I’ve decided that intervals are the bane of my training. I hate them. They’re like an abusive relationship. You do the first interval and it feels great, you feel fast and you know that you’re making yourself a better runner. You love intervals, you doodle ‘intervals’ as your last name on a scratch pad and dot the i with a heart. You’d do anything to get in Intervals’ pants. But then pretty soon Intervals gets angry with you and yells at you for something insignificant. This should be a warning flag but Intervals is always so apologetic and sweet during that recovery lap. You can’t help yourself, you find yourself begging for more. By the time you get around to your final few laps you’re gasping for breath as Intervals chokes all the air out of you and punches you repeatedly in the legs. It’s over! You’re not going to take this anymore, you’re a self-respecting runner and you don’t need this. When you were dating Long Slow Distance he never treated you this way. You finish your final lap and you don’t want to be a better runner anymore, you just want to call the cops and have a restraining order issued against Intervals, but you can’t. You can’t because you’ll be right back there at the track again next week thinking ‘weeee look how fast I am’ during that first interval. You’re like an idiot bounding around the track and you don’t even see the oxygen debt coming, but every week it comes and is quickly followed by the physical abuse. Every week you swear off Intervals. You curse Intervals under your breath and sometimes if you’re feeling bold you curse Intervals out loud, hoping to hurt Intervals’ feelings. “I hate you Intervals, and Long Slow Distance is way more endowed than you’ll ever be!” (You should probably spend some time working on your insults.)
You walk away from the track, shunning Intervals but then you can’t keep yourself from glancing over your shoulder and mouthing “call me” with your hand imitating a phone. ‘Oh yeah,’ intervals is arrogantly thinking ‘you’ll be back for more. You know you want me,’ and Intervals is right. I hate it when Intervals is right.
Hey, I bet you can’t guess what kind of workout I did last night.
5 x 800s (7:35 average pace)
Blech. I hate you Intervals!
I haven't run a lot of intervals, but I sure have dated him before. Given this post, hopefully when I do start running intervals, it ends up better than it did with the guy who stalked me for a year. TMI, I know, but your analogy ROCKS!
ReplyDeleteyou’ll be right back there at the track again next week thinking ‘weeee look how fast I am’ during that first interval.
ReplyDeleteThat is so me. It's sad. And I suck at intervals so I'm not even going fast. Boo hoo
Man, you are so right. And just in time. I have a date with intervals this week. We haven't seen each since September last year. I wonder if intervals has changed.
ReplyDeleteThat was hilarious. You totally just made my day!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI did intervals last night too, and yeah, the love affair was quick and dirty.
ReplyDeleteAnd this is why i don't do intervals....oh and maybe because I'm recovering from a knee injury or something like that
ReplyDeleteIntervals only hurts me when he drinks.
ReplyDeletegreat post! I also hate how intervals can take such a short distance (800m, come on!) and make it seem like forever, even make you questions whether the track is regulation size or not.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha!1!
ReplyDeleteViper is getting your sloppy seconds!
You should high-five yourself over that.
Unless, of course, he pleasures intervals better than you do. In that case, you might need the palm of your hand for ... something else.
Hysterical, but I sense you were spending valuable time on that image that could have been spent writing 600 words for me. Get to work!
ReplyDeletewhen i was in high school we had to do 32 200m intervals with 200m rest intervals one day and i nearly died. i love intervals.
ReplyDeleteWeird, I just wrote about this exact topic yesterday. It was the day of my "break up" with speed intervals. Hopefully not permanent, but we'll see if I can forgive him.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I took out that restraining order.
ReplyDeleteNow I don't do these short intervals. In fact, I only do mile repeats--then I don't even have to call them intervals.
But hey, I broke up with him.
You must be a rookie. For those of us who have done them for decades, we have no illusions of what's to come. They're the siren call of a dominatrix.
ReplyDeleteWhen done with a group, intervals -- the fast runs with the short break -- everyone is left bleary-eyed after the first couple. Someone says, "Ready" and off you go, hitting your watch. Again and again. When they're over, everyone gives a fist-jab.
intervals to suck, but oh, they suck so well. they make us proud later that night when we reminisce over the time we had. yes, we usually don't like them immediately after the time together, but oh, we do love them.
ReplyDeletenice pace on them though.
I can feel interval's eyes on me now. I took last week off and they are burning into my backside for tomorrow. They were so nice to begin with...just like honey...not anymore...but I can't live without them...talk about Codependent.
ReplyDeleteSo does the tag 'things that suck' refer to the intervals or you? Because you do keep going back for more. Just saying...
ReplyDeleteyeah I had my bi-weekly fling with intervals last night, she left me at the curb tied and beaten...can't wait for next week!
ReplyDeleteThat's one thing I do not agree about with the FIRST plan, is the amount of intervals that they have you doing.
ReplyDeleteI see little value in increasing your VO2, unless you're truly trying to focus on running a 5k or something shorter. Any race above a 5k, you shouldn't even be running near VO2 max.
You'll have better gains focusing on LT work and building endurance, but that is just my opinon.
Why did you gender assign Long Slow Distance as male? Do you want to tell us something?
ReplyDeleteIntervals definitely are the Chris Brown of our relationship. Too soon?
"Intervals definitely are the Chris Brown of our relationship."
ReplyDeleteNitmos posted my thought.
Nice post! I haven't been healthy enough to do intervals, but I look forward to this disfunctional relationship!
ReplyDeleteOhhhhh Vanilla that comment made me LMAO!
ReplyDeleteAs for intervals? We go through a breakup period for a good 3-4 months. It's the only way I can survive.
So, have you been wandering around in my head whenever I do track intervals? Sounds a whole lot like what I think every time -- love the first one because I'm fast and bad. But, everything goes downhill fast after that.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I don't get involved with intervals. Too needy.
ReplyDeleteI love intervals! We get along real well--maybe because I get off from the stomach turning sensation? Hills is where I have a shakey relationship.
ReplyDelete