Emergency Procedures: Dance Off!

Emergency Procedures is my quest to differentiate Half-Fast from any other running blog out there. It is an ongoing feature designed to give runners the advice that no one else does, and appears on a random and inconsistent schedule despite its severe lack of popularity. Today’s topic, as you may have already guessed, is Dance Off!

I think that we can all agree that if there’s one thing Vanilla does well, it’s dancing. If there’s two things that Vanilla does well it’s dancing and talking about himself in the 3rd person like some kind of hot shot, superstar athlete. Naturally, I’ve never been worried about being challenged to a dance off while out running on the trails but that’s because I’ve got the moves to get you into the grooves, or something like that. However, it occurs to me that some of you might be terrified about the prospect of being challenged to a dance off because you don’t know how to get in to the groove or even how to shake your groove thang. Well fear not my friends, because Vanilla is here with another useful Emergency Procedures post to teach you how to win an impromptu dance off.

You’re running along, just minding your own business and enjoying your tunes when someone steps into your path Black Knight style and issues the all too familiar “None Shall Pass” edict. You’re about to be involved in a dance off... to the death! Here’s what you do:

Start out with the always popular running man. You’re probably already in your running groove and your running groove can be easily morphed into a dancing groove by starting with the running man. From there I always recommend shifting into Vanilla Ice’s Ninja Rap. “Go ninja, go ninja, go!”

Now if this kid knows what he’s doing then he’s probably going to come back at you with the Chicken Noodle Soup dance and maybe he’ll even pop and lock it, but don’t back down now. Tell him to step off, “I’m doin’ the Hump,” and bust out the Humpty Dance. Remember that the Humpty Dance is your chance to do the Hump. After that I’d reach back into your bag of tricks and give him some of the classic moves; the shopping cart, the lawnmower, and the sprinkler.

He’ll be taken aback by your prowess on the dance floor and resort to the robot and maybe even *NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye puppet dance, which is a good point but that’s when you hit him up with MC Hammer’s U Can’t Touch This and Too Legit to Quit. He’ll probably be all, like “I see your point but here’s some moonwalking in your face!” And you’ll be all, like “Whoa, you’re good but can you handle my electric slide?” And while he’s still reeling from your awesome electric slide that’s when you hit him up old school with the ace up your sleeve: The Thriller, because “whosoever shall be found, without the soul for getting down, must stand and face the hounds of hell, and rot inside a corpses shell.” Game. Over!

Just remember, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstance, ever, ever do the twist. If you’re even contemplating this, then you’re way too old to be participating in a dance off in the first place. Also out of the question: walking like an Egyptian and the chicken dance. Stop. You’re just embarrassing yourself.

Emergency Procedures: Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy!

Emergency Procedures is my quest to differentiate Half-Fast from any other running blog out there. It is an ongoing feature designed to give runners the advice that no one else does, and appears on a random and inconsistent schedule based loosely on its popularity. Today’s topic, as you may have already guessed, is Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy!

Narcolepsy is by definition both sudden and uncontrollable (otherwise they would just call it scheduled afternoon naptime) so I will concede that it was a little redundant or repetitive or superfluous to call narcolepsy sudden and uncontrollable. However it sounds so much more frightening and worrisome when you add those two words.

Whatever you call it, Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy while running is not something to be trifled with so I hope that you’ll take this advice seriously. In the event that you have an episode of Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy while running then please follow the emergency procedures outlined below:

1. Wake up.

Since there really isn’t a cure for Narcolepsy and there’s really no way to prepare yourself for a sleep attack other than to maybe run with your pillow, the remainder of these emergency procedures will be focused on what you can do if you come across a narcoleptic runner catching some Z’s on the trail.

1. Stop their watch! Hopefully all our narcoleptic running friends out there will have the auto pause feature enabled, but for those that don’t it is our responsibility to help out.

2. Check their pockets for Clif Shot Gels and water. Feel free to consume any of these items because let’s face it, you don’t need to hydrate or replace electrolytes when you’re napping. Also, are those shoes your size? They look brand new!

3. Wake them up. This can be done by yelling, clapping your hands, or shaking them violently, but the preferred method is to place their hand in water and watch them pee their pants.

4. Once you have successfully woken the narcoleptic up, inform them that they fell asleep and that you just witnessed some teenager on a bike stealing their Shot Gels. Feign indignation.

5. Offer further assistance, but if they ask you for a favor tell them that you have to leave and that you won’t rest until you find the “real killers Shot Gel thieves.” Do not feel bad about this, you’ve already done enough and they are being ungrateful by asking for more. What are you, Mother Teresa?

If you are a narcoleptic runner it’s probably best that you run with a partner, one you can trust. If that’s not an option then perhaps you could run with a dog, just not this one.

Emergency Procedures: Alien Abductions!

Emergency Procedures is my quest to differentiate Half-Fast from any other running blog out there. It is an ongoing feature at Half-Fast designed to give runners the advice that no one else does, and appears on a random and inconsistent schedule based loosely on its popularity. Today’s topic as you may have already guessed is Alien Abductions!

