Running Infographic: Men vs. Women

You know what the problem is with all these infographics? It’s that they’re too easy to consume. They’re put together with lots of pretty pictures to distract you and then lazy bloggers post them because it makes for a fun, easy post with minimal writing involved. We just accept everything we see on these charts as FACT and that’s a dangerous thing to do, which is why I did a lot of research before posting the infographic below. OK, that’s a blatant lie. I just ooooohhed and aaaaahhed at the pretty colors and posted it without a second thought. That’s how I roll here at Half-Fast.

Enjoy.


Brought to you by Running Music 
So, why did they title it Sports Bras vs. Speedos? Who runs in Speedos? I might have to try it, they’ve got to be more comfortable than running in these cargo shorts.

The Long Con

Yesterday I concluded a two part April Fools’ Day joke. After posting an April Fools’ day joke the previous two years I knew that some of you might suspect something and needed a way to throw you off the scent. I came up with the idea of the multi-day fool a couple of years ago when another blog I read (Cynical Dad) pulled it off to perfection with a 3 day story, concluding on April 1st. (You see how I both credited the original source AND took credit for the idea in that last sentence? There’s a fine line between Ian and genius and I just blurred it.) However, three days of foolery sounded like a lot of work so naturally I cut it down to two, that’s the way I roll here at Half-Fast. (It’s still cool to say “that’s how I roll,” right?)

As with any good lie, large portions of the story were true. In fact, everything I wrote in Act 1 was true, and a large part of Act 2 was true. I’ve gone back through yesterday’s post and changed the text color to red on any part that was NOT true, but if you’re too lazy to re-read it I’ll give a quick summation. The kid and most of his antics were real, although I may have over-emphasized how annoying he was. I never actually said anything to the kid but I did roll my eyes and sigh a lot to express my annoyance like the mature adult that I am. After ten minutes in the fitness center the kid left and never came back, and I never met his father and I’ve still never fallen off a treadmill and I NEVER WILL! Also, I have no idea how I will follow this up next year. Perhaps I’ll fool you all by confessing to some heinous thing that I did and telling you on April 1st, but the joke will be that it’s all true and no one will believe me. Gotcha! Or maybe I’ll make up a funny April Fools’ story, but post it on March 1st when no one’s expecting it. Oh, that’s a good one. ZING!!

A lot of people hate April Fools’ Day, not me, I love it. I’m suspicious of everything on April 1st. “Well I have a green light, but maybe this is an elaborate joke and we all have a green light? I should just sit here so I don’t look like a fool.” I cannot be had, do you hear me? OK, occasionally someone gets me and I love it even more when that happens. Well played, good sir.

Yesterday my favorite running related pranks were the Boston Marathon lowering their qualifying times and Gu adding some delicious new flavors recapped here by Steve. Liver ‘n’ Onions anyone? My least favorite one was Xenia’s since it was posted before mine and alerted some of you to what I was doing.

UPDATE: According to Mike at Running Is Funny the Boston Marathon pulled no such prank. Apparently it was a fake site that had everyone up in arms over the new lower qualifying times and the Boston Athletic Association is none to thrilled and looking to take legal action.

Half-Fast Hits the Deuce

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of Half-Fast and the beginning of the next phase for this humble little blog. Yes, I said humble and I even kept a straight face when I said it. Despite what you might think from the random subject matter and the haphazard posting schedule, I have always had big plans for this blog. There has always been a specific, written strategy for this blog that I’ve admittedly tinkered with and changed over the last 2 years but for the most part I’ve stuck to it and I’m excited to tell you about the next phase.

I am pleased to announce a couple of changes today that will make the site a lot better, one of them will make it better for you and the other will make it better for me. Actually in a roundabout way they'll both make it better for me but I thought that you guys would feel special if I indicated that one of the changes was for you. What are those changes? I’m glad you asked.

First of all, Nitmos from Feet Meet Street has agreed to come on board and help with posting duties here at Half-Fast. In fact, one of the reasons that you haven’t seen him over at FMS recently is because he and I have been working out the details of his new role here and how we’ll work together to make Half-Fast as gooder as possible (his words not mine). This means that the number of posts here at Half-Fast is probably going to increase significantly and the productivity coming out of your office is probably going to suffer. Nitmos will still post occasionally at FMS but the bulk of his posts going forward will be found here.

