A New Blog

This is just a quick post to let everyone who’s still reading know that I’ve been invited to join a new parenting blog called Bottle Fed Parents. I’ll still be posting about running here on Half-Fast, in fact I’m currently working on a post about how horrible teenagers are which might seem like it would belong on a parenting blog but it’s not about my kids it’s about teenagers that I encountered while running so it’s running blog material.

I’ve also been roped in to a 5k by some coworkers so I’ll probably have an update about that sometime after the race is over. Office bragging rights are on the line.

That’s all for a later date though, the purpose of this post is to point you to Bottle Fed Parents where I’ll be joining Nitmos, Razz, and X-Country2 in cautionary tales of parenting.

Put Down the Mississippi Mud Pie

The results of the fattest state contest have been published and the big winners are... *drumroll*... everyone not residing in Mississippi. That’s right folks, there are as many overweight people as there are introductions involving the words cousin-slash-daughter in the state of Mississippi. (Come on you didn’t think I’d pass up the easy, overdone, cheapshot at the South did you?) As reported by That’s Fit, the state in which I reside (Colorado for those of you not paying attention) was predictably the leanest, no doubt bolstered by my presence here. As a member of the leanest, meanest state, allow me to offer some constructive advice to any fat eyeballs that might be tuning in from Mississippi: Less fried stuff, more running.

You can follow this link to view the full list of states and see how your state stacks up. Incidentally the list is remarkably similar to my hit count by state list. Colorado is generally one of the higher states and Mississippi is generally one of the states that yields fewer hits. You’re probably thinking that it makes sense that fitter states would be more likely to tune in to Half-Fast, and that’s what I originally thought too, until the reality of it set in: Reading Half-Fast directly leads to weight loss. It’s undeniable. Do you know what this means? We have to get the word out, the people have a right to know that the secret to weight loss has been right here all along. Just reading Half-Fast results in you losing weight, probably from the ab workout you get laughing at all my jokes. Spread the word: Half-Fast is better than the Atkins diet, more reliable than Weight Watchers, and has been SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to be more effective than doing nothing at all.

Disclaimer: Consult your physician before reading Half-Fast. Women who are nursing or pregnant should not sit too close to the keyboard while reading. Consuming alcohol while reading Half-Fast is highly recommended (the jokes seem funnier when you’re soused). Tingling and numbness on the left side of your head is expected and completely normal, but only on the left side. If the right side of your head experiences any tingling or numbness dial 9-1-1 immediately and induce vomiting. In extremely rare instances readers have reported strong urges to go for a run while reading Half-Fast but this can be overcome with copious amounts of alcohol or by slapping yourself in the face while yelling “Get a hold of yourself, man!” (Note, female readers might find it more effective to replace the word man with woman.) If you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours, you have left Half-Fast and moved on to other areas of the Internet, simply return to Half-Fast to curb arousal. DO NOT call your physician in this circumstance unless your physician is an attractive, single, female who will be duly impressed by your newfound stamina. If you experience swelling or a loss of sensation in your right hand you have probably become tangled up in the mouse cord, simply unwrap it from your wrist and go buy a wireless mouse. Overwhelming feelings of inferiority may result from reading Half-Fast but this is only because you are inferior to me, do not make any attempt to relieve these feelings as that would be discourteous to me. If you become irritated, temperamental or moody while reading Half-Fast then you are probably too uptight to visit this site in a sober state. In the event of an allergic reaction please remember that Half-Fast takes no responsibility in any matters, is never at fault and is always right. Always.

Dedication

Well, well, well. From your comments on my last post it appears that some of you don’t come to Half-Fast for your daily dose of introspection and reflection. I won’t stand for it. When you come to Half-Fast you’ll take what you’re given and you’ll enjoy it. If I want to ignore your predilections for Half-Fast and fill a post with reflection and introspection then I expect your respect-tion and possibly some genuflection. You WILL use the comments not for rejection or insurrection but to show me such a collection of affection pertaining to my perfection that it will blush my complexion and probably even give me an erection.

With that said I would like to suggest a statue in my honor here in Salt Lake City. I will file an official request with the city that they build a magnificent statue in my likeness that will be named Dedication. Let me tell you why.

