Go Away! Want Sleepy!

This morning I would like to tell you all about the importance of a good night’s sleep: It is very important to get a good night’s sleep. How important? Well let’s consult the crudely made sleep vs. probability of running graph that I just concocted in MS Paint and find out.

Fascinating stuff huh? On Monday night I managed to get roughly 4½ hours of sleep. Naturally, when I got home from work on Tuesday I was exhausted and knew from my handy dandy probability graph that there was only a 20% chance of me actually running. As it turns out, I didn’t run on Tuesday. It seems that there have been a lot of late nights over the past few weeks due to some extracurricular activity (which makes it sound way more intriguing than it is) and that has really affected my running. If I’m tired when I get home from work there’s little chance of me running and when I do get myself out the door my pace usually suffers. I guess there is something to be said for making sure you get enough sleep.

Recently, some of you have noted that I used to be a morning runner and have asked why I’m not one anymore. The answer is pretty simple. Back in the days when I was enjoying morning running (or more accurately enjoying not having to run after work) I didn’t have to be in the office until 8 or 8:30. Plenty of time to get in a run. Lately I’ve been getting to the office a lot earlier (so much for banker’s hours) and I frequently work from an office that is much farther from my house which means that if I wanted to get in a short run at my lumbering pace I’d need to wake up somewhere around 4am and as I’m sure you’re all painfully aware there is no such thing as 4am. So essentially it’s not even physically possible for me to run in the mornings anymore.

Note: I’m sure that there are some of you out there that get up and run at 4am on a regular basis or who have to leave for work earlier than I do and you’re welcome to call me a sissy, pantywaist in the comments, you’ve earned it. Regardless, I won’t be getting up at 4am to run before work, that’s just not my style. What I will be doing is trying to get more sleep. This is going to require me to not watch so much TV in the evenings... hmmmm... that doesn’t sound like the answer. Maybe I should just start showing up later for work or taking more naps at my desk during the day. Yes, that sounds much more doable.

An Open Letter of Apology

During the last three and a half years that I have been a runner, I have occasionally found times for careful introspection. Recently in one of these introspective moments I looked deep into my soul and I found a fault. Not a substantial fault, but rather, some minor ugliness that wasn’t easily brushed aside by my typically aloof conscience. It gnawed at me for a good thirty seconds before I realized that the ugliness occurred in a public setting and it should be dealt with and apologized for in the same manner. The ugliness of which I speak? Peeing during my long runs.

To the two gentlemen building a swing set in their back yard who witnessed me peeing in the park, I apologize. It was unfortunate that I did not notice you before I started peeing and even more unfortunate that you DID notice me. Next time I shan’t whistle while I work so you’ll be less likely to spot me. Furthermore, I apologize to anyone who used the slide at the park later that day.

To the little girl in pigtails who was riding her bike and saw me peeing on that tree, I apologize. Ringing your bell and pedaling faster won’t make that memory go away. I apologize to you and to your parents who will have to deal with the emotional scarring and the therapy sessions.

To my fellow runner who saw me trying to dry the pee stain on the front of my shorts by vigorously rubbing the crotch, I apologize. It didn’t immediately occur to me how that must have looked to you, but rest assured I was trying to avoid embarrassment by drying the front of my pants, I was not ‘doing myself a favor’ as you succinctly put it.

To the elderly couple who saw me peeing off the side of the footbridge, I apologize, even though I’m sure you don’t think it necessary. Surely, no one understands better than the elderly that sometimes you can’t hold it any longer. Thank you for your understanding, and for averting your eyes.

To the female cyclist who startled me as I peed crouching behind a bush, I apologize. My remark for you to “take a picture it will last longer” was totally uncalled for and simply a knee jerk response to you seeing me peeing.

To the woman walking her dog downwind from where I was peeing, I apologize. It was unfortunate and completely unintentional that your Basset Hound took a direct hit and although I’m quite certain that he’s peed on my mailbox and deserved it, I was unaware that the wind could push the sprayback that far across the path.

To the owner of the lovely house that is situated at mile 7 of my favorite running trail, I apologize for the sorry state of the flowers that are now all but dead. It is an unfortunate coincidence that I always feel the need to pee when I run past your backyard and I assure you that it is in no way connected to the Yankees windsock that hangs on your porch. I apologize if I’ve caused you to question your gardening skills and assure you that there really isn’t anything wrong with the soil in that particular window box.

To the owner of the Ford Truck that is always parked half way up the curb on Reed Street, I apologize. You may have found yourself stepping in a puddle when entering or exiting your vehicle. There’s something about seeing Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo that reminds me that I need to go too.

To the first golfer to retrieve his ball from the hole on the 14th green I do apologize. The green is so nicely secluded among the trees and I can’t explain why it’s so much fun to pee into the cup while yelling “hole in one!” I apologize for my immaturity, I’ll try to grow up, and I’m sorry about the way your ball smells for the remainder of your round.

To the losers skateboarders who like to smoke pot and cigarettes while sitting around the big oak tree just off the school grounds, I apologize. You may have recently taken a seat and found it to be a little damp in spite of the recent lack of rain. I hope that having your pants so low helped you to notice it was wet sooner than someone with a regular waistline might have noticed. At least you’ve got that going for you, also please take this into consideration before deciding to re-use any of the old butts around the base of the tree, though this should really go without saying.

To the young boys who were unfortunate enough to witness me performing a range and targeting test on a warm evening in June, I apologize. In the future I’ll be sure the area is clear before commencing a weapons test. I also apologize to their parents who will no doubt be forced to clean up after they try their own weapons test, but let’s face it, they were going to think of it at some point anyway.

To the brave firemen who drove past me while I was peeing on a hydrant, I apologize. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I also apologize for signaling for you to sound the horn and shouting “I bet you’ve never seen a hose this big before!” It was completely uncalled for and I fully intend to wash off that hydrant before you need to use it again. I’ll let you know when I get around to it.

To anyone on the Denver Half Marathon course in 2007 who was desperate enough for hydration to pick up a used Gatorade cup from under the tree in the park, I apologize. It may have once been Gatorade, it was in me, but it had to come out.

To the cute blond running in the black skirt and pink tank top, I apologize. I know it’s too late now, but I instantly regretted saying “how YOU doin’?” when you saw me peeing behind that park bench.

To the entire Eagle Creek Elementary School who caught me on the field making a creek on their eagle, I apologize. I had no idea that you were about to come out for recess and I was not able to stop midstream. When does school get out for Winter Break anyway?

Finally, to my shoes, who always find themselves situated in the splash zone, I apologize.