Secondly, (and this is the part that will primarily benefit me and Nitmos) in the very near future we will begin posting some premium content, meaning content that will require a nominal monthly fee in order to view. Think of it like ESPN’s INsider content, except that this will be totally worth paying for. We haven’t decided on what the premium content subscription fee will be, but rest assured it will be less than the coffee you bought this morning on your way in to work. We also haven’t decided how many posts will initially be considered premium content, but as time progresses it will likely get closer and closer to 100 percent. We’ll try to make this as painless as possible for you since we don’t want to lose any readers and we may even give away some free lifetime subscriptions when we make the switch to premium content. Stay tuned for more details about this process.

I’ve always aspired to draw some type of income from Half-Fast (look around you at all the ads) and while I’ve never had any delusions that I would be able to quit my day job I think that this is a step in the right direction. Speaking of the ads, once you become a premium subscriber you will no longer be subjected to them any more so that’s just one more reason that you should sign up to become a premium subscriber.

Join me in welcoming Nitmos into the fold and help me give myself a big pat on the back for blogging for 2 years.

And to Think That I Saw It on My Long Run

When I leave for my long run my wife always tells me,
“Honey, keep your eyelids up and see what you can see.”
But when I return all agog, with a great post for my blog,
She sternly tells me, “Your eyesight’s too keen, like a wary guard dog.”
“Stop telling such outlandish tales. Stop turning minnows into whales.”

Now what can I blog about when I get home today?
All the way to the lake and all the way back,
I’ve looked and I’ve looked and I’ve kept careful track.
But all that I’ve noticed, while running ahead,
Was a woman with a bottle balanced high on her head.

That’s nothing to tell of, that’s far too dull,
Just a woman with a water bottle perched on her skull.

That can’t be my blog post, that’ll never do,
Instead of just one bottle, I’ll say it was two!
And that is a blog post that can’t be outdone,
When I say that it happened on my long, slow run.

Yes two bottles is fine, but it’s still kinda’ mellow,
She’ll be joggling instead, with seven balls that are yellow.
And the story would really be easier to embrace,
If we were joggling together at a blistering pace.
Yes, two speedy jogglers is nothing to shun,
When I say that it happened on my long, slow run.

But a spectacle like this deserves a large crowd,
I’ll add some more runners and fans that are loud,
A cyclist to salute us as he passes us by,
But not any old cyclist, it’s that Lance Armstrong guy,
And who is that swimming out in the lake?
It’s Mike Phelps himself, creating a wake.

The crowds push and they elbow to see all the drama,
VIPs have shown up, including McCain and Obama!
“You should be President,” they cheered from the side,
And that thought alone made me want to go hide.

Now that is a story that’s second to none,
When I say that I saw it on my long, slow run.

But now I don’t know, it doesn’t seem right,
We’d pass the crowd in a blur and be fast out of sight.
They’ll need a jumbotron screen with ultra slow-mo,
That stands 4 stories high and gives a good show.
Watch nationwide coverage on NBC,
But not until primetime so more people can see.

Yes, that makes a story that’s really not bad!

But it still could be better.

Suppose that I add...

... the Goodyear blimp circling the skies,
A bicycle chase team with plenty of supplies,
A police escort in front to make the path clear,
A truck with our times displayed on the rear,
A pace team to guide us around every bend...
No time for more, we’re close to the end.

I swung ‘round the corner and dashed through the gate,
I ran up the steps and I felt simply GREAT!

FOR I HAD A BLOG POST THAT COULDN’T BE OUTDONE!

AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT ON MY LONG, SLOW RUN!

But my wife said quite calmly, when I returned from my jogging,

“Now what did you see? Was there anything worth blogging?”

Oh, where to begin? I HAD SO MUCH TO SHARE!

But my wife looked at me sharply with a skeptical glare.