On Wednesday I arose at 4:00 am in Denver, having logged 4 hours of sleep and caught an early flight to Salt Lake City. After a crazy day in the office, I went to my hotel to check in and crash for the night. It was during check-in that I realized it was still Wednesday, which meant that I had a run scheduled. I unpacked my case and found my running clothes. I did not find my sunglasses, probably because it was dark out when I left my house and I didn’t need them. In Salt Lake City however, it was sun- sun- sunny and 98 degrees (Fahrenheit, not the boy-band). Despite my lack of ocular protection and the stifling heat (you know it was hot because I said ‘sun- sun- sunny’) I was not dissuaded, but then I’m a pretty dedicated runner, and also a pretty, dedicated runner.

I reached into my bathroom bag for my sunblock, which is a stupid name because it doesn’t block the sun it blocks the UV. Alas, there was no UVblock to be found and I’m a pretty fair-skinned guy (also a pretty, fair-skinned guy) but I was not dissuaded because I’m a dedicated runner.

When I went down to the stylish lobby I found a number of stylish people taking part in the hotel’s stylish “Wine Hour.” For those of you who aren’t Mensa candidates this is an hour of free wine, and they really prefer that you not refer to it as “All You Can Drink Happy Hour.” With only 30 minutes left in “Wine Hour” I knew that the wine would cease flowing before my run did, but I was not dissuaded because I’m a dedicated runner.

When I stepped outside the hotel and turned on my Garmin it could not find the satellites, probably because we were 1,000 feet further from the satellites than we usually are. It was as if the Garmin was begging me to go back inside and drink wine, but I was not dissuaded because I’m a dedicated runner.

Dedication is my middle name. (And also the name of my statue as soon as the city approves it, should be any day now.) I’m telling you guys, the things that I overcame to go on a run yesterday make Helen Keller’s struggles look like Paris Hilton’s day at the spa.

Reflections of a Runner

I’ve been running for a little over 3 years now, which is long enough for any self-absorbed, oxygen-usurper like me to feel like a little introspection is in order. As a pre-pubescent teen growing up in England I was given the option of going out for the cross country team, (“Oi, not bloody likely mate!”) or going out for the rugby team (“Right-oh then, where do I sign up for the running?”). I chose cross country, and despite the fact that I only did it for a few years before switching to another sport I’ve always liked running. I suspect that it may also have something to do with the fact that my Dad used to run a lot when I was younger. I always remember eating breakfast with him after he finished one of his runs, and how he’d be all sweaty while we choked down kippers and porridge, or maybe black pudding or toast with marmalade, which is obviously one of the lesser culinary atrocities that the Brits foisted upon us.

As far back as I can remember when the urge to exercise has struck, running has always been the activity that I’ve turned to, but it wasn’t until three years ago that it finally stuck. Three years ago I stopped saying that I was going to run the Bolder Boulder 10K ‘next year’ and I signed up for the race. I arrogantly anticipated that I’d just be able to go out and run 10 minute miles. After a few 4 mile training runs I realized that 10 minute miles were a long shot at best and I began a habit that has proven valuable in my running career to this very day: I lowered my expectations. My new goal was to run the whole distance without walking, and I succeeded to the tune of a 10:42 pace. (1:06:33 finish time.)

I determined that I was going to get faster and I believed that it was possible, not because I’m the kind of guy that can “achieve anything I set my mind to” or because “I believe in myself” mostly just because I have one of those fabulous male egos (seriously ladies, you should look into getting one). I like to think that I’m modestly vain. I don’t tend to be outwardly boastful (in person, anyway) or make claims that I’m the best, but internally I believe the hype. Internally, I don’t wonder “if” I’ll be able to run a 40 minute 10K someday, I wonder “when” that day will be.

Over the last 3 years I have gone from running the Bolder Boulder 10K in 1:06:33 (10:42 pace) to running it in 52:07 (8:24 pace), but it never seems to be good enough. Three years ago a 52 minute 10K sounded like an incredibly fast time, but now that I’ve accomplished it, it sounds less impressive. I’m just never satisfied (that’s what she said) with my race times anymore. If running is a woman then I’m it’s nitpicking mother complaining that “yes he’s a doctor, but it’s not like he’s a heart surgeon or anything!”

I’ve come along way, but I’ve still got a long way to go.

Site News

I’ve added a new feature to Half-Fast and I wanted to draw your attention to it instead of letting you fumble through the site and find it by yourselves. Sometimes you guys can be so slow. Anyway now that I’ve insulted you, let me tell you about the new feature and why I need your help. Hopefully you should see a little green icon at the bottom of all of my posts and the words ‘ShareThis.’ I’m not quite sure what it does, but I see it all over the place and thought I needed one. The ShareThis website assured me that “you’re allowing your army of users to spread your content all over the web,” and also that “you’ll satisfy her for hours with your enormous trouser monster.” Actually I might be mixing that last one up with an e-mail I received. Let’s hope that the ShareThis website is more truthful than those lying emails eh?

