Runner Jumps off Cliff

In last Wednesday’s post I discussed all the ways that I envisioned myself escaping from any would be attackers who might be tempted to get up in my business while I was running. (I hope that phrase means what I think it means.) One escape tactic that I had never thought about was to jump off a cliff, but that’s exactly what one runner was forced to do recently in Malibu. From the AP:

MALIBU, Calif. — Authorities say a man tried to sexually assault a Southern California jogger who escaped by jumping off a cliff and sliding about 100 feet down a steep hillside.

Los Angeles County sheriff's Sgt. Derek Sabatini says the woman was taken to a hospital Friday with cuts and bruises from the fall in Malibu.

She told deputies she had finished a run at about noon at Point Dume State Beach and was standing at the edge of a cliff when she was grabbed from behind. She says she and the man struggled for several minutes before she was able to break away. That’s when the woman ran and jumped off the cliff.

Deputies say the suspect then escaped in the woman’s Toyota Land Cruiser. [Source]

I’m glad that the woman escaped and I hope that they find the prick that did this but sliding down the cliffs at Malibu is so not helping the coastal erosion problem that they’re facing there. Plus, what’s up with the AP referring to her as a jogger? She sounds more like a runner to me; jumping off a cliff is pretty hardcore.

Be safe out there, it’s not like this woman was out running in Compton. She was in Malibu for crying out loud. At noon!

Thanks to my sister/editor for the tip.

Runners Expose Their Pumpkins, Get Ticketed

The Naked Pumpkin Run took place in Boulder, CO on Halloween night and police were out in full force ticketing people for indecent exposure. As opposed to ticketing them for decent exposure which is what happens when models and beautiful people expose themselves and is only a misdemeanor if there are kids around. You might remember that I had mentioned the event in a previous post, but I just wanted to write a quick follow up today because things got interesting this year.

In this the 10th annual Naked Pumpkin Run through the streets of Boulder police decided to crack down on the naked runners and issued citations to 12 of them. There were upwards of 100 participants this year, so I’m not sure what these 12 people did to warrant indecent exposure citations but I’m sure you can all come up with some creative guesses in the comments. Now pay attention because this is where the story gets really funny, if these charges stick the naked pumpkin runners will have to register themselves as sex offenders. ROFLOL! It’s funny because it’s not happening to me!

I’m no legal expert but I’m fairly certain that being required to register as a sex offender has far reaching implications that could possibly change your life forever. Your neighbors will shun you, no one will let you near their kids, and you could possibly lose your job and find it difficult to get another one. No, stop, you’re killing me! I’m in tears laughing over here! OK, maybe it’s not quite as funny as I’m making it out to be, but next time you decide to expose your pumpkins (unisex euphemism) and go running down the street you might want to think twice. Heck, even thinking once might have helped in this situation.

[Source: Daily Camera]

Arien O’Connell Wins SF Marathon... Or Not

[This video is provided as a soundtrack for this post. You don’t need to watch it, just push play and listen while you read, that is, if you’re capable of two things at once.]

24-year-old Arien O’Connell finished the Nike Women’s Marathon in San Francisco with a faster time than any of the other runners participating. In fact, Arien’s time of 2:55:11 was 11 minutes faster than that of any other runner, but what does she have to show for it? A nice new, shiny PR and a mention on Half-Fast, but no prize money and no trophy. Some people might argue that being mentioned on Half-Fast is the ultimate prize and what every runner strives for (keep trying Ryan Hall, you’ll get there someday) and those people would be correct. However, it would be nice if the race also officially recognized your accomplishment.

Unfortunately for Arien O’Connell, she did not consider herself to be an “elite” and therefore did not run with the “elites.” She started 20 minutes after them with the rest of the pack. The race therefore will not honor her as the winner despite the fact that she ran the only sub-3 hour time.

