Plus ça Change

The days gave way to weeks, weeks drew out into months, the months became years but even the years were not as long as this analogy. It’s been a while since my last post. It will be two years on October 2nd and that post was pointing you to a new parenting blog collaboration that I abandoned faster than a carefully constructed race plan.

I don’t expect that anyone still checks this space for updates and I’m guessing that my RSS readership died with Google Reader. I’m OK with that. I’m not really expecting that anyone will read this, let alone comment. I’m actually not really sure why I’m writing this at all except that I felt drawn back to this space. I don’t know if this is a lone post out of the blue or if it is the beginning of me writing again, though I suspect it’s closer to the former than the latter. I’ve given up on this blog and returned to it more often than an addict that can’t escape the allure of the high and yet can’t quite achieve the discipline to quit.

Not much has changed since my last post; I’m still running, I’m still just as slow as you remember. I’m still happily married to Candis, and I still have two kids that have managed to grow up more than it feels like they should have in the past two years. I’m still on the good side of 40 but the countdown has switched to months, not years. I even still get offered free shoes every now and then.

Plus c'est la même chose.

A New Blog

This is just a quick post to let everyone who’s still reading know that I’ve been invited to join a new parenting blog called Bottle Fed Parents. I’ll still be posting about running here on Half-Fast, in fact I’m currently working on a post about how horrible teenagers are which might seem like it would belong on a parenting blog but it’s not about my kids it’s about teenagers that I encountered while running so it’s running blog material.

I’ve also been roped in to a 5k by some coworkers so I’ll probably have an update about that sometime after the race is over. Office bragging rights are on the line.

That’s all for a later date though, the purpose of this post is to point you to Bottle Fed Parents where I’ll be joining Nitmos, Razz, and X-Country2 in cautionary tales of parenting.

In Training

Training for my November half marathon is going about as well as can be expected. I’m up to 10 miles now on my long runs now and I seem to be completing them a little faster than I had expected. The key here is to have really low expectations. Aim low and you’ll never be disappointed, that’s what I always say. There’s still 7 weeks to go which is plenty of time for me to build up my long run to 12 miles. I find that I race best at this distance if I can get in a few 12 mile training runs prior to the race. I smell a new PR in the works and you know what that means? It means at least one more post this year so that I can beat my chest and brag about being just a little bit more towards the front of the middle of the pack than I was before. (That sentence made sense in my head.) I’ve already had one new PR this year if I had 2 I’d be just about impossible to live with.

Since I’m not posting all that frequently here, I’ll leave you with a new running blog suggestion: Vomit Colored Shoes. He writes with the same sense of humor that I try for here and he pulls it off better than I do. No, no you’re right, nobody does it better than I do but he definitely does it more frequently. He’s still in that cute, post-every-day stage that new bloggers go through so head on over there and leave him some comments. It sounds like he’s a fairly new runner too so you should feel free to give him lots and lots of unsolicited advice, just be sure to mix in some really bad advice every once and a while to keep him on his toes.

Failing to Plan

I feel like I’ve been running long enough that I can go out and run several times a week without needing a specific training plan. In the past I’ve used any number of online training plans to lead me right up to my target race date and some of them have worked great and some of them have failed miserably. (It’s always the race plan that fails, never the runner). My point being that I don’t feel like I need some printout to tell me the type or distance of my run today. I can figure out on my own whether I should be doing intervals or a tempo run or cross training or how quickly I can increase my mileage etc.

I feel like I know myself well enough to determine the best training plan for my upcoming races. I feel like I know myself better than Hal Higdon or Yasso or any of these other running gods that put together training plans but I also feel like this is the kind of pride that goes before a fall so we shall see what becomes of me in November. All this to say that I’m winging it for my fall half marathon, it’s the Half-Fast way.

I’m Not Back
Viper asked on my last post if I was ‘back’ and then before I could respond (hint: I was never going to respond) Randy congratulated me on being ‘back.’ Let me just clarify that I’m not ‘back’ per se, I’m just enjoying writing again. I quit writing here because it became a chore. I felt that in order for this to be a successful blog I needed to post x number of times a week and that drained the joy from it like a freshly unclogged toilet. By saying that I’m not ‘back’ I can feel free to write when I want to and fill the blog up with crap at my leisure, always a more pleasurable activity.

Wham, Bam, Thank you Spam!

I get a lot of spam comments on this blog.  Very few of those comments ever see the light of day thanks to Blogger’s spam detection software and comment moderation on older posts.  Those comments that do get through are sent to my e-mail and I quickly delete anything that looks like spam or has Nitmos listed as the author.  Since I have a smartphone I can even do this on the go. These draconian measures are über-effective but sometimes I lament that you don’t get to enjoy all of the spam because the spam is very often entertaining in its own right.  Sometimes they even provide me hours of fun as I try to unravel exactly what was meant by the spam comment.  Obviously the bulk of these spam comments are written in another language and then translated into English, which means they’re probably written by foreigners and that’s unfortunate because it just reinforces my belief that foreigners are not to be trusted.