The idea here is to make me Half-Fast more popular. Whenever you see something you like, share it. It’s that simple. What’s in it for you? Well, when Half-Fast gets to be a huge internet conglomerate with thousands of comments on each post you can tell everyone that you were a reader before it was popular to be a reader. You’ll be like one of those annoying people who like to tell everyone that they knew about Dave Matthews Band before DMB became famous. Plus, whenever a new commenter comes along and asks a stupid question you can totally roll your eyes and exclaim “rookie,” or “noob!” Sounds like fun, right?

To steal a quote right off the banner image at Hollywood Flakes, “You read my blog. You like it. You tell your friends. They tell theirs. I get famous. I get rich. I give you a million bucks.”

If you were hoping for something running related in today’s post, then you can read my post over at CRN which is about chip timed races. It also has a ShareThis button at the end.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Here we are only three days and two posts into 2008 and I’m going to take a break from writing about running to tell you about a new blog that I have started. Of late I have been writing down some stories about my two boys so that I don’t forget them, the stories not the boys. I want to be sure to have some good material to use at their weddings.

In order to demonstrate why I love my boys and to really capture how I feel about them the site is named Daddy’s Little Tax Credits. I realize that the target demographic for this site is slightly different, and there are many of you here who probably don’t care to read about all the crazy things that my kids do, but I wanted to mention it anyway.

Don’t worry, it will not take time away from my posting here at Half-Fast. My goal is to post something once a week or maybe once every couple of weeks over at Daddy’s Little Tax Credits. I was originally going to keep the site for my family only, but some of the stories needed to be shared with the world. That’s one of the things you get to do as a parent - embarrass your kids.

If you have kids I think you’ll be able to relate, if you don’t it will serve as a deterrent, and if you’re pregnant it will probably make you cry a lot. Head on over and check it out. Daddy’s Little Tax Credits.

By the way, this is the 200th post at Half-Fast. It passes with a lot less fanfare than the 100th post did.

The Requisite “Year In Review” Post

If you write a blog or a column or are the programming director for a TV station then you know that the easiest way to fill in content at this time of the year when you probably don’t feel like working is to do the “Year In Review” thing. You might call it ‘the best of’ or ‘the worst of’ or the ‘top 10 moments in 2007’ but it’s all the same thing. It’s an easy post/TV show. You talk a little about some significant events, you link to those articles/show old footage, you reminisce, and then you wrap up by talking about the upcoming year. Hey presto! You’ve got yourself a blog post.

This is my “2007: Year in Review” post. The only difference between my review and all the others you will read is that I’m sexier than everyone else that’s doing it, but since I won’t be posting any pictures of myself in this entry I guess that doesn’t really matter.

On April 1st, 2007 I started Half-Fast. I felt that April Fools Day was an appropriate date for what I had in mind for this blog and I stand by that decision. The only bad thing about it is that when Half-Fast turns one on April 1st 2008 I won’t know whether to do a celebratory post or an April Fools Day joke post. Ahhh, who am I kidding? I’m going for the joke post all the way. Half-Fast has turned out pretty much exactly the way I envisioned it and I look forward to bigger and better things in the coming year so be sure to stay tuned.

Over this past year my thoughts on running have changed as dramatically as my goals have. My original profile on this blog stated that I intended to run only the Bolder Boulder 10K every year, as I had done the previous 2 years. Of the 3 years that I’ve been a runner, this has been the year that I’ve taken it more seriously than before. This is the first year I have entered other races, and is the first year that I’ve followed any kind of training plan that included speedwork or tempo runs. I ran my first half marathon this year in under 2 hours, looking back this is probably what I am most proud of as a runner. I’m also proud of the fact that every race this year was a PR, admittedly some by default, but I continue to improve as a runner and hope to continue this trend through 2008.

Also, I never thought I’d run a marathon, but now I can see one on the distant horizon. Yes, just one.

100 Posts

This is the 100th post on Half-Fast since I started the site back on April Fools Day (tell me that isn't an appropriate launch date). Back on Friday I proclaimed that the 100th post here at Half-Fast was going to be big, and ever since then I've been racking my brains trying to figure out what to do for this post. Then it came to me while I was watching an old episode of Friends. It was a clip show. I hate clip shows. A clip show is one of those episodes where one member of the cast says to another "those were good times weren't they?" Then both actors act like they're thinking about the 'good times' and for the next half hour they proceed to show you clips of previous episodes to illustrate the 'good times.' I hate this because I've already seen all those episodes and I wanted some new original funny, not highlights of past funny. Nevertheless, my 100th post will be a clip show, I'm not giving you any new funny, just highlights of previous funny. I assume that most of you here reading this post have not been here since the beginning so maybe you'll get to read something new anyway.

