One More Reason Not to Tri

Those of you who are familiar with Half-Fast will be wondering when I have ever really tried at anything but take another look at the headline you boneheads it says tri, not try.

As if I needed another reason not to do triathlons, news outlets are reporting that 40+ triathletes became sick after participating in the Boathouse International Triathlon in May. Officials believe that the cause of the sickness was the 1.5k swim in the Oklahoma River which tests have since revealed contained parasites, bacteria, flotsam and jetsam and more than double the accepted amount of E. coli for “primary body contact recreation in which there is a chance water could be ingested.” A chance water could be ingested? If I were to ever do a triathlon (which is waaaaaay less likely after this story) there is not a ‘chance’ of ingested water, it’s a certainty. I would swallow so much water that I wouldn’t need to hydrate on the bike, in fact I’d probably need a catheter.

Other reports stated that lab analysis of stool samples from several of the sick triathletes indicated “exposure to water that was contaminated with human or animal waste.” That’s disgusting. It’s no wonder those guys got sick, I’m getting ill just thinking about it.

Since the title of this post claims that this is one more reason that I’m not going to be doing triathlons anytime soon, allow me to tell you what the other reasons are. 1 Swimming. 2 Biking. 3 I don’t want to. 4 Vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal cramping and fever. (See: symptoms of drinking parasitic, E. coli-laced river water.) 5 I don’t like catheters. Now you may be thinking that the fourth item belongs above swimming and biking but you’d be wrong. Swimming and biking are much worse. Besides I have a little secret that totally cures vomiting and diarrhea, it’s called Pepto-Bismol. If you don’t have any Pepto-Bismol handy then alternately, you can just not drink and swim in a river that has a history of fecal coliform pollution. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices.

[Story Source: USA Today]

On a more pleasant note, Candis completed her triathlon last Friday without any of the aforementioned symptoms. She finished in pretty much the same time as the last one she did in September even though this one had a slightly longer swim course (read: more time to be exposed to human and animal waste). In an effort to provide you with a positive race report I’m going to say that she totally rocked the bike portion and not much else. I will add that she finished 5th in her age group and would have been 3rd had she been able to run at anything close to her normal pace.

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I’m 10 for 10 on the running streak and will do run #11 after work today. The novelty is starting to wear off, so get ready for some of those whining posts that you’ve all been looking forward to.

Anna Kournikova is Running

Former tennis Champion player Anna Kournikova recently participated in the Nautica South Beach Triathlon (½ mile swim, 19 mile bike, 4 mile run), and when I say that she participated in the Triathlon I mean that she just did the running part. That’s my kind of Tri. Kournikova was the running leg of a relay team that completed the tri in 1:30:58. In doing the tri, Kournikova was able to accomplish something that she was never able to do in the tennis world; being officially referred to as #1. Oooh, that one’s gonna’ sting for a while!

Carrying tennis racquets around helps you know who she is.
This story has been reported on several of the celebrity gossip blogs mostly because there are some good close-ups of Ms. Kournikova’s butt in spandex. (For the record, I would never stoop to objectifying chicks like that here at Half-Fast.) The story was also reported by EverymanTri but despite all the coverage that this has received no one has yet reported how fast Kournikova ran her 4 mile leg of the race. No one until now. I did a little investigative reporting (looked up the results) and discovered that Kournikova posted a time of 27:53 for her 4 mile leg, a blistering 6:59 pace.

Color me impressed. I was expecting something much slower but I probably should have known better. Despite being an easy target and never having won any singles titles, Kournikova was at one time a world class athlete, breaking into the top 10 during the peak of her career. It really shouldn’t surprise me that she’s faster than I am, and that commands my respect. Plus, she’s smokin’ hott! I just don’t know what she sees in Enrique Iglesias. What does he have that I don’t? (Rhetorical.)

You can read Kournikova’s recap of the race on her blog here. (She’s probably overjoyed to have just received a link from Half-Fast!)

Thanks for the tip on this story to awesome reader Chris, who once attained the number one ranking in the world for coolness, but lost it when they found out he drove a VW Bug (total chick car).

So I Married a Triathlete

This past weekend Candis and 6 friends all completed the Tri Babes Sprint Triathlon. A feat that required them to swim 750 meters, bike 12 miles and then run a 5K. I completed the much more impressive feat of toting two kids around a triathlon course, taking pictures of their mother and cheering loudly. Why is my feat more impressive? Well... it’s not, but I did mine without a lick of training and set a new Personal Record for the number of times I lost track of where my children were. Ta da! Unfortunately they always found their way back to me thanks to the friends and relatives who were in attendance cheering for Candis and the other ladies.

Enough about me. Candis. Rocked! The night before the tri Candis indicated that a good time to shoot for would be 25 minutes on the swim, 45 minutes on the bike and 35 minutes for the run for a total time somewhere around the 1 hour 45 minute mark. I countered with 20 - 45 - 30 because Candis always underestimates her abilities when creating race goals, and a 35 minute 5K for Candis would be downright shameful. I’m not sure what we decided on but here’s the way it worked out!

