Half-Fast Friday: Virtual Race Report

Shouldn’t a virtual race be one that I get to run virtually? You know like on Wii Fit or something? I feel like I was conned when I signed up for this thing. Nevertheless, last night I went out and ran an actual 6.66 miles as part of Razz’s GW,MA!6.66MR. My FIRST training schedule called for a 7 mile run last night (1 easy, 2 tempo, 1 easy, 2 tempo, 1 easy) and I certainly contemplated just running 6.66 miles as fast as I could but ended up sticking to the suggested pacing. Far be it from me to question the authority of FIRST.

Yes, that means that my virtual race had 2.66 miles of easy running sprinkled throughout it but I think that was necessary for the following three reasons: 1. You can’t boast about being faster than me because I was taking it easy. 2. I’m lazy. 3. It was important to show a certain amount of disdain for Razz’s virtual race and what better way to do that than by throwing in a few apathetic miles.

The Results: 6.66 miles in 59:12, that’s an 8:54 pace. Meh.

Because no race report is ever complete without some excuses I feel like I should also mention that I’m still getting over a cold so I didn’t have a lot of energy for this race and it was really windy and it was hilly and it was at altitude. Basically what I’m trying to say is that my race was tougher than your race, but good job on beating me if you did. Bully for you. Try to not let the fact that I was throwing in easy miles tarnish your victory.

Enjoy the weekend, everyone!

Streak Update

I thought it would be nice if I used pictures of different streakers each time I gave a streak update and since the last Streakapalooza post featured a man streaking this one features a woman. Quick lesson for all you current and future streakers out there: If you’re going to streak a sporting event then do it right and remove all your clothes. Streaking in your underwear is like sending out those e-mails promising naked Jessica Biel pictures that end up downloading viruses to my computer, at first you’re all excited and filled with hope but then it’s nothing but disappointment. It would be like Googling “naked Jessica Biel pictures” and winding up and some stupid running blog. See how disappointed you are.

So far I’ve run every day in the month of June except today, but fear not I still have plenty of time to get in today’s run. Actually, I’m supposed to meet some folks after work tonight at the Rio for dinner and yes, you guessed it, margaritas! (I think whenever you write margaritas! it should have an exclamation point behind it.) I’m either going to have to leave work a little early to get my run in or try to run on the treadmill tonight after dinner and margaritas! Either way it sounds like a good time.

For the first week or so it was kind of fun to try and run every day but the novelty is definitely starting to wear off. The one thing that it has done is made me more dedicated to finding time to run. For example if the above situation would have occurred last month I would have already postponed today’s run in order to order some margaritas! and spicy Mexican food, instead I find myself figuring out how to run despite the other things that are going on. Don’t worry too much though, in true Half-Fast spirit I’m certain that once we hit July I’ll be back to postponing runs at the drop of a hat, especially if it’s my running hat. Can you imagine running in a hat that had just been dropped on the ground and was all dirty? Ewww, gross! You would have to wash the hat first and let it dry which would put your running on hold for at least a couple of days. Man, I wish July would hurry up and get here, I am just bubbling with good excuses not to run!

Race Goals and Pipe Dreams

As you already know, Candis and I will be running the Bolder Boulder on Monday. If you too will be celebrating Memorial Day by cursing at your alarm clock and then running 10,000 meters feel free to stop by and say hello to us after the race. Unless of course, you’re rising early and running 10,000 meters somewhere that’s not in Boulder, CO, then don’t bother stopping by to say hello because that’s just going to waste your Memorial Day. We’ll be in the lower half of section 108 drinking beer at 8:30 in the morning (now I remember why I like running so much). Just look around until you see a couple that looks like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie because if there’s a couple there that looks like that, there’s a pretty good chance we’ll be sitting behind them, staring. Or just look for us, that might be easier. I’d tell you what we’ll be wearing but do you really think we plan what we’re wearing that far in advance? OK you’re right, we totally do. I’ll be wearing a black and grey CU shirt and Candis will either be wearing a pink shirt or her Kiss My Asthma shirt. Also, don’t be fooled by amateur imitators who are only running 5,000 meters on Memorial Day. Get that weaksauce outta’ here!

