Non Runners- Why are they so Stupid?

This post has been a long time coming. It began percolating in my bemused little brain last year after the Bolder Boulder. A coworker and I were comparing our Bolder Boulder times when a third coworker interrupted our conversation with this: “Wow Ian, she almost beat you, and you’ve been running a lot longer than she has!” My time last year was 52:07, her time was 1:02:xx. How on earth do you consider losing by 10 minutes in a 10K race almost beating someone? I could have boiled 3 eggs at the finish line before she got there, one at a time! I mean we’re talking about a pace of 8:24 versus a pace of 10:00. If you were standing at the Mile 1 marker you would see me pass it and then a full minute and a half later you would see her pass it, that’s a lot of separation in a footrace.

I suppose that some of this can be attributed to not understanding the sport, but some of it is just basic math and it’s much more fun to call people idiots than it is to try to understand where they are coming from. Incidentally, I think that’s also the first rule for any kind of political punditry.

Anyway I was reminded how stupid non runners can be when I was talking to yet another coworker this past Monday about my January marathon (he brought it up, not me). He asked me if I had followed any kind of pacing strategy when running the marathon, which actually showed some promise that an intelligent discussion might ensue, but one didn’t. I told him that my goal was to start with a slow easy pace and then pick it up a little in the middle and late stages. He responded by saying “Oh, I see. So did you start at like a 12 minute mile pace and then finish at a 6 minute mile pace?” Yes, yes that’s exactly what I did.

Finally, this post really started to take shape when my wife updated her Facebook status with the number of weeks left until the Bolder Boulder 10K and a non running friend of ours commented “run a mile for me, I hate marathons!” I told Candis that she should let him know that a 10K was not a marathon, but she seems content to let his unenlightened mind believe that she is running a marathon. It’s easy to see why we’re together.

Then there’s the question that we’ve all heard at one point or another; “how long is a marathon?” or worse yet “how long is this marathon?” as though it might be a different distance in different states. So, let’s hear it in the comments, what stupid things have non runners said to you lately?

Your Bay to Breakers Discount Code

I was recently contacted by a rep from the Bay to Breakers 12K asking if I would help promote their race. If there was ever a race that Half-Fast would support and promote then the Bay to Breakers 12K is it. It embodies everything that Half-Fast is about and if you haven’t heard about this race previously then you need to start boning up. According to the e-mail the Bay to Breakers, now in its 98th year, is one of the world’s largest and oldest footraces, which begs the question of why they wanted my help in promoting it.

Nevertheless they told me that they wanted me to offer a 5% discount to readers of Half-Fast. However, since I assumed that I wouldn’t be the only blog making this offer and since I wanted to be better than all the other blogs making such an offer I used a combination of charm, smooth talk and my awesomely superior negotiating skills to get you a bigger discount, which is why if you use the Half-Fast discount code below you can get a 5% discount. I like to think that it’s a 5.00001% discount that rounds down to 5% despite the emphatic “no” I received when I floated the idea.

The Bay to Breakers 12K race, like much of San Francisco, is full of wacky traditions. One example being the “salmon” group, who don fish-like hats and run upstream from the finish to the start. Many other racers also dress in costumes ranging from comical to nothing but body paint. (By the way, where are we on getting the guy that invented body paint a Nobel Prize? He totally deserves it.) One guy even ran it last year dressed like this. (That link is safe for work, but not safe for lunchtime viewing.) Before you go Googling images from the Bay to Breakers from previous years you’re going to want to make sure that your safe search is turned on because if you don’t you’re going to get a visit from your IT guy and maybe from corporate security. Trust me it’s not easy to explain why you were viewing pictures of hoo hoos and people dressed as hoo hoos.

So, if you’re interested in participating in this block party of a race and you want a 5% discount then follow the steps outlined below.

• Visit http://www.ingbaytobreakers.com/ for details about the race
• Register online by midnight on April 30th, 2009 to receive the early registration price with an additional 5% discount http://tinyurl.com/cy3vkw
• Enter this coupon code 5HALFFAST09 (case sensitive) and click ‘redeem’ before completing your registration
• This offer is limited to the first 100 registrants, so make sure to register as soon as possible!