Swim (750m): 15:39 (A full 4 minutes faster than her best training times!)
T1: 1:52
Bike (12 mi): 46:36
T2: 1:06
Run (5K): 32:11
Total Time: 1:37:22

Most impressive was clearly the swim and T1 time. I was so excited for Candis when she came up out of the water in 15 minutes and headed into T1, she was doing great! T2 was an entirely different story, and not because it was slow. Candis came in on the bike, hung it on the rack and headed out as quickly as she could. She’d been gone a few minutes when I saw her bib still lying in her transition area. (For the sensible readers among you who don’t do triathlons; you have to put the bib on for the run.)

In an ironic twist of fate you’ll notice that in Candis’ last post before the tri, the only item in her Race Plan that suffered from excessive exclamation points was “BIB ON !!!” Perhaps it needed more exclamation points or a larger font. Springing into action, I illegally leapt into the transition zone and snatched up the bib. I could either head to the finish and try to hand her the bib a couple tenths of a mile prior to the finish line or I could try to chase her down. I knew that she would be upset about leaving the bib if she realized what she’d done and I was worried she’d come back to get it, so dressed in jeans and a cotton t-shirt I took off for a little 5K jaunt. Not long into my impromptu run I rounded a corner and saw Candis running back towards me, tears welling up in her eyes. I handed her the bib and she turned around and headed back in the right direction. I paced with her for another quarter mile until she was able to settle down and get into her groove, at which point I went back to the finish area and thanked Candis’ aunt and uncle for watching the kids.

Hey look, no bib!
The run course as measured by a friend’s Garmin actually turned out to be 2.7 miles (a 4.4K instead of a 5K), but by coming back to get her bib Candis managed to run an extra half mile, making her run a fraction longer than a 5K. I suppose you could say that Candis was the only one to finish the course because everyone else stopped shy of running a 5K, in fact if I was her I’d be telling everyone that I was the only one who was able to run a 5K after the grueling swim and bike. That’s the way I roll, dishonest and boastful are two of my more attractive qualities. Sorry ladies, I’m taken.

I can’t even tell you how proud I am of Candis so please try to suppress your praise and adulation of me and tell Candis in the comments that she did great, just for today. Tomorrow you can go back to telling me how awesome I am because let’s not forget that I’m the one who’s running a marathon.


Don’t let her catch you!
Candis takes my 3 year old’s advice and shows her Battle Face!
Also of note I ran into Ross Hadley from agegroupers.com and he took a whole bunch of pictures of the event, you can see them here. All of the girls from our group are wearing the same pink hibiscus shirt that Candis is and there’s even a group shot of the husbands and kids that were there supporting Team Hibiscus. Many thanks for the pictures Ross.

Congrats on a great time C. “It’s a shame I’m going to have to destroy you.”

K.I.S.S.

Hi, this is Candis again. Ian asked me to mention that you can read more of his drivel (drivel is my word, I think he used “prose”) over at Linden’s Pensieve today because Linden asked several bloggers for advice before her marathon. Why anyone would ask Ian’s advice on marathoning is beyond my comprehension. Speaking of running a marathon, I’m certain that Ian finally decided to run one so that he could announce it this week and overshadow my Sprint Triathlon that is ONLY 4 DAYS AWAY!!

Tick. Tick. Tick... the last time I heard the clock’s every tick I was waiting to go into labor. I am just as nervous for my upcoming Sprint Triathlon. I understand it is no Iron Man, no ½ Iron Man, no Olympic Tri but that’s because I am not that obsessed... yet.

I’m a simple girl. OK that’s not true at all, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like simple running plans, simple race plans and simple packing plans. This is not that plan. There is nothing simple about it.

So for now, pretend it’s challenging and for you pure runners, revel in my idiocy of attempting two sports too many.

Pack Plan Tri Shorts Tri Top 2 hair rubber bands Extra contacts Pam Wet suit Plastic bag Goggles 2 swim caps Nose plug Inhaler!!! Kashi bar Garmin Half towel Socks Shoes w/ elastic laces Wind jacket Sport Beans/SHOT Bloks 1 bottle iced Accelerade

1 bottle water Tube Tire tool CO2 canister & pump Mini screwdriver Pump BIKE!!! Mark bike w/ number Helmet! Sunglasses Belt Safety pins Bib Timing chip Flag for transition spot? Sweats/sweatshirt Bag My mind

Race Plan Set Up Transition Find landmark to remember it Mark arms Timing tag Check enter/exit spots for T1, T2 & Finish CALM DOWN Start swim at back right Start slower speed up STRONG & STEADY SWIM Stay to right at buoys Peel wet suit down to waist and remove swim gear by T1 T1 Drink at start of bike Eat Sport Beans at mile 4 PUSH ON BIKE T2 BIB ON!!! Fight through the first 0.3 miles Try not to get caught in race photos looking like this. 10 minute miles for run Whoop & Holler at Finish Line Drink Pitcher Margaritas [Ed. Note: I’d like to add one more after that one: Get taken advantage of by loving husband.]

I am VERY excited to just run after my tri is over. Ian’s simple running plan has been taunting me. For months I have been calculating the arc tangent of the 7 day week to discover the Pythagorean Theorem of muscle recovery and hydration percentages marked by the stupidity of the bored runner.

Of course, we always want what we don’t have. In 2 months I’ll just want to swim and ride my bike, yeah right.