Goals
I’ve already stated my goal is to run a sub 50 minute 10K but Candis’ goal of a sub 60 minute 10K has remained a secret up until roughly 3 seconds ago when I JUST SAID IT! Maybe 8 seconds ago for some of you slower readers. I also mentioned earlier this week (Bolder Boulder Week!) that there would be an advanced handicapping system that would allow Candis to compete against me. Originally I thought we could take the first place men’s and women’s finish times from last year and use the difference as a deduction from Candis’ time but it turns out that I thought that without really thinking much and the difference is obviously not big enough to make us even. (It’s only 3 to 4 minutes.) Since our goal times are exactly 10 minutes apart I’m going to attempt to finish 10 minutes ahead of Candis (hey, just like in the bedroom!) and she’s going to try to finish less than 10 minutes behind me. See, I told you it was an advanced handicapping system, well it was advanced for you 8 second people. Basically it will come down to who beats their goal by the most, or maybe, who misses their goal by the least. Loser has to have sex with the winner. (I just threw that in there to see if Candis was paying attention.)

I ran some intervals last night to see how my g-g-groin injury responded to speed and there was virtually no pain at all. It was a little tender this morning so I’m just going to make sure and rest for a couple of days before the race. I’m pretty sure it won’t be a problem on race day but if you think for one second that I won’t use it as an excuse come Tuesday morning then you’ve seriously misunderestimated me. Although... it wouldn’t hurt to have a back-up excuse at the ready since I’ve kind of confessed that the g-g-groin injury shouldn’t be a problem. Hmmm, maybe I could use one of these excuses... or maybe I’ll eat some spicy Mexican food the night before the race.

G-g-groin Injury

About a week ago I pulled my groin and it felt so good I’ve been doing it everyday since! Hi-yo! No seriously, somehow I strained my groin muscle last week but I’ve been fortunate in that it hasn’t really hampered me too much. However, last night while I was playing rec league softball I managed to reinjure it. I’m going to do a couple more easy runs this week leading up to the Bolder Boulder and hope that I’m shipshape by Monday. Some of you may be thinking that it is extremely unfortunate that I injured myself the week before a race but then you people aren’t paying attention to my M.O. Now I have the perfect excuse for failing to meet my race goal. I mentioned yesterday that you should be on the look out for some good excuses this week but I had no idea that I would find one so quickly.

Actually I don’t think the injury is going to slow me down at all as I seem to be OK running on it. So why bring it up? Well, it was a good excuse to post this video of Sam Malone (Cheers) rapping about a g-g-groin injury. I cannot hear the words ‘groin injury’ without thinking of it.

Enjoy.


Sam Malone - I On Sports

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Well, maybe ye shan’t but that’s because ye have such little faith (and such small readerships). I however, asked for some YakTrax a few months ago in this post and now I have a pair. Technically I don’t think I asked for a pair of YakTrax in that post, as much as I cursed YakTrax for not sending me a free pair but what’s important is that someone at YakTrax read that post and sent me a free pair! You may catch more flies with honey but you get more free swag with vinegar, and really, who wants to catch flies?

I actually received the YakTrax a month ago but we haven’t had enough snow for me to try them out. You East Coasters are so lucky! I was getting pretty sick of all the sunshine and 60 - 70 degree temperatures so this past weekend I went in search of some snow and I found some up at Grand Lake, CO (elev. 8,500 feet). I pulled on my free Pearl Izumi shoes and my free YakTrax and headed out for my run on a frigid 50 degree morning. The skies were clear, the air was fresh and my feet had more traction than a congressional bill laced with a congressional pay raise.

