An Open Letter to My Neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

As you are no doubt aware we’ve had some snow lately and I couldn’t help but notice on my drive to work this morning that some of your driveways and sidewalks are still unshoveled. This is quite disconcerting as you know that I’m scheduled to run tonight. (I trust that you all received my running schedule in the mail along with the rotation of whose turn it is to provide refreshments.) The temperatures today will be in the mid 40s and it’s expected to be sunny all day. This means that tonight when I embark on my run your sidewalks could be completely dry if you just get out there and shovel them so that they can benefit from eight hours of sunshine. I in return will take down my Christmas lights, or at the very least I’ll stop turning them on every night. Also while you’re out there shoveling your sidewalks it really wouldn’t be too much to ask for someone to shovel my walk too, would it? It would? Well then don’t worry about my sidewalk. It’s more important that your sidewalks get shoveled since they occur in the middle of my run. Those of you with north facing driveways whose houses thoughtlessly block the sun might want to think about putting down some salt and I don’t want to insist that you hook up your wife’s hairdryer to the extension cord but I think that basic human decency necessitates it. That snow’s not going to melt itself.

I write this congenial letter to appeal to you on the basic tenets of human decency, I know you don’t want to see me slip on your icy sidewalk and you definitely don’t want to receive a letter from my sue-happy attorney. Trust me, you don’t want to be on the defendant’s end of a lawsuit when a greedy fat-cat banker such as myself, teams up with an ambulance chasing lawyer. See? Basic. Human. Decency. I’m an expert at it. Try to emulate me.

Sincerely,

Ian (The guy with the Christmas Lights)

Site News: Please note that I have not posted an apology/excuse for not posting over the last few weeks. That’s not because I’m not sorry, although I’m not sorry, you’re sorry! The reason for the lack of an excuse or apology is because there’s a pretty good chance that posts are going to continue to be sporadic at best and if I have to apologize every time I’m gone for a week or two it’s going to get tiresome for me to type and for you to read, but most importantly for me to type. I think we’ve already established that I don’t care about you people. (Seriously, thanks for coming back and still reading.) Anyway, you’re just going to have to put up with my sporadicity sporadicness sporadicality sporadicism sporadicity as work has been consuming a lot of my time lately (like, easily 30 to 34 hours a week) and I covet the time I get to spend with my family (sometimes I even pause the TV and pay attention to them) so I don’t want to spend that time writing blog posts. Also, I think it’s funny that you would ask me where I’ve been when it’s been quite obvious (I have Google Analytics) that over the past few weeks you yourselves have not been coming here. Where have I been? No, where have YOU been?

The Death Throes of a Treadmill

It was cold last night. Not so cold that I couldn’t wrap up and head out the door for a brisk evening run, but sometimes getting ready to run in the cold is just such a hassle isn’t it? Am I the only one that feels this way? I’ve got to assess exactly how cold it is outside and then determine if I just want to wear one of my UA cold gear shirts or if I’ll need something else over it? Will a vest suffice or do I need a hoodie or a light jacket with sleeves? I just don’t know. Do I want my thin running gloves or my slightly thicker ones? Which hat do I want to wear, the thinner Headsweats hat or the fun one with the tassel on the top that playfully bobs back and forth as I run? These are the important questions that a runner has to ask oneself before heading out in the elements.

It’s just so much easier, albeit more boring, to throw on a pair of shorts and a shirt and hit the treadmill, which is what I decided to do last night. I put a movie on the TV and began to slip into my treadmill coma to help me survive the boredom. But something wasn’t right. The treadmill wasn’t moving and I wasn’t running. I was just standing there watching TV.

“Something’s not right,” I thought. I checked everything again. The dashboard was lit up, the safety key was securely in place, the speed was set just above 6 mph and yet the treadmill was motionless. Blissfully motionless. Standing on the side rails I looked down at the belt and blinked a couple of times before gingerly dipping my toe onto it, half expecting my foot to jerk backwards, but the belt was not moving. Had I finally run my treadmill into submission? Was the cursed piece of machinery finally dead? I hopped off with a little extra bounce in my step, quietly singing to myself “ding dong, the witch is dead.” I was positively giddy. It is flat out wrong how excited I was to go upstairs and inform Candis that the treadmill was dead. I was already thinking about the celebratory bottle of wine I was going to drink and how I’d toast the death of my antagonist. Perhaps I would even mockingly pour some out for my fallen homey.