She raised up an eyebrow and quietly said,
“Was there nothing to look at... no tales you can spread?
Is there no story to be woven, not even a thread?”

“Nothing,” I said, my face turning beet red,
“But a woman with a bottle perched high on her head.”


With apologies to Dr. Seuss.

Delicious Sesame Chicken to Blame for Dropped Batons

Drop it like it’s hot.
As you have probably heard by now both the men’s and women’s US 4x100m relay teams dropped the batons in the semi-finals at the Olympics. Many of the pundits have looked at the tapes and tried to figure out where the mistakes were made and what was to blame for the Americans raging case of the dropsies. What has gone unreported until now is the underhanded tactics that were employed by the seedy underbelly of the Chinese Olympic committee.

The shocking truth that I am about to expose was relayed to me by confidential sources (like a friend of a friend and anonymous e-mailers so you know it’s totally true), and could cost me life imprisonment or even death should I ever go to China.

As the US men’s relay team tried to focus on their upcoming semi-final in a locker room under the Bird’s Nest stadium, they were startled by a knock on the door. A young Chinese girl, no more than 13 years of age entered with a special delivery, a large bowl of sesame chicken and 4 pairs of chopsticks. The athletes, suspicious at first decided to leave it alone, but the smell was too tempting. Unable to operate the chopsticks provided, the men dug in with their fingers unsuspecting that the cunning and Machiavellian Chinese Olympic committee had turned off the water in the US locker room, leaving them unable to wash their hands.

The rest, as they say, is history. It’s hard enough to pass a baton with clean hands. When your hands are slick with sesame chicken residue it’s all but impossible. The devious scheming didn’t stop with the men’s relay team either, as the slippery, sesame chicken baton was then given to the US women to use in their heat too. Two birds taken out with one stone, actually three birds if you count the chicken, or believe that it was really chicken.

When reached for comment Tyson Gay was upbeat. “The joke’s on them,” Gay said, “because that was the best sesame chicken that I’ve ever had. You get to compete for Olympic medals every 4 years. You only get sesame chicken like that once in a lifetime. It was that good.” Gay went on to add that it didn't really matter because he “didn’t think we were going to beat Usain Bolt and the Jamaican team in the finals.” When asked whether he was worried about a similar situation cropping up in London 2012 Gay told reporters that he didn’t see it as a problem because “British cuisine sucks.”

Ian's Next Half Marathon in 1:36:30!

[by Candis]

Before I get to my race report let me do a very important projection for you...

Allow me to state Ian’s Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon goal. (Glad you started this?) Based on Ian’s Bolder Boulder 10k time of 52:07, the McMillan Running Calculator claims Ian could run a half marathon in 1:55:58 (an 8:52 pace). The Georgetown Half is ALL downhill... so we’ll subtract a minute off the pace for that (a 7:52 pace). Ten more weeks on the FIRST training plan? We can subtract another half minute from the pace for that (a 7:22 pace) making Ian’s goal time for the Georgetown half 1:36:30! Ha! Now when he blows the doors off his 1:59:52 PR with a 1:50 you won’t be impressed because I told you he could do better! Annoying isn’t it!

Being a seasoned, asthmatic runner of 2 whole years, I am beyond proud of my pace accomplishments. I’m becoming blazing fast! I’ve shaved 1 minute 20 seconds off my 10k pace and 47 seconds off my 5k pace! (My Colder Boulder 5k in December will astound you! You better get busy Shaving Your 5K!)

My Bolder Boulder goal was 1:06 (a 10:40pace). Ian knew I could do it although he claimed a one hour goal for me (sure). My biggest concern was feeling like crap. It’s an odd concern, but that’s how I felt last year when I first ran it. I had trained for 9 months, but I absolutely hated it and cursed the entire way. I finished by sheer will power (which I have little of) and knew I’d hate myself if I didn’t run the entire way. (Even though 1:13:31 feels like I was barely running.)

This time I was determined to kick some serious butt. I adopted the FIRST plan and forced myself off the hamster wheel. It totally worked. If you’re tired of hearing about the FIRST plan, then you’ll have to filter me. The Furman Institute of Running doesn’t pay me but they should. I am done with easy runs and running 5 times a week. 3 hard, to-the-point-of-failing runs a week, yup that’s for me.