The funniest post: That Wasn't Me You Saw Running – This is probably my all time favorite post. Honorable mention in the category of funniest post: 9 Types Of Runs, Running Dad and To the police officer who almost ran me over in the crosswalk.

Most creative post: Excuses. This is a poem that I wrote based on my take of Shel Silverstein's classic children's poem Sick.

My wife's favorite post: Running Mad. (Wow, look how much shorter my posts used to be.)

Posts with funny video's that are worth your time: Idiot vs Treadmill, Treadmills are for Hamsters, and of course this past Friday's video was pretty good too.

Posts containing useful information and facts:

Posts containing pictures of Vanilla: Bolder Boulder Race Report, Things Only I Find Interesting.

Most embarrassing thing I've done since I started Half-Fast: Entering the Hottest Male Blogger Contest. Yes it's just as geeky as it sounds. Think of it like a Mr. Universe contest only without all the oiled up muscles and with 90% more pocket protectors and horn-rimmed glasses. In case you're wondering why you've never heard about me entering the Hottest Male Blogger Contest it's because I was too embarrassed to admit to it at the time and I lost in the first round. Ouch!

Looking back over all these posts makes it seem like it's been such a long time, but I still remember my first comment from a non-family member. I remember I used to get excited when I got 3 comments on one post. Now I want more, I'm never satisfied. I want 20 plus comments on every post, and when I get there, I'll want 30 plus comments on every post. I want to rule the blogs. "One Blog to rule them all, One Blog to find them, One Blog to bring them all and in the darkness bind them." That's my new goal. Screw running and getting faster, I want to be Lord of the Blogs.

While I'm on the subject of comments let me assure you that I do read ALL of your comments. I actually have blogger set up to e-mail me every comment that is posted, so even if you go back and comment on a post from 3 months ago, I still read it. I love all your comments. I crave comments, even if it is just a simple "hello". I especially love funny comments. Ali, Amy, Pat, jkrunning, Marcy, and many others, you guys make me laugh all the time. So, keep the funny comments coming, even the one's that make fun of me. Make fun of my running, make fun of my writing, I don't care. I poke fun at a lot of things on this site without intending to be taken seriously and I don't ever take offense to any comments you leave. I love them all, whether it's a full blown analysis of my post, a long story you just have to share or a quick "lol." So, now that I've just declared open season on myself... have at it. What are your favorite posts? What are your least favorite posts?

I Completed my First 10 Mile Run

Of course you already knew that if you read my Personal Running Log post below, but I assume that no one else reads those and I post them mostly for my own reference. I’m not sure how that is different than any of the other posts here but there you have it. My training plan called for a 10 mile run and I’ve been doing my long runs at roughly a 10 min/mile pace. I finished this one in 1hr 43min and I was pretty tired at the end of it but it felt good to have run the full 10 miles.

At about mile 8 I was starting to really labor, when some young kid (probably 16 or 17 years old) overtook me. He had his hat on backwards, his shirt off, and probably less total body fat than I have in one leg. He was moving swiftly and gracefully, or I was just plodding along, probably both. It was fantastic.

Just then, the song I was listening to ended and ‘Til I Collapse by Eminem came on. It’s one of my power songs. All of a sudden my legs didn’t feel as tired, my lungs were filled with air, and I started reeling him back in. Now, I’d love to be able to describe how I caught up to this young kid, but my renewed surge lasted all of 15 strides. Cooler heads prevailed, or perhaps it was just fatigue that prevailed. I’d already gone 8 miles and I had to keep telling myself that today’s workout was about endurance, not speed. If I wanted to last for 2 more miles I was going to have to keep a measured pace. (Incidentally, a ‘measured pace’ is just something slow people say).

So I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and I kept on at my ‘measured pace’. About a half a mile down the path I came around a blind corner and there’s young Hasty McFleetfoot standing still with his head over his knees, catching his breath. He’s turned around on the trail and is on his way back. He looks up and sees me, and instantly he’s running again. Vindicated!

If there’s one thing that writing this blog has taught me it’s that apparently I have vanity issues when I’m running. Who knew?