Put Down the Mississippi Mud Pie

The results of the fattest state contest have been published and the big winners are... *drumroll*... everyone not residing in Mississippi. That’s right folks, there are as many overweight people as there are introductions involving the words cousin-slash-daughter in the state of Mississippi. (Come on you didn’t think I’d pass up the easy, overdone, cheapshot at the South did you?) As reported by That’s Fit, the state in which I reside (Colorado for those of you not paying attention) was predictably the leanest, no doubt bolstered by my presence here. As a member of the leanest, meanest state, allow me to offer some constructive advice to any fat eyeballs that might be tuning in from Mississippi: Less fried stuff, more running.

You can follow this link to view the full list of states and see how your state stacks up. Incidentally the list is remarkably similar to my hit count by state list. Colorado is generally one of the higher states and Mississippi is generally one of the states that yields fewer hits. You’re probably thinking that it makes sense that fitter states would be more likely to tune in to Half-Fast, and that’s what I originally thought too, until the reality of it set in: Reading Half-Fast directly leads to weight loss. It’s undeniable. Do you know what this means? We have to get the word out, the people have a right to know that the secret to weight loss has been right here all along. Just reading Half-Fast results in you losing weight, probably from the ab workout you get laughing at all my jokes. Spread the word: Half-Fast is better than the Atkins diet, more reliable than Weight Watchers, and has been SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to be more effective than doing nothing at all.

Disclaimer: Consult your physician before reading Half-Fast. Women who are nursing or pregnant should not sit too close to the keyboard while reading. Consuming alcohol while reading Half-Fast is highly recommended (the jokes seem funnier when you’re soused). Tingling and numbness on the left side of your head is expected and completely normal, but only on the left side. If the right side of your head experiences any tingling or numbness dial 9-1-1 immediately and induce vomiting. In extremely rare instances readers have reported strong urges to go for a run while reading Half-Fast but this can be overcome with copious amounts of alcohol or by slapping yourself in the face while yelling “Get a hold of yourself, man!” (Note, female readers might find it more effective to replace the word man with woman.) If you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours, you have left Half-Fast and moved on to other areas of the Internet, simply return to Half-Fast to curb arousal. DO NOT call your physician in this circumstance unless your physician is an attractive, single, female who will be duly impressed by your newfound stamina. If you experience swelling or a loss of sensation in your right hand you have probably become tangled up in the mouse cord, simply unwrap it from your wrist and go buy a wireless mouse. Overwhelming feelings of inferiority may result from reading Half-Fast but this is only because you are inferior to me, do not make any attempt to relieve these feelings as that would be discourteous to me. If you become irritated, temperamental or moody while reading Half-Fast then you are probably too uptight to visit this site in a sober state. In the event of an allergic reaction please remember that Half-Fast takes no responsibility in any matters, is never at fault and is always right. Always.