Spam comments are kind of like that episode of Friends where Joey learns to use a thesaurus.  In the episode he writes a letter changing every word to bigger word with the help of the thesaurus until it doesn’t make any sense, which I guess means he didn’t really learn to use a thesaurus after all, but you get my point.  Joey is trying to explain that his friends have big hearts and he ends up writing that they have ‘full-sized aortic pumps’ which sounds like something Mrs. Bigfoot wears with her little black dress.  (You might have to think about that one.)

Anyway, if you get spam all day, every day like I do here’s a fun little game you can play; try to reverse-engineer the sentence to figure out what the comment originally said before it was run over by a thesaurus or online translator.  If you don’t get any spam then you can play along with the comment below that I received, but before you do I’d like to point out that you’re obviously not as important as I am since you’re not inundated with spam like I am.  I assure you that I did not make up or edit the following comment in any way.  Note: underlined words are the ones that need to be changed.   

I unceasingly dig reading dignity articles by an singular who is simply up to snuff on their chosen subject. I’ll be watching this string with much interest. Conserve up the spacious produce, dream of you next occasionally Singapore escort [link redacted].

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

I always like reading important articles by an individual who is clearly knowledgeable in their field.  I’ll be watching this thread with much interest.  Keep up the great work, imagine yourself alongside a rare Singapore whore. 

OK, I’ll admit that the whore substitution at the end was just for fun,* but that has to be close to what they were going for, right?  I still can’t quite get the last half of that final sentence, but the highlight of it for me is ‘conserve up the spacious produce’ because I can totally picture someone trying to make ‘keep up the great work’ sound smarter and coming up with that phrase.  I think that ‘conserve up the spacious produce’ just jumped up to number two on my list of favorite phrases, right behind bingo bango bongo.

* If I had a nickel for every time I’ve uttered the phrase “the whore substitution at the end was just for fun” then I’d have $22 right now, but only because I have $21.90 in my pocket already. 

Don’t Call It a Comeback

I need to write again and you need something to pass the time at work. I promise if you stick around I’ll try not to title too many more posts using LL Cool J lyrics. The obvious exception to that promise will be when I have an interesting breakfast story to share with you, in which case how could I not title it Milky Cereal? Such a classic!

I’ve been pondering a comeback to blogging for a while now but I wasn’t quite sure how to do it? Do I just start posting again as though nothing happened? Kinda’ hard to do that with that huge breakup letter sitting right beneath this post. Do I apologize? That doesn’t sound like me. Do I go for a big splash, making a bigger deal of it than it really is and extend the tired breaking up analogy? Bingo! Bango! Bongo! Also, I think I’d like to start using the phrase ‘bingo, bango, bongo’ more often, kind of like a signature phrase. I have no idea what it means, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t sound cool. If someone could tell me what it means that would be great and it would be even greater if it doesn’t have some hidden sexual meaning so I don’t sound like a complete tool when I say it. I checked Urban Dictionary and it says it means intercourse but I don’t believe that for a second. I bet you could pick any random phrase that you might hear in the break room and Urban Dictionary would say that it was some deviant sexual practice. For instance, “I need someone to give me a teabag?” *looks up teabag* Oh Ian, you blowhard!

What I’m trying to say here is that I want you back. I saw how you moved on to other blogs so quickly after we broke up and I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t hurt. The ink wasn’t even dry on my Closure post and already you were off gallivanting around with other blogs. You didn’t even take a day to mourn. Why do you treat me this way? Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?
Do you really want to hurt me?
Do you really want to make me cryyyyyyy?

/Culture Club’d! Ha! Now we’re even.

Anyway, there’s a lot of stuff to get to. I actually had a PR since the last time I posted! That almost brought me back out of blogging retirement right there, but there’s plenty of time to tell that story and then refer to it again and again and again until you start wishing that I’d just go away again. Welcome back!

Closure

We need to talk. I don’t think this blogger/reader relationship is going to work out. I mean, I do all of the work. You guys do nothing. NOTHING! I’m sorry to be so blunt with you, but I really think we should take a break. As it’s been two and a half months since I last posted I’m going to assume that most of you saw this coming.

I really wanted to contact ESPN and have them put on a one hour special where I talked about the process that I went through to come to this decision, but then I remembered that even I’m not that arrogant.

