Last Minute Halloween Costumes for Runners

Tomorrow is Halloween and if you’re like me you’ve waited until the last minute to think about what kind of costume you’re going to wear and now it’s too late to make that awesome Geico pile of money costume. Of course if you were really like me then you’d have some wicked good dancing skills and a Gorilla Ice costume to fall back on, but since you have two left feet and a dearth of gorilla suits lying around I’m going to help you out with a last minute Halloween costume suggestion for runners. Was that not clear from the title?

Are you ready for this? Go dressed as... a runner. I can already hear you saying “But I am a runner, so why is that a good costume?” It’s a good costume because many of the people at your Halloween party probably don’t know that you are a runner or may have never seen you running. It’s like when I go dressed as a banker, talk about a funny costume! I get all the laughs, especially when I do my dancing banker bit. Plus, this is a last minute idea so while dressing as a giant iPhone may sound like a good idea you probably don’t have a spare flatscreen lying around that you can use, but if you do then send it my way.

Here’s what you’ll need: running shoes, short shorts, a singlet with an old race bib pinned to it, Band-Aids for your nipples (or red food dye on the singlet), a watch and a headband. The headband is necessary for selling your costume as an obsessed runner, but what is really going to sell this is not what you wear but how you act. You should be in a hurry wherever you go. Grab people’s drinks out of their hand like they were a race volunteer and chug them as you run off, better yet splash them all over your face and toss the cup to the side. People won’t ever get tired of your drink-stealing antics and hey, free drinks for you all night!

If you don’t think you can get away with stealing drinks wear your fuel belt and fill up your 6oz flasks with your beverage of choice. Not only do you have a rockin’ costume but you can also have your hands free all night and you won’t forget where you left your drink. (Note: If you do forget where you left your drink, it’s on your hip and you are way too drunk. Go home now before you make a fool of yourself.)

You’re also going to want to stretch a lot. Don’t be afraid to bend over and touch your toes right in front of people or to just cop a squat wherever you are to do some stretches. Wear a watch with a stopwatch so that you can annoyingly time everything that anyone does.
Friend: “I’ll be right back, I’m going to the bathroom.”
You: “OK, I’ll time you. Ready... Set... GO!”
*When they return*
You: “3 minutes and 22 point 47 seconds! That’s a new personal worst! What on earth were you doing in there?”

Don’t you go looking for a bathroom though, just go pee by the side of the road as you would in a race. Blow snot rockets and wipe the debris on the bottom of your shirt. Wear an old race medal because when are you ever going to have another chance to wear it and not feel like an attention seeking showoff. Wearing your medal also gives people who may not know that you are a runner the opportunity to ask you where you got it, which gives you an opening to be an attention seeking showoff and tell them all about the marathon you ran while allowing you to stay in character as an obsessive runner.

If you don’t like my suggestion then you could always go as balloon boy or Kate Gosselin, but you know that everyone is going to be doing that. Be original. Be a runner.

How to Avoid Halloween Candy

It’s that time of year again when you find yourself with so many opportunities to teach your kids about sharing as you sample the Halloween candy that they’ve collected and take that last fun size Snickers for yourself. Like many of you, I try not to overdo it with the Halloween candy. I mean I rationalize it away by saying that I’m a runner and I need the energy or carbs and that I’ll just run an extra mile or two tomorrow to make up for that fistful of Candy Corn, but the truth is I rarely run an extra anything. So, in order to maintain my finely tuned runner’s body (finely tuned like a kazoo) I find the best policy is to try to avoid the Halloween candy. Here are some of the best candy avoidance techniques that I’ve come up with:

Aversion Therapy
Every time you eat a piece of candy have your spouse tell you you’re fat. Eventually you will learn to associate eating candy with being fat and your spouse’s disapproval. If this doesn’t work then have your spouse tell you you’re fat while smacking you upside your head.

