A Glitch in the Matrix

Yesterday morning weird things were afoot. First of all I was out running before dawn which is weird thing number one, but it gets weirder. I was running along the sidewalk when I was passed by a white Volvo and a black BMW. No, that’s not the weird part. I don’t know what made me take notice of them, perhaps the fact that they were side by side travelling the exact same speed, but what made it weird was that they passed me again not 30 seconds later, going in the same direction, same formation and I’m pretty sure there was no possible way for them to loop around behind me that quickly. It made me think of that scene in the Matrix when Neo sees the black cat twice. I’m pretty sure it was a glitch.

Just shortly after they passed me the streetlight that I was approaching went suddenly dark. I hate it when this happens. All of a sudden the street was flooded with darkness and I found myself focusing my attention on the sidewalk because now it was harder to see obstacles or patches of ice that might be in my way. Of course, this left me less time to scan the surrounding bushes and trees for would be muggers or women who might want to attack me and forcibly take advantage of me (because I’m so sexy, see). When you’re running in the dark you have to be alert at all times for women like this, because you don’t want to miss them if they’re out there.

The streetlight thing is something that I’ve written about before and even though I hate it, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m used to it. During almost every run one or two lights will go out as I pass under them and it’s never the same lights. I no longer think that it’s part of some evil genius’s dramatic scheme to kidnap me, but it is weird, right? Do any of you have this affect on streetlights? Do you have any theories on what causes it? Is my Garmin interfering with the lights somehow or is it just the excellence that I radiate from my pores that fool the light into thinking it’s morning?

I also trip the traffic lights coming out of a couple of neighborhoods when I cross the street which probably just means that the traffic sensor is too perceptive and not that I weigh as much as a VW Bug, but I like to think it’s because there’s some paranormal activity going on. Here are some other paranormal things that often occur around me:

• The light in our fridge turns on when I open the door.
• If I close the garage door and then walk under it, it starts going back up.
• Women become nauseous.
• Sometimes when I’m driving down a long straight stretch of highway I’ll notice that my blinker is on, even though I haven’t used it since I changed lanes six minutes ago!

Weird huh?