Alright, fess up! Which one of you is this?

No question in my mind that this is one of my readers so which one of you wants to cop to it.



I have to give props to the people on either side of her for not even giving her a quizzical look. I don’t think a sharp backhand would have been out of order given the circumstances. I mean, I didn’t go to law school or anything but I did take one Intro to Business Law class in college and I’m pretty sure that you can’t be charged with assault if someone’s acting that stupid. They’re basically asking for it.

Also, a quick pointer for all three of those people in the video; you guys know that those things go faster than that, right? Mmmkay, just checking.

Oh, and sorry about that song playing in the background of the video. You should have muted your speakers if you didn’t want that stuck in your head all day, and I should have mentioned this in the paragraph above the video but if I have to suffer, you do too.

Get off my treadmill! Act 1

This is a two part story because it got kind of long when I was writing it and I was incapable of editing it down, a sure sign of a good writer.

As you know from my previous post I was in South Dakota last week for a little R & R but I packed some workout clothes so that I could squeeze in some running. The hotel website promised a fitness center, which if you travel a lot you know can be hit or miss. In this case the fitness center was a standard hotel room which had been filled with as much exercise equipment as they could squeeze in there along with a few TVs. It consisted of a treadmill, an elliptical, a recumbent bike (who uses those things?) a small sit up bench, a rack of dumbbells and a rack of towels. Frankly, I was happy with the set up as I never know what to expect when I’m at a hotel. My only concern with just one treadmill was that someone else would be using it when I was ready to run, it was a concern that proved to be valid.

On Friday morning we were on our way back from breakfast when I decided to stop by the “fitness center” to see if anyone was using the treadmill. If not, I planned to rush back to the room, change into workout clothes and then go claim the treadmill for a few quick miles. (Yes, “quick” should have probably been in quotes too.) As I entered the room I could hear the familiar thud of footsteps on a treadmill. Crap. Sure enough someone was using it, however that someone was a slightly chubby kid who I was sure was just screwing around and not actually working out. My assumption was not based on his weight but on the fact that he was running on the treadmill barefoot and in jeans. Jeans! As I left the fitness center I couldn’t help but notice that the sign on the door said “Under 18 must be accompanied by an adult” and I’m guessing this kid was roughly 8 years shy.

As I was changing back in our room I contemplated what to do if the kid was still on my treadmill when I got back down there. I figured my options were: 1. Anonymous tip to hotel security that a minor was using the fitness center unsupervised. 2. Go and use the elliptical while rolling my eyes and making disapproving faces at the kid until he felt uncomfortable enough to leave. 3. Be mature and say something along the lines of “Hey if you’re not really using the treadmill do you mind if I get in a few miles?” Mature and I don’t often get put in the same sentence like that though so I wasn’t going with option 3 and option 1 was too much of a prick thing to do, even for me so I settled on option number 2.

I walked back down to the fitness center practicing my disapproving stares and disgusted sighs only to find that the kid had already left. I have to admit I was a little disappointed that I was not going to get to use my new battery of expressions, but resolved to use some of my best ones on my family during the remainder of the trip. (I’m such a joy to be around!) My disappointment was short-lived however as the kid soon returned - without adult supervision!!!

I’ll post Act 2 in a little while, wherein the kid returns and makes an ass of himself, I respond by making an ass of myself and in general everyone’s an ass. It was not my finest moment.

The Death Throes of a Treadmill

It was cold last night. Not so cold that I couldn’t wrap up and head out the door for a brisk evening run, but sometimes getting ready to run in the cold is just such a hassle isn’t it? Am I the only one that feels this way? I’ve got to assess exactly how cold it is outside and then determine if I just want to wear one of my UA cold gear shirts or if I’ll need something else over it? Will a vest suffice or do I need a hoodie or a light jacket with sleeves? I just don’t know. Do I want my thin running gloves or my slightly thicker ones? Which hat do I want to wear, the thinner Headsweats hat or the fun one with the tassel on the top that playfully bobs back and forth as I run? These are the important questions that a runner has to ask oneself before heading out in the elements.

It’s just so much easier, albeit more boring, to throw on a pair of shorts and a shirt and hit the treadmill, which is what I decided to do last night. I put a movie on the TV and began to slip into my treadmill coma to help me survive the boredom. But something wasn’t right. The treadmill wasn’t moving and I wasn’t running. I was just standing there watching TV.

