Fat Guy in a Little Cart

My legs have been feeling a little tight lately, so when it came time to do my long run on Saturday afternoon I decided to take it easy and run at a much more leisurely pace than usual. It was a pleasant and enjoyable run until it went south. I’m speaking metaphorically here because I was actually running north when things went metaphorically south.

I turned north onto a street that runs past the golf course and was wishing that I was playing golf because regardless of how pleasant a run is it still doesn’t compare to the joy of cursing your way around a golf course for 4 hours. As I ran down the sidewalk a golf cart pulled up next to me on the adjacent cart path, separated only by small strip of perfectly mowed grass. At first I thought nothing of it, but then I began to wonder why the cart was keeping pace with me. I glanced over to see two fat guys grinning at me from their ride.

Now when I say that these guys were fat I’m not just trying to be offensive towards them (although if it comes across like that I’m totally OK with it), they were absolutely huge. The golf cart could barely contain them. Their legs were oozing out from under the armrests, performing an intense stress test on the tensile strength of their plaid golfer’s shorts. The guy that was (mostly) in the passenger seat was so big that he had fat rolls on the back of his head above his nonexistent neck and I can only assume that his polo shirt had been custom made by Omar’s Tent and Awning Company. OK, so maybe I’m trying to be a little offensive, but they totally started it.

As I glanced over at them the passenger began swinging his arms like he was running and hung his tongue out in what I assume was mock exhaustion. At first I was quite taken aback that these two supersize human beings were mocking me for running, but I quickly regained my composure and yelled “Hey, why don’t you come join me, you look like you could use the exercise!” Not a great comeback admittedly but I was still a little gobsmacked at the preposterousness of the situation.

The passenger’s expression went from laughing to angry and he shouted something at me that I was not able to hear over whatever P!nk was angrily yelling through my earbuds, but I assume it was something like “Get in mah BELLY!” Not wanting to give him the last word I yelled at him again, “Why don’t you show some mercy to that poor golf cart and walk a few holes!” Much better comeback. At this point the golf cart path veered away from the sidewalk and we went our separate ways. The funny thing is that we probably both referred to our Saturday afternoon activity as ‘exercise,’ but only one of us was correct with that description, and as usual that one was me.

Merry Christmas

This will be the last post here at Half-Fast before Christmas, so I wanted to take a few minutes away from all the sarcasm and juvenile humor and wish you all a Merry Christmas. As you all stop by here today, think of this post as a personal and meaningful Christmas wish to you and your family, kind of like that scene in Christmas Vacation where all the suits walk by Chevy Chase and he wishes each of them a Merry Christmas or something along those lines.



Thank you all for taking the time to read Half-Fast. I’ll probably have a post on Friday, (not that anyone will be around to read it) but in the meantime, run hard and stay warm in this nippley weather we’re having. I’ve no doubt that you guys are “the jolliest bunch of a-holes this side of the nuthouse.”

The Best Thing About Pain?

Earlier this year I did a post for CRN (Complete Running Network) about adding inspirational movie quotes to your running playlist. It’s a fun distraction to hear quotes from your favorite movies interspersed with the songs that get you pumped up. The other night I was watching the movie G.I. Jane (don’t judge) starring Demi Moore as a woman trying to make it as a member of the Navy SEALS, when I came across the following quote that is being immediately added into the running playlist rotation:

“Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? It lets you know you’re not dead yet!”

You can find a link to the mp3 file and the wav sound file at the bottom of this page.

Speaking of CRN, I don’t think I linked to either of my 2 most recent posts over there. (This is October’s and this is November’s.) So, if you haven’t already read them then you should go do that now, and in the future don’t wait for me to link to them you lazy sack of slow twitch muscle fibers. Seriously, do I have to do everything for you? You might be thinking that reading both of them is too much effort in which case you and I are a lot alike, and you should totally just read November’s because I kind of phoned in October’s. (Hey, just like I’m phoning in today’s post!)

I also want to mention the Treadmill Vehicle, as seen on With Leather (video below). I couldn’t think of a clever segue to allow me to just radically change topics like that in the middle of a post, so it’s a good thing that I don’t allow trivial things like flow and style to influence my writing. At any rate, the Treadmill Vehicle is claiming to be the first man powered treadmobile, but if you’ve been a reader of Half-Fast since the beginning (you’re still here?) then you will remember a couple of posts that I wrote about the Treadmill Bike. I think the Treadmill Bike people have grounds to sue the Treadmill Vehicle people and more importantly I think they’re both morons. A bicycle is much more convenient than either of these two options for getting around and if you wanted to run... then why wouldn’t you just run?




Have a great weekend everyone!

The Art of the Snot Rocket

It was cold this morning when I left for my run, but running in the cold brings with it the joy of a runny nose. Why is a runny nose a joy? Because of all the snot rockets I get to fire during my run. If I ever get lost on a cold weather run I’m confident that I’ll be able to find my way home by using the Hansel and Gretel approved method of following the trail of Vanilla snot that can be found on various street signs and lampposts. That is, of course, assuming that the creatures of the forest don’t eat my “breadcrumbs”.

The snot rocket (or farmer’s blow) is an essential tool of the cold weather runner and if you don’t yet know how to perform this maneuver then it is high time you learned. Whatever you do, don’t follow Viper’s lead as his trail would apparently lead around his shirt and back to his shoulder.

If you’re an amateur snot-rocketeer (not to be confused with a Mouseketeer) then you’ll want to hone your skills when stopped at a crosswalk because it’s much easier to perform the snot rocket while standing still. Also, there are usually more people to witness your snot rocket at an intersection and that’s a good thing because this is a highly difficult and highly attractive endeavor. I mean, for me it just doesn’t get any sexier than a sweaty runner chick blasting snot rockets on a cold winter’s day.

Those of you who are veteran snot-rocketeers can perform this maneuver on the run. Here’s how you do it. First, you give a quick check over your shoulder to make sure there isn’t a cyclist barreling past you (or if you don’t like cyclists then wait until there is one). Turn to face over your right shoulder and tilt your head back a little. Breathe in through your mouth and plug your left nostril with your left index finger and then... FIRE!! “Bogey 1 is down, I repeat, Bogey 1 is down!”

Next, turn to the other side and acquire your next target. Plug the other nostril, wait until you get missile tone (not to be confused with mistletoe - you should never fire a snot rocket whilst under mistletoe, it would really catch your partner off guard and it’s totally disgusting) and then: Fire 2! Fire 2! “Bingo, that’s a direct hit, Bogey 2 is splashdown! Yehaw! Jester’s dead!”
“This is Mustang to Vanilla, can you get visual confirmation that the target has been destroyed?”
“That’s affirmative Mustang. Zero survivors, zero collateral damage.”

Collateral damage is not just a bad Schwarzenegger movie, it’s what happens when you misfire and get snot all over your pants or shoes, also often referred to as friendly fire. As you practice your snot rocketeering you may find that you get the occasional Stage 5 Clinger and these can be wiped on the bottom of your shirt. Avoid wiping these on the back of your sleeve, especially if you are prone to mopping the sweat off your forehead with the back of your sleeve. That’s a rookie mistake that you’ll only make once. Trust me. Before you know it you’ll become so proficient that you will fire snot rockets into the break room trashcan from the other side of the room. It’s a really neat party trick and a great conversation starter.