I’m writing this post because I feel like I owe you all an explanation as to why I’m quitting blogging going on hiatus. First of all, I DON’T owe you an explanation, but you certainly deserve one. I simply haven’t felt like writing lately. It’s a short explanation but it’s all you’re getting. I knew that it was time to call it quits when I was recently offered a free pair of expensive, custom-made running shoes in exchange for a review and I thought to myself “yeah, but that would mean I would have to sit down and write something.” Wait a second... I should have used the time I spent to write this farewell post to write about the free shoes! I can’t believe I missed out on free shoes just because I felt guilted into writing this stupid post for YOU people! You all owe me a free pair of shoes!

In all seriousness, thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on my sarcasm riddled ramblings, I am humbled and flattered that so many of you have enjoyed reading what I have to say. I received a tremendous amount of enjoyment from entertaining you and I want to express my thanks to every single one of you by sending you a $5 gift certificate for the Garmin online store. I can’t afford to express my thanks that way, but I want to. Anyway, I don’t honestly believe that I’ll be able to permanently quit blogging so there’s a pretty good chance that I’ll be back at it again at some point in the future. Whether that means a couple of months or a couple of years is anybody’s guess.

I’ve received several dozen offers (read: one) to do guest posts at other running blogs so I may show up elsewhere from time to time and if I ever make a triumphal return to full time blogging I’ll be sure to announce it here at Half-Fast (in the event that I start a different blog) so go ahead and keep Half-Fast in your reader if you want to find me again. Or you could pay attention to any CNN breaking news updates as my return to the blogiverse is sure to be headline news. Or you could follow me on twitter @IanAHunter. I don’t tweet much because I can’t seem to condense my thoughts to 140 characters. I’m just so complex, you see.

Many, many, many thanks to all of you for reading, I simply cannot express how appreciative I am. (Inability to express oneself is always a winning formula for a blog!)

Oh, one last thing, I promise to put up a post if Candis ever beats me in a footrace, since I know that many of you have just been eagerly awaiting that day.

Ian Hunter (the artist formerly known as Vanilla)

Long Overdue Update

Candis and I are running the Bolder Boulder 10k on Memorial Day. The Bolder Boulder organizers saw fit to place us in the ED wave which is incredibly unfortunate and not at all allegorical. My disco stick is just fine thankyouverymuch, I’ll prove it to you right now! Anyway, if you’re running on Monday stop by section 204 after the race and say hello, if you’re lucky I’ll prove it to you in person. I kid, I kid I’m totally aware of what’s socially acceptable when meeting someone for the first time.

Site News
Is it just me or does it feel like this blog is writhing in its death throes? It’s not that I haven’t been running, hell it’s not even that I don’t have any good material. I’ve got a file full of half written posts and ideas that would last me a couple of months. I just don’t feel like writing anymore. Part of that is because I’ve been busier at work lately (the economy won’t flush itself down the drain you know, it takes hard work to make it happen). It used to be that even when I didn’t feel like writing I would sit down and force myself to put a post up for consistency’s sake. And if I couldn’t find time at work to throw a post up then I’d go home and write a post in the evening so that I could throw it up the next morning like a supermodel after a night out at a seafood buffet. That’s a terrible analogy; I don’t think supermodels eat at buffets do they?

But fear not. I’m not quitting the blog. I’ll soldier on, posting when the urge strikes or when my guilt level rises to an intolerable level or when someone offers me free stuff to review. It pains me to see my blog in this run-down, neglected state and part of me just wants to put it out of its misery but I think I’d miss being a part of the online running community too much, even though I’m an admittedly diminutive part of it at this point. Maybe the inspiration will strike again someday and I’ll get back to writing on a regular basis but for now you’re just going to have to put up with erratic posts, long periods of silence and awkward apologies that would make George Michael Bluth uncomfortable.

I realize that it’s unrealistic to expect people to continue to read a blog that only updates once or twice a month. Eventually you’ll lose interest because there’s just not enough material for you to care about. I think that was one of the things that drew me to posting at CRN. I was only responsible for one or two posts a month, but there were a host of other writers that were also putting posts up so the blog didn’t lack consistency. Minimum input, maximum exposure. I’m all about maximum exposure.

Finally, I’ve turned on comment moderation for posts that are more than five days old because apparently my comments section is a great place to advertise pornographic sites.

I’m going to leave again for a few days, but you kids behave while Daddy’s out of town. I’ll try to get a race report up sometime next week... or whenever. Have a great 3 day weekend!

Where Have I Been?

You have probably been asking yourself that question and it’s one that I hope to answer with this post. You may also be worrying that I’ve stopped blogging but hopefully this post today is enough to allay those fears.

Q. Where have I been?
A. I have not been posting.

I hope this clears everything up.