I was pretty cautious at first, not wanting to put too much confidence in my new YakTrax and end up on my delicate tushie. However after a half mile I had completely forgotten that I was running on snow and ice. I raced up hills on my toes and I barreled down them at full speed without even the slightest hint of slippage. Usually when I run on snow and ice I have to run with a shorter, more careful stride, but that’s simply not the case when you’re wearing a free pair of YakTrax. (I obviously don’t know how it is when you wear a pair of YakTrax that you’ve paid money for but I assume it would be similar.) People out walking their dogs gazed on in wonder at the sure-footed runner with the magnificent stride, I was a thing of beauty.

I didn’t ever notice the snow building up on the YakTrax, which I had suspected might be a problem so they must have used some NASA space technology to prevent that from happening. I had also thought that I might be able to feel the coils beneath my feet when I ran, but that was not an issue either. All in all I am very impressed with the stability provided by the YakTrax. Really the only downside is that I can no longer use “it was pretty slippery out there” as an excuse for a slow run, I guess I’m going to have to stick with the old “it was at an elevation of 8,500 feet” and the trusty “I didn’t really fuel properly” and then there’s always the reliable “it was too windy” that I can fall back on. One thing I don’t need someone to give me for free is excuses, I’ve got plenty of those to go around.

Getting Back on the Wagon

Can someone please give me a hand back up onto the running bandwagon? I seem to be having some problems getting motivated and given that I’ve only run 9 miles since the marathon I don’t have much to write about. I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank text box for a while trying to come up with ideas but I’m feeling totally RazZDoodle’d. Yesterday, I was determined to run. I set my mind to it while the day was still young and even left work a little early so that I would have plenty of daylight remaining.

But then I arrived home, and there was a little bit of wind and I was all “Well I hate the wind and I don’t have a race coming up so maybe I could skip another day of running,” and my wife, bless her heart was all “I ran 7 miles on the treadmill today, you could use the treadmill like I did,” and I had to fight really hard to stop myself from doing that thing that kids do where they repeat what you just said but in a squeaky, high-pitched voice like they’re mimicking you. So I just kind of procrastinated a little until it started to get close to dinner time and then I asked my wife what she was making for dinner in a totally loving and not at all chauvinistic way, because sometimes if she’s making something that isn’t very exciting it makes me want to go run just to take my mind off the fact that dinner isn’t going to be exciting tonight. Anyway, Candis told me that she was making guacamole and that we were going to be having tacos, then as if it just occurred to her she was all “Oh, and if you like I could whip up a pitcher of margaritas” and all of a sudden running was totally out of the question. I guess the point I’m driving at here is that margaritas go really well with chips and guacamole, don’t they? And also that I didn’t run last night because when your choices are ‘running’ or ‘margaritas and Mexican food’ then you take the margaritas and Mexican food and you don’t look back.

I didn’t run this morning before work either, because I had margaritas and Mexican food last night and that’s not conducive to getting up at the butt-crack of dawn and running. So, perhaps I’ll run tonight or perhaps I’ll come up with another excuse, stay tuned tomorrow to find out what happens. (Speaking of excuses, you can win free stuff over at the Runners’ Lounge if you can come up with creative excuses like me.)

Finally, I apologize for that second paragraph up there, I just went back and read it and I think my writing might have slipped back to a grade school level because it sounds an awful lot like those posts featuring the literary stylings of a young Vanilla and I don’t want to go back to those habits where I avoided periods (or full stop’s as we called them in England) like I’m now avoiding running, but now that I think of it, I guess maybe this is just the circle of life coming full circle, so to speak. Whatever that means.

You’re Hurt Because You’re Weak!

[a post by Candis]

Remember this post? It’s payback time!

As you all know from Ian’s last post he hurt his widdle knee on his long run last weekend.