Exposure Therapy
Go out right now and buy as much candy as you can. Consume it all at once. Repeat until you become nauseated by the candy and the undulating waves of sugar highs and crashes. If you’re not getting sick, you’re not eating enough candy. I suppose it would be more accurately termed Over-Exposure Therapy.

Fat Disgusting Picture Therapy
Just look at this fat disgusting picture. If you still feel like eating anything then there’s no helping you.

Bacon Therapy
Eat bacon instead of candy. Bacon tastes good, but it’s kind of salty and it doesn’t go well with candy. Also, you probably don’t want to ruin that delicious bacon taste that you have in your mouth now by eating candy. I’m not sure that this is really a healthier option than candy but this isn’t a healthy eating list, it’s a candy avoidance list and the bacon thing will work. Trust me.

Beer Therapy
Beer does not taste good with candy. I cannot enjoy a beer and simultaneously be eating candy. ‘But Ian,’ you say ‘what about when I’m done with the beer? Won’t I be tempted to eat candy when I stop drinking beer?’ Solution: Don’t stop drinking beer.

Sex Therapy
Make sweet, sweet love to your spouse. I don’t know why this would help you not eat any candy, but mmmm boy, it sure does sound like fun doesn’t it? Plus now that it’s officially part of this candy avoidance list you have one more tool at your disposal to help you plead your case. Not that you need any help since you are probably already using my handy pick-up lines.*

Germaphobe Therapy
Pretend the candy is covered in swine flu, which it probably is since it has been sitting in that bowl and all those kids have been reaching their grubby little hands in there, snot nosed little Petri dishes that they are. Candy corn is a breeding ground for viruses and bacteria.

Punishment Therapy
Think of ways to punish yourself for eating any Halloween candy, because I understand that this kind of obsessive, self-destructive behavior is a healthy way to think about food. If you can get to a point where you start hating yourself for eating candy you’re well on your way to a candy-free Halloween and probably an eating disorder too. Hey, it’s not so bad. At least you’ll be skinny and happy OK, so maybe just skinny.

That’s it, that’s all the suggestions I have. Best of luck giving yourself a candyectomy this Halloween season and remember, if you must eat Halloween candy, eat it while you run. Who needs sport beans and gels when you can chow down on candy corn and pop rocks.

*If you are using those pick-up lines you really do need help, but not the kind that you'll find here, professional help.

Nicollette Sheridan is Running

Nicollette Sheridan, of the TV show Desperate Housewives and timeless movies such as Beverly Hills Ninja and Spy Hard, was spotted running on the beach in Malibu at least a couple of times in recent weeks. Running on a beach often sounds like the perfect run, but trust me when I tell you from experience that it is nothing of the sort. It tears up your calves, it really doesn’t make you look any sexier, and even when you try it in slow motion (a la Baywatch) it still invites comparisons to beached whales. Just shut up and leave me alone you stupid tourists!

But if you ever had any lingering doubts that running does a body good then I invite you to review the pictures of Nicollette Sheridan lounging in a bikini that I have placed at the end of this post. Nicollette Sheridan turns 45 next month and she still looks great, not quite up to my high standards mind you, but certainly closer than any other 45 year old.


As I type this post it occurs to me that Nicollette Sheridan along with many other actors has a pretty tough life. Running on the beach with your dog, lounging in the sun, drinking, doing magazine photo shoots, attending all those award shows and making appearances at multiple after-parties, how do they do it? They truly are the model of hard work and dedication, the epitome of the American dream being lived out before our very eyes. And if you think that it just sounds like I’m extremely jealous then you, sir or madam, are quite perceptive.