Vanilla Has Left the Building

When I first started this blog I was bound and determined to remain anonymous, and I debated long and hard trying to find a nickname that would conjure up the idea that I was just an average, ordinary guy (of course, the truth is that I’m an extraordinary individual and well above average in every way but I didn’t want to seem too imposing to my average readers). I considered Average Joe, but it was too mundane, and somehow I ended up going back and forth between calling myself Plain Vanilla and Joe Vanilla which I realize now were both awful. Finally I decided to keep it simple and just go with Vanilla. Surely everyone would recognize that I was shooting for a plain, boring, average descriptor and not a washed up, over-exposed rapper, right? Right?

Anyway, about a month and a half and a couple of subscribers into writing the blog I posted a picture of my race bib and a link to the race website and that was pretty much the end of my anonymity. Not that people were rushing to discover who the genius was behind this rocking new Half-Fast running blog, but I knew from that point on that I wasn’t really anonymous any more. A couple of weeks later I even posted race pictures and kicked anonymity to the curb, but still went by the name Vanilla.

The reasons for using my real name have been mounting for quite some time. My wife, Candis, posts here and she uses her real name and refers to me by mine. Try as I might I can’t get her to call me Vanilla around the house. I used my real name when I was posting for Complete Running, I’m involved with a podcast (new episode coming soon) and it would seem absurd to go by Vanilla on the podcast. Finally, I suspect that many of you have acted on your stalker tendencies and looked up my real name. It feeds my ego to think that I’m cool enough for you to waste your time trying to learn more about me.

Despite all the mounting reasons to discard the name, I continued to go by Vanilla because there seemed to be some humor in it. I even managed to get a whole post out of it (and now I’ve gotten two out of it), then there was the whole Gorilla Ice thing which wouldn’t have worked as well if I wasn’t known as Vanilla.

It all ends today. Hello, my name is Ian Hunter, it’s a pleasure to meet you. If you want to know more about me then be sure to check out my Wiki page.

Update from thrīv: Someone from thrīv left a comment on my last post and they were pretty cool about the fact that I was mocking their name. Leaving me a smartass comment gets you another mention and another link. According to the comment they left, they’re giving away more shirts on their website, check it out:

Thanks for taking the shirt out for a run, and providing great feedback on the brand name and look of the shirt. Have you seen the other styles in the fall line? They look more "tech" than the basic shirt we sent you.

Thank you also to the others that left comments--rest assured, we are listening. For those that are jealous of Half-Fast's free shirt, we are giving away more shirts, details are on our website.

Best of luck in your training endeavors.

And yes, we referenced Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" while writting this comment. K?

Go check out their site for a free shirt and be sure to let them know that there’s only one t in writing. Maybe Strunk & White didn’t cover spelling.

500th Post!

Guess what? This is my 500th post and I’m not going to do anything special for it. Whenever I come up on a milestone post, all I can think of is what Jess said on her 1000th post: “Wow, what a colossal waste of time.” (Or maybe it was her husband that said it?)

Five hundred posts with nary an ounce of insight or wisdom. I thought about putting together a list of my favorite posts but hey, newsflash: I’m lazy. Besides if you wanted to read my favorite posts then you’d just click on the Best of Half-Fast tab above, or that link I just provided. Anyway, you’re welcome to congratulate me on my 500 posts in the comments and remind me how awesome and cool and boss and hip I am because my tender ego could use a boost.

Enough about me, Candis is doing another sprint triathlon tonight because she evidently lacks the focus and drive to concentrate on one sport at a time. I’ll be there to take pictures and remind her constantly about how she forgot to put on her bib last time. I probably won’t be at all obnoxious.

Marcy, Marcy, Marcy!
Normally I wouldn’t clutter my epic 500th post with news about someone other than me, but I’ll make an exception for Marcy, she deserves it. Marcy is going into blog retirement, and not only that she’s wiping out her blog completely so you won’t even be able to go back and enjoy the archives. Here’s what I remember most about Marcy: When I was writing the Weekend Splits on a regular basis I would often try to link small running blogs that were new and unique and worth reading so that all my readers could have one more timesuck during their workday. Every time I found one that I thought was brand new, that no one else knew about I’d inevitably go into the comments to say hello and there would be a comment from Marcy asking them how their race went or how their sick turtle was doing. She was ubiquitous and it seemed like she genuinely took an interest in everyone. So fare thee well Marcy! You sure do get around! :p lol.

For Those About To Rock...

For those of you who are going to be in Phoenix this weekend running the Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon or Half Marathon, I suggest you wear sunglasses. Not because it’s going to be sunny, although I hear that is occasionally the case in Arizona, but because I have decided that I will be taking this opportunity to debut my fluorescent, neon, day-glo yellow race shirt. (You might be thinking that all those adjectives were superfluous but you won’t when you see the shirt.) So if you see something that looks like a blinding beacon of light lumbering down the road or passed out somewhere on the course, pull your sunglasses on and yell something encouraging to me. I also plan on hanging out for a while after the race in the family reunion area, chances are I’ll be standing sitting lying on the ground somewhere with Candis and her family close by, so please wander over and say hello. Candis and her family will thank you as I’m sure they don’t want to listen to me go on and on about how awesome I am for running a marathon.

