The Pants, I Wear Them

Bolder Boulder 10k Race Report
Let’s get straight to the point. I’m still the top dog in this house. I’m still the hombre that wears the pants around here. I’m still the one calling the shots. I’m the lead dog, the head honcho, the big kahuna, the top banana, numero uno. When it comes to the Bolder Boulder I still finish before my wife, and yes I like to think that the clarification at the start of this sentence was necessary.

On Memorial Day weekend Candis and I ran the Bolder Boulder 10k in 57:07 and 53:28 respectively. For Candis it was a disappointing time, though still the second best time she’s posted in a 10k. For me it was a major relief, and coincidentally my second best time in a 10k. (Side note: I’m going to start using the term P2B to represent a Personal 2nd Best and I’m going to celebrate P2Bs with the same gusto that I normally reserve for PRs. After all, this is a sport in which we hand out finisher medals and that’s basically just the same as a participation medal. Maybe I’ll eventually start celebrating P3Bs and P4Bs too because that’s the kind of inspirational go-getter that I am!)

The Race
I pulled ahead of Candis in the early stages of the first mile and told myself that I would not turn and look back for her. The entire race I imagined that she was just a few paces behind me waiting to make her move but I didn’t want Candis to think that I was worried even though that’s the only thing that was keeping me going. Whenever I started to tire or slow down I imagined Candis surging past me and I found that visualization exercise to be quite motivational. In fact, I may make Candis run behind me in all my races from now on.

It wasn’t until I crossed the 6 mile mark and headed down into Folsom Field that I began to feel confident that Candis wasn’t going to catch me. I sprinted to the finish weaving in and out of slower runners until some guy accepted my challenge and we sped towards the tape, matching each other stride for stride. We crossed the line in a tie and gave each other a congratulatory handshake, and when I say that we tied I say that the same way a guy who’s just been dumped by the woman he loves says that the decision to end the relationship was mutual. I think in both situations you can probably read between the lines and see what happened but the classy thing to do is just agree with the guy that it was mutual. We finished the race mutually.

Finally, here is the updated chart of our times over the years. This is more for my enjoyment than anything else.

Hey! Where the hell is my afternoon thunderstorm?

I don’t usually like to make snap judgments about people that I don’t know but I think it’s pretty safe to say that the local TV weather girl is a lying whore! A couple of days ago she told me, nay, promised me that we were going to get some afternoon thunderstorms. Based on this information I decided to sleep in and go run after work because I wasn’t worried about it being sunny and 90+ degrees when I got home. Well apparently I forgot to take into account that our local weather girl is a compulsive liar who gets her rocks off by duping handsome bloggers into running in the extreme heat of the day. Well played madam, but I’ll have you know that I’m not that easily duped nor am I that committed to running that I would be foolish enough to run in such conditions. ‘I’ll show her,’ I thought to myself and instead I went down into the basement and ran on the treadmill. It was as boring as watching the weather channel, (Oooh burn! Chalk one up for Vanilla!) but it was worth it to avoid the heat.

One run on the treadmill is bearable, especially considering that it put me 1 - 0 up on the weather girl. Two runs on the treadmill in a week crosses the line from bearable to irritating and three treadmilling sessions in a week would trigger a DEFCON 2 level emergency in which all sharp objects must be placed out of my reach and the shoelaces are removed from all my shoes, thus preventing me from having four treadmill runs in a week which would cause the universe to collapse on itself. I don’t want any of you to worry but last night Candis forced me to run on the treadmill for the second day in a row, putting me into the irritating category (shut up, you know what I mean).

I had planned on running outside last night, but was informed when I arrived home that Candis had a meeting she needed to go to and I had to stay home and watch our two boys. I started to protest that she couldn’t just spring these things on me at the last minute but then she did that thing that women like to do where they say “Don’t you remember? We talked about this a couple of days ago,” when clearly we did not have any such conversation and even if we did, I’m really supposed to remember conversations from a couple of days ago? If the conversation did take place, and I’m not admitting that it did, she probably tricked me by talking to me while I was in the middle of trying to do something else like watching TV or sleeping or breathing. Of course there’s no point in me trying to argue this because then it just makes it look like I don’t pay attention to her which somehow equates to not loving her in the female mind. It’s easier and much less energy to just say that I do remember the conversation (which never existed) so I can get back to watching Ice Road Truckers uninterrupted. Incidentally, I need to share with you sometime how Candis came to have a meeting last night because it’s hilarious, not to mention a little humiliating for her.