“Something’s not right,” I thought. I checked everything again. The dashboard was lit up, the safety key was securely in place, the speed was set just above 6 mph and yet the treadmill was motionless. Blissfully motionless. Standing on the side rails I looked down at the belt and blinked a couple of times before gingerly dipping my toe onto it, half expecting my foot to jerk backwards, but the belt was not moving. Had I finally run my treadmill into submission? Was the cursed piece of machinery finally dead? I hopped off with a little extra bounce in my step, quietly singing to myself “ding dong, the witch is dead.” I was positively giddy. It is flat out wrong how excited I was to go upstairs and inform Candis that the treadmill was dead. I was already thinking about the celebratory bottle of wine I was going to drink and how I’d toast the death of my antagonist. Perhaps I would even mockingly pour some out for my fallen homey.

Then the unthinkable happened; the treadmill beeped at me. It was taunting me, calling out to me for help. I walked back over to it and turned it off and back on again as though it was running on Vista. The dashboard lit up again, just as it had before. I stood on the rails holding my breath and pressed the start button. An eternity passed as I gazed down at the belt but then slowly, almost imperceptibly, the belt began moving monotonously backwards, picking up speed with all the haste of sap oozing down a tree trunk. I let loose a tempest of curse words and I might have even hit or kicked the treadmill a couple of times.

Alas, my treadmill is not dead, and I managed a few lackluster miles on it last night with a few lackluster intervals thrown in for good measure. I suppose that’s good news as it means I don’t have to go through the agony of deciding what cold weather clothes to put on and I can run indoors, but it sure didn’t feel like good news last night when I was on the verge of skipping my run. It’s just one more reason to hate my treadmill, as if I needed any more.

Hey! Where the hell is my afternoon thunderstorm?

I don’t usually like to make snap judgments about people that I don’t know but I think it’s pretty safe to say that the local TV weather girl is a lying whore! A couple of days ago she told me, nay, promised me that we were going to get some afternoon thunderstorms. Based on this information I decided to sleep in and go run after work because I wasn’t worried about it being sunny and 90+ degrees when I got home. Well apparently I forgot to take into account that our local weather girl is a compulsive liar who gets her rocks off by duping handsome bloggers into running in the extreme heat of the day. Well played madam, but I’ll have you know that I’m not that easily duped nor am I that committed to running that I would be foolish enough to run in such conditions. ‘I’ll show her,’ I thought to myself and instead I went down into the basement and ran on the treadmill. It was as boring as watching the weather channel, (Oooh burn! Chalk one up for Vanilla!) but it was worth it to avoid the heat.

One run on the treadmill is bearable, especially considering that it put me 1 - 0 up on the weather girl. Two runs on the treadmill in a week crosses the line from bearable to irritating and three treadmilling sessions in a week would trigger a DEFCON 2 level emergency in which all sharp objects must be placed out of my reach and the shoelaces are removed from all my shoes, thus preventing me from having four treadmill runs in a week which would cause the universe to collapse on itself. I don’t want any of you to worry but last night Candis forced me to run on the treadmill for the second day in a row, putting me into the irritating category (shut up, you know what I mean).

I had planned on running outside last night, but was informed when I arrived home that Candis had a meeting she needed to go to and I had to stay home and watch our two boys. I started to protest that she couldn’t just spring these things on me at the last minute but then she did that thing that women like to do where they say “Don’t you remember? We talked about this a couple of days ago,” when clearly we did not have any such conversation and even if we did, I’m really supposed to remember conversations from a couple of days ago? If the conversation did take place, and I’m not admitting that it did, she probably tricked me by talking to me while I was in the middle of trying to do something else like watching TV or sleeping or breathing. Of course there’s no point in me trying to argue this because then it just makes it look like I don’t pay attention to her which somehow equates to not loving her in the female mind. It’s easier and much less energy to just say that I do remember the conversation (which never existed) so I can get back to watching Ice Road Truckers uninterrupted. Incidentally, I need to share with you sometime how Candis came to have a meeting last night because it’s hilarious, not to mention a little humiliating for her.

Anyway, that’s the (longwinded) story of how I came to have two treadmill runs in a row and the reason that I’ll be running outside tonight when I get home... or simply not running at all (hmmm... tempting). It’s supposed to be hot and sunny again tonight, at least that’s what the weather girl says, but I can’t possibly torture myself on the treadmill for another day.

