My first DNS

Did Not Start. The Breckenridge Independence Day 10k was held on July 4th as the name would imply. It was only because I was so excited to do this race again this year that I was able to roll myself out of bed at 5:30am on a holiday morning after a night that I’m sure included some drinking but I honestly can’t remember how much. I quickly dressed and arrived at race registration around 6:15am groggy but somehow still energized to race. As I neared the front of the short line of runners I heard the lady at the registration table tell the runner in front of me that registration was closed. I remember laughing at this and I’m not sure now if it was because I thought she was joking or because my sleepy mind couldn’t clearly comprehend this horrendous new development. Either way it wasn’t funny for very long. The temporary registration table was folded up, the line dispersed and the world seemed to go on around me as I stood there in bleary-eyed disbelief. I mingled aimlessly with the other runners all the while feeling like I stood out because I was the only loser without a bib. Finally one of the ladies from the now defunct registration table came over and told me that “the trail’s all marked out if you want to go run it right now.” But I didn’t want to run it right now, I wanted to run it in 45 minutes with all the other runners. I came here for a race, not a time trial.

Without all of the adrenaline and energy that goes along with waiting for a race I became very aware of how tired I felt. I decided that what I needed was some coffee. Coffee soon turned into coffee and donuts and when I decided that I shouldn’t eat any more donuts I bought two dozen donut holes, or as I prefer to call them ‘little balls of heaven’ to take back to the friends with whom we were spending the weekend. Unfortunately not all of the little balls of heaven survived the trip.

When I got back to the place we were staying I found our kind hostess in the kitchen making a hot breakfast and so I traded in 18 donut holes for some eggs, bacon and hashbrowns and there might have been a pancake or two in there as well. I really don’t remember at this point, I just know that it was a good trade.

That’s how my Independence Day started, and it ended with the lamest fireworks display that you’ve ever seen. You can suck me sideways, Breckenridge!

How to Avoid Halloween Candy

It’s that time of year again when you find yourself with so many opportunities to teach your kids about sharing as you sample the Halloween candy that they’ve collected and take that last fun size Snickers for yourself. Like many of you, I try not to overdo it with the Halloween candy. I mean I rationalize it away by saying that I’m a runner and I need the energy or carbs and that I’ll just run an extra mile or two tomorrow to make up for that fistful of Candy Corn, but the truth is I rarely run an extra anything. So, in order to maintain my finely tuned runner’s body (finely tuned like a kazoo) I find the best policy is to try to avoid the Halloween candy. Here are some of the best candy avoidance techniques that I’ve come up with:

Aversion Therapy
Every time you eat a piece of candy have your spouse tell you you’re fat. Eventually you will learn to associate eating candy with being fat and your spouse’s disapproval. If this doesn’t work then have your spouse tell you you’re fat while smacking you upside your head.

Exposure Therapy
Go out right now and buy as much candy as you can. Consume it all at once. Repeat until you become nauseated by the candy and the undulating waves of sugar highs and crashes. If you’re not getting sick, you’re not eating enough candy. I suppose it would be more accurately termed Over-Exposure Therapy.

Fat Disgusting Picture Therapy
Just look at this fat disgusting picture. If you still feel like eating anything then there’s no helping you.

Bacon Therapy
Eat bacon instead of candy. Bacon tastes good, but it’s kind of salty and it doesn’t go well with candy. Also, you probably don’t want to ruin that delicious bacon taste that you have in your mouth now by eating candy. I’m not sure that this is really a healthier option than candy but this isn’t a healthy eating list, it’s a candy avoidance list and the bacon thing will work. Trust me.

Beer Therapy
Beer does not taste good with candy. I cannot enjoy a beer and simultaneously be eating candy. ‘But Ian,’ you say ‘what about when I’m done with the beer? Won’t I be tempted to eat candy when I stop drinking beer?’ Solution: Don’t stop drinking beer.

Sex Therapy
Make sweet, sweet love to your spouse. I don’t know why this would help you not eat any candy, but mmmm boy, it sure does sound like fun doesn’t it? Plus now that it’s officially part of this candy avoidance list you have one more tool at your disposal to help you plead your case. Not that you need any help since you are probably already using my handy pick-up lines.*

Germaphobe Therapy
Pretend the candy is covered in swine flu, which it probably is since it has been sitting in that bowl and all those kids have been reaching their grubby little hands in there, snot nosed little Petri dishes that they are. Candy corn is a breeding ground for viruses and bacteria.