Using the Half-Fast code above is critical to them being able to track how many registrants found them via this blog, which will allow them to see how big a mistake it was to ask me to help promote it.

Phone it in Friday

Hey, who wants to see a video of some guy named Danny MacAskill doing some tricks on his bike? I hope you answered yes, because that’s what you’re getting today. Speaking of bikes I rode mine the other night, but Candis says it doesn’t count. I got home from a 7 mile tempo run and was invited to a friend’s house for some drinks to celebrate his wife passing her nursing exam (whatever that thing is called). Congrats Ruth! Anyway, since they live literally 2 blocks away we usually walk but I didn’t feel like walking on account of the 7 tempo miles I had just run and driving 2 blocks seemed too lazy, even for me (not that I haven’t driven to his house in the past) so I rode my bike there. And back! Isn’t that what you triathletes call a brick workout? Candis laughed when I suggested this and said no, but what does she know?

Update on yesterday’s BBQ post:  Last night I did a 3 mile easy run and when I got home Candis was grilling chicken on the BBQ, so despite her refusal to acknowledge my brick workout she’s still OK in my book. I think I’ll keep her. Naturally, I still found some things about the meal to complain about i.e. I didn’t smell anyone grilling on my run last night so I wasn’t particularly in the mood for BBQ.

The video below, like many of the videos that I post, was found at With Leather and features Danny MacAskill doing all kinds of sick stunts on his bike. Incidentally, for a guy that has obviously spent a lot of time on a bike seat, MacAskill ranks right up there with Bolt on the name-to-sport appropriateness scale.




Have a good weekend everyone!

Just Stop Already!

You know what really annoys me? If you’re thinking “the wind” then you’re right but it’s not the topic of this post. You may also be thinking “Subway commercials” or “Viper” or “the lady with 45 items in the self-scan lane at the grocery store” and those are all good guesses but perhaps you should stop with the incessant guessing and let me tell you what it is before I add “incessant guessing” to the list. The thing that is chafing the figurative nether regions of my character today is barbequing. “But that’s un-American!” you exclaim. “Stop interrupting, and let me explain,” I reply.

What’s really annoying about BBQing (not be confused with BQing) is that I can’t go 400 meters on an evening run lately without smelling something delicious being grilled. Since the weather has improved and the days are longer it seems that every house along the path that I run has decided to torment me by BBQing hamburgers, hot dogs, steaks and all manners of delectable charred meat products. It makes me envious. I don’t want to be running, I want to be eating delectable charred meat products. You’re probably thinking “why don’t you just grill something when you get home from your run?” And that’s a good question but the problem is that Candis usually has dinner ready when I get home from my run, so unless I’ve requested that we BBQ before I run, it’s too late. Talk about annoying, right? You guys can’t even imagine what I have to put up with.

One of these days I’m just going to snap and jump someone’s fence, unlid their Weber, and make off with a handful of burgers and brats. I’ve already scoped out several houses with low, hurdleable fences and BBQs that aren’t located near windows. I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes, or I’ll stop posting all together because I doubt they let you update your blog from the hoosegow. You might be thinking “but greasy burgers are probably not good fuel for your runs, won’t you upset your stomach?” “Good point,” I reply while adding “interrupting” to my list of annoying things.

Don’t laugh, they plump when you cook ‘em!

Number 3 on the Podium...

