Things I Missed

By now you’ve realized that I only posted once between June 2nd and December 19th and that was to tell you to piss off so I’m not sure that you were all too enamored with that post and I’m not really proud of it either. The really disappointing part though is that you didn’t get to hear my opinions on the many things that happened in the wonderful world of running during those 6 months. Some of you have suggested in the comments on the last post that I should get down on my knees and beg forgiveness or partake in a little groveling but that’s just not my style. What I will do for you is acknowledge that I know how tough it must have been to go through these things without my guiding wisdom and I’ll even go so far as to admit that I missed being able to smother you with my thoughts on these subjects. What follows is a heartily abridged list of things that I would have totally written about had I still been actively posting.

• The Boston Marathon sold out in 8 hours and then some whackjob from the WSJ generated a bunch of page hits from the running blog community when he wrote an article about how women had it too easy. Incidentally this is the easiest way to get yourself in trouble with a woman. An alternative way to get yourself in trouble with a woman is to ignore them when they start talking over the football game that you were watching when clearly they were in the wrong for interrupting even though it was during a commercial break, but sometimes the commercials are mesmerizing and loud and ... holy crap I think she’s talking to me again I better start paying attent... oh good the game’s back.
• One of my favorite writers, Kristina, FINALLY managed to BQ (it’s about time) so belated congrats to her.
• Viper FINALLY managed to break the 4 hour marathon mark (also about time) so begrudging congrats to him.
• The Denver Half Marathon was .14 miles too long - I missed an opportunity to use my ‘morons’ tag :( so sad.
• Two words: Sperm Shoes! A few more words: Some company intentionally put a little swimmer on the side of their shoes as the logo! It’s like they were begging me to come out of blogging retirement and write about their shoes. Oh what fun I would have had with those babies. *rimshot* Why did none of you take this on and post about it? Note: I did not read any of your blogs while I was on sabbatical so I have no idea if you posted about it but I just always assume that you let me down, it’s what makes me such a great dad.
• Several celebrities were spotted running; that’s more sexy pictures that I missed out on posting.
• I PR’d a half marathon, even after making a casketload of mistakes.
• I missed a lot of runs, I complained about a lot of things and my family had to bear the brunt of it because I had no other outlet. My family begged me to start blogging again, I ignored them even though I was starting to feel the urge to post again. Then I was contacted by an advertiser who wanted to pay me for a link, but only if I was going to start posting again. Ta da! Posting again! It’s such a heartwarming tale.

Don’t Call It a Comeback

I need to write again and you need something to pass the time at work. I promise if you stick around I’ll try not to title too many more posts using LL Cool J lyrics. The obvious exception to that promise will be when I have an interesting breakfast story to share with you, in which case how could I not title it Milky Cereal? Such a classic!

I’ve been pondering a comeback to blogging for a while now but I wasn’t quite sure how to do it? Do I just start posting again as though nothing happened? Kinda’ hard to do that with that huge breakup letter sitting right beneath this post. Do I apologize? That doesn’t sound like me. Do I go for a big splash, making a bigger deal of it than it really is and extend the tired breaking up analogy? Bingo! Bango! Bongo! Also, I think I’d like to start using the phrase ‘bingo, bango, bongo’ more often, kind of like a signature phrase. I have no idea what it means, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t sound cool. If someone could tell me what it means that would be great and it would be even greater if it doesn’t have some hidden sexual meaning so I don’t sound like a complete tool when I say it. I checked Urban Dictionary and it says it means intercourse but I don’t believe that for a second. I bet you could pick any random phrase that you might hear in the break room and Urban Dictionary would say that it was some deviant sexual practice. For instance, “I need someone to give me a teabag?” *looks up teabag* Oh Ian, you blowhard!

What I’m trying to say here is that I want you back. I saw how you moved on to other blogs so quickly after we broke up and I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t hurt. The ink wasn’t even dry on my Closure post and already you were off gallivanting around with other blogs. You didn’t even take a day to mourn. Why do you treat me this way? Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?
Do you really want to hurt me?
Do you really want to make me cryyyyyyy?

/Culture Club’d! Ha! Now we’re even.

