Race Preparations

In case you hadn’t heard, I have a big showdown with Viper tomorrow. The kind of showdown where one of you gets carried off the dueling grounds in a pine box. The kind of showdown that only two over-inflated male egos could possibly think that anyone cared about. The kind of showdown that makes the O.K. Corral look like a neighborhood game of freeze-tag. Unfortunately it’s also the kind of showdown that we could both win, subjecting all of you to even more gloating and posturing in the coming week. You really should just be rooting for both of us to fail, I know I am. No. Wait, not both of us, just Viper.

On the eve of this epic battle I will be preparing in the tried and tested manner that I use to prepare for all of my races. For the very first time I am making it public so that you can copy my preparations and be as successful as I am.

The Night Before
- Lay out clothes I’ll be racing in, which tomorrow will include my lucky blue race shirt. (As seen here and here.)
- Try on race clothes.
- Look in mirror, practice winking while giving the double guns. “Who loves ya’ baby?”
- Stop before I get myself too excited.
- Check the weather.
- Drink some water.
- Put Garmin somewhere I won’t lose it so I don’t freak out.
- Print directions to race.
- Re-check starting time.
- Freak Out! “Where the hell is my Garmin?”
- Move Garmin to more conspicuous location.
- Drink some water.
- Debate whether to wear my Red Sox hat.
- Change mind 7 times.
- Debate which sunglasses to wear.
- Change mind 9 times.
- Re-check weather.
- Calculate drive time and when we need to leave.
- Re-calculate because it can’t be that early!
- Change mind one more time on Red Sox hat.
- Drink some water.
- Realize Garmin needs to be charged and plug it in.
- Look at course map and elevation.
- Plan breakfast.
- Calculate necessary pace/mile.
- Set alarm clock.
- Change alarm to later time, promise to eat breakfast in car.
- Verbalize above list to Candis ad nauseam.
- Lights out. I’m not a big believer in the whole no-boom-boom-before-big-race theory, but my wife is still sick (because she’s weak), which means that I’ll probably spend a good 15 minutes trying to convince her that the trusty old saying goes; “starve a fever, have sex with a cold.”

Race Morning
- Snooze button.
- Snooze button.
- Snoo... “Holy Crap! Look at the time, we’re going to be late!”
- PeeBrushTeethPutOnClothesDrinkWaterRunOutDoorBackCarOutOfGarage!
- Stop.
- Run back in and grab Garmin from charger.
- Pray for no speed traps on way to race.
- Be thankful of previous night’s pedantic antics.

And that, is how you prepare for a successful race. Let me know in the comments if I’m missing any preparations, because I could really use some more items to fret over tonight.

Best of luck, Viper.