... But still number one in my pants heart. I’m talking about Kara Goucher (a fellow CU alum), who finished 3rd in the Boston Marathon yesterday. I kept checking in on the race throughout the morning and was thrilled to see her in the lead pack early. As the race wore on, I was even more excited to see her leading the pack, pushing the pace (somewhat) and working to drop some of the other runners off the back. This worked as she eventually whittled the lead pack down to 3 runners but couldn’t hang with Kosgei (the eventual winner) and Tune as they surged past her with 800 meters to go. Kara was visibly upset at finishing 3rd so I thought I’d try to cheer her up by posting a list of things that she finished first in yesterday:

• Sexiest runner (women’s division).
• Sexiest runner (overall).
• Hottest ever application of arm warmers. (Those things have never looked so good.)
• Only person to ever successfully pull off the black running shoes/black athletic socks combo.
• Hottest person to ever wear NFL style wide receiver gloves (apparently she had a problem grabbing water bottles in the NYC marathon and this was the solution).
• Easily beat all runners from rival school NU (ha!) Note: I didn’t research this but I’m pretty sure Kosgei and Tune didn’t go to NU.

Get out of the bike lane!
Oh yeah, I guess some American named Ryan Hall also took 3rd in the Boston Marathon but he suffers the unfortunate fault of not being as hot as Kara. It’s OK Ryan, not many are. Congrats to both runners all the same.

Image credit: Steward Dawson (Flickr) - Many more pictures of the race here.

Boston Marathon Day

Best of luck to all those running the Boston Marathon today, I know that there are a number of fellow running bloggers who are running it but I’m not going to attempt to list them here because I’d probably miss some and wind up hurting people’s feelings and the last thing I need right now is to be apologizing profusely and trying to mend broken fences with the likes of Kara Goucher.

In honor of those running today I’m going to be dropping my r’s, overusing the adjective ‘wicked’ and adding a ‘y’ to the end of everyone’s name. “I just put that repaht on yah desk Scotty, it was wicked hahd so I hope you appreciate it.” To really make your Boston accent authentic you’re also going to have to curse every 3rd or 4th word for no apparent reason.

I’m going to share a little secret with you; running Boston is not something that has ever appealed to me. I’ll tell you why since I doubt that anyone that’s actually running Boston is stopping by here today to see what I’ve got to say. First of all to qualify for Boston I’d have to get significantly faster, this isn’t the part that doesn’t appeal to me, I would love to be fast enough to BQ. However, once I got to be fast enough for Boston why would I want to go run a tough marathon course where I was practically guaranteed to be one of the slowest runners there? (By virtue of just barely qualifying.) If I put in all the work to get that fast, I’m going to go run one of the flat Rock ‘n’ Roll marathons with thousands of people slower than me so that I can finish in the top 30 - 40% as opposed to finishing in the 90th percentile as I imagine I would in Boston.

Don’t get me wrong, I can definitely see the draw of running a prestigious marathon like Boston, I just don’t think it’s for me. Anyway, don’t spend any more of your time today reading my wicked sahcastic remahks, head on over to baa.org to follow the live commentary of the race and check out the links to watch it live online.

And again, best of luck to all the suckers racers running today. You guys already rock!

Hello Treadmill

Last night it was raining and cold and windy and wet (as a result of the rain I suspect), so when it came time to do my 5 mile tempo run I went down to the basement to run on the treadmill. Usually I really hate having to run on the treadmill because I get so bored with it, but lately I’ve noticed that my feelings can no longer be described as hate because that is much too nice a word for the way I feel about the Rubber Band of Doom (Raz’s phrase, not mine). Lately my feelings towards the treadmill are better summed up by the words despise, loathe, and abhor and even that’s not enough. What I need is a superword that combines all those things like despoathor. My despoathor for running on the treadmill is so deep and dark that the depths of it cannot be known to mortal man. If despoathor was measured by human rights violations and pollution I’d be China. But I’m letting the analogy runaway with the post so I’ll try to get back on track.

What I’m trying to tell you is that I don’t like to run on the treadmill, I hope that came across. This despoathor for the treadmill usually results in me watching TV while I run to distract myself from what I’m doing. If I can get lost in a good TV show like Gilmore Girls SportsCenter then I can lose my focus on how many hundredths of a mile have ticked by and the time seems to pass quicker. Last night I found a new show to watch that was great to run to: UFC Unleashed. For those of you who haven’t seen it’s an hour long program that shows old UFC fights. (UFC = Ultimate Fighting Championship.) Now I’ve never been a huge UFC fan, but there was something about watching it last night that made my run feel so much easier. Maybe it was an adrenaline rush from watching two guys beat each other’s brains out or maybe it was the idea that no matter how hard my run was I knew that I still wasn’t in as much pain as that guy on the TV. Whatever it was, it worked. I’ve got a new show to TiVo just in case I have to run on the treadmill again in the future.