Anyway, there’s a lot of stuff to get to. I actually had a PR since the last time I posted! That almost brought me back out of blogging retirement right there, but there’s plenty of time to tell that story and then refer to it again and again and again until you start wishing that I’d just go away again. Welcome back!

Closure

We need to talk. I don’t think this blogger/reader relationship is going to work out. I mean, I do all of the work. You guys do nothing. NOTHING! I’m sorry to be so blunt with you, but I really think we should take a break. As it’s been two and a half months since I last posted I’m going to assume that most of you saw this coming.

I really wanted to contact ESPN and have them put on a one hour special where I talked about the process that I went through to come to this decision, but then I remembered that even I’m not that arrogant.

I’m writing this post because I feel like I owe you all an explanation as to why I’m quitting blogging going on hiatus. First of all, I DON’T owe you an explanation, but you certainly deserve one. I simply haven’t felt like writing lately. It’s a short explanation but it’s all you’re getting. I knew that it was time to call it quits when I was recently offered a free pair of expensive, custom-made running shoes in exchange for a review and I thought to myself “yeah, but that would mean I would have to sit down and write something.” Wait a second... I should have used the time I spent to write this farewell post to write about the free shoes! I can’t believe I missed out on free shoes just because I felt guilted into writing this stupid post for YOU people! You all owe me a free pair of shoes!

In all seriousness, thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on my sarcasm riddled ramblings, I am humbled and flattered that so many of you have enjoyed reading what I have to say. I received a tremendous amount of enjoyment from entertaining you and I want to express my thanks to every single one of you by sending you a $5 gift certificate for the Garmin online store. I can’t afford to express my thanks that way, but I want to. Anyway, I don’t honestly believe that I’ll be able to permanently quit blogging so there’s a pretty good chance that I’ll be back at it again at some point in the future. Whether that means a couple of months or a couple of years is anybody’s guess.

I’ve received several dozen offers (read: one) to do guest posts at other running blogs so I may show up elsewhere from time to time and if I ever make a triumphal return to full time blogging I’ll be sure to announce it here at Half-Fast (in the event that I start a different blog) so go ahead and keep Half-Fast in your reader if you want to find me again. Or you could pay attention to any CNN breaking news updates as my return to the blogiverse is sure to be headline news. Or you could follow me on twitter @IanAHunter. I don’t tweet much because I can’t seem to condense my thoughts to 140 characters. I’m just so complex, you see.

Many, many, many thanks to all of you for reading, I simply cannot express how appreciative I am. (Inability to express oneself is always a winning formula for a blog!)

Oh, one last thing, I promise to put up a post if Candis ever beats me in a footrace, since I know that many of you have just been eagerly awaiting that day.

Ian Hunter (the artist formerly known as Vanilla)

BB10k Race Report

I was successful on Monday in my continuing quest to get slower and slower, posting a time that was slower even than some of my training runs leading up to the Bolder Boulder. Awesome! Candis meanwhile continues to get faster, although not quite fast enough... yet. I ran a 54:39 and Candis posted a 55:56 (a 3 minute PR).

In typical banker/obsessed runner fashion I decided to use an excel spreadsheet to break down our 10k results over the last 5 years. Then I graphed them to see if there were any interesting trends... I really wish I hadn’t.

I wonder what will happen next year at the Bolder Boulder? I’m sure you’ve all got lots of crazy ideas floating around your heads about what might happen at next years race and you’re welcome to put those in the comments if you want, but I’m only going to make you eat your words when I triumph again next year.

The next potential race on our schedule is the Boulder Half Marathon. We’ve never done it before and have heard some good things about it. This past weekend we also heard a couple of bad things about it, so if any of you have run it or have any input to share we’d certainly appreciate it.

Happy Memorial Day!

It was hot at the Bolder Boulder today, some people might refer to that as a "nice day" or "perfect weather" or "beautiful blue skies" but to me it was just hot. Hot and annoying.

Our times were 55:56 and 54:39 or something like that. I'll have a more detailed update tomorrow, but right now we're off to a friends house for some beer, BBQ and then more beer. Have a safe and enjoyable Memorial Day!