Then the unthinkable happened; the treadmill beeped at me. It was taunting me, calling out to me for help. I walked back over to it and turned it off and back on again as though it was running on Vista. The dashboard lit up again, just as it had before. I stood on the rails holding my breath and pressed the start button. An eternity passed as I gazed down at the belt but then slowly, almost imperceptibly, the belt began moving monotonously backwards, picking up speed with all the haste of sap oozing down a tree trunk. I let loose a tempest of curse words and I might have even hit or kicked the treadmill a couple of times.

Alas, my treadmill is not dead, and I managed a few lackluster miles on it last night with a few lackluster intervals thrown in for good measure. I suppose that’s good news as it means I don’t have to go through the agony of deciding what cold weather clothes to put on and I can run indoors, but it sure didn’t feel like good news last night when I was on the verge of skipping my run. It’s just one more reason to hate my treadmill, as if I needed any more.

Confidential to Old Man Winter

Earlier this month when we were enjoying 60+ degree temperatures here in Denver I happily gloated and waived our fine weather in the faces of those of you residing in states that were gripped by snow and ice. It will probably bring you a great deal of pleasure to know that these past few days (the first days of Spring) we’ve been feeling the sting of colder temperatures and my cross training has taken the form of digging out my driveway, building a snowman, and whitewashing 4 and 5 year olds. By the way, whitewashing 4 and 5 year olds is way more rewarding that than it should be.

All of this snow and cold can only mean one thing: Old Man Winter reads Half-Fast and I have taunted him into kicking me in the pants. Fantastic. Well you know what, Old Man Winter? You can get bent! You’re not fooling anyone with this late season snow, your days are numbered and I will dance on your grave when the time comes. (Parenthetical side note: Totally nailed the correct usage of ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ in that sentence. You really have to understand their meanings to see that they’re used correctly there. (Second parenthetical side note: ‘Their,’ ‘they’re’ and ‘there’ also used correctly! High Five!) Totally makes up for the redundancy of pointing out that something inside parentheses was parenthetical.) Where was I? Oh yes, Old Man Winter. Suck it!

If you think that a little snow and wind is going to keep me from running then you’re not paying attention. Did you not see the post about YakTrax? Do you not know that I have a treadmill? I laugh in the face of cold weather and I scoff at your measly 4 - 5 inches. I’ll start forwarding you some e-mails that promise to help you grow to 10 - 12 inches, but even then I’ll keep running, and do you know why? Because I’m unstoppable. I’m like a bad run on sentence or the Enegizer bunny.

Anniversary
Wednesday will be the 2 year anniversary of Half-Fast, so be sure to stop by on Wednesday and if you haven’t already started shopping for a gift then you had better get on it. This is not the kind of blog that is going to let you off easy if you forget its anniversary. And don’t even think about showing up here on Wednesday with a card and a gift certificate. Put some thought into it, if you haven’t been able to figure out what gift this blog wants from its subtle hints then I don’t think you really love it at all. What? Is there someone else? Who is she? WHO IS SHE?

I heart Nike

Hello, this is Candis again. I told Ian that I had a good idea for a post thinking that he’d run with it, but instead I received an e-mail invite to post at Half-Fast and directions to “Go for it.”

I was excited to go outside and run this past weekend, to get away from my children and take advantage of the weather. Calendars and bloggers everywhere claim “Spring is Springing!” LIARS! As I was waiting for Ian to get home from his run the sun vanished, the clouds came, and the wind picked up. That was it, I was hamstering it, and then something happened when I opened my closet to find my running gear; I saw price tags instead. Oh yes, I bought that for the cold. The next thing I knew, I was wearing all my cold gear. I don’t think I voluntarily picked it, or agreed to run outside. It’s like when your car drives you somewhere without you paying any attention. I headed out the door and muttered something about being back in 10 minutes to run my eight miles on my hamster wheel.