Ian took his usual hour to prepare for his run Saturday. He mixed potions, calculated gels, went out on the back deck and then put on gloves, went out on the front porch and then took off his gloves, set up his private water station at the street and triumphantly announced he would return in an impressive 2 hours and 40 minutes (while we could also see him at his water stops). He bounded down the street while 2 PJ clad boys screamed “run blazing fast Daddy!” maybe they should have shouted “Don’t bust a knee Daddy!”

Tick, tick, tick... 45 minutes gone and the phone rang. I knew who it was and knew he needed a ride. Let’s just say it’s happened before. It’s a bad habit someone started. “Something’s really wrong. I can’t put weight on my knee... wait, let me try to run some more (genius)... argggg! Can you come get me?”

“Boys! Gotta’ go get Dad.” They jump in the car without so much as a question (normal).

All the way home, Ian showed his calmness and played down the injury. “I missed another run this week because of that dinner and now I owe RazZDoodle a beer and I probably won’t be able to go long next week, my marathon training is ruined!”

All day Saturday and all day Sunday Ian sulked around the house and used his “injury” to get out of being a useful human being. I thought he was really, really injured. “Oh, I wonder when you can get in to the doctor to get that looked at,” I asked worriedly.
“It’s not serious enough to warrant a trip to the doctor’s office,” but it was serious enough that he was unable to get up and get a beer. It was serious enough that he couldn’t stand to make chocolate milk for the boys. It affected his ability to think. He couldn’t even remember for himself when he had last taken Advil! “Honey, can I take more Advil yet? Do you remember what time I took it?”

Why is it that men are such babies about getting hurt or injured? I’ve never heard a grown man complain so much about how cold an ice pack was. Ya, it’s ice, it’s supposed to be freezing.

Don’t even get me started on his FBNH recovery system or whatever he called it. It was more like CLAW- Complaining, Loafing, Advil and Whining. (At least mine actually makes a word.)

This is all very suspect. It’s convenient that Ian got injured at the start of the weekend. He had to rest during football- all 7 games that we watched.

Hey, Ian was right -for once- it is fun to mock other people’s pain!

Chicked on my Long Run

It’s been a while since anyone overtook me on one of my training runs, it’s been even longer since a chick did it. However, on Saturday morning after my long run I found myself resetting my consecutive-days-without-getting-chicked counter back to zero. It happened early on in my twelve miler, which gave me over an hour to reflect on what a failure I was, and also to think up some good excuses for why it happened.

I was right around the 3 mile mark when I heard footsteps behind me and I knew instantly that I was beaten. The chick’s heels never touched the ground as she pranced past me displaying the air of superiority that I usually like to exude. She looked kind of manish, and should have expected that I’d describe her in such a manner regardless of whether or not it was true. She bounced along ahead of me in a singlet and short running shorts, obviously a seasoned runner from the lack of anything resembling body fat. Seriously ladies, you’d have hated her, but it doesn’t matter because I hated her enough for all of us.

My first excuse thought was that she was running at a faster pace because she was only running a mile or two. However, she was wearing a fuel belt that indicated otherwise. Next it occurred to me that she was doing quarter mile intervals and that I’d witness her stop or slow down shortly, but that never happened. Finally I concluded that there were only three possible explanations for her overtaking me:

1. Steroids, and lots of them.
2. She was some type of running cyborg sent here from the future by my future self to motivate me to run faster. I’m clever like that, at least I will be in the future.
3. Some combination of 1 and 2.

It’s that simple. So if you’re a woman and think that you’re faster than me you might want to get a blood test or an x-ray to make sure that you’re not unwittingly on the juice or actually a robot. If both of those come up negative then I hate to tell you this, but you’re a man.

Other than that little snafu, my long run went really well. I was able to push the pace down under 8:50 miles for the last part of the run which was very encouraging, and I felt pretty good. I’m feeling good about my chances for a PR in the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon in 2 weeks, but I’ll have more on that at a later date.