Nike’s media relations manager, Tanya Lopez *cough* *eat feces and die* *cough* came out and said that “at this point, we’ve declared our winner.” Oh, I see. You’ve DECLARED your winner. Well that settles it then. And here I was naïve enough to think that winners were decided based on who had the fastest time, I didn’t realize that the winner could just be declared, as though they were a piece of fruit crossing the border. I like Nike, I really do, not their running shoes per se, but I like everything else about them and I hope that they get this figured out. Arien O’Connell’s situation is exactly the type of thing that they could have built a marketing campaign around or at the very least, could have gotten some great PR out of it. Instead it’s turning into one giant clusternication. Pull your head out, Nike!

If any of you are thinking that this situation is unfair to the other “elites” because they never knew that they were competing against Arien and could have increased their pace, then I point you to every other age grouper out there. Most of us run races not knowing who we’re competing against within our division, we just run the best race we can. Also, I’m not sure that you can argue that point when the time gap was 11 minutes. If the “declared winner” left another 11 minutes on the course because she thought she was in 1st place, then she doesn’t deserve it anyway.

So, Congrats to Arien O’Connell: Winner of the Nike Women’s San Francisco Marathon, at least as far as I’m concerned.

Confidential to Arien: If it turns out that you pulled a Rosie Ruiz and you embarrass me for shedding light on your plight then I’m going to be so mad at you. You only think you’ve heard the worst possible grade school insults, but just you wait.

You can read more about it at SFGate.

Runner’s nod to RW Daily for finding the story.

There’s No I in Team

… but there are two in Bonnie Richardson, who has absolutely no use for teammates. Richardson was the only track and field athlete at Rochelle High School to qualify for the State meet, but didn’t let that minor detail get in the way of her winning it all. On Friday Richardson took first in the high jump, second in the long jump and third in the discus, ho-hum. On Saturday she won the 200 meters (25.03 seconds) and took 2nd in the 100 meters earning herself a team score of 42 points which was good enough to win State. It’s an inspirational story, destined to become a Lifetime original movie that I’ll pretend my ever-supportive made me watch.


Bonnie Richardson, pictured above either competing in the long jump or wishing she had read Emergency Procedures: Quicksand.

Richardson is a gifted athlete who also plays tennis and basketball for Rochelle High School (pictured below) while I struggle to tie my laces and wear matching socks. She may have more talent in her big toe than I do in my whole body but I don’t have to convince someone else to buy me beer. Winner? Me.

Source: Chicago Tribune, via WL.

Don’t Inconvenience Me

I found this letter to the editor posted at Tracy Press. It is from a concerned citizen encouraging runners to wear reflective clothing when out at dark, and describes an incident where the concerned citizen almost ran over a runner they didn’t see. According to the letter, the runner was wearing “a dark hooded sweatshirt and dark pants” and it was 6:50am which presumably means that it was dark out.

First of all let me address the main point of the letter. I agree wholeheartedly that if you’re going to be out running in the dark or even at dawn or dusk you should be wearing reflective gear. Most runners I know (myself included) go overboard with this. Before I run in the dark I try and make myself more reflective than a disco ball and just as cool. The thought of getting hit by a car is more than a little unpleasant, which is why I wear reflective shoes, reflective pants, a reflective shirt, reflective gloves and of course the ensemble wouldn’t be complete without my über-cool reflective slap bands. Am I making my point that I agree with the main thrust of the letter; that you should be reflective when you run in the dark? Good. Now onto the part of the letter that rubbed me the wrong way, not at all like a genie in a bottle. The letter ends with the following sentence:

“I would like to be able to get to work without having to call the police because I hit or killed a neighbor.”

Yes, that would be very inconvenient for you to have to be late for work just because of the minor little detail that you killed someone. I thought that being safe was reason enough to run in my reflective underpants, but you’re absolutely right, it hadn’t even occurred to me how inconvenient my death would be for the person that hit me. Why, they might be a good half hour late for work, not to mention the ongoing nuisance of having to beat back those vehicular manslaughter charges.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, the reflective underpants are precautionary so that I can still be seen if my pants fall off somewhere along the way and I don’t notice it. They’re not so much reflective as they are glow-in-the-dark. Can we all please stop picturing me in my underwear now and focus on the issue at hand?