My goal pace of 10:40 turned into an impressive 10:30 pace. Even more impressive and telling were my last 2 miles, both 10 minute miles. If I can run two 10 minute miles then in a few months I should easily be able to run 6.2 of them.

I should also mention that I’ve now been duped into running the Denver Half Marathon. Peer pressure I guess, I can’t seem to say no to Ian. [Ed. Note: Giggity, giggity!] He ran a 52 min 10k and I would have done anything he asked- too bad you wasted it on a race :) [Ed. Note: :( ]

Also of note... According to my scientific calculations I’ll be an elite runner in 2012 and we’ll retire on my winnings. Follow me on this, in one year I reduced my pace by 1:20 if I do that every year then I’ll be running a 5:09 pace by 2012. That would give me a 32:02 10K time, which would have easily taken first in the Elite Women’s race this year.

And because Ian didn’t post any of his pictures...

As if you care, here are my official numbers...
Overall place: 21198
Division place: 293 out of 673
Gender place: 8620 out of 26287
Mile 1: 10:49
Mile 2: 10:54
Mile 3: 10:46
Mile 4: 10:43
Mile 5: 10:00
Mile 6: 10:01
Net time: 1:05:11 (Pace: 10:29)

Half-Fast 1 Year Anniversary!

We are gathered here today, as much as you can really “gather” at a website, to honor this monumental occasion that is the one year anniversary of Half-Fast. It was exactly a year ago today that I sat down at my computer and shifted my personality into hyper-geek by clicking on the “create blog” button. I had no idea at the time whether I would be able to find enough worthwhile material to keep me posting 4-5 times a week for a full year. One year and 256 posts later it turns out that no, I didn’t have enough worthwhile material, but I just kept on posting anyway.

I have had a lot of fun with Half-Fast over the past year and feel like I’ve gotten to know many of my faithful readers. I have always maintained that Half-Fast was here to provide humor, that it was not here to provide any technical advice or coaching. I have always stated that my intent was not to provide inspiration or motivation, but writing Half-Fast has both motivated and inspired me at various times, which is why I have been faced with a difficult decision. I have accepted a new position with my current employer that will be taking up a lot more of my time and I was already feeling like I was taking time away from my family to write posts for Half-Fast, you may have noticed that I hadn’t posted the Weekend Splits in the past 2 weeks. As a result of these changes, I am going to be taking some time away from writing this blog. I will try to occasionally post some updates and will perhaps try to talk my wife into writing some more posts for Half-Fast, I had her write a post last week to test the response it received.

This is not something that has been an easy decision for me, and I have been wrestling with it for the past couple of weeks. It does however, seem to have a pleasant symmetry to it since it has been exactly one year since I started writing Half-Fast. I will continue to run the Shave Your 5K Challenge, and will occasionally post updates. As much as is possible I will also continue to read all of your blogs, so you’ll see me commenting from time to time.

UPDATE: If you’re not reading this entry on the date that it was posted then you should go back and check the date, and the tags.

Oscar Pistorius Banned Again!

As if Oscar Pistorius didn’t have enough troubles already, it was announced today by the Governing Board that he would also be banned from the Shave Your 5K Challenge being hosted by Half-Fast. Organizers had long been considering barring Oscar Pistorius from competing in the SY5K Challenge based on the IAAF’s findings that his prosthetic carbon-fiber blades provide “clear mechanical advantages.”

SY5K event organizers were not certain if Oscar Pistorius was planning to enter the contest but wanted to eliminate any doubt about his eligibility with the deadline to post a stubble time looming. They further asserted in a written statement that it would be “impossible to determine whether Oscar’s improvement during the year was due to training or technology.”

Oscar Pistorius has called the announcement “nothing more than a publicity stunt” on the part of Half-Fast, an insignificant player on the world running stage. Pistorius went on to claim that Half-Fast was merely looking to cash in on Google searches for the name “Oscar Pistorius.”