Anyway, that’s the (longwinded) story of how I came to have two treadmill runs in a row and the reason that I’ll be running outside tonight when I get home... or simply not running at all (hmmm... tempting). It’s supposed to be hot and sunny again tonight, at least that’s what the weather girl says, but I can’t possibly torture myself on the treadmill for another day.

Jessica Biel is Running... oh, and so is Timberlake

I was going to try and wait a while before doing another celebrity running post because I know some of you come here for serious running talk not salacious gossip but I couldn’t resist the opportunity to post pictures of Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake running together. Biel is currently holding down one of the top spots on my ‘list of 5 celebrities’ and as for Timberlake, well, he’s the first alternate. *swoon*

Anyway, here they are running at Chelsea Pier a couple of days ago, and I have no idea where Chelsea Pier is but it seems like it should be warmer there this time of year.

Is Timberlake wearing a hat with his own initials on it? Who does he think he is Tiger Woods?
They appear to be moving pretty quickly because they get further and further from the guy in the white shirt behind them and you know that he was trying to stay close to her behind. Or maybe I’ve got the pictures backwards and the guy in the white shirt is catching up to them, yeah, let’s go with that.

There were a lot more pictures of them running together but I’m not going to post them all because there very similar to these pictures (i.e. not revealing enough). Instead, how about I post some pictures of Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake looking sexy and wearing less? See, when couples run together there’s something for everyone here at Half-Fast, well, everyone but the people who are into cross dressers, but that’s such a small demographic.

Check out that Paparazzi guy behind them being obnoxious and taking pictures. Talk about an annoying way to have to run everyday. Hey buddy, quit being a jerk and leave them alone! And also hurry up and publish your pictures to the web so I can find some pictures from that angle. Yes, I’m aware that I am both promoting what the Paparazzi do and being righteously indignant about their invading people’s privacy in the same post. It’s called ‘having my cake and eating it too’ and it’s a wonderful way to live. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got to go harass some other bloggers for objectifying women... just as soon as I upload a few more of these bikini pictures - now who’s bringing sexy back, huh?

Off Track: Job Opportunities Abound!

Many of you already know that I work in the financial services industry and I imagine that you’re all really jealous because of all the good publicity we’re getting right now. As part of my career in the financial services industry I was at one time required to obtain some special licenses. (I’m being vague on purpose but don’t mess with me, one of them may or may not have been a License to Kill.) The licenses required hours of classroom training followed by extensive memorizing of antiquated legalese, culminating in daylong tests. I no longer need or use the licenses in my current position (which is Senior Director of Awesomeness and Time Mismanagment), but I continue to keep the licenses because there’s a chance that I could need them again if I change my career path (read: get demoted) and I’d hate to have to go through the tests again. The downside to continuing to be licensed is that this is public information and I frequently get junk mail offering me incredible opportunities with huge commissions and zero dignity!

Today I received one that just needed to be shared, but before I share it with you allow me to tell you the path this postcard took to reach me. First, it was mailed to the office where I used to work. It was processed by the mail room and delivered to the receptionist there who knows me and forwarded it via internal mail to my new office location across town. It arrived at the correct building and was delivered to the wrong floor so the 4th floor receptionist walked around to several other floors until she found an assistant on my floor who recognized my name. That assistant gave it to an assistant in my department who then marched into my office with said postcard. The point here being: a lot of people have handled this postcard. At first I wasn’t sure why the assistant was scowling at me and holding my mail by the edges until she dropped it down onto my desk with the postcard right on top.