Don’t Drink and Run

With Memorial Day weekend already upon us many folks will be reminding you not to drink and drive as you celebrate your 3 day release from work. That’s solid advice, but I don’t think it goes far enough. I’m reminding you not to drink and run this holiday weekend, at least not in that order. As with drinking and driving, drinking and running is only safe when performed in the reverse order: Run first, then drink. The video clip that follows is Adam Savage of Mythbusters demonstrating what happens when you get drunk and then run on a treadmill.

I love Mythbusters. Where else on TV are you going to see a clip of a drunk guy running on a treadmill filmed with a high speed camera? I’m not sure if this clip has been aired on the show yet but this version of it includes Adam’s commentary of what he was thinking each step of the way.


Have a great Memorial Day everyone, I’ll catch you all on the flip side with a race report from the Bolder Boulder. I’d post my bib number for those of you who can’t wait until Tuesday to learn how I did but I don’t remember it so you’ll just have to look me up by name. I’m assuming that you’ve already figured out my real name, what with those creepy, stalker tendencies that you display. Don’t make me get a restraining order, you sicko.

Hello Treadmill

Last night it was raining and cold and windy and wet (as a result of the rain I suspect), so when it came time to do my 5 mile tempo run I went down to the basement to run on the treadmill. Usually I really hate having to run on the treadmill because I get so bored with it, but lately I’ve noticed that my feelings can no longer be described as hate because that is much too nice a word for the way I feel about the Rubber Band of Doom (Raz’s phrase, not mine). Lately my feelings towards the treadmill are better summed up by the words despise, loathe, and abhor and even that’s not enough. What I need is a superword that combines all those things like despoathor. My despoathor for running on the treadmill is so deep and dark that the depths of it cannot be known to mortal man. If despoathor was measured by human rights violations and pollution I’d be China. But I’m letting the analogy runaway with the post so I’ll try to get back on track.

What I’m trying to tell you is that I don’t like to run on the treadmill, I hope that came across. This despoathor for the treadmill usually results in me watching TV while I run to distract myself from what I’m doing. If I can get lost in a good TV show like Gilmore Girls SportsCenter then I can lose my focus on how many hundredths of a mile have ticked by and the time seems to pass quicker. Last night I found a new show to watch that was great to run to: UFC Unleashed. For those of you who haven’t seen it’s an hour long program that shows old UFC fights. (UFC = Ultimate Fighting Championship.) Now I’ve never been a huge UFC fan, but there was something about watching it last night that made my run feel so much easier. Maybe it was an adrenaline rush from watching two guys beat each other’s brains out or maybe it was the idea that no matter how hard my run was I knew that I still wasn’t in as much pain as that guy on the TV. Whatever it was, it worked. I’ve got a new show to TiVo just in case I have to run on the treadmill again in the future.

For those of you who have never watched UFC, here’s a compilation of some knockouts courtesy of Anderson “The Spider” Silva.



Finally, because it’s Friday and I do actually listen to your comments, here are the pictures that you’ve been asking for. For the guys: More Anna! For the ladies: Ryan Reynolds who ran the NYC Marathon and Matthew McConaughey, who some of you astutely pointed out ran a triathlon. Confidential to Matty: Get yourself a manlier running stride. You may be faster than me and more successful and more attractive and more ripped and more famous but I’ve got the manlier running style. Winner? Probably Matty, but it’s close, no?

My Knee is Painfree, Slower than I Remember

The good news with my running lately is that I’ve been able to run with almost no pain in my knee, probably resulting from the 600mg of Advil coursing through my veins. The bad news is that I seem to be slower. I’m blaming the slowness on the 2 weeks that I took off from running to nurse my injury, and I’m starting to rethink what my marathon goals should be, but that’s for another, more boring post.

Due to the icy paths and sub-freezing temperatures here in Colorado recently I’ve been forced to do some of my runs on the conveyor belt of boredom, which is probably better for my knee anyway. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself as I trundle along like an unclaimed suitcase, endlessly circling the baggage claim carousel.

Thus far in my training, the furthest that I’ve run is 16 miles and while it was a good run, it’s been more than 6 weeks since I went that far. I have two more long runs before the taper starts (18 miles and 20 miles) and the forecast for this weekend is not making things easy. There’s still ice on the paths and tomorrow is going to be 21 degrees with snow flurries. I simply refuse to run 18 miles on a treadmill, you’d have to be clinically insane to try that (looking at you Kristina). A friend suggested I go to a nearby Rec Center that has an indoor track, but the track is only a tenth of a mile which means that I’d have to run 180 laps and I’ll be honest with you, I can’t count that high. Seriously, I have trouble with any kind of math while I’m running. One time I accidentally ran 11 miles instead of 10 because of a miscalculation when adding ‘distance remaining’ to ‘distance already covered.’ I’ve never hated math more than I did that day.

