Running Dad

Last night my wife had to go run some errands which meant that I was watching the boys and could not go outside for my run. I tried telling her that the oldest one is capable of babysitting, but she insists that he's too young (he's 4). Whatever. I ended up getting on the treadmill and telling David (my 4 year-old) to keep an eye on Graham (my 2 year-old) so it all works out the same either way.

I recalled reading somewhere that it is easier to run on a treadmill (no hills, no wind resistance etc.) and that you should set the incline to 1% to simulate running outdoors. I decided to give this a try, but my ego got the best of me and I turned it up to 2%. It didn’t feel like too much of a difference so I kept plugging along. Somewhere around 0.21 miles I heard Graham crying, and not wanting to lose my rhythm or start over I yelled for David to come tell me what had happened. As it turns out "nothing" had happened. I guess he was just screaming bloody murder for the fun of it, I made a quick mental note to discipline him for that after my run.

If you know any 2 or 4 year old boys you know that they're all afterburner and no rudder, so it was only a matter of minutes before there was more yelling and loud banging. Not being someone prone to worry, I quickly came up with a solution. I grabbed the remote control for the iPod speakers and turned up the volume until I could no longer hear said yelling and banging. I enjoyed the remainder of my run in the peace and quiet of my eclectic 'running' playlist consisting of heavy metal, hip-hop and alternative.

Towards the end of my run I began to feel a little discouraged, this was supposed to be an easy run at a 9:30 minute mile pace and I was really struggling. My breathing was harder than usual, my calves were burning more than usual and I was seriously considering slowing down. What on earth was wrong with me? It was during this conundrum that I remembered that I had been running up hill the whole way. I completely forgot that I had set the incline to 2%. What can I say? I'm a genius.

As I was finishing up both of the boys came down to the basement. Both a little sweaty but, no blood and no new bruises. They were exhausted from whatever they had been doing upstairs and quietly sat down at their coloring table. It was at this moment that my wife came home, took one look at our quiet children and me finishing up my run and exclaimed “how did you get them to behave so well?” I merely shrugged. She continued “they NEVER let me run on the treadmill without interruption!” I smiled at her. Some of us are just good parents I guess, and by ‘some of us’ I am of course referring to my wife.

Fergie is R-U-N-N-I-N-G

Spelling aficionado F to the E to the R to the G-I-E gives us a great demonstration here of how not to run. She just looks uncomfortable, like she’s had to stop and walk for the sixteenth time to untangle herself. I understand the need for the iPod strapped to your arm and the fuel belt makes sense, and if you’re a celeb you absolutely can’t leave without your Jackie-O sunglasses but at some point these items are hindering more than they are helping. It doesn't even look sunny.

Maybe I’m just not hip to the latest fashions, maybe “oversize” is the new black. Oversize headphones, oversize shades, oversize headphone cord (seriously, Rocky could jump-rope with that thing). And the headphones?!? I know I already said that, but Gary Powers was wearing smaller headphones aboard his U-2 when the Soviets captured him in 1960.

Maybe she’d be better off “up in the gym just working on her fitness”, that way she could have the water bottle in the nice little cup holder they provide on the treadmill and crank up the stereo so she doesn’t have to wear headphones that, in this humble commentator’s opinion look S to the T to the U to the P-I-D.

Picture and story originally found on www.wwtdd.com