Holy crap! I felt my cheeks flush red with embarrassment and I stammered “wh-what’s this?” She had already turned to leave, obviously not wanting to discuss the sultry postcard that is covered with an alarming number of smudged fingerprints. (Please be smudged fingerprints, please be smudged fingerprints!) After a few minutes of staring at the postcard I realized there was a caption in the upper left corner, it says:

Hi Ian!
My boss is looking for a competent financial professional to work with qualified prospects in your area who want to buy [redacted]. Not small cases either, average compensation per case is $20,000 - $30,000. More details on the reverse side of this card.

Oh, I’d like to see her reverse side, if you know what I mean. So basically my incentive to inquire about a job there is because there’s a hot receptionist and big bonuses? Oh, I’ll bet she gets a lot of big bonuses, if you know what I mean. I can’t even imagine the kind of sleazebags that would respond to an ad like this, but I suppose I’ll get used to dealing with them as I take on my new position. Oh, I’m going to try a new position, if you know what I mean. If that company isn’t being sued for sexual harassment before the year is out, I will be extremely surprised. Oh, I’ll be extremely surprised, if you know what I mean... I don’t know what I mean.

Getting Back on the Wagon

Can someone please give me a hand back up onto the running bandwagon? I seem to be having some problems getting motivated and given that I’ve only run 9 miles since the marathon I don’t have much to write about. I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank text box for a while trying to come up with ideas but I’m feeling totally RazZDoodle’d. Yesterday, I was determined to run. I set my mind to it while the day was still young and even left work a little early so that I would have plenty of daylight remaining.

But then I arrived home, and there was a little bit of wind and I was all “Well I hate the wind and I don’t have a race coming up so maybe I could skip another day of running,” and my wife, bless her heart was all “I ran 7 miles on the treadmill today, you could use the treadmill like I did,” and I had to fight really hard to stop myself from doing that thing that kids do where they repeat what you just said but in a squeaky, high-pitched voice like they’re mimicking you. So I just kind of procrastinated a little until it started to get close to dinner time and then I asked my wife what she was making for dinner in a totally loving and not at all chauvinistic way, because sometimes if she’s making something that isn’t very exciting it makes me want to go run just to take my mind off the fact that dinner isn’t going to be exciting tonight. Anyway, Candis told me that she was making guacamole and that we were going to be having tacos, then as if it just occurred to her she was all “Oh, and if you like I could whip up a pitcher of margaritas” and all of a sudden running was totally out of the question. I guess the point I’m driving at here is that margaritas go really well with chips and guacamole, don’t they? And also that I didn’t run last night because when your choices are ‘running’ or ‘margaritas and Mexican food’ then you take the margaritas and Mexican food and you don’t look back.

I didn’t run this morning before work either, because I had margaritas and Mexican food last night and that’s not conducive to getting up at the butt-crack of dawn and running. So, perhaps I’ll run tonight or perhaps I’ll come up with another excuse, stay tuned tomorrow to find out what happens. (Speaking of excuses, you can win free stuff over at the Runners’ Lounge if you can come up with creative excuses like me.)

Finally, I apologize for that second paragraph up there, I just went back and read it and I think my writing might have slipped back to a grade school level because it sounds an awful lot like those posts featuring the literary stylings of a young Vanilla and I don’t want to go back to those habits where I avoided periods (or full stop’s as we called them in England) like I’m now avoiding running, but now that I think of it, I guess maybe this is just the circle of life coming full circle, so to speak. Whatever that means.

On Weight Loss and Triathletes

Two quick things today.
1. It would appear that the secret to weight loss has finally been unlocked. Johnny Virgil has a post on his blog, 15 Minute Lunch, about an old book that hails from the 1930s and contains guidelines for things like pinching off the fat cells. The premise of the book is hilarious as is Johnny’s commentary on it, and I suggest you go check it out. For those of you who don’t remember, Johnny Virgil is the guy who wrote the 1970’s JC Penney Catalog post that swept through the interwebs like a bad case of venereal disease and had me peeing my pants with laughter.