Anyway, the success or failure of my scheduled 18 miler this weekend will be a defining moment in my marathon training, and ‘when a defining moment comes along, you define the moment, or the moment defines you.’ That’s a movie quote folks, 5 Half-Fast bonus points in the comments for the first person who can tell me what movie it’s from. 5 Half-Fast bonus points and $1.42 will get you a gallon of gas these days. Bonus points are non-refundable, non-negotiable, have no cash value and may cause a slight itching and burning.

Only 6 shopping days left, almost time for me to get started. Enjoy the weekend!

Do Not Attempt

Have you ever tried to walk on your hands on a treadmill? This is one of those questions that you never have to ask because the answer is either unequivocally “no” or the person to whom you’re speaking is too far back on the evolutionary chain to respond. It’s kind of like the “can we take the car pool lane” question, if there’s someone there to answer it then you don’t have to ask it.

The guy in the video is taking stupid to new levels that many experts didn’t even think were possible. He’s like the Roger Bannister of stupid, and walking on your hands on a treadmill is the new 4 minute mile.



Wait, did his shirt say “Swim Naked” on it? That dude is totally cool. He’s like my hero or something.

In a mildly related note, last week I posted a couple of the dos and don’ts that ChampionChip had listed on their website. One of them was don’t walk across the timing mat on your hands, and I noted that whoever wrote that had a funny sense of humor. In the comments of that post Frayed Laces, who runs with or without a pelvis, said:

I like to think that instead of the writers having a sense of humor, people actually tried that stuff. Remember, most people are idiots.

Well said Frayed Laces.

RUNNER’S NOD TO THE DAILY RUNNER FOR DIGGING UP THE VIDEO.

A Beautiful Day for a Run

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Denver. We had blue skies, warm temperatures, an extra hour of daylight and a general feeling of goodwill towards all mankind. (We’re good people here in Denver.) As I drove home from work I saw runners out on the trails, I saw cyclists, I even saw several couples walking their dogs. It was almost as if everything was working together in perfect harmony to make me go run. By the time I got home I was more excited than I’ve ever been to go out and run. In fact I think it’s safe to say that I was bubbling over with more anticipation than a pimple-faced 13 year old who has just stolen his first Playboy.

I arrived home to a family that was happy to see me. “I’m so glad you’re home,” said my wife as she briskly walked past me and out the door I’d just come in.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“I’m going running,” she said and then she threw one more comment over her shoulder as she headed out for her run. “The kids are in the backyard. Good luck!”

And then she was gone. I stood there all alone wondering what had just happened. My wife is a runner so it is no surprise that she went running, but something felt different. It quickly became clear that she was using running as an excuse to get away from the kids. It was evident that she just wanted to have them out of her hair for an hour or two. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed. Using running as an excuse to get away from your two crazy little boys is shameful and selfish, and quite frankly I called dibs on it. Seriously, that’s my racket. What’s next? Is she going to start peeing in the shower? Is she going to start monopolizing the remote? Is she going to start pretending that she doesn’t know how to load the dishwasher to get out of doing it? Is nothing sacred anymore?

Despite my world being turned upside down, I was still excited to run. I changed into my running clothes and couldn’t contain myself any longer, I needed to run. So, with my wife out running and my boys ricocheting around the backyard, I decided to go run a few warm up miles on the treadmill. After a couple of miles my 4 year old came down to the basement and I was certain that he was about to tell me that Mom was home.
“Dad, can we turn on the hose?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Same reason they don’t give guns to monkeys.”

Typically, I would have told him “because I said so,” but it’s not like he pays attention to me anyway so I occasionally throw out a confusing answer just for fun. He left and I continued my run on the treadmill, all the while wondering if the hose was being used. ‘A few warm up miles’ quickly turned into a few intervals and before I knew it I had completed my entire workout on the treadmill. Good thing it was such a beautiful day outside. When my wife returned home I went outside and ran a cool down mile, mostly because it seemed like a waste not to. For those of you who are wondering, the hose did not get used.