Those of you who are not coming to Phoenix to support me can follow along and track my progress on the PF Chang’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Arizona Marathon website (http://www.rnraz.com/). I’ll be wearing bib number 3780 unless it looks like that bib is not doing so well in which case that was just a typo, that’s not me. You may also be able to track my progress right here at Half-Fast as I’m contemplating live blogging the marathon, or more specifically having Candis live blog the marathon for me. Since my mp3 player is also my phone I will be updating Candis periodically on how I’m feeling or what restaurant I’ve stopped at for lunch and Candis will in turn be updating the blog and filtering any of your comments back to me, emphasis on filtering. I’m not completely sure if it will work or if we’ll actually do this, but it is under consideration. If there are no updates then I might have decided not to live blog the marathon, or maybe there were some technical difficulties like I ‘technically’ decided that a marathon would be too ‘difficult’ and just stayed in bed, this is also under consideration.

There is an eager anticipation that I’ve been feeling about the marathon in the past few days. I’m not real sure how to explain it other than to say that whenever I think about the marathon I get butterflies in my stomach, but not the bad kind. I imagine that perhaps this is how General Custer was feeling prior to the Battle of the Little Bighorn.

I look forward to meeting those of you who will be there, shoot me an e-mail and we can figure out a good place to drink beer together after the finish... or before the start.

And to Think That I Saw It on My Long Run

When I leave for my long run my wife always tells me,
“Honey, keep your eyelids up and see what you can see.”
But when I return all agog, with a great post for my blog,
She sternly tells me, “Your eyesight’s too keen, like a wary guard dog.”
“Stop telling such outlandish tales. Stop turning minnows into whales.”

Now what can I blog about when I get home today?
All the way to the lake and all the way back,
I’ve looked and I’ve looked and I’ve kept careful track.
But all that I’ve noticed, while running ahead,
Was a woman with a bottle balanced high on her head.

That’s nothing to tell of, that’s far too dull,
Just a woman with a water bottle perched on her skull.

That can’t be my blog post, that’ll never do,
Instead of just one bottle, I’ll say it was two!
And that is a blog post that can’t be outdone,
When I say that it happened on my long, slow run.

Yes two bottles is fine, but it’s still kinda’ mellow,
She’ll be joggling instead, with seven balls that are yellow.
And the story would really be easier to embrace,
If we were joggling together at a blistering pace.
Yes, two speedy jogglers is nothing to shun,
When I say that it happened on my long, slow run.

But a spectacle like this deserves a large crowd,
I’ll add some more runners and fans that are loud,
A cyclist to salute us as he passes us by,
But not any old cyclist, it’s that Lance Armstrong guy,
And who is that swimming out in the lake?
It’s Mike Phelps himself, creating a wake.

The crowds push and they elbow to see all the drama,
VIPs have shown up, including McCain and Obama!
“You should be President,” they cheered from the side,
And that thought alone made me want to go hide.

Now that is a story that’s second to none,
When I say that I saw it on my long, slow run.

But now I don’t know, it doesn’t seem right,
We’d pass the crowd in a blur and be fast out of sight.
They’ll need a jumbotron screen with ultra slow-mo,
That stands 4 stories high and gives a good show.
Watch nationwide coverage on NBC,
But not until primetime so more people can see.

Yes, that makes a story that’s really not bad!

But it still could be better.

Suppose that I add...

... the Goodyear blimp circling the skies,
A bicycle chase team with plenty of supplies,
A police escort in front to make the path clear,
A truck with our times displayed on the rear,
A pace team to guide us around every bend...
No time for more, we’re close to the end.

I swung ‘round the corner and dashed through the gate,
I ran up the steps and I felt simply GREAT!

FOR I HAD A BLOG POST THAT COULDN’T BE OUTDONE!

AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT ON MY LONG, SLOW RUN!

But my wife said quite calmly, when I returned from my jogging,

“Now what did you see? Was there anything worth blogging?”

Oh, where to begin? I HAD SO MUCH TO SHARE!

But my wife looked at me sharply with a skeptical glare.

She raised up an eyebrow and quietly said,
“Was there nothing to look at... no tales you can spread?
Is there no story to be woven, not even a thread?”

“Nothing,” I said, my face turning beet red,
“But a woman with a bottle perched high on her head.”


With apologies to Dr. Seuss.