Long Overdue Update

Candis and I are running the Bolder Boulder 10k on Memorial Day. The Bolder Boulder organizers saw fit to place us in the ED wave which is incredibly unfortunate and not at all allegorical. My disco stick is just fine thankyouverymuch, I’ll prove it to you right now! Anyway, if you’re running on Monday stop by section 204 after the race and say hello, if you’re lucky I’ll prove it to you in person. I kid, I kid I’m totally aware of what’s socially acceptable when meeting someone for the first time.

Site News
Is it just me or does it feel like this blog is writhing in its death throes? It’s not that I haven’t been running, hell it’s not even that I don’t have any good material. I’ve got a file full of half written posts and ideas that would last me a couple of months. I just don’t feel like writing anymore. Part of that is because I’ve been busier at work lately (the economy won’t flush itself down the drain you know, it takes hard work to make it happen). It used to be that even when I didn’t feel like writing I would sit down and force myself to put a post up for consistency’s sake. And if I couldn’t find time at work to throw a post up then I’d go home and write a post in the evening so that I could throw it up the next morning like a supermodel after a night out at a seafood buffet. That’s a terrible analogy; I don’t think supermodels eat at buffets do they?

But fear not. I’m not quitting the blog. I’ll soldier on, posting when the urge strikes or when my guilt level rises to an intolerable level or when someone offers me free stuff to review. It pains me to see my blog in this run-down, neglected state and part of me just wants to put it out of its misery but I think I’d miss being a part of the online running community too much, even though I’m an admittedly diminutive part of it at this point. Maybe the inspiration will strike again someday and I’ll get back to writing on a regular basis but for now you’re just going to have to put up with erratic posts, long periods of silence and awkward apologies that would make George Michael Bluth uncomfortable.

I realize that it’s unrealistic to expect people to continue to read a blog that only updates once or twice a month. Eventually you’ll lose interest because there’s just not enough material for you to care about. I think that was one of the things that drew me to posting at CRN. I was only responsible for one or two posts a month, but there were a host of other writers that were also putting posts up so the blog didn’t lack consistency. Minimum input, maximum exposure. I’m all about maximum exposure.

Finally, I’ve turned on comment moderation for posts that are more than five days old because apparently my comments section is a great place to advertise pornographic sites.

I’m going to leave again for a few days, but you kids behave while Daddy’s out of town. I’ll try to get a race report up sometime next week... or whenever. Have a great 3 day weekend!

You want the Proof?

You can’t handle the proof! I guess it was so out of the question that I would win an age group award that some of you wanted proof. Well here is a picture of Candis and I posing with our medals. Candis’ medal is attached to a white ribbon (signifying 3rd place) and mine of course has a blue ribbon because it’s a 1st place medal. Never mind that Candis’ medal is for overall female and mine is an age group award, all that matters is one of them is 1st place (ME!) and one of them is 3rd place. Better yet, the inscription on the back of each medal does not list whether it was an age group or overall award so a few years down the road when we’ve long forgotten about this race the medals will tell a different story.

Question for you readers who have more experience with winning medals: Is it customary to eliminate the top 3 overall winners (male and female) from the age group awards? Candis also took 2nd in her age group and was hoping to take two medals home but was disappointed to find out that she wasn’t eligible as the 3rd overall woman.

Also, if that picture isn’t enough proof for you then you can view the Hawk Hustle 5k results online. Have you ever seen a 5k with such a slow winning time? (21:27 for those of you who, like me, are too lazy to follow the link and see for yourselves.)

Finally, I leave you with a completely random non-running related video. Enjoy the weekend everyone!

I’m a WINNER!

Guess which idiot blogger with a penchant for (unnecessary) parentheses and the Caps Lock key just won his age group at a local 5k this weekend? (((THIS GUY!!)))

That’s right folks, I am the proud new owner of a 1st Place medal in the Male 30 - 39 division. Moreover, Candis is the proud new owner of a 3rd Place medal in the Overall Female category. Yes, it was a small race, why do you ask?

