Emergency Procedures: Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy!

Emergency Procedures is my quest to differentiate Half-Fast from any other running blog out there. It is an ongoing feature designed to give runners the advice that no one else does, and appears on a random and inconsistent schedule based loosely on its popularity. Today’s topic, as you may have already guessed, is Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy!

Narcolepsy is by definition both sudden and uncontrollable (otherwise they would just call it scheduled afternoon naptime) so I will concede that it was a little redundant or repetitive or superfluous to call narcolepsy sudden and uncontrollable. However it sounds so much more frightening and worrisome when you add those two words.

Whatever you call it, Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy while running is not something to be trifled with so I hope that you’ll take this advice seriously. In the event that you have an episode of Sudden Uncontrollable Narcolepsy while running then please follow the emergency procedures outlined below:

1. Wake up.

Since there really isn’t a cure for Narcolepsy and there’s really no way to prepare yourself for a sleep attack other than to maybe run with your pillow, the remainder of these emergency procedures will be focused on what you can do if you come across a narcoleptic runner catching some Z’s on the trail.

1. Stop their watch! Hopefully all our narcoleptic running friends out there will have the auto pause feature enabled, but for those that don’t it is our responsibility to help out.

2. Check their pockets for Clif Shot Gels and water. Feel free to consume any of these items because let’s face it, you don’t need to hydrate or replace electrolytes when you’re napping. Also, are those shoes your size? They look brand new!

3. Wake them up. This can be done by yelling, clapping your hands, or shaking them violently, but the preferred method is to place their hand in water and watch them pee their pants.

4. Once you have successfully woken the narcoleptic up, inform them that they fell asleep and that you just witnessed some teenager on a bike stealing their Shot Gels. Feign indignation.

5. Offer further assistance, but if they ask you for a favor tell them that you have to leave and that you won’t rest until you find the “real killers Shot Gel thieves.” Do not feel bad about this, you’ve already done enough and they are being ungrateful by asking for more. What are you, Mother Teresa?

If you are a narcoleptic runner it’s probably best that you run with a partner, one you can trust. If that’s not an option then perhaps you could run with a dog, just not this one.