Site News

I’ve added a new feature to Half-Fast and I wanted to draw your attention to it instead of letting you fumble through the site and find it by yourselves. Sometimes you guys can be so slow. Anyway now that I’ve insulted you, let me tell you about the new feature and why I need your help. Hopefully you should see a little green icon at the bottom of all of my posts and the words ‘ShareThis.’ I’m not quite sure what it does, but I see it all over the place and thought I needed one. The ShareThis website assured me that “you’re allowing your army of users to spread your content all over the web,” and also that “you’ll satisfy her for hours with your enormous trouser monster.” Actually I might be mixing that last one up with an e-mail I received. Let’s hope that the ShareThis website is more truthful than those lying emails eh?

The idea here is to make me Half-Fast more popular. Whenever you see something you like, share it. It’s that simple. What’s in it for you? Well, when Half-Fast gets to be a huge internet conglomerate with thousands of comments on each post you can tell everyone that you were a reader before it was popular to be a reader. You’ll be like one of those annoying people who like to tell everyone that they knew about Dave Matthews Band before DMB became famous. Plus, whenever a new commenter comes along and asks a stupid question you can totally roll your eyes and exclaim “rookie,” or “noob!” Sounds like fun, right?

To steal a quote right off the banner image at Hollywood Flakes, “You read my blog. You like it. You tell your friends. They tell theirs. I get famous. I get rich. I give you a million bucks.”

If you were hoping for something running related in today’s post, then you can read my post over at CRN which is about chip timed races. It also has a ShareThis button at the end.

The Complete Running Network

This is all that you’re going to get for a post from me today because I have a new post up over at CRN. Most of you are probably familiar with the Complete Running Network as the largest single collection of running blogs on the planet earth. I’ll be posting over at CRN once or twice a month and on those days I probably won’t write a real post here at Half-Fast because two new posts from Vanilla in one day would be more than you could handle. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing - Yeah, I don’t really understand the logic of that expression either but if I can use it to get out of writing another post then that’s good enough for me.

Head on over to CRN and check out my post about superstitions but before you go allow me to make the following public service announcement from CRN:

Most people around here know about the Running Blog Family Directory (RBF) - the web's most ginormous list of running blogs.

Until yesterday, the RBF was a one trick pony - it was just a big ol' list.

Well, the RBF just went through a huge upgrade. It's now search-able in a big, big way. You can now search for blogs by:

• Location (city/town/province/state/country)
• Gender
• Favorite Distance to Race
• Ability
• Tags/Key Words

And, much more!

But, we need your help to realize the RBFs full potential. Why? Because, right now, we have over 1600 links in the RBF that don't contain things like:

• Location (city/town/province/state/country)
• Gender
• Favorite Distance to Race
• Ability
• Tags/Key Words

So we're asking every blogger (you!) to submit a new listing for their blog. Don't worry about the old duplicate - we'll remove that.

By signing up again, you'll make it easier for people to find you. That's when the RBF will really rock!

So get on the RBF train and sign up (again!) today!

You Won’t Find It Here

A few months ago I posted some of the interesting Google searches that led people to Half-Fast (Finding Half-Fast). There were some very strange and bizarre searches to be sure and due to morbid curiosity I have continued to track what search terms are bringing people in to my blog. I’m afraid to report that it is even worse than the last time I did this. Over the last few months the phrases below have led people here but I seriously doubt that they found what they were looking for.

The below list has NOT been edited for spelling, grammar or sheer alarmingness - what? It’s a word, if it’s not it should be. (My commentary in parentheses.)

• treadmill placement
• stretch my balls (Excuse me?)
• why do my balls ache (See above.)
• how to stop urself from peeing your pants
• pictures of me peeing my pants
• women who has to pee bad
• i pee myself wet pants
• "pee on me" shirt (???)
• squat pee marathon running (Do I really post about peeing that much?)
• I've got the poison, I've got the lemonade (Note to self: Don’t drink the lemonade.)
• do guys like matthew mcconaughey (What’s not to like. He’s dreamy.)
• what to write to a girl for the first time (Nothing from this list.)
• "write like a girl"
• how to sound like a girl (This is troubling in so many different ways.)
• tear away underwear (Rrrawr!)
• longest flaccid penis (Why yes, yes it is thankyouverymuch.)
• jessica simpson stems
• SLIPPERY LIFE WET JACKETS (Sounds fun.)
• katie holmes no underwear (Also sounds fun.)
• slutty wife half bra (Sounds offensive.)
• running dog treadmill pooping (crazy weirdo searching disturbed)
• hairy runner
• world's longest human tongues
• elite runners blogs (Bwaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha!)
• john wayne bobbit blogspot
• just f@%&ing give me an elevation map (Frustrated much? – Note, I did edit this one.)
• running inspiration

That last one really cracks me up. Inspiration, really? Inspiration is like a shooting star - you won’t find either one here at Half-Fast. Have a great Friday everyone, I can’t believe that it’s already the weekend. These 3 day work weeks are really kicking my butt.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Here we are only three days and two posts into 2008 and I’m going to take a break from writing about running to tell you about a new blog that I have started. Of late I have been writing down some stories about my two boys so that I don’t forget them, the stories not the boys. I want to be sure to have some good material to use at their weddings.