The list of emergency procedures below should be followed in the event that you are confronted by an alien who wishes to abduct you.

1. Ignore. Try to just ignore the alien standing in your path and run around him as if he doesn’t exist, because he probably doesn’t. Also you’re hallucinating, make a mental note to hydrate better.

2. If step 1 does not work and the alien forces you to stop running, STOP YOUR WATCH! It’s shaping up to be a really bad day, don’t make it worse by screwing up your splits.

3. Point up to the sky behind the alien and yell “Look out behind you!” When the alien looks, run right past him and finish your run with all haste.

4. Try communicating with the alien through speech, hand gestures and telepathy. If this fails, try the Jedi Mind Trick; “I am not the human that you are interested in.”

5. Yell and scream for help like a little girl.

6. Assume that the aliens are simply lost and looking for the nearest trailer park. Give them detailed directions.

7. Draw your water bottle from its holster, point it at the alien and advise him that if he does not retreat, you will be forced to use your “Anti-Matter Gun” against him.

8. If the alien does not comply with your previous request, go ahead and squirt him. This will either cause him to retreat or piss him off greatly. Be ready for the latter. (Remember not to use up all of your water unless you have less than a mile left in your run.)

If none of these measures work and you find yourself being whisked away on an alien craft, then you can try some of the following additional measures:

1. And this is the most important one: Stay the hell away from anything that looks like a probe or turkey baster.

2. Ask if you can use the on-board treadmill to finish up your workout. It can’t hurt to ask right?

3. If you get a few minutes alone with one of their computers, upload a virus by simply typing ‘upload virus’ as shown on many, many Hollywood movies. You might save all mankind and we’ll probably name a national holiday in your honor, at least until all those stupid alien rights groups start complaining.

4. Inquire about Scientology.

5. Return home and start your own Alien Encounters and other Conspiracy Theories blog. Become the laughing stock of your community.

If none of these ideas work, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s been nice knowing you.

Emergency Procedures: Quicksand!

In my quest to differentiate Half-Fast from the many other running blogs out there, I am debuting a new feature today called Emergency Procedures. There are many excellent running blogs around that offer sound coaching (Runner’s Lounge), scientific analysis (Science of Sport), humorous poop stories (Lawsons Do Dallas & 21 Days), and “hydration” advice (Booze Hounds Inc.), but no one is giving advice to runners about what to do when faced with an extreme emergency. That all changes today. Emergency Procedures will be an ongoing feature that will appear here at Half-Fast on a random and inconsistent schedule based loosely on its popularity. Today’s topic as you may have already guessed is Quicksand!

First let’s start with a couple of preventative measures that you can take:

1. Do not fall into quicksand. Avoid running in areas where there might be quicksand. Warning signs of quicksand to look out for are sand, water, mud, marshes, swamps and signs that read ‘Danger: Quicksand!’ Also be sure to avoid the Fire Swamp which is the only known location in the world where ‘Lightning Quicksand’ exists and is the natural habitat of the R.O.U.S.

2. Tie your shoelaces tight. This will not prevent you from falling into quicksand but it will prevent you from having to buy new shoes when you’re extricated, and I think we all know how expensive new shoes are.

Now let’s take a look at what you should do if you were stupid enough to ignore my preventative measures or if you were cast as the damsel in distress in an old Tarzan movie. In the event that you find yourself trapped in quicksand or maybe even a sinkhole while you’re out running, please follow the emergency procedures outlined below.

1. STOP YOUR WATCH. The most dangerous thing about quicksand is that it can really mess up your splits, which is why it’s critical that you stop your watch as soon as you realize that you’re caught up in quicksand. If you’re wearing a Garmin hold it up above the quicksand as high as you can (because it’s expensive) and maybe it will tell the satellite to send help (no it won’t).

2. Don’t panic. You’ve stopped your watch so you’re not losing any time off your run. Despite what you might think, now is the time to be cool and collected. Catch your breath and rest your legs so that you can finish your run strong when you get out.

3. Take pictures. No one’s going to believe your awesome quicksand story without some visual evidence.

4. If you can still reach your waistband, retie it a little tighter. You don’t want those pants coming off when you are pulled to safety.

5. Yell and scream for help like a little girl.

6. If someone shows up to assist you, help them to remain calm by cracking jokes. For example, when they ask you if you’re stuck or need assistance, tell them “No, I’m not stuck, my legs were running too fast for my torso and now I’ve lost them, have you seen them?”

7. If no one shows up to help you, the best solution is to try to remember what you’ve seen on survival shows on TV, and not what you’ve read here at Half-Fast. I think I once saw someone lay on his back and pull his legs up out of the quicksand one at a time, give that a shot.

8. Do not dive back in to retrieve an item of lost clothing (unless it’s your Garmin, because those are expensive and worth the additional risk).

I hope and pray that none of you will ever find yourselves trapped in quicksand while you’re running, but I am confident that you will survive it now that I’ve armed you with the information you need.