The Long Con

Yesterday I concluded a two part April Fools’ Day joke. After posting an April Fools’ day joke the previous two years I knew that some of you might suspect something and needed a way to throw you off the scent. I came up with the idea of the multi-day fool a couple of years ago when another blog I read (Cynical Dad) pulled it off to perfection with a 3 day story, concluding on April 1st. (You see how I both credited the original source AND took credit for the idea in that last sentence? There’s a fine line between Ian and genius and I just blurred it.) However, three days of foolery sounded like a lot of work so naturally I cut it down to two, that’s the way I roll here at Half-Fast. (It’s still cool to say “that’s how I roll,” right?)

As with any good lie, large portions of the story were true. In fact, everything I wrote in Act 1 was true, and a large part of Act 2 was true. I’ve gone back through yesterday’s post and changed the text color to red on any part that was NOT true, but if you’re too lazy to re-read it I’ll give a quick summation. The kid and most of his antics were real, although I may have over-emphasized how annoying he was. I never actually said anything to the kid but I did roll my eyes and sigh a lot to express my annoyance like the mature adult that I am. After ten minutes in the fitness center the kid left and never came back, and I never met his father and I’ve still never fallen off a treadmill and I NEVER WILL! Also, I have no idea how I will follow this up next year. Perhaps I’ll fool you all by confessing to some heinous thing that I did and telling you on April 1st, but the joke will be that it’s all true and no one will believe me. Gotcha! Or maybe I’ll make up a funny April Fools’ story, but post it on March 1st when no one’s expecting it. Oh, that’s a good one. ZING!!

A lot of people hate April Fools’ Day, not me, I love it. I’m suspicious of everything on April 1st. “Well I have a green light, but maybe this is an elaborate joke and we all have a green light? I should just sit here so I don’t look like a fool.” I cannot be had, do you hear me? OK, occasionally someone gets me and I love it even more when that happens. Well played, good sir.

Yesterday my favorite running related pranks were the Boston Marathon lowering their qualifying times and Gu adding some delicious new flavors recapped here by Steve. Liver ‘n’ Onions anyone? My least favorite one was Xenia’s since it was posted before mine and alerted some of you to what I was doing.

UPDATE: According to Mike at Running Is Funny the Boston Marathon pulled no such prank. Apparently it was a fake site that had everyone up in arms over the new lower qualifying times and the Boston Athletic Association is none to thrilled and looking to take legal action.

Confidential to Old Man Winter

Earlier this month when we were enjoying 60+ degree temperatures here in Denver I happily gloated and waived our fine weather in the faces of those of you residing in states that were gripped by snow and ice. It will probably bring you a great deal of pleasure to know that these past few days (the first days of Spring) we’ve been feeling the sting of colder temperatures and my cross training has taken the form of digging out my driveway, building a snowman, and whitewashing 4 and 5 year olds. By the way, whitewashing 4 and 5 year olds is way more rewarding that than it should be.

All of this snow and cold can only mean one thing: Old Man Winter reads Half-Fast and I have taunted him into kicking me in the pants. Fantastic. Well you know what, Old Man Winter? You can get bent! You’re not fooling anyone with this late season snow, your days are numbered and I will dance on your grave when the time comes. (Parenthetical side note: Totally nailed the correct usage of ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ in that sentence. You really have to understand their meanings to see that they’re used correctly there. (Second parenthetical side note: ‘Their,’ ‘they’re’ and ‘there’ also used correctly! High Five!) Totally makes up for the redundancy of pointing out that something inside parentheses was parenthetical.) Where was I? Oh yes, Old Man Winter. Suck it!

If you think that a little snow and wind is going to keep me from running then you’re not paying attention. Did you not see the post about YakTrax? Do you not know that I have a treadmill? I laugh in the face of cold weather and I scoff at your measly 4 - 5 inches. I’ll start forwarding you some e-mails that promise to help you grow to 10 - 12 inches, but even then I’ll keep running, and do you know why? Because I’m unstoppable. I’m like a bad run on sentence or the Enegizer bunny.

Anniversary
Wednesday will be the 2 year anniversary of Half-Fast, so be sure to stop by on Wednesday and if you haven’t already started shopping for a gift then you had better get on it. This is not the kind of blog that is going to let you off easy if you forget its anniversary. And don’t even think about showing up here on Wednesday with a card and a gift certificate. Put some thought into it, if you haven’t been able to figure out what gift this blog wants from its subtle hints then I don’t think you really love it at all. What? Is there someone else? Who is she? WHO IS SHE?