Even with Easter looming, there was no spring to be found. I exited the neighborhood and it began snowing. Ahhhh, Colorful Colorado. LIARS! I haven’t seen any color in months. Then I realized, I wasn’t cold and it was quiet. Yup, I was going 8 miles, because that my friends, equals an hour and a half of quiet (mothers of toddlers are odd creatures.) I looooove Nike. The factory must be like the Fairy Godmother’s magic factory in Shrek complete with colorful explosions of fireworks and athletes pouring snow, ice and wind into giant vats. Then Voila! Out comes Nike Deep Freeze Pro Gear. I don’t know what “Dri-FIT” is and the factory workers probably don’t either. How can a shirt keep you so warm and still breathe after 5 miles? Magic baby! The beauty is that I don’t really care why. Plus they have a killer marketing department that makes me get off the couch and run.


I am a running gear addict. We’re all addicted to something: caffeine, sugar, those paper Starbucks cups. I NEED all this running gear. It gets me out of my head. It prevents me from thinking, “can’t feel my legs” with each step. You saw the Nike commercial, it’s dangerous not to feel your steps. I need a shirt for freezing, a shirt for wind, a shirt for blistering heat. It makes me run outside. I’m really a closet hamster, I like the treadmill. The treadmill makes me run how I’m supposed to, it has no hills and no weather swings. But I learned when I was little that if you spend your milk money on candy, you’d better enjoy it. (Also you’d better not let your Mom know you did it.) Same applies now. Do my kids really NEED this much milk? This shirt lets me run in 100 degree weather. It’s not like they’re malnourished. It makes me run faster and further- and it’s paying off. You won’t be seeing me crying on a Richard Simmons Infomercial. I’ll be running with these wacky boys- they’ll thank me later.

I love all my running paraphernalia. Running in the cold makes you feel hardcore. You get smiles from people who wish they were as cool as you. Maybe it’s all in my head but I run further with Clif Shot Bloks, Accelerade (which turns into a nice slushy when it’s freezing- yum), Eminem and Gustavo (Ian’s Garmin).

Hey! I have another idea I conjured up- wouldn’t it be cool if Nike made cold gear shirts with zip sides for those temperature swings? Hey Allison, you don’t have another cousin who works for Nike do you?

If only Nike had opened their magic factory in the 50’s, imagine how much faster our icons could have been. Ahhh, but they were so much tougher than I am.

Winter Gear

The end of daylight savings time is depressing. The days feel shorter, it’s colder outside, it’s harder to see when I’m out running, if I didn’t know any better I’d think that I was dying. Of course I’m not dying, at least not any more than the rest of you are. In these cold and dark times I need some advice. What do you wear when you go running in the cold darkness of winter?

Viper has a couple of posts about good reflective wear and how to stay warm. I’m really liking the Reflecto-Vest idea but I need some more ideas on warm gear to run in before I end up freezing. No one wants to see Vanilla, ice. Wow, look at that - the jokes really do write themselves (not very well, but by themselves nonetheless).

I currently own one warm running shirt that wicks away sweat and keeps me warm, the one you see in the picture above. I wear the ski mask thing over my nose so that it doesn’t freeze and so I cannot smell my one and only winter running shirt, which often goes running multiple times between washes. If you’re running the 8 on the 8th, you should be glad it’s a virtual race because you won't have to smell my running shirt unless you live in Colorado or maybe Nebraska or Kansas if it’s windy.

When that shirt is in the wash I usually go with an Under Armor heat gear compression shirt and a hooded sweatshirt. This works OK and has the added benefit of making me feel like Rocky Balboa or LL Cool J “I’m gonna knock you out, Mama said knock you out!”

So let’s hear it. What do you wear when it’s cold out? Oh, and before any of you year-round-warm-climate folks chime in with chippy remarks about how you don’t have to worry about this kind of thing, allow me to invite you to help yourselves to a bucketful of SHUT UP JUICE! Yeah, you know who you are.