2. Candis (that’s my wife for those of you who are fashionably late to the party here) has gotten this idea in her pretty little head that she’s going to do a sprint triathlon. Running is somehow no longer enough for her and I can’t help but feel like she’s kind of two-timing, nay three-timing running. I’m happy for her that she’s setting aggressive goals for herself and that she’s working hard to stay in shape because I’d really hate for people to refer to me as “that blogger with the fat wife.” I’d consider joining her in her quest to complete a triathlon if I wasn’t certain that it would end in my bloated corpse being discovered with eight gallons of pool water in my lungs. I have no desire whatsoever to attempt a triathlon.

Yesterday I arrived back at our house after a 6 mile run and began the usual practice of reading off my split times to Candis. This is usually where Candis strokes my ego and tells me how impressive they are and how manly I am. Without this charade my sense of self worth goes right down the crapper. Yesterday was different. “Is that all you’re doing?” Candis asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re ONLY running today? Because I ran AND swam today.” And just like that she stripmined my self-worth and left me the cavernous empty shell of a man that sits here typing this entry. Unfortunately I couldn’t think of a good comeback, and that’s where I need your help. I really hate to keep cutting her off in the bedroom, because no one should be forced to go without some Vanilla-love for an extended period of time. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment and to be honest it’s no fun for me either. So I need your suggestions on how I should respond to these new taunts and this new perceived feeling of superiority. Hey, I’m no dummy. I saw Sleeping with the Enemy and I know what happens when wives start taking swimming lessons.

Running in Salt Lake City

If a post goes up at 4:00pm on a Friday will anyone read it before Monday? Let’s find out...

I liked Salt Lake City. There are a few things that I could do without, like the motion-detecting soap dispenser at the office with the itchy trigger finger. Three times now that thing has ejaculated all over my sleeve because I’m too dim to learn from my mistakes. I’m also not a big fan of the crosswalks chirping at you when it’s your turn to cross the street. Shut up already! The people here seem really nice though, everyone has been very accommodating and this guy even offered to run with me, which would have been cool if we could have worked it out because I’m always looking for someone to carry my water bottle, my phone, and my oversized ego.

I used Google Maps to look for a park close to my hotel and found Liberty Park roughly 2 miles away. I memorized the route (7 blocks south, 5 blocks east), said a fond farewell to the free wine in the lobby and started out. I had a 6oz water bottle in my pocket because no one offered to carry it for me... hmmm... so much for everyone being really nice here.

Liberty Park had some beautiful views, by which I mean that there were hot chicks in sports bras running, playing tennis, and rollerblading. Rollerblading? Holy crap! Have I been transported back in time to the year 1998? In addition to the talent, Liberty Park is quite scenic. There are tennis courts, a lake pond with ducks on it, and plenty of trees to shade your way. There’s even a 1.5 mile wood-chipped loop that’s built for running (pictured below). I ran on it for maybe a minute before going back to the concrete sidewalk with the Rollerbladers, it was too soft, almost like running on a bouncy castle. Thanks, but I’ll be over here tearing my knees up on the concrete.


As I left the park and headed back to the hotel I remembered seeing a plaza on the map and decided to take a short cut. The plaza consumed a couple of city blocks and would allow me to cut a corner, cutting corners is what I do best. I arrived to discover that this plaza was a raised plaza and I was faced with the unpleasant reality of having to climb 23 whole steps!

As I slowed to walk up them the Rocky theme came blaring through my MP3 player and I had visions of Rocky running up the steps. I bounded up the steps as fast as I could, and because it felt so good and stroked my ego, I ran back down them, took that picture and then ran back up them again. 69 steps! I told you I was dedicated.

I was rewarded at the top of the plaza by this:

I took out my ear buds and leaned my head under the cool water. It felt wonderful. Standing there with my head in the water I pronounced this the greatest fountain in the history of fountains, and I just got back from Vegas where we watched the Bellagio fountains. Unfortunately these Salt Lake City fountains will probably have to be taken down to make way for the gaudy monstrosity of a statue that will be erected in my honor. I think that everyone will probably agree that it’s totally worth it though.