8 Miles on the Treadmill is Fun

You see what I did there? I used a headline that clearly isn’t true. That’s called sarcasm. Sarcasm is the crutch of the shoddy writer and is the lowest, basest form of humor, which is why you’ll find plenty of it here at Half-Fast.

Anyway, like the headline says I ran 8 miles on the treadmill this past weekend and they were anything but fun. Looking back on it I’m not exactly sure why I decided to run on the treadmill but it was almost as bad a decision as when my wife and I decided that we wanted a second child.

You ever notice how painful memories seem to get less painful as they fall further into the past? It’s like natures way of making sure you don’t learn from your mistakes. When Candis was pregnant the first time, she hated the final few months and the whole birthing process. Things got pretty bad, but a few months later there we were talking about having another kid, just standing on the tracks completely oblivious to the train hurtling towards us.

That’s what running on the treadmill is like for me, I always forget how bad it is and how much I hate it. No, I did not just compare childbirth to running on a treadmill. Running on a treadmill is much worse than giving birth as far as I can tell. At least after you give birth someone brings you your meals in bed. When I get done on the treadmill I have to go get a meal on my own, ironically I’ll probably be doing a lot of that over the next few days after my wife reads this.

The Treadmill Manifesto

I made a comment in my last post about breaking the cardinal rule of treadmill running, and it got me to thinking that we really should have a set of rules or at the very least guidelines for proper treadmill use. They could help prevent situations like the one in the following video. Normally I'm a big fan of stupidity being rewarded with pain but the treadmill in this video pantsed the kid first, and then threw him off. (Yes, it is a different video from the one in the last post).

That's just uncalled for.

With my recent near disaster and videos like the one above in mind, I decided to put together a list of tips and guidelines for you to use to ensure a safe treadmilling experience. And yes, I am aware that I just verbed that noun. Remember, many of you do not have ninja quick, cat-like reflexes and the gracefulness of a swan like I do so these guidelines are for your benefit.

The Treadmill Manifesto
Vanilla's tips and tricks for proper treadmill use

• Do not run on a treadmill. Go outside instead.
• Should you find yourself in a situation where you think it would be better to run on a treadmill, please refer back to rule #1.
• Do not face the treadmill away from the wall. Proper treadmill placement is key. Remember it is better to be flung free and clear of the treadmill than it is to be pinned against the wall while the belt gently exfoliates the skin from your thighs. Gently like a chainsaw.
• No, you should not see if you can run on it at the highest speed setting. I like to call that setting "moron speed."
• When you fall off, if anyone saw you, be sure to act like nothing happened. Maybe even do it a couple more times just to spite them.
• One person at a time on the treadmill.
• Do not use a treadmill if you are being filmed. Have you ever seen a video of someone using a treadmill that didn't end painfully? Video cameras cause malfunctions.
• Do not use the safety-key/killswitch. This is for pansies and klutzes and using it signifies to everyone around that you are one.
• Do not attempt to mount it while it is moving. Actually this rule will also do you right in many other situations outside of treadmilling. (I'm going to do my best to make that a common expression, my job will be complete when a writer uses 'treadmill' as a verb in Runner's World magazine.)
• No jumping on the treadmill. No hopping, no skipping, no leaping & bounding, no hurdling, no dancing, and no sashaying. Not ever. Not under any circumstances. Only use the treadmill for running or walking.
• Finally, should you choose to ignore any of these rules you may do so only under the camcorder exemption. Under this exemption you film yourself and then share your inevitable demise with the rest of us.

There you have it, my Treadmill Manifesto. I wonder how many bloggers we need to ratify these rules before we can officially proclaim them the Treadmilling Constitution? I’m taking up the cause because YouTube is just chock full of this kind of stupidity.

Idiot vs Treadmill - Part 2

A number of months ago I posted Part 1 of this little series and at the time I knew that there would eventually be a Part 2. I knew that after having made fun of people for falling off treadmills I would eventually get mine. I knew that my comeuppance was coming, so to speak, that what I sent around was on its way back around. Well, last night it completed the circle and came back around like a Mack truck in the dead of night.

I was running on the treadmill, which is never something I like to do, but I was scheduled to run 4 x 1600 intervals and the high school track that I usually run on was unavailable. In between my intervals I broke one of the cardinal rules of running on the treadmill: Never try to get back on it while it's still running. I should know better.