For those of you who have never watched UFC, here’s a compilation of some knockouts courtesy of Anderson “The Spider” Silva.



Finally, because it’s Friday and I do actually listen to your comments, here are the pictures that you’ve been asking for. For the guys: More Anna! For the ladies: Ryan Reynolds who ran the NYC Marathon and Matthew McConaughey, who some of you astutely pointed out ran a triathlon. Confidential to Matty: Get yourself a manlier running stride. You may be faster than me and more successful and more attractive and more ripped and more famous but I’ve got the manlier running style. Winner? Probably Matty, but it’s close, no?

Cross Training, It’s Not For Everyone

For some time now I’ve been using the FIRST plan to prepare for upcoming races and one of the essential elements of the FIRST plan is cross training. Since you only run 3 days a week, you have to do cross training 2 - 3 times a week in order to maintain fitness. After I realized that cross training didn’t mean training while you were angry I quickly learned that I hate cross training the way that A-Rod hates hitting in the postseason. I’ve tried everything to get myself to be more committed to cross training but nothing ever sticks. I tried jumping rope, but I sucked at it. I tried biking, but it made my butt sore. I tried various strength training programs, I tried Wii Fit, I tried spinning, I tried the 100 pushup challenge, I tried lifting weights, I even once tried doing some chores around the house, but just like everything else it didn’t take. I tried just about everything with the exception of Yoga (that post was written by my wife, hosers). I tried sitting there with my thumbs up my butt (maybe that’s why my butt was sore?). I tried Wii Mario Kart, I even tried lounging on the couch watching sports. That one actually took, but it turns out it doesn’t count as cross training. For a second I thought we had a winner.

I’ve finally found something that is going to work and I’m happy to be able to tell you that from now on when I have a cross training day in between running days the thing that I’m going to do is. . . *drumroll please* . . . more running. The FIRST plan actually allows for this, stating that you can “either cross-train or complete easy runs on other days of the week.” I’m not sure why it has never occurred to me in the past to do an easy run on my off days, it’s probably due to all those head injuries. This new form of “cross training” also has the added benefit of increasing my weekly mileage. You may remember (unless you too have a long history of severe concussions) that I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago confessing that I had run 12 miles over a 2 week span. Last week with my new “cross training” I logged 26 miles.

The truth is I enjoy running more than any of those other things that I mentioned above (well, except for lounging and watching sports) so why am I looking for something else to do for exercise? It makes about as much sense as the pronunciation of Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s last name (pronounced shah - shef - skee). From now on when my training schedule calls for a cross training day I’m lacing ‘em up and going out for an easy 3 or 4 mile run. Of course there’s always the possibility that this added mileage will lead to a post in the not too distant future talking about my new &%$#ing overuse injury, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take because good heavens man, I’ve got to try something. Besides, as my wife likes to remind me, “failing is funnier.”

P.S. Sorry I didn’t post yesterday and made you look at those Kournikova pictures for two days.

Anna Kournikova is Running

Former tennis Champion player Anna Kournikova recently participated in the Nautica South Beach Triathlon (½ mile swim, 19 mile bike, 4 mile run), and when I say that she participated in the Triathlon I mean that she just did the running part. That’s my kind of Tri. Kournikova was the running leg of a relay team that completed the tri in 1:30:58. In doing the tri, Kournikova was able to accomplish something that she was never able to do in the tennis world; being officially referred to as #1. Oooh, that one’s gonna’ sting for a while!

