Nike Responds

I just received an e-mail from Jacie Prieto, media relations manager for Nike, indicating that Arien O’Connell is going to be recognized as a winner of the Nike Women’s Marathon. Moreover, Nike is learning from their mistakes and will be eliminating the elite running group at next year’s Nike Women’s Marathon.

I think the most important thing to notice here is that Nike’s media relations manager sent me an e-mail. This is probably due to the fact that the massive sportswear corporation was terrified of drawing the ire of Half-Fast. Ignore for a second that the e-mail was recalled shortly after it was sent, and that I was BCC’d on the e-mail which means it probably went out to hundreds of other bloggers too, what’s important is that I single-handedly brought the sporting giant to its knees. I was the David to their Goliath, the kryptonite to their Superman, the 1980 US hockey team to their corporate, commie USSR hockey team, the Betamax to their VHS... wait... I think my analogy is breaking down. Breaking down like Nike, on their knees, begging for my forgiveness. (Analogy back on track!) It’s OK Nike, don’t cry. I could never stay mad at you. Now, how about some free dry-fit gear?

The following is Nike’s official statement:

Nike is announcing today that it recognizes Arien O'Connell as a winner in last weekend's Nike Women's Marathon completing the full race in 2:55:11. She shattered her previous time and achieved an amazing accomplishment.

Arien will receive the same recognition and prize, including a Tiffany & Co. trophy, the full marathon elite group winner received. Arien was unfortunately not immediately recognized as a race winner because she did not start the race with the elite running group, which is required by USATF standards. Because of their earlier start time, the runners in the elite group had no knowledge of the outstanding race Arien was running and could not adjust their strategies accordingly.

Learning from the unique experience in this year's race, Nike has decided today to eliminate the elite running group from future Nike Women's Marathons. Next year, all runners will run in the same group and all will be eligible to win.

Nike has a proven track record of supporting athletes and we're proud to be able to honor Arien and other athletes who surpass their goals and achieve great accomplishments.

I heart Nike

Hello, this is Candis again. I told Ian that I had a good idea for a post thinking that he’d run with it, but instead I received an e-mail invite to post at Half-Fast and directions to “Go for it.”

I was excited to go outside and run this past weekend, to get away from my children and take advantage of the weather. Calendars and bloggers everywhere claim “Spring is Springing!” LIARS! As I was waiting for Ian to get home from his run the sun vanished, the clouds came, and the wind picked up. That was it, I was hamstering it, and then something happened when I opened my closet to find my running gear; I saw price tags instead. Oh yes, I bought that for the cold. The next thing I knew, I was wearing all my cold gear. I don’t think I voluntarily picked it, or agreed to run outside. It’s like when your car drives you somewhere without you paying any attention. I headed out the door and muttered something about being back in 10 minutes to run my eight miles on my hamster wheel.

Even with Easter looming, there was no spring to be found. I exited the neighborhood and it began snowing. Ahhhh, Colorful Colorado. LIARS! I haven’t seen any color in months. Then I realized, I wasn’t cold and it was quiet. Yup, I was going 8 miles, because that my friends, equals an hour and a half of quiet (mothers of toddlers are odd creatures.) I looooove Nike. The factory must be like the Fairy Godmother’s magic factory in Shrek complete with colorful explosions of fireworks and athletes pouring snow, ice and wind into giant vats. Then Voila! Out comes Nike Deep Freeze Pro Gear. I don’t know what “Dri-FIT” is and the factory workers probably don’t either. How can a shirt keep you so warm and still breathe after 5 miles? Magic baby! The beauty is that I don’t really care why. Plus they have a killer marketing department that makes me get off the couch and run.


I am a running gear addict. We’re all addicted to something: caffeine, sugar, those paper Starbucks cups. I NEED all this running gear. It gets me out of my head. It prevents me from thinking, “can’t feel my legs” with each step. You saw the Nike commercial, it’s dangerous not to feel your steps. I need a shirt for freezing, a shirt for wind, a shirt for blistering heat. It makes me run outside. I’m really a closet hamster, I like the treadmill. The treadmill makes me run how I’m supposed to, it has no hills and no weather swings. But I learned when I was little that if you spend your milk money on candy, you’d better enjoy it. (Also you’d better not let your Mom know you did it.) Same applies now. Do my kids really NEED this much milk? This shirt lets me run in 100 degree weather. It’s not like they’re malnourished. It makes me run faster and further- and it’s paying off. You won’t be seeing me crying on a Richard Simmons Infomercial. I’ll be running with these wacky boys- they’ll thank me later.

I love all my running paraphernalia. Running in the cold makes you feel hardcore. You get smiles from people who wish they were as cool as you. Maybe it’s all in my head but I run further with Clif Shot Bloks, Accelerade (which turns into a nice slushy when it’s freezing- yum), Eminem and Gustavo (Ian’s Garmin).

Hey! I have another idea I conjured up- wouldn’t it be cool if Nike made cold gear shirts with zip sides for those temperature swings? Hey Allison, you don’t have another cousin who works for Nike do you?

If only Nike had opened their magic factory in the 50’s, imagine how much faster our icons could have been. Ahhh, but they were so much tougher than I am.