In order to demonstrate why I love my boys and to really capture how I feel about them the site is named Daddy’s Little Tax Credits. I realize that the target demographic for this site is slightly different, and there are many of you here who probably don’t care to read about all the crazy things that my kids do, but I wanted to mention it anyway.

Don’t worry, it will not take time away from my posting here at Half-Fast. My goal is to post something once a week or maybe once every couple of weeks over at Daddy’s Little Tax Credits. I was originally going to keep the site for my family only, but some of the stories needed to be shared with the world. That’s one of the things you get to do as a parent - embarrass your kids.

If you have kids I think you’ll be able to relate, if you don’t it will serve as a deterrent, and if you’re pregnant it will probably make you cry a lot. Head on over and check it out. Daddy’s Little Tax Credits.

By the way, this is the 200th post at Half-Fast. It passes with a lot less fanfare than the 100th post did.

Half-Fast Has Moved!

Half-Fast has moved to a new URL! My new web address is www.half-fast.org which you can hopefully see in the address bar above. It’s exciting news to say the least and I’m betting that you’ve got a ton of questions which I why I’ve created the following NSFAQ (that’s Not So Frequently Asked Questions).

Q. What will happen to the old half-fast.blogspot.com address?
A. It will still work for now. It will forward you to the new www.half-fast.org address until I stop using blogger and switch to a different blog hosting service.

Q. Should I update my links to reflect this new URL?
A. Yes, do it. Do it now.

Q. What if I don’t currently link to Half-Fast?
A. What if I take my boot and shove it up your keister? Go and remedy the error of your ways immediately, and then seek forgiveness while there is still time.

Q. Why did you pick www.half-fast.org?
A. Several reasons, half-fast.com would have been my first choice but that was taken and the joker that runs that lame site wouldn’t respond to any of my e-mails despite the fact that I offered him a very nice half marathon medal, a vanilla Clif Shot and an 8 oz beer to part with his domain name. Whatever. Thanks a lot, jerk! I bet no one even visits his website anyway. My second choice would have been halffast.com (no hyphen) and that one is actually available... for the bargain price of $2,088. Unfortunately that’s roughly $2,078 more than I was willing to spend, but if you are a wealthy, philanthropic runner who was looking for the perfect gift to give Vanilla over the holiday season I can’t think of anything better.

Q. What would you be willing to do in exchange for the halffast.com domain name?
A. Pretty much anything. I’ll link to your site, I’ll write a glowing race report for you that you can post as your own, I’ll write about your favorite charity, I’ll write your life biography that details how you were single-handedly responsible for ending the cold war, curing Alzheimer’s, and patching the hole in the ozone. Heck, I’ll even give you one of my children.

Q. Will Santa be able to find you at this new address?
A. If he knows what’s good for him he will.

Q. Will this be a seamless transition to the new URL?
A. No, absolutely not. Knowing blogger there will indubitably be some problems. Please, please, please let me know if you experience any problems like pictures not showing up, links not working, or a strange burning sensation when you pee. (I hate that!) Also, for those of you who read Half-Fast in a reader or via the feed let me know if there are any problems with that.

Q. Have you seen my glasses?
A. You took them off to read the directions on that Tylenol bottle and left them next to the medicine cabinet.

Q. Does the new official looking URL mean that we can expect more or better quality posts?
A. No. Are you even paying attention to what you’re reading? I’m in the middle of a NSFAQ post for crying out loud.

Q. Have you seen Val Kilmer’s shoes lately?
A. No, and neither has he! (Ba Boom Cha!)

Q. Are you now too big to reply to my e-mails?
A. Yes I am, but one of the downsides of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume that you’re pretentious. In order to avoid that perception I will still respond to all your e-mails.

Q. Is there any truth to the rumor that your name was mentioned yesterday in the Mitchell Report?
A. No comment.

Q. Is it true that you have not run at all this week since deciding to quit the Rudolph’s Revenge 10K?
A. Whoa! Look at that, we’re all out of time here folks. If you have any other allegations questions please feel free to e-mail them to me and I’ll be happy to dodge, deflect, and deny with the poise and indignation of a cheater baseball player.

Why Vanilla?

In the comments section of my 100th post, Marcy asked the question posed in the title. Why did I choose the name Vanilla as the name to post and comment under? The answer is really quite simple, that's my real name. Not my first name, it's my last name: Pete Van Illa. No? Not buying it? Ok, how about this:

My real name is Vernon Angus Neilson (V.A.N.) and I have always thought that I was a pretty illin' dude, to use the 80's street slang. Hence VAN-illa. Ok that was worse than the first one.