Carrying tennis racquets around helps you know who she is.
This story has been reported on several of the celebrity gossip blogs mostly because there are some good close-ups of Ms. Kournikova’s butt in spandex. (For the record, I would never stoop to objectifying chicks like that here at Half-Fast.) The story was also reported by EverymanTri but despite all the coverage that this has received no one has yet reported how fast Kournikova ran her 4 mile leg of the race. No one until now. I did a little investigative reporting (looked up the results) and discovered that Kournikova posted a time of 27:53 for her 4 mile leg, a blistering 6:59 pace.

Color me impressed. I was expecting something much slower but I probably should have known better. Despite being an easy target and never having won any singles titles, Kournikova was at one time a world class athlete, breaking into the top 10 during the peak of her career. It really shouldn’t surprise me that she’s faster than I am, and that commands my respect. Plus, she’s smokin’ hott! I just don’t know what she sees in Enrique Iglesias. What does he have that I don’t? (Rhetorical.)

You can read Kournikova’s recap of the race on her blog here. (She’s probably overjoyed to have just received a link from Half-Fast!)

Thanks for the tip on this story to awesome reader Chris, who once attained the number one ranking in the world for coolness, but lost it when they found out he drove a VW Bug (total chick car).

Ohmmmmm

[by Candis, who is sick of looking at the picture in the post below]

Yoga on a beach? Does life get any better?
It’s everywhere. It’s great for you and you spend half your time curled up like a child. No, I’m not talking about Thanksgiving with your in-laws I’m talking about yoga. We don’t take yoga classes as runners because we are above that. We are better. We pound the pavement faster by the month. People gawk at us as they drive by with their Baconator in hand. “Wow, look at her go.” [Ed Note: or him!]

But the press is everywhere. Yoga, like Wal-Mart is taking over and once you try both you’ll be more flexible, stronger, and have more money in your pocket- not to mention a lifetime supply of Smiley-O cereal for your carb loading needs.

It takes different lengths for us to give in and take a yoga class. For me it took a large word that I still cannot pronounce. Plantar Fasciitis, which looks way too much like fascist- coincidence? My left arch and calf are attacking my heel. It’s like little rubber bands snapping through my heel. The solution... stretches. Crap! I was hoping it was surgery or expensive orthotics- anything but stretching!

I’ve been intrigued by yoga for a few years but feared it was too new age. Fortunately I’m not good enough for the class where you teach your body to harness high powers- Ya right. Other than a few mentions of “sending your breath to muscles that won’t stretch” and something about my light that I missed, it was just plain relaxing. Like a massage that makes you strong and flexible. (I should mention that I took a class recently from a woman who I think was used to teaching a fast step class- her tempo was not helpful or relaxing.)

I should also mention that yoga is not only for gumbi women or only for women for that matter. [Ed Note: Nice try, but I’m not falling for it that easily.] I have taken classes with generously portioned women and biker dudes (like Harley not like Lance) and with muscle guys whose muscles quiver as they beg them to bend. There is no ogling because you have to look cool to hit on someone. It’s really just about you. It’s not about chocolate milks, laundry, meetings or a declining economy.

I do have one requirement for you. It’s just my personal requirement as most people would allow you to go on your merry way now. Buy your own mat. Seriously. I forbid you to borrow a generously offered class mat off of the mountain of sweat and germs. My feet sweat like nobody’s business and after seeing some of the others in the class, I do not want their mat next time. Now that I’ve grossed you out, shell out the $20 and get over yourself. It’s soooo good.

I Have a Secret

No time for a real post today, but I just thought I’d share a secret on why I’ve never suffered a serious running injury. It’s because. . .

. . . I’m not human. I’m actually a machine. A Terminator!

Head on over to the promo site for Terminator: Salvation and you too can be a Terminator and maybe someday if you play your cards right, a Governator. I bet the Governator simulation involves high priced hookers and blow. Awesome.

Hat Tip to Warming Glow for the link.