REFLECTIVE UPDATE: Cyclist tasered by cop for not having proper lighting on his bike at night.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Closing roads for marathons leads to fewer traffic deaths. No. Really. It’s true. I didn’t believe it at first either but then I saw this scientific study last night while I was not running again. Researchers at Canada’s University of Toronto (as opposed to Australia’s University of Toronto, I suppose) led by Dr. Donald Redelmeier have determined through an extensive study that there were 2 fewer traffic fatalities per day in counties where roads were closed for a marathon.

When reached for comment Dr. Redelmeier said “I’ve been wanting to scientifically prove this ever since I bet Dr. Munson that traffic deaths were lower during marathons and he scoffed at the idea.” Here we are, thousands of taxpayer dollars down the road and Dr. Redelmeier has finally won the argument and the respect of his peers. Up next for Dr. Munson is a study to prove that less people fall victim to frostbite in tropical climates, before initiating a probe into how the old “pull my finger” gag works.

The Girl’s Track Coach

Back when first started high school I remember that our girl's track team was never very good. In fact the same year I began attending, the school had just hired a new track coach, as opposed to simply letting the gym teacher continue to coach them. Over the next few years I watched in wonder as they morphed into one of the better teams in the state. The change was so dramatic that rumors started circulating amongst the students that the coach was providing the girls performance enhancing drugs. How could a coach possibly make them this much faster? What kind of training regimen were they using? How come Cindy can bench press more than I can?

For the most part I just assumed that they were nothing more than rumors. Perhaps the coach was giving them supplements or perhaps he was just a really good coach. Then one day I was in the teacher's lounge area right outside their offices waiting to talk to my soccer coach. I saw one of the faster members of the track team head into the coaches office and couldn't help but think that she looked more than a little concerned. I scooted as close to the office as I could without being obvious and tried to listen in.

The girl, who shall remain nameless, began to tell the coach that she was worried. She explained to him that she thought that she was starting to grow hair on her chest. The coach was clearly concerned too and asked her "are you sure? How far down does it go?"
To which she replied "all the way down to my balls!"

Yeah, so that's not true at all. A colleague just told me that joke and I thought I'd pass it on to you since I really don't have much else to say today. For those of you following the nude running priest story that I linked to in the Weekend Splits I can give you a breaking news update though:

DENVER -- The Rocky Mountain News reported additional information that the
priest in question had allegedly appeared nude at a summer camp for Catholic
boys in 1999.

He appeared naked before some Catholic school boys at summer camp?!? I'm shocked! Shocked I tell you! It's things like this that... wait... you mean the priests at summer camp were not supposed to be naked? They told me that was all part of the "summer camp experience."

Runners: A Menace to Society

Ponch and Jon were too busy fighting serious crimes to ticket a jogger.

Christine Valdivieso was surprised last month when a motorcycle cop pulled her over. She was surprised because she was out for a Sunday morning run and despite the fact that she was well within compliance of the posted speed limit, she was running in the bike lane and that is a crime. Valdivieso tried to talk the officer into letting her off with a warning, but he wasn't fooled by the silver-tongued devil and wrote up the ticket anyway. You just can't believe what these criminals will tell you to get out of a ticket.

The truly sad thing about this whole ordeal is that Christine Valdivieso, was allowed to go free after receiving the ticket, while thieves who are probably just trying to feed their families are locked up. No jail time at all for this woman! This thug is out there somewhere roaming the streets and free to terrorize cyclists at will by running in their bike paths! I'll tell you one thing; it scares me the kind of world that my kids will grow up in. Fortunately we have true American heroes like the officer in the story to serve and protect us.

I don't know how cops manage to keep their cool and composure in the face of such devastating crimes against humanity. For crying out loud, what kind of deranged criminal, hopped up on who-knows-what runs in the bike lane? If I was a cop, and I saw a perp running in the bike lane, I'd have immediately radioed for backup and then begun beating the villain into submission. You can't be too careful these days.

For the record I don't personally condone running in the bike lane or any other criminal behavior. Link to my informer.