Getting Back on the Wagon

To say that I’ve fallen off the running wagon over the last couple of weeks would be an understatement. In true Half-Fast style, I dove headlong from the wagon with wild abandon and then shoved it over a ravine. I’m cringing at the thought of having to post my June running log because it will expose me as the slacker that I am. I suppose that I could point out how it might be beneficial to take a week or two away from running in order to recharge my legs but if this were an intentional break I would have been doing some sort of cross training to maintain my fitness.

The good news here is that I’m back to running again. I realize that I never really told you that I had stopped running, and in a way I didn’t. I just had other things get in the way like 10 year anniversary celebrations, and sleeping in. I never really “skipped” any runs I just postponed them, I still have 5 or 6 of them from the past two weeks that I’m planning on catching up on. Maybe I’ll do them all at once.

This week is going to be tough as I’m back at work after a week off and I have a lot of e-mails that I’m ignoring right now in order to write this post. I’ll also be traveling to Salt Lake City on business for a couple of days but I’m determined not to miss postpone any more runs so if any of you know any good places to run in SLC then be sure to let me know in the comments. Also, if anyone knows where I can get my hands on some coffee in SLC that would be helpful, because I couldn’t find a Starbucks to save my life last time I was there.

Set Bowels to Liquefy

Well, there’s no other way to put it: I’ve got the squirts. Actually I suppose there might be another way to put it, a more polished way of letting you all know that my excrement flows from my posterior like my prose flows onto the page, but that just wouldn’t be my style. It also begs the question of why I felt the need to let you all know about the fluidity of my bowel movements and the answer is two-fold like my wallet.

1. It pertains to my upcoming race because I’ve dropped two pounds in the last 24 hours which can only help me accomplish my goal in my upcoming 10K right? Less weight to carry = faster race. If I can stay sick right up until Sunday then I might lose 12-15 lbs. Score!
2. It makes for a fantastic excuse if I don’t make my 50 minute goal. Pay attention all of you who are rookie runners, you can learn from this. I set my goal in yesterday’s post, and in today’s post I am already preparing my excuses in case I fail. I have upper management written all over me.

Well that’s all for today because I’ve got to go. I mean I really have to go, I feel a fart coming on and that’s far too dangerous an endeavor to attempt unless I’m seated on the throne.

Warning: This post contains some disturbing mental images and probably should not be read during lunchtime.

Note: The above warning should be read before reading the rest of the post.

Excuses

"I cannot run this race today,"
Said Half-Fast, while in bed he lay.
"I pulled my hamstring and my groin,
I have a serious swelling in every loin.
My feet are blistered, my ankle's sprained,
And what if I have over-trained?
My arches have fallen to the floor,
My body feels like it's ninety-four,
I've got shin splints, athlete's foot and stitches,
And now my kneecap really itches.
My heel is burdened by Achilles Tendonitis,
Or it might just be Plantar Fasciitis,
Either way I should stay at home,
And not risk Patellofemoral Syndrome.
My feet are too slow, my legs are too fast,
And what if I keep getting passed?
I once heard that running can cause arthritis,
I'm already developing Hip Bursitis.
My quad's are too loose, my hamstring's too tight,
My left leg's faster than my right.
My calves have turned a dark shade of orange,
I got my toe caught in a door-hinge,
It caused a muscle tear, just partial,
And I know it broke my metatarsal.
I have Iliotibial Band Syndrome, or I.B.S.
And look! My hair is such an awful mess.
I dislocated my funny bone,
I'm sure I suffer from Plica Syndrome,
I have Tennis Elbow, and my belly is -- what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today's the scheduled pre-race rest day?
G'bye, I’m off to carbo-load and eat soufflé."

Inspired by Shel Silverstein's poem 'Sick' which can be found in the book 'Where The Sidewalk Ends'. The orange/door hinge rhyme didn't work so well, but I've always wanted to try to rhyme something with orange and that was the best I could do. Yes, I know that Iliotibial Band Syndrome is technically shortened to 'ITBS' but 'I BS' seemed a much more apt abbreviation for my purposes. What are you a doctor?