Niketown: A Model of Efficiency

For my wife’s birthday I recently bought her, among other things, a nice cold weather running shirt from Niketown. Unfortunately I bought it a size too small and ended up having to return it. Incidentally men, if you’re ever in doubt about which size to buy for the woman in your life, go with the smaller option. It’s much safer. “Really honey? You don’t wear a Petite? Well, you look petite to me.” This will earn you more brownie points than the actual purchase and will partially make up for saying that running on a treadmill is worse than giving birth. You know... if you were stupid enough to say something like that.

Allow me to state for the record that I love Nike. I’ve never bought a pair of their running shoes, but I probably own or have owned everything else they’ve ever made, including a lovely running skirt. So it gives me no joy to have to write a negative post about Niketown, which I sincerely wish was an actual town. It would be a town without fast food chains, the streets would be paved with that rubbery track compound and Gatorade would flow from your faucets.

Back to the story. I walked in to Niketown, the store not the imaginary place in my head, and I moseyed on over to the customer service desk. I explained my situation to the kindly old lady who looked eerily like my late Grandma, while she scanned the small shirt and checked my receipt. I was about to turn and walk off to grab the new shirt when Grandma informed me that someone else would get it and bring it to me. Perfect. That would save me from seeing something else on my way and exchanging my wife’s new shirt for that jacket I’ve been eyeing.

I stood to the side and waited. The women’s running shirts were located on the 2nd floor, which is a U-shaped floor that is open to the 1st floor below in what would be the middle of the U. This allowed me to actually see the rack where my wife’s shirt was residing. After waiting for a few minutes I turned to Grandma and told her that I remembered where the shirt was located, and would she like me to go and get it. No. Someone was already getting it. It occurred to me that perhaps someone was bringing one from the supply room instead of getting it off the rack. I figured that this would be a good thing as I often hear women say that they’d rather not wear things “off the rack.”

After some more waiting, Grandma asked me if anyone had brought the new shirt down yet. She asked me. I looked around at the empty counter and then sarcastically at my empty hands before answering in the negative. Grandma spoke into her walkie talkie and a new employee hurriedly came out of the Women’s Running department and down to the counter where I was patiently waiting. The employee looked at the shirt I had returned, frowned and then headed back upstairs where she began searching the racks for the shirt. After some flustered searching she found the shirt I had been awaiting, pulled it off the rack - sorry honey, the shirt is “off the rack” : ( - and then did something very curious. She walked past the stairs, over to the other side of the store and put the shirt into a giant glass tube that was apparently some kind of “merchandise elevator.” Seconds later the shirt disappeared into the ground and showed up in the giant glass tube that was 30 feet from the counter that I was waiting at. Nifty huh? Except that Grandma was now helping other customers and didn’t notice that the new shirt had been beamed down.

More waiting and then Grandma excused herself from the customer she was working with and spoke into her walkie talkie again. I could only make out her side of the conversation. “Are you bringing that shirt down?” - “Oh… but I’ve got A TON of other customers I’m helping, I was hoping that you could bring it to the register.” (Apparently, in Niketown the store, 2 customers equals A TON.)

The second employee emerged again from the Women’s Running department with a less than pleasant look on her face. She hurried down the stairs, went to the merchandise elevator, pulled out the shirt – the shirt that she had put in there only moments ago – and brought it to the counter. Before I could even thank her she dropped the shirt on the counter and then WENT BACK UPSTAIRS. At this point it had taken 20+ minutes for the new shirt to arrive at the counter. It would have taken me less than 30 seconds to go upstairs and grab it myself, but Niketown in their efforts to put the customer first decided to save me the hassle. Thanks Niketown. I actually think they just like using those cool merchandise elevators, I know I would if I were a Niketown employee, but alas I’m entirely too efficient to work there.

When I got the shirt back home and gave it to my wife, she removed it from the bag and out fell a 20% off coupon attached to the new receipt. Do you know when the 20% off coupon expired? Two hours from the time of issuance. Bravo Niketown, Bravo.

Nike is Scary

I love Nike. I love their apparel, I love their logo, I love the little Indonesian kids that they pay 5¢ a day to make my shoes, and I love their commercials and print ads. I don't think I've ever seen a Nike ad that I didn't like or that didn't inspire me. Nike must have the best marketing department this side of beer companies, and yet I will probably never own a pair of their running shoes. The video below was apparently banned from TV in the US because it was too scary, but that just makes it the perfect video for a Halloween post.


Too scary? The Nike spot isn’t even as scary as some of the promos for upcoming TV shows that I’ve seen aired on Sunday afternoons during football games that I’m watching with my kids. It’s not even as scary as that preceding run-on sentence. You want scary? Turn on the E! channel when they reveal what the Hollywood Celebs are wearing to their Halloween parties. Paris Hilton as a slutty cop/nurse/bunny/princess: Scary. Britney Spears as a Mom: Terrifying. Either one as any kind of role model: Traumatizing.

Have a safe Halloween everyone. I hope that you get plenty of Vanilla Tootsie Rolls and an awesome monster name like mine.

Get Your Monster Name

If you were wondering, a lycanthrope is a werewolf. Yes, I had to look it up. Sue me.