A Request for Garmin

Whenever a gift giving occasion comes along, multitudes of husbands go and ask their wives what they should buy for them, but not me. Oh no. I used to do that until I learned my lesson. Now when one of those times comes around where I’m supposed to buy my wife a gift, like Valentine’s Day, or her birthday, or Tuesday, I already know what I’m going to get her. How? I pay attention. This earth-shattering departure from societal norms is one of the things that makes me a freakin’ awesome husband, but before you go heaping praise on me, let me explain how this radical new way came to be. (Ladies, take notes.)

Every time I asked my wife what gift she wanted, she’d come up with something that would be perfect for her. “Oooooh,” she’d say, “I really want a large capacity washing machine that becomes a dryer when the wash cycle is over and then dries the clothes in a wrinkle free manor.”
“That sounds really cool,” I’d answer, “where did you see it?”
That’s when the other shoe would drop. “Oh, I’ve never actually seen one anywhere. I just conjured it up in my head so that you’d be miserable as you wandered from store to store asking pimple-faced clerks where the washer-dryers were located only to find that they had misunderstood the question...” OK that’s not what she said, but that’s what I heard.

Naturally, I don’t ask my wife for ideas anymore. It’s much easier to painstakingly pay attention to her when she talks and then go buy her the things she desires that I know actually exist. Unfortunately this strategy doesn’t stop her from occasionally telling me about made up stuff that she really, really wants.

Such was the case this past week, when she told me that she wanted a Garmin of her own. Oh, but not just any Garmin. No, no. She wanted a Garmin that was a pair of sunglasses instead of a watch, and not cheap, crappy sunglasses either. Stylish ones. Then instead of going through the agony of having to look down to see your pace, the sunglasses would just flash that information up on the inside of the lenses, kind of like a Heads-Up-Display (HUD). And hey! Let’s not stop there, the sunglasses should also play MP3s and you should have the option to hear your pace, distance, time etc. through the earpieces.

It’s a fantastic idea, but I don’t think they actually exist. So if someone at Garmin is reading this post, then I’d like to suggest the Garmin Sunrunner 505 Sunglasses (pictured above, artist’s impression). If someone over there could get on this idea pronto, I know my wife would appreciate it. Would it be asking too much to have a pair of the 505s over-nighted to my office so that I could give them to my wife for Valentine’s Day?

NOTE: If no one at Garmin has thought of this yet, then they are welcome pay me royalties for this idea.

Katie Holmes is Running

Katie must’ve dropped something. Too bad it wasn’t that freakshow husband of hers.
You've probably already heard that Katie Holmes ran the NYC Marathon this past weekend and you’ve probably already seen the pictures. You’re probably thinking that I’m awfully late to the table with this entry but quite frankly Half-Fast has never claimed to be quick on the uptake, nor has it ever been considered a source for breaking news. Yes, all the best jokes have already been written by others and there’s very little left for me to say. Why then would I go ahead and post this blog entry? Because it gave me an excuse to Google pictures of Katie Holmes, and because if I don’t mention it on Half-Fast then it never really happened.

As much as I applaud Katie Holmes for running the NYC marathon I’d prefer that she stick to what she does best: Cavorting around in my dreams sans underwear while we play in the warm surf of the Caribbean waters, giggling as our toes sink into the sand. Later we’ll go back to the cabana and I’ll quote French poetry to her as she gazes at me in wonderment, all the while wanting to... uhmm... what? Sorry about that. I was just getting caught up in the moment.

Hey look! It’s just like my dreams! She’s not wearing a bra! At least that’s what someone told me. I didn’t actually notice that she wasn’t wearing a bra, in fact, I’m not even sure how one would be able to tell if that was the case or not.

Ahh yes. Nothing says “loving husband” like dreaming of another woman on your wife’s birthday. Happy Birthday babe! I love you!

Many thanks to reader and fellow celeb stalker, Marcy for the tip on this story.