Here's the truth. I began using Vanilla as a username a while back on various message board forums. I picked the name to keep my true superhero identity secret. (So much for the truth.) I've always maintained that I'm a plain vanilla kind of guy, what I mean by that is that I'm pretty boring and incredibly average. 1 wife, 2 kids, 1 dog living in a moderate house in suburbia (mine is the beige one), working in an office, driving an SUV, blah blah blah. It came down to Vanilla or some variation of Average Joe and the more I thought about it the more Vanilla made sense. I really do prefer vanilla to any other flavor of ice cream, I order vanilla latte's, vanilla milkshakes, and vanilla frappuccinos. And if it makes you think that I'm like Vanilla Ice, who is quite obviously the coolest person on the face of the planet, well then that's even better for me.

Check out this video and tell me you don't wish you could be that cool. He's the epitome of cool.


Laugh all you want but you know you wanted to get up and dance to that.
If you were so inclined you could find my real name quite easily from the information that has been given in various posts over the past 4 months, but then I'd have to get a restraining order against you. Besides, you'd just be disappointed because I'm much more interesting and there's a lot more mystery and intrigue if you continue to know me only as Vanilla.

So what is my real name? I'll give you a clue; You can spell it using the letters in VANILLA, not all of them, and not my last name just my first name. Your guesses* in the comments, plus whatever else tickles your fancy. I may even tell you if someone gets it right. Word to your mother.

*Guessing competition not open to family members. Must be a US resident at least 18 years of age or older, other restrictions apply.

100 Posts

This is the 100th post on Half-Fast since I started the site back on April Fools Day (tell me that isn't an appropriate launch date). Back on Friday I proclaimed that the 100th post here at Half-Fast was going to be big, and ever since then I've been racking my brains trying to figure out what to do for this post. Then it came to me while I was watching an old episode of Friends. It was a clip show. I hate clip shows. A clip show is one of those episodes where one member of the cast says to another "those were good times weren't they?" Then both actors act like they're thinking about the 'good times' and for the next half hour they proceed to show you clips of previous episodes to illustrate the 'good times.' I hate this because I've already seen all those episodes and I wanted some new original funny, not highlights of past funny. Nevertheless, my 100th post will be a clip show, I'm not giving you any new funny, just highlights of previous funny. I assume that most of you here reading this post have not been here since the beginning so maybe you'll get to read something new anyway.

The funniest post: That Wasn't Me You Saw Running – This is probably my all time favorite post. Honorable mention in the category of funniest post: 9 Types Of Runs, Running Dad and To the police officer who almost ran me over in the crosswalk.

Most creative post: Excuses. This is a poem that I wrote based on my take of Shel Silverstein's classic children's poem Sick.

My wife's favorite post: Running Mad. (Wow, look how much shorter my posts used to be.)

Posts with funny video's that are worth your time: Idiot vs Treadmill, Treadmills are for Hamsters, and of course this past Friday's video was pretty good too.

Posts containing useful information and facts:

Posts containing pictures of Vanilla: Bolder Boulder Race Report, Things Only I Find Interesting.

Most embarrassing thing I've done since I started Half-Fast: Entering the Hottest Male Blogger Contest. Yes it's just as geeky as it sounds. Think of it like a Mr. Universe contest only without all the oiled up muscles and with 90% more pocket protectors and horn-rimmed glasses. In case you're wondering why you've never heard about me entering the Hottest Male Blogger Contest it's because I was too embarrassed to admit to it at the time and I lost in the first round. Ouch!

Looking back over all these posts makes it seem like it's been such a long time, but I still remember my first comment from a non-family member. I remember I used to get excited when I got 3 comments on one post. Now I want more, I'm never satisfied. I want 20 plus comments on every post, and when I get there, I'll want 30 plus comments on every post. I want to rule the blogs. "One Blog to rule them all, One Blog to find them, One Blog to bring them all and in the darkness bind them." That's my new goal. Screw running and getting faster, I want to be Lord of the Blogs.

While I'm on the subject of comments let me assure you that I do read ALL of your comments. I actually have blogger set up to e-mail me every comment that is posted, so even if you go back and comment on a post from 3 months ago, I still read it. I love all your comments. I crave comments, even if it is just a simple "hello". I especially love funny comments. Ali, Amy, Pat, jkrunning, Marcy, and many others, you guys make me laugh all the time. So, keep the funny comments coming, even the one's that make fun of me. Make fun of my running, make fun of my writing, I don't care. I poke fun at a lot of things on this site without intending to be taken seriously and I don't ever take offense to any comments you leave. I love them all, whether it's a full blown analysis of my post, a long story you just have to share or a quick "lol." So, now that I've just declared open season on myself... have at it. What are your favorite posts? What are your least favorite posts?