Note: I realize that today is Halloween and this post isn’t very scary or Halloweeny, so allow me to offer some bonus Halloween advice to make up for it. I’ve been noticing a lot of tips on how to avoid the Halloween candy from the various running and health blogs that I visit, things like buy candy you don’t like (does not compute), or give out pens or toys or healthy snacks (a sure way to be the hated neighbor). Here’s my tip for you: Show some freaking restraint you gutless pushover and just DON’T EAT THE CANDY IN THE FIRST PLACE! If that fails, then just do like I do; eat whatever you want and add some extra miles to your long run. You probably burn somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 calories per mile, keep that in mind when you’re inhaling 500 calories of Snickers and think of the pain that 5 more miles will equal, then ask yourself “is it really worth it?” In the case of the Snickers the answer is yes, yes it is worth it.

Boulder Pumpkin Run

Have any of you heard of the Boulder Pumpkin Run? It’s a Halloween run held in the beautiful city of Boulder every year. Much like the Denver Gorilla Run that I’m participating in you must wear a costume to run the Boulder Pumpkin Run, but not just any old costume, it has to be your birthday suit. Yes, the Boulder Pumpkin run is a naked run, which makes it the perfect Friday topic here at Half-Fast. Just to be clear though, the runners aren’t entirely naked because they do wear jack-o-lanterns on their heads. We wouldn’t want their ears to get cold or anything.

No, I’m not going to participate in the Boulder Pumpkin Run because it would be a total waste of my awesome Gorilla costume. Also, the average temperature at 10PM on October 31 is not conducive to showcasing your male reproductive organ and I can do without all the laughing and pointing thankyouverymuch. However, I will gladly volunteer to be the official photographer, I’ll even wear my Gorilla costume.

If you’re interested in learning more about the Boulder Pumpkin Run you can visit their website at nakedpumpkinrun.org. Fear not, that link is safe for work but where you go from there is at your own discretion, particularly if you decide to click on the Gallery or view the videos.

I really don’t get why this sort of thing would be enticing. I mean sure, I get that you want to see other people naked, but doesn’t it hurt to run naked? I mean, isn’t everything kind of bouncing around in an uncomfortable manner? If it was really cold enough then I suppose your junk might shrink enough to reduce the flopping around to a manageable amount, but then you get back into that undesirable area of the laughing and the pointing. No thank you. Perhaps some of you readers who have participated in naked runs can enlighten me as to what the lure is. Be sure to include pictures* with your e-mail... you know... to prove that you’ve actually done a naked run.

*Does not apply to male readers.

Editorial note: Please accept my apologies for the recent lack of posts. I’m a banker and I’ve been extremely busy these past few weeks, what with the market deciding to take a dump and my insistence on continuing to work banker’s hours. It’s going to be OK though. My company is planning a luxurious retreat at a 5 star resort so that I can recharge my batteries and I’ve been meaning to thank all you taxpayers out there for making that possible. Without your help we probably wouldn’t be able to spend a cool half a mil on golf and fun in the sun, it’s just what the doctor ordered.

Nike is Scary

I love Nike. I love their apparel, I love their logo, I love the little Indonesian kids that they pay 5¢ a day to make my shoes, and I love their commercials and print ads. I don't think I've ever seen a Nike ad that I didn't like or that didn't inspire me. Nike must have the best marketing department this side of beer companies, and yet I will probably never own a pair of their running shoes. The video below was apparently banned from TV in the US because it was too scary, but that just makes it the perfect video for a Halloween post.


Too scary? The Nike spot isn’t even as scary as some of the promos for upcoming TV shows that I’ve seen aired on Sunday afternoons during football games that I’m watching with my kids. It’s not even as scary as that preceding run-on sentence. You want scary? Turn on the E! channel when they reveal what the Hollywood Celebs are wearing to their Halloween parties. Paris Hilton as a slutty cop/nurse/bunny/princess: Scary. Britney Spears as a Mom: Terrifying. Either one as any kind of role model: Traumatizing.

Have a safe Halloween everyone. I hope that you get plenty of Vanilla Tootsie Rolls and an awesome monster name like mine.

Get Your Monster Name

If you were wondering, a lycanthrope is a werewolf. Yes, I had to look it up. Sue me.