Personal Running Log - July 2008

It’s that time of the month again where I pretend that you’re all deeply interested in my running log. I know that a great many of you will just skip right past this post and that’s OK because I do the same thing with a great many of your blog posts. But this is my blog and if I want to drive readers away in droves by posting my boring running log, then that’s exactly what I’ll do thankyouverymuch.

For those of you who have made it this far and are still reading (bored at work today?) allow me to allay your fears about me kicking my karma in the junk in yesterday’s post. It’s OK because I don’t believe in karma. If karma were real then good things wouldn’t keep happening to people like me. Karma is a just big bag of propaganda that ‘they’ use to keep you in line. Karma is henceforth invited to kiss my sweaty, dimpled, derriere. How do you like me now, karma?

I think I’ve said enough for today, but be sure to check back tomorrow to see if that imaginary leprechaun we call karma had the stones to respond to my taunts. I’m shaking in my running shoes... shaking it like a Polaroid picture! Hey Ya!

Date	Route	Type	Distance	Time	Pace
7/29/2008	4 Miles Out & Back	Intervals (3x800)	4 Mi	34:50	8:43
7/26/2008	12 Mile Loop	Long	12 Mi	1:51:23	9:17
7/23/2008	Misc Route	Tempo	9.25 Mi	1:22:10	8:53
7/21/2008	6 Mile Loop Long Hill	Intervals (4x1600)	6 Mi	51:01	8:31
7/19/2008	11 Mile Loop	Long	11 Mi	1:41:02	9:12
7/16/2008	Misc Route	Tempo	8 Mi	1:12:26	8:59
7/14/2008	Track	Intervals (6x400)	4 Mi	33:56	8:29
7/12/2008	10 Mile Lake	Long	10 Mi	1:32:30	9:15
7/10/2008	8 Miles Out & Back	Easy	8 Mi	1:19:40	9:58
7/8/2008	4 Miles Out & Back	Intervals (4x800)	4 Mi	33:20	8:20
7/5/2008	6 Mile Loop Short Hill	Long	6 Mi	55:25	9:15
7/2/2008	6 Mile Loop Short Hill	Tempo	6 Mi	52:48	8:48
Totals:Distance: 88.25 miles Total Time: 13:20:31

You’re Sick Because You’re Weak!

My whole family has been sick this past weekend, coughing and wheezing with a little puking thrown in just for good measure. My wife and both boys have been feeling absolutely miserable and have been popping Dayquil and Nyquil caplets like a young Brett Favre, as if you hadn’t heard enough about that guy already. Anyway, they were a pretty sad bunch, and I’m still kind of mad at them for ruining my weekend. Why can’t they get sick during the work week when I’m not around to put up with it? So inconsiderate.

Nevertheless, I shrugged off my annoyance at their illness and played the role of supportive husband. Mostly that consisted of me strutting around, displaying my good health and telling them that they were sick because they weren’t mentally strong enough to fight it off. I almost never get sick, which is why it annoys me so much when others are ill, I suppose. If you didn’t want to be sick, then you wouldn’t be sick, it’s just that simple.

When they first started coming down with sore throats and wet, hacking coughs I was a little worried that I would catch it right before my half marathon this Saturday. However, I’ve since decided that I don’t think I’ll allow myself to get sick this week. I’m going to take a rain check on whatever it is that my family has been infected with. And if by some twist of fate I do get sick this week, I don’t anticipate it preventing me from beating Viper’s PR in the half marathon because the list of ways that he is superior to me is shorter than Tom Cruise and just as phony.

My Co-worker has Shin Splints!

I just moved into a new office and the guy that works next to me was telling me that he has shin splints. Awesome! This is perhaps some of the best news that I've had in a long time. Is he a nice guy? No. He's a great guy, model citizen, hard worker, loyal friend, and what's more he's training for a half-marathon that's coming up in 4 weeks.

As you may or may not know I myself am training for a 10K race that's coming up in less than 3 weeks, and I'm always concerned about getting injured right before a race. It's that time when you are peaking in your training and there's always that worry in the back of your head that you will suffer from an over-use injury and miss the race. Either that or you will enter the race knowing that your likelihood of walking is so high you might as well be dug in against the Yankees middle relief. But now, I don't have to worry about injury. Why you ask? Do you have any idea what the odds are of two people who work in adjacent offices both getting shin splints? They're 1 in 340,774. (This may or may not be true). It's kind of like how TSA always advises you to carry a bomb with you on the airplane (also, may or may not be true). Because again, the odds of two unconnected people both carrying bombs onto the same plane are insanely high. So if you take a bomb onto a plane and don't detonate it you're bound to have a safe flight (Definitely, not true).

So rejoice with me all you readers, rejoice at the misfortune and pain of others that all but ensures an injury free upcoming 3 weeks.