It was after my first interval that I decided to jump off the treadmill and turn the fan up to the highest setting. Having adjusted the fan I turned around and stepped onto the side rails of the treadmill so that I could commence running again. Except I missed the left side rail with my foot and was surprised to find it rocketing towards the back of the treadmill like a fighter plane shot off an aircraft carrier. My finely honed survival skills instantly kicked in, and with ninja-like quickness I put a kung-fu death grip on the hand rail with my right hand. As my left foot disappeared off the back of the treadmill it caused my body to twist violently before being thrown off to the right of the treadmill in a spinning motion that left me facing away from it. Still holding on with my right hand I got my feet beneath me and as I pulled myself up the treadmill tipped slightly towards me. Now back in control of my balance I let go of the treadmill and sent it crashing back to it's upright position with a thud. I quickly composed myself, climbed back on and started it up again.

A couple of seconds later my wife came bursting through the basement door. "Are you OK?" she asked. I looked at her with my best expression of shock and surprise as if to say whatever do you mean? Look at me running. Look at me. Does it look like I've just fallen off the treadmill? Would I look this composed and calm if I had just been flung from the treadmill like dog poop off a shovel? Do you not know that I have cat-like reflexes? Puh-lease woman, I take umbrage at your insinuation. My wife frowned. "Maybe it was the boys?"
"Maybe what was the boys?" I replied still feigning ignorance.
"I thought I heard a loud noise. It must have been the boys."
"Yup. Must've been," I answered in my best indignant voice as if she should be ashamed for even having thought that I could fall off the treadmill. What kind of amateur does she think I am?

And that my friends, is how you fall off a treadmill. Here endeth the lesson.

Running Dad

Last night my wife had to go run some errands which meant that I was watching the boys and could not go outside for my run. I tried telling her that the oldest one is capable of babysitting, but she insists that he's too young (he's 4). Whatever. I ended up getting on the treadmill and telling David (my 4 year-old) to keep an eye on Graham (my 2 year-old) so it all works out the same either way.

I recalled reading somewhere that it is easier to run on a treadmill (no hills, no wind resistance etc.) and that you should set the incline to 1% to simulate running outdoors. I decided to give this a try, but my ego got the best of me and I turned it up to 2%. It didn’t feel like too much of a difference so I kept plugging along. Somewhere around 0.21 miles I heard Graham crying, and not wanting to lose my rhythm or start over I yelled for David to come tell me what had happened. As it turns out "nothing" had happened. I guess he was just screaming bloody murder for the fun of it, I made a quick mental note to discipline him for that after my run.

If you know any 2 or 4 year old boys you know that they're all afterburner and no rudder, so it was only a matter of minutes before there was more yelling and loud banging. Not being someone prone to worry, I quickly came up with a solution. I grabbed the remote control for the iPod speakers and turned up the volume until I could no longer hear said yelling and banging. I enjoyed the remainder of my run in the peace and quiet of my eclectic 'running' playlist consisting of heavy metal, hip-hop and alternative.

Towards the end of my run I began to feel a little discouraged, this was supposed to be an easy run at a 9:30 minute mile pace and I was really struggling. My breathing was harder than usual, my calves were burning more than usual and I was seriously considering slowing down. What on earth was wrong with me? It was during this conundrum that I remembered that I had been running up hill the whole way. I completely forgot that I had set the incline to 2%. What can I say? I'm a genius.

As I was finishing up both of the boys came down to the basement. Both a little sweaty but, no blood and no new bruises. They were exhausted from whatever they had been doing upstairs and quietly sat down at their coloring table. It was at this moment that my wife came home, took one look at our quiet children and me finishing up my run and exclaimed “how did you get them to behave so well?” I merely shrugged. She continued “they NEVER let me run on the treadmill without interruption!” I smiled at her. Some of us are just good parents I guess, and by ‘some of us’ I am of course referring to my wife.

Idiot vs Treadmill

Treadmills are not toys. Treadmills are not intended to be fun and I've made it clear before that I find them to be a necessary evil for the serious runner. So when I see a young teenager who's clearly not dressed to work-out step onto a treadmill with a big cheesy grin on his face I know it's time to grab the video camera. When I hear the words "turn it up as fast as it will go" I know that I'm about to witness morons at the pinnacle of their game. Fortunately for you dear reader, some of these future lawyers and doctors of America have really raised the bar on stupidity by posting the evidence of their brilliance on YouTube. Man, I love YouTube! Those videos inevitably end up making an appearance on some halfwit's blog. I am that halfwit.