When reached for comment, hunky Half-Fast spokesperson Vanilla said “If Oscar Pistorius thinks that this is just about publicity and Google searches then Oscar Pistorius is wrong. Oscar Pistorius was banned from this event because Oscar Pistorius has an advantage over able bodied athletes not named Oscar Pistorius. If Oscar Pistorius would like to discuss the barring of Oscar Pistorius in a civil manner or file an appeal then Oscar Pistorius is welcome to contact me via the e-mail address listed at Half-Fast. Oscar Pistorius can easily find the site by Googling Oscar Pistorius.”

Perhaps Oscar Pistorius will take solace in the fact that he was not the only person who was banned from participating in the Shave Your 5K Challenge. Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco and Eliot Spitzer were also banned from the SY5K challenge although it wasn’t made clear why.

With apologies to those of you who just found Half-Fast via a search for Oscar Pistorius, I highly recommend The Science of Sport for their coverage of this saga.

My New Garmin Forerunner

I’ve never been so excited to try out a new toy in my entire life. I took my Garmin Forerunner 205 out of the box and read the entire manual on Tuesday night and on Wednesday night I was ready to go put it to the test.

The first thing I noticed was how freakin’ huge it was. Look how big it is on my manly wrist? (picture right) I would put it around my ankle but then I’d just look like someone under house arrest or Lindsay Lohan when she had that ankle monitor, and if I looked like Lohan I’d have to spend even more time in front of the mirror, naked.

So I strapped it on and started my run. I decided beforehand that I wasn’t going to keep looking at because a) that’s how faceplants are born and b) I didn’t want to be distracted from my run. After a few minutes though, my curiosity got the best of me and I looked at it to see how it was doing. Nothing. I was disappointed to find it staring blankly back at me. The timer was running but there was no distance displayed, no pace, nothing. I kept running until I had gone a mile, hoping that it would start to pick something up. No luck. It was not registering that I had gone any distance at all.

At that point I was so disappointed and mad that I just got off the treadmill and put it back in the box!

I’ll give it one more chance tomorrow when I run outside and if it still doesn’t work I’ll be shipping it back with a strongly worded letter!

That Wasn’t Me You Saw Running

No, it wasn’t me, at least not the real me. When you run past me on the trail I see you coming and I prepare myself. I lengthen my stride, I puff up my chest, I suck in my gut, I pick up my pace, I smile, I do everything I can to appear relaxed and in control, because this is easy and I’m fast. And if you're a woman... double that. I'm not even sure what it would mean to double that, but I do it, and you know why? Because I'm fast and this is easy.

How long have you run so far? Seven miles? Pssssht - I've already gone nine miles... oh... you said eleven? I said nineteen and I've got another 10 planned... and then I'll turn around and head back, because I'm fast and this is easy.

Do you see my shoes? They’re expensive, brand name running shoes, you know why? Because I’m not some amateur runner who only recently started running and has to run in his Skechers. No, I’m fast and this is easy.

Do you see my expensive runners sunglasses? You probably think that they’re just for show, but that’s because you’re not as fast as I am. When I run the bugs come at me so fast I have to wear eye protection, it’s astonishing that the State of Colorado hasn’t enacted a mandatory helmet law for me, because I’m fast and this is easy.

Do you see my technical running shirt? It’s designed to control my body temperature. Without it I would probably burst into flames. It’s also designed to wick away sweat and keep me dry, but I don’t sweat, and do you know why? Because I’m fast and this is easy.

Is that you running up ahead of me? Not for long. Now that’s you running behind me, because I’m fast and this is easy.

Riding your bike on the trail? Not me! I’m using my legs, I like the challenge and your bike looks too effortless. Are you even pedaling? Weak! Rollerblading? Weak! Walking or even worse wogging? Weak? Gliding in your Heelys? Weak, and you look beyond ridiculous at your age! None of that stuff is for me, I run. And do you know why? Because I’m fast and this is easy.

When I get back home, I’m all sweaty, I’m literally oozing testosterone from my pores and my ‘sexy’ is at dangerously high levels, my wife wants me. She thinks I’m hot. She usually takes me back to the bedroom and you know why? Because even there, I’m fast and this is easy.