Now that I’ve ruined the ending of this story, let me back up and start at the beginning. Late last week we discovered that Horizon High School was hosting the Hawk Hustle 5k to benefit their athletics department and we decided to support them and signed up at the last minute. One of the main selling points of this race was the fact that the high school is located no more than a quarter mile from our house and the race was being run on the paths that Candis and I run on regularly. With the race being so close we were able to sleep in until 8 o’clock on Saturday morning. I think that’s the latest I’ve ever been able to get up on a race morning. Candis went over to the school and brought back our bibs while I brewed us some coffee and took care of my other morning business.

As the Chik-fil-A cow fumbled with the starter’s pistol everyone seemed to shy away from being at the front of the starting crowd so I stepped up and toed the line. The cow finally figured out a way to fire the pistol without breaking character and we were off. I was feeling good and actually ran with the lead pack for about a half a mile, then I looked at my Garmin and noticed that we were at a 6:50 pace and I had to slow down. I ended up finishing 12th out of 103 people and of course, 1st in my age group. And before you ask, no I wasn’t the only person in my age group, there were 8 other guys racing in the 30 - 39 division. Candis finished about a minute and a half behind me as the 3rd overall woman and was 2nd in her age group.

My time was 26:03 which is a lot slower than I would have liked even taking into account that the course was actually 3.25 miles. Normally I’d be disappointed with a time like that since it seems to confirm that I’ve hit a plateau if not a downward trend, but I’m still beaming from finally winning an age group award. It was all that I hoped it would be! What can I say, sometimes the triumphs come when you least expect them.

Alright, fess up! Which one of you is this?

No question in my mind that this is one of my readers so which one of you wants to cop to it.



I have to give props to the people on either side of her for not even giving her a quizzical look. I don’t think a sharp backhand would have been out of order given the circumstances. I mean, I didn’t go to law school or anything but I did take one Intro to Business Law class in college and I’m pretty sure that you can’t be charged with assault if someone’s acting that stupid. They’re basically asking for it.

Also, a quick pointer for all three of those people in the video; you guys know that those things go faster than that, right? Mmmkay, just checking.

Oh, and sorry about that song playing in the background of the video. You should have muted your speakers if you didn’t want that stuck in your head all day, and I should have mentioned this in the paragraph above the video but if I have to suffer, you do too.

Product Review: Belkin Sports Armband for iPhone

I know what you’re thinking: “How does a guy who is only averaging six posts a month keep getting free stuff to review?” It’s quite simple really. I may not write a lot but I write good. It’s about quality over quantity. No? Not buying it? Yeah, me either but I really don’t have any other explanation as to why I continue to get free stuff. You don’t question the gravy train, you just keep riding it until you’re plump with so many free products and shoes and assorted schwag that you begin to sweat them from your very pores.

A number of weeks ago I was contacted by a wonderful individual named Natalie who was offering to send me the Belkin DualFit Sports Armband (for iPhone). I could immediately tell from the e-mail that Natalie was a wonderful person when she said that she wanted to give me a product to review. That’s pretty much all it takes for me to think that you’re a wonderful person, which explains why I think so little of so many of you dear readers. Anyway, Natalie sent me the Armband and I tested it out.

Here are my findings:
It works! It holds my iPhone securely on my arm, but not so securely as to be uncomfortable. The plastic screen allows me to use my iPhone without taking the phone out of the Armband, this is important for those times I want to skip a song in my playlist or catch up on some e-mail correspondence during my runs. It even has a hole in the bottom of the armband so that I can charge or sync the phone without taking it out of the armband. I have no idea why I’d want to do that, but it’s good to know that I can. The only downside to the Belkin DualFit Sports Armband that I could find was that it was such a tight fit that I had to take my iPhone out of its protective case to put it in the armband. What if I drop it in between the case and the armband? I would be doomed! Other than that though, the armband was great and I suppose it has to be a tight fit so that the iPhone doesn’t slip out easily while you’re running. In conclusion, (cheesy endorsement coming...) I suggest that you all head on over to MobileFun for all of your iPhone accessories and for whatever else they sell there, I’m sure it’s all good.

Be sure to click on the links in this post so that wonderful Natalie thinks that giving me a free Belkin Armband was worth it, because if she doesn’t then I won’t keep getting free stuff to review and then how will I make you all jealous of me if I don’t have free stuff to review? Answer: With my dashing good looks and devilish charm, that’s how... but I’d still like the free stuff to go along with it.