Punishment Therapy
Think of ways to punish yourself for eating any Halloween candy, because I understand that this kind of obsessive, self-destructive behavior is a healthy way to think about food. If you can get to a point where you start hating yourself for eating candy you’re well on your way to a candy-free Halloween and probably an eating disorder too. Hey, it’s not so bad. At least you’ll be skinny and happy OK, so maybe just skinny.

That’s it, that’s all the suggestions I have. Best of luck giving yourself a candyectomy this Halloween season and remember, if you must eat Halloween candy, eat it while you run. Who needs sport beans and gels when you can chow down on candy corn and pop rocks.

*If you are using those pick-up lines you really do need help, but not the kind that you'll find here, professional help.

Downhill Running

As the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon approaches I find myself starting to fret over some of the important details, things like:

• Where will I park?
• What will they be serving for the post race spread?
• How should I handle the downhill course?
• What if it’s really hot that morning?
• Should the timing chip go on my right or left shoe? - (This is a trick question. Everyone knows that the timing chip always, ALWAYS goes on the right shoe.)
• What shirt should I wear?
• Should I wear a hat?
• Compression shirt or band-aids to protect the nipples? Or both?

Of course all of those questions are important but the one that has been weighing on my mind the most is the issue of post race food. Is it going to be the same dry bagel and bananas that they had last year or will they upgrade to something better? Since there’s not much I can do to affect the post race spread (you can only e-mail pictures of bacon to the race director so many times before you get added to the junk mail senders list), I’m going to focus on something I can affect; learning how to run a race that is mostly downhill. As with any major life decision the best people to ask for advice on such topics are anonymous internet commenters, which is why I seek y’all’s counsel on this.

Last year I failed miserably at downhill running and had to slow way down at the end of the race. You can read the race report and see the splits here if you’re into reading about other people’s pain. Basically I think there are two strategies when it comes to running downhill. 1) Apply the brakes and control your pace and 2) give in to gravity and let yourself go. Last year I opted for number two because it felt so good (for 10 miles) and if Sheryl Crow has taught me anything it’s that if it makes me happy it can’t be that bad, right? Wrong! If it makes you happy, it’s probably only temporary and then the pain and leg cramps start, but that’s a little too wordy for song lyrics so I can see why Ms. Crow went with what she had there.

Anyway due to last years catastrophe, I’m obviously giving serious consideration to reigning in my pace a little more during the early miles of this race and trying to remain controlled on the hills, but in the interest of analyzing my running ad nauseam how should I do that? Run with a vertical posture? Slightly forwards or backwards lean? Gangsta’ lean? Chin up or down? Longer stride or shorter stride? Land on my heels or my midfoot? Hat on forwards or backwards? I just don’t know, which is why you’re here. Let me hear in the comments what you’ve heard or what you know about downhill running so that I can ignore you and do it my own way anyway. It will make it that much sweeter for you when you can tell me “I told you so,” after I fail again this year. Positive thinking, schmositive thinking!

Daylight Savings Time

This is a public service announcement to remind you that you need to Spring your clocks forward this Sunday at 2am, or Saturday night if you don’t want to stay up until wee hours and do it the right way. This probably doesn’t apply to you if you live outside the US or in the crazy state of Arizona. My theory about Arizona is that there are a lot of retired folks there and they get confused trying to reset the clock on their DVD players so the Grand Canyon State just decided to save them the trouble by avoiding Daylight Savings Time altogether.

Your feelings about DST as a runner probably vary depending on whether you are a morning runner (masochist), an evening runner (too lazy to get up early and run) or a mid-day runner (unemployable). If you are a morning runner then it was just starting to get light towards the end of your runs and now all of a sudden you’re going to be running in the dark again. Additionally, it will probably be colder when you run since the sun is an hour further away from rising, sucks to be you. If you are an evening runner then you’ve just garnered an extra hour of daylight which means that you’re going to have to procrastinate for an hour longer before you can use the excuse that it’s too dark to run. (It’s never too dark to run if you have enough reflective gear, and in some areas of town enough pepper spray, but it does still make for a good excuse.) If you’re a mid day runner then you probably don’t care what time of day it is since you clearly don’t have anything better to do with your time than go run, just be sure you don’t miss your favorite day time television shows.

I mostly run in the evening which means that I’m happy about DST coming earlier in the year than it used to. Of course it means that I have to change the time on all of the electronic devices in my home and then watch them all re-adjust themselves again a few weeks later since no one told them that we switched DST to the 2nd Sunday in March. Or I could just let them display the wrong time for a few weeks... yeah... I think I’ll go with that option.

Have a good weekend everyone!