Updates!

I’m getting old. That’s the first update. Lately it seems like something always hurts; my calf, my groin, my back, the list goes on and on. I never realized when I wrote this poem that it would turn out to be prophetic. Not only does everything hurt, but everything gets injured easier and heals slower. Getting older sucks.

My days are numbered. No, not in terms of life, in terms of continuing to be faster than my boys. David and Graham ran the Granby Gutbuster 5k over the summer. Their previous 5k PRs were both in the 37 minute range but they managed to complete it in 30:13 and 33:20. That was good enough to put David (age 8) 3rd in the Under 12 age group and Graham (age 6) 5th. Our families keep telling us that we obviously passed on the running talent to our kids but I’m starting to suspect that these aren’t my children because I don’t have any running talent. I have to work very hard at running to be this mediocre. I’m the 99% of running talent.

Finally, Candis and I ran the Denver Half Marathon last month. Naturally, I managed to roll an ankle right in the middle of my training and couldn’t run for a month (see first paragraph). I finished in 2:08 and Candis in 2:12. Those are hardly the times of ‘talented’ runners. We are middle-of-the-packers for life, not to be confused with the extremely talented Green Bay Packers.

Rundom Thoughts

At the risk of starting another blog feud I’m going to go ahead and post some more Rundom Thoughts. If I don’t post them then the terrorists (Nitmos) will have won, and also, I’m pretty sure that they would just keep building up until the pressure caused my head to explode. As I’ve said before you can think of these Rundom Thoughts posts as me relieving myself onto the blog.

• Shouldn’t Team In Training be abbreviated as TIT? I really think that this could only help bring more attention to their cause.
• Unavoidable running law: If you arrive at a crosswalk tired and in need of a break all traffic will stop to let you keep going. If you are in the zone and feeling strong no one stops to let you cross.
• Vibram Five Fingers are like the Crocs of running shoes. Everyone says they’re really comfortable but they look ridiculous. “Hey look at me, I’m Frodo Baggins!”
• Do they also make gloves called Vibram Five Toes? The Hell?
• And another thing, what’s with the discrimination against people with 6 toes, Vibram?
• Three words: Bacon Flavored Gels. How about it CLIF SHOT people?
• In order to recruit more people to become runners I think we need to update the lingo a little. Talking about the ‘runner’s high’ probably worked well to recruit people in the 70s and 80s but I think it’s time we all started referring to it as the ‘runner’s orgasm.’ That’s bound to entice more people to the sport. Sex sells, baby!
• I received an e-mail last week (while my unsolicited e-mail rant was still at the top of the page) from Michelle asking for publicity for the Run For Life Salt Lake Half Marathon on September 5th. The subject was “At great risk of ridicule or mocking...” Ballsy move Michelle, but I was in a good mood, so go check it out.
• Lesson to be learned: Make sure your solicitous e-mails show up in my inbox when I’m in a good mood. Good luck with that.
• Yesterday I followed a car with the license plate MRTHNR. The license plate holder said ‘I do 26.2’ and there was a bumper sticker of a local running club on the car plus an additional 26.2 sticker. Naturally the car was a Toyota 4Runner. Even I thought it was a little over the top. I tried to get close enough to snap a cell phone picture but I couldn’t catch up... I think that might be a sign or something.
• Candis finished the Tri Babes sprint Triathlon on Sunday in 1:27:38, a full 10 minutes faster than last year! I’m trying to talk her into a race report.
• An awesome job to be sure, but a 30 minute 5k to end it? That’s never going to be fast enough to beat me at the Skirt Chaser this Saturday, even with the 3 minute head start they give the skirts.
• I cannot reiterate this enough: They’re NOT Cargo Shorts!
• I hate the T9 predictive text software on my phone. Candis and I had a major misunderstanding recently when I texted her to tell her that I was going on a ‘5 milf run through the neighborhood’ after work. 5 MILE run, a 5 MILE run you stupid phone!

Rundom Thoughts

Often times when I’m out running I get these crazy thoughts that enter my head and they just keep ricocheting around in there probably doing all kinds of permanent damage so I’ve decided to relieve some of the pressure by posting them. I guess you could think of this post as me relieving myself onto the blog. I’ve got precious little brain capacity as it is and I’d like to start using it for something constructive, like figuring out what the Iko Iko lyrics mean. Note: The title of this post is a play on the words run and random since these random thoughts are running related. You see what I did there? It’s lame but catchy (latchey?) and if you don’t like it then you can take a long run off a short pier.

• Why can’t the Garmin heart rate monitor be incorporated into the watch’s wrist strap? This is just laziness on the part of the Garmin R & D team if you ask me.
• I don’t know who invented the treadmill, but I like to think that he’s burning in Hell right now.
• I like to think that even more when I’m actually using a treadmill.
• When people’s alien encounters are reenacted on TV, why aren’t any of the aliens ever fat? Is it because they all run or have they, in their technologically advanced state, figured out the real ‘one rule’ to eliminating stomach fat?
• Running every day during the month of June is not nearly as impressive as I’d originally convinced myself it would be, it’s also not as sexy as I’d hoped.
• I think Runner’s World hates the Bolder Boulder, but I love them both. I’m a lover not a fighter.
• Here’s a free racing tip for you: Passing is like the Dutchie, you should always do it on the left hand side.
• The other day I ran past a Jack of Hearts playing card lying on the path and was convinced that it foreshadowed something ominous. I thought that maybe it meant my friend Jack was going to have a heart attack but then I remembered that I don’t have a friend named Jack. Whew! Good thing it wasn’t the Chuck of Hearts.
• It’s rude for people to honk at me in the crosswalk when the blinking orange hand is clearly signaling for me to ‘come on over here.’
• Yesterday was National Running Day, if this is the first you’re hearing of it then you missed it and you don’t read enough running blogs.
• National Running Day = totally pointless.
• I think if we were being honest we’d all agree that the phrase ‘easy run’ is an oxymoron at best and an outright lie at worst. If it were easy then everyone would do it.