You'll notice in all of the videos that the camera person just keeps filming and doesn't help the fallen runner at all, except for the last one where the camera person is the fallen runner. I actually think that's a nice twist, because it lets me see from the first person perspective what it would look like to be an idiot myself.

By my count the finally tally here is Idiots 0, Treadmills 4
Enjoy.

In conclusion should you ever be fortunate enough to witness some of these future Darwin Award prospects please grab your camera so we can all enjoy some laughs at their expense.

Treadmill Bike?

This video is obviously a joke, but that's my kind of treadmill. It looks like so much more fun than a tradtional treadmill.



Video found and posted on the Runners World Forums by 'backinthesaddleagain' whose blog you can read here, and I recommend that you do.

Tempo Run

Despite having made my feelings about treadmills clear, last night I ran on ours because I was scheduled to do a tempo run and it’s much easier to control my speed on the treadmill. You don’t even have to think about how fast you’re running and ‘not thinking’ is something that I’m good at. I began with a mile warm up at a 10:30 minute mile pace. Then I did six tempo miles at a 9 minute mile pace (which is my goal pace for the upcoming Bolder Boulder) and finished with a cool down mile at 10:30 pace again.

While it was encouraging to run 6 miles at close to my goal pace it was a little discouraging how tired it made me feel and I couldn’t escape the thought that if I’d have been running outside I would have slowed down. As I mentioned, the good thing about the treadmill (if there is one) is that when you set it to a 9 minute mile pace you have to keep running at that speed or you fall off the back and hurt yourself. Especially, if you live dangerously like I do and don’t clip the safety key/kill switch to your shirt. I find that living on the edge like that keeps me sharp. I’ll leave my seatback slightly reclined during takeoff and landing without batting an eyelid, and I even signed the waiver on the back of my race bib without reading it! You know what I waived? Me either! Seriously, I didn’t read it and I think I’m the better for it.

With this tempo run over my tapering has officially started (see previous post) and that really sucks because it means that I’m running less which in turn means that I’m burning less calories than I’m used to. I have more free time because I’m not running as often or as far in the evenings, but the one thing that I do to fill my free time is eat, and that’s going to hurt me.

Today’s Tags brought to you by the letter T.

Weather Update

I got home from work today and am happy to report that the weather has changed since my last post, the snow has stopped, the ground is dry, and therefore it is with great regret that I must type the following:

Dear Treadmill,
This is the hardest letter that I’ve ever had to write. It just seems like we’ve grown apart, you used to be so much fun. What happened to you? You changed. Don’t take that the wrong way… it’s not you it’s me. I’m just not ready for a commitment.

Before I can be OK with US, I’ve got to be OK with ME. I just want to be friends, besides you deserve better than me. The thing is, there’s someone else. You remember the road, you met her when I brought you home from the store. She’s fun, she get’s me, she’s spontaneous. I’ll always treasure the good times we had.

All that just to say that I didn’t have to run on the treadmill tonight afterall.

Treadmills are for Hamsters

It’s snowing here in Denver today, and that really sucks because it means that I’m going to have to go down to the depths of my unfinished basement and run on the treadmill. If it was just cold outside I’d simply put on my hey-that-guy-looks-like-he’s-about-to-break-into-my-house hoodie and ski-mask and run outside, shrinkage be damned. Alas, I cannot risk slipping on the ice and snow and getting injured.

Fortunately I only have 4 miles scheduled for today, because if it was anything longer I might die of boredom. I meet a lot of runners who love to run on the treadmill, but I don’t know how you do it. I stare at the dull concrete wall, running towards it at a lightning fast pace (it’s my blog - I decide what constitutes a lightning fast pace) not going anywhere, not feeling the breeze in my hair, not smelling the freshly cut grass and the BBQs, not waving at fellow runners on the trail, not enjoying the views and I wonder to myself “how do hamster’s do it?” … I mean, how do hamsters run in a wheel, not literally how do they DO IT… well sometimes I wonder that too, because I’m just THAT bored.

You’re probably thinking, “Hey, it didn’t start snowing until this afternoon, why didn’t he just get up early and run before work?” Yeah, right. That just smacks of dedication and motivation, and if I possessed those two qualities I wouldn’t be posting to my blog in the middle of the work day now would I?

Anyway, thanks for listening to me rant and reading to the end. Your reward? Enjoy this little video that sums up my views on treadmills.