Emergency Procedures is my quest to differentiate Half-Fast from any other running blog out there. It is an ongoing feature at Half-Fast designed to give runners the advice that no one else does, and appears on a random and inconsistent schedule based loosely on its popularity. Today’s topic as you may have already guessed is Alien Abductions!The list of emergency procedures below should be followed in the event that you are confronted by an alien who wishes to abduct you.
1. Ignore. Try to just ignore the alien standing in your path and run around him as if he doesn’t exist, because he probably doesn’t. Also you’re hallucinating, make a mental note to hydrate better.
2. If step 1 does not work and the alien forces you to stop running, STOP YOUR WATCH! It’s shaping up to be a really bad day, don’t make it worse by screwing up your splits.
3. Point up to the sky behind the alien and yell “Look out behind you!” When the alien looks, run right past him and finish your run with all haste.
4. Try communicating with the alien through speech, hand gestures and telepathy. If this fails, try the Jedi Mind Trick; “I am not the human that you are interested in.”
5. Yell and scream for help like a little girl.
6. Assume that the aliens are simply lost and looking for the nearest trailer park. Give them detailed directions.
7. Draw your water bottle from its holster, point it at the alien and advise him that if he does not retreat, you will be forced to use your “Anti-Matter Gun” against him.
8. If the alien does not comply with your previous request, go ahead and squirt him. This will either cause him to retreat or piss him off greatly. Be ready for the latter. (Remember not to use up all of your water unless you have less than a mile left in your run.)
If none of these measures work and you find yourself being whisked away on an alien craft, then you can try some of the following additional measures:
1. And this is the most important one: Stay the hell away from anything that looks like a probe or turkey baster.
2. Ask if you can use the on-board treadmill to finish up your workout. It can’t hurt to ask right?
3. If you get a few minutes alone with one of their computers, upload a virus by simply typing ‘upload virus’ as shown on many, many Hollywood movies. You might save all mankind and we’ll probably name a national holiday in your honor, at least until all those stupid alien rights groups start complaining.
4. Inquire about Scientology.
5. Return home and start your own Alien Encounters and other Conspiracy Theories blog. Become the laughing stock of your community.
If none of these ideas work, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s been nice knowing you.
Thanks for your advice. It was worth every penny.
ReplyDeleteAlso, do not allow aliens to attach to your face and deposit eggs into your stomach.
I'm just keeping count, here. This makes installment #2 in your "ongoing feature" right? No matter how random and incosistently they appear, I find this series very helpful. I can't tell you how many times I've encountered quicksand and saved my own life.
ReplyDeleteNow I know what to do when encountering green guys on my long runs.
I'm just keeping count, here. This makes installment #2 in your "ongoing feature" right? No matter how random and incosistently they appear, I find this series very helpful. I can't tell you how many times I've encountered quicksand and saved my own life.
ReplyDeleteNow I know what to do when encountering green guys on my long runs.
You've outdone yourself here in the humor and helpfulness departments (though on opposite ends of the spectrum). Could the next installment involve how to address children when they plead with you not to do your long run? It's an emergency I've faced a lot lately.
ReplyDeleteBest Yet!
ReplyDeleteI feel more at ease.
You should write a "runner's survival book" that describes how do deal with these types of situations.
ReplyDeleteI don't need a cut of your sales. You can just mention me in the acknowledgement sections. Something along the lines of "this book would not have been possible without the help of shoreturtle".
Then again, you are probably already shopping around for a book deal.
Excellent call on Number 2. You don't want to mess up your splits...
ReplyDeleteI think that instead of stopping Gustavo short you should just hit lap. This way when you return after all the probing you can tell stories about how you ran fifty-million light -miles last week. And it sure wold help out your average pace!
ReplyDeleteHope to God I don't see aliens whilst I am stuck in quicksand. This merely proves you have wayyy too much free time up thar in them mountains.
ReplyDeleteI wish you had written this before I ran on Saturday. Oh, wait, those weren't aliens -- they were just rain-soaked Richmonders running the 10K.
ReplyDeleteI would add another to your second list -- what to do if you're actually whisked away:
6. When you get to the aliens' destination, get a run in and add it to your "strangest places I've run" list.
Cripes! This comes a day late. The Martian Marathon (www.martianmarthon.com) was just held in MI on Sunday. This should have been required prerace reading. I wonder how many souls were lost due to your procrastination.
ReplyDelete"inquire about scientology"! Ha. I guess there's no better time to get informed, right?
ReplyDeleteturkey baster? You say this as though you've had personal experience :-).
ReplyDeleteI am gonna sign the doom song!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqcn_TPu4qQ