Irony in an E-mail

So the other day I’m sitting in my office minding my own business when I get an e-mail from the Bolder Boulder advertising a free entry to the race which is completely worthless to me since I’ve already paid $42 for an entry. I was naturally curious about how to get the free entry and whether I could apply it retroactively so I put down my Bloody Mary and started reading all the fine print. (What, you’re going to judge me for drinking a Bloody Mary at work? It was too early in the day for scotch.) The basic premise of the e-mail was that if you open a free checking account at the bank that sponsors the event you get reimbursed your entry fee. (Note: It’s not the bank that I work for but I’m still not going to name it. I fully realize that you could easily find out which bank it is by looking online at the sponsors for the Bolder Boulder, but if you’re anything like me then you’re way too lazy for that and if any of you post the name of the bank in the comments your comment will be deleted. Go ahead, test my resolve on that one.)

Here’s what the fine print said (emphasis mine):

Minimum opening deposit of $50 required to receive the gift. To be eligible for the award, you must open your new personal checking account between April 1, 2009 and May 22, 2009. The $42 award is considered interest and is subject to IRS and other tax reporting. The award will be given at account opening. The $42 award is considered a bonus that can be revoked if the account is closed within 6 months of opening.

If you’ve been paying attention to what’s been going on with banks, and in particular AIG, lately then you can see where I’m going with this. If you’re not keeping up on your current events then you can stop reading right now, you mouth-breathing simpleton. The bank is threatening to revoke your bonus! They actually put that in writing. This couldn’t be more ironic if Alanis Morissette wrote a song about it. I also like how they’re clear about telling you that it is subject to tax reporting, kind of like how executive bonuses at banks are now subject to a 90% tax. It’s almost like they’re trying to stick it back to you for revoking their bonuses.

I can totally see all these big execs sitting in a conference room (I picture them like the stodgy old guys in that WaMu commercial) thinking up a promotion that gives the consumer a bonus just so they can threaten to revoke it. “It will be hilarious,” they’re saying in my mind. “Yes, yes. It will be even funnier than that one time when Mortimer put dimes in his penny loafers!” Chortle, guffaw.

12 Miles

If you’re training for a half-marathon 12 miles is a long run. If you’re running Boston in 2 weeks 12 miles means you’re in taper mode. If you’re training for a marathon that’s more than 2 weeks away then 12 miles is probably a midweek run but if you’re me, 12 miles is the combined total mileage that you’ve run in the last 2 weeks. That’s right, in the last 2 weeks I’ve run exactly 12 miles. I probably deserve an award or something. During the past 2 weeks I’ve wondered why I’m not getting any faster and why my fitness is not improving like it should. I’ve complained about gaining a few pounds and acted like I couldn’t figure out what might have caused it.

The funny thing is that my lack of mileage these past 2 weeks hasn’t been due to a lack of motivation. Life just keeps getting in the way and I’ve been genuinely frustrated at being unable to find the time to run. These past two weeks I’ve been invited to family dinners, I’ve had to work late, I’ve been invited to bachelor parties, I’ve committed to dinner plans with friends and on my free nights I’ve watched mother nature step in with harsh wind and snow storms. I know, I know, cry me a river. I’m so popular that I don’t have the time to run in all those pairs of free shoes that I’ve been given. Woe is me. I’m sure you’re all feeling desperately sorry for me, but that’s not my intent. No, the intent of this post is to put everyone on notice.

If you want to spend time with me in the evening then you’d better schedule it after my run. You want me to help you with something on Saturday? Not until after my run. You want me to make an appearance at your party? Don’t schedule it during one of my runs. From now on, running takes priority over all extracurricular events and I’m not working late on nights that I have a run planned either. I’m a banker for crying out loud, since when did bankers EVER work late? Not since they needed to get their runs in, that’s when.

This goes for my family too. You need Daddy to fix that toy that you broke? Not until after my run. You need a ride to the hospital because you broke your arm falling off something you shouldn’t have been standing on in the first place? Call an ambulance, Daddy has to run. You need your husband to fix the toilet that won’t stop running? Not until after he stops running. You can’t control your raw, animalistic desires and want to rip off your husband’s clothes the second he gets home from work? . . . I guess my run can wait an extra 3 minutes. I wouldn’t want to seem obsessive about this whole ‘running takes priority’ thing.

Sports drinks and your teeth, they go together like long post titles and your mobile feed reader when viewed on your tiny blackberry screen.

According to a new study publicized on WebMD today, sports drinks may be bad for your teeth. Quoting directly from the article:

“The popular energy drinks sipped by many athletes to increase stamina contain levels of acid that can cause tooth erosion, hypersensitivity, and staining, according to the findings of New York University dental researchers.”

Wait, they increase your stamina? Oh right... in sports. Good, because for a moment there I was going to start drinking sports drinks before bed on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and every 2nd Saturday. That’s the new spring schedule. (Hey, when you have 2 kids you schedule it or you take cold showers.)

The article goes on to say:

“The beverages also can cause excessive tooth wear and may damage underlying bone-like material, causing teeth to soften and weaken, the researchers say.”

Wow. That’s some heavy science talk right there. The bone-like material? It doesn’t have an actual name?

“The drinks may also possibly trigger conditions leading to severe tooth damage and loss.”

May also possibly? Talk about an all-time authoritative assertion. It may possibly be the least conviction I’ve read in a medical article. (Full disclosure: I read very few medical articles.) Also notice that it doesn’t say that it may possibly lead to tooth damage. No, it says that it may possibly trigger conditions and that those conditions can lead to tooth damage and loss. STOP THE PRESSES! Sports drinks may possibly lead to a condition that can, in some instances, lead to tooth damage? Why hasn’t the FDA banned these toxic tonics?

Craig Stevens of the American Beverage Association tries to explain and defend sports drinks with the following comments regarding the study:

“The testing procedures they used are outside the realm of what happens in real life. Beverages pass right through the mouth, and these beverages have a purpose, and are proven to enhance physical performance. To use them like this is simply providing unhelpful information to consumers.”

Yeah right, Craig. Next you’re going to tell me that the researchers unfairly cut the teeth in half and submerged them in the sports drinks for unrealistic periods of time? Oh. Really? That’s exactly what they did?

“In the study, cows’ teeth were cut in half. Half of the specimens were immersed in a sports drink, the other half in water, and then the halves were compared.”

Well I for one am shocked to learn that cutting your teeth in half and submerging them in an artificially colored, sugary drink could stain and erode them, but this should serve as a warning to those of you who follow this practice. Half-Fast is once again taking the lead to bring you critical new information in the field of running. Now that’s information that would be worth paying for, right? Hey, wait. Why are you leaving?

I Crack Me Up

So hopefully you’ve all figured out by now that yesterday’s post was an April Fools’ Day joke. I realize that there are some people out there who hate April Fools’ Day and the jocularity that comes with it, but I don’t suppose that those people read Half-Fast in the first place. If you were one of the people who were initially duped then you weren’t alone as I received several comments and e-mails yesterday indicating that people had fallen for it. I guess it must be entirely believable that I would sell out and pull a stunt like that for a buck or two. Maybe it’s because I’m such a sell out when it comes to product reviews and free stuff? Nah, that can’t be it.

What really should have given it away (other than the tags at the bottom of the post) was the idea that I’d even consider allowing Nitmos to post here. Half-Fast would be overrun by calf cramps and llama references quicker than you can say “fruit from your anus,” and if you understood all of those references then you have my sincerest condolences.

Anyway, I don’t have much to say today but the good news is I did make another video over at xtra normal. It’s like I’ve found a new crutch to lean on when I don’t feel like writing a real post! If you didn’t watch the first video you’ll want to watch it before you watch this one otherwise this one won’t make any sense. Or maybe you won’t want to watch either of them and that’s totally fine but you’re missing out on some wonderful, puerile humor which is why you come here in the first place, isn’t it?



If you’re having trouble viewing the embedded video you can click here to watch it at xtra normal.

Half-Fast Hits the Deuce

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of Half-Fast and the beginning of the next phase for this humble little blog. Yes, I said humble and I even kept a straight face when I said it. Despite what you might think from the random subject matter and the haphazard