Katie finished the NYC Marathon in 5:29:58 which equates to a pace of 12:36 per mile. I mention this only to add some legitimacy to this post. Now, back to that dream that I was having. Where were we? Oh yes... gazes at me in wonderment, all the while wanting to...

Guess Who's Running a 5K

I said in a previous post that I had never run a 5K and that I wasn't planning on running one prior to the Denver Half Marathon, but that has all changed. I will be running the Chamber Challenge 5K on Wednesday, September 5th just one week from tomorrow. Let me tell you how I came about this decision to shirk my original plans and run a 5K. My office phone rang, I picked it up and my wife said "hey, I signed you up for a 5K because I wanted someone to run with." Ta Da. Easiest decision I've ever made.

I have no idea what my pace should be or how hard I'll try to run this thing but the good news is that it will be a PR because I've never run a 5K before. Your first attempt at a race distance is always a PR right? Plugging my Bolder Boulder time of 56:00 into the McMillan Running Calculator that I have linked on the right, I come up with a suggested pace of 8:41 and a time of 26:57. Since the Bolder Boulder my shortest training runs have been 5 or 6 miles so I'm really not sure what to expect for a 5K. I'm not going to specifically train for the 5K (obviously since it's a mere 8 days away), but I will continue my half marathon training and just throw this in as an extra run. On another positive note I will be posting a race report on Thursday morning or whenever I get around to it and you can all critique my performance.

Join us after the race for some delicious food provided by Outback Steakhouse, Ted’s Montana Grill and El Jardin Mexican Restaurant. Beverages provided by BJ's Restaurant, Inc. Live music by Trainwreck and festivities will feature a Meet the Candidates Reception.

Now I like Outback and Ted's Montana Grill as much as the next guy, but I just don't know if it will be worth sitting through a "Meet the Candidates Reception" just to get some good food. I'll let you know what I decide about this in the post race report. Or more correctly, I'll pass judgment on what my wife decided we'd do in the post race report. She makes the decisions, I mock them behind her back - it's one of the keys to a happy marriage you know.

Running With Celebrities

I received an e-mail from the Denver Marathon a couple of days ago inviting me to bid on the opportunity to run part of the Denver Marathon with a Denver "celebrity." Apparently 13 Denver "celebrities" will run 2 miles each to benefit a charity of their choosing. Let's take a look at the list so that you stop wondering why I keep using the "air quotes" when I say "celebrity."

• Bill Romanowski - Former Broncos Player
• Alex Smith - a cast member of MTV's Real World Denver
• Scott Elrod - a cast member on ABC's Men in Trees
• Jake Schroeder - lead singer of Opie Gone Bad
• Marni Rachich - "Peekaboo Screech" on the Denver Roller Dolls (you have to click that link, it's pretty high on the unintentionally funny scale.)
• Vic Lombardi - CBS4 sportscaster
• Maggie Ireland - Miss Colorado 2007 (pictured right)
• Chris Anthony - an extreme skier and star of 17 Warren Miller films

That is a pretty sad indictment of the celebrities we have here in the Denver area, I think I'm probably in the top 25. Anyway there is a clear winner in the bunch, and I'd like to ask for your donations so that I can run with... *drum roll please*... Miss Colorado 2007, Maggie Ireland. We have so much in common that we could talk about during our 2 miles together. For example, Maggie is a beauty queen, and I like to daydream about beauty queens. Maggie strongly holds to her beliefs that we can find optimism in the midst of adversity and I strongly hold to my beliefs that Maggie is a smokin' hottie.

If you possess an IQ in the double digit range then you've probably already noticed that there is something wrong with the above list, something other than the fact that they're playing it pretty fast and loose with the term "celebrity." The list only has 8 people on it, which means that there are six... no... four... several people who will be added at a later date. I assume that the race organizers are presently scouring the state for anyone who's remotely famous. Pretty soon the list will be completed and the last "celebrity" that's added will be that guy on his cell phone behind home plate at the Rockies game who's always on TV. If he turns it down, I'm next in line.

If you're so inclined you can view the full Maggie Ireland, Miss Colorado 2007 gallery.