Pearl Izumi is a Needy Lover

I got an e-mail from Pearl Izumi the other day, which is a pretty frequent occurrence, but I actually started to read this one before dismissing it to the archives and something caught my eye:


Sorry about the horrendous image quality, I only had MS Paint at my disposal.

First of all, Peal Izumi? Nice work PI marketing department and editing team.

Secondly, ‘my relationship with Peal [sic] Izumi?’ My ‘relationship?’ They give away a pair of shoes on my blog and buy me a couple pairs of shoes and all of a sudden we’re in a relationship? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t we back up the relationship train and turn down the heat on this pressure cooker. I mean seriously, we’re not even Facebook friends.

I bet Pearl Izumi is out there telling all her other girlfriends that we’re getting pretty serious and that we’re in an exclusive relationship, but it’s just not true. In fact, I’ve got some bad news for you, Pearl Izumi; I’ve got two other shoe brands that I’m still seeing on a regular basis. What? You thought the once or twice a week we get together was enough for a guy like me? I need it much more frequently than that, and by ‘it’ I am of course referring to running.

Crap. Pearl Izumi is totally going to key my car tonight isn’t she? I gotta’ get outta’ here pronto. I got a stage 5 clinger on my hands. Have a great weekend everyone.

Site Note: I’ll be travelling for part of next week so things might be a little slow around here, but I’ll try to keep the posts coming.

Pick-Up Lines for Runners

You’re milling around prior to the start of the race or maybe after it’s all over and you’re checking out the other runners because let’s face it, runners are sexy. Maybe not right after a race, but as compared to the general populace I’d venture a guess that the readers of Half-Fast are in better shape (read: sexier) than say the readers of the Cupcake Blog (although I’m quite sure that I just lost several readers with that link - I’m looking at you Kelly). Regardless, you can’t just walk up to another attractive runner and strike up a conversation because you don’t know if you have anything in common with them. I mean, obviously you both have running in common, and training and the race you’ve both entered, but sometimes that’s not enough and you need a good icebreaker.

In order to help all you single runners out I’ve been compiling a list of effective pick up lines that you can try, and because I go the extra mile (figuratively speaking only) I also tested some of the lines out so that I can rate their effectiveness or complete lack thereof. As many of you know I’m married, and because I’d like to stay that way I’ve only been able to test these lines out sporadically on Mrs. Half-Fast. And if you’re lamenting how much she must have to put up with in being married to me then let me just tell you, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Pick-up lines are ranked on a scale of one to shagerrific with one being the worst and shagerrific being, well, shagerrific.

Pick-Up Line: So you like speedwork? Because I’m always up for a quickie.
Response: “You’re a dork” accompanied by a rolling of the eyes.
Rating: 2 out of shagerrific.

Pick-Up Line: Let’s kick off these running shoes and I’ll show you MY “motion control.”
Response: She grabbed my butt! W00t! Of course at the time we had both absorbed copious amounts of wine so maybe that had something to do with it.
Rating: A perfect shagerrific out of shagerrific. *boom chika-bow-wow*

Pick-Up Line: There are 2 ways to reach your target heart rate: you can run or I can take off my shirt.
Response: This line proved to be 100 percent effective in getting me a purple nurple, so if you’re into that kind of thing, this is the line for you.
Rating: 1 out of shagerrific.

Pick-Up Line: I’d like to see YOUR “Bodyglide.”
Response: “Are you working on a blog post?”
Crap. Busted. The rest of these pick-up lines haven’t been properly tested because my wife is on to me. Use them at your own risk and discretion. (Half-Fast not responsible for the black eye you or your ego are sure to receive while performing these lines.)

Pick-Up Line: Wanna’ play Strip 5K? (Important Note: Only challenge a slower runner to play Strip 5K, otherwise you just end up naked AND a loser.)
Pick-Up Line: I’d like to see your race-y pictures at the finish.
Pick-Up Line: Are your legs sore? Because they’ve been running through my mind all day.
Pick-Up Line: You like fast? I can be fast.
Pick-Up Line: Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass you more than once?
Pick-Up Line: So... do you run here often?

You know what? Unless anyone has any better suggestions in the comments, then maybe you’d be better off striking up a conversation about one of the many running topics that you are sure to have in common.

This has been another completely useless post at Half-Fast. There goes 3 minutes of your life that you can’t get back. You’re welcome.

My Balls Ache

I ran 12 miles on Saturday and ever since then the balls of my feet have been killing me. What? Oh, you thought I meant those balls? How uncouth of you. To be honest I am a little bit offended at your boorish imagination. Sitting there reading my blog and thinking about my private parts, it is quite unacceptable! Not only that it's downright discourteous and disrespectful to me as an individual.

Let's be serious, if I were to ever experience discomfort in that area, my very favorite area, I would give up running faster than you could say "testicular fortitude." Heck, I'd give up eating and probably breathing too before I'd put up with any discomfort down there.

As I was saying, I ran 12 miles on Saturday and the pain started around mile 9 or 10. It began in the ball of my right foot and by the end of my run it was affecting the balls of both feet. It's actually much better today but it was pretty painful yesterday. Has anyone ever experienced this? It just figures that something like this would show up 3 weeks before my half marathon. It's like a metaphorical kick in the balls (yes, now I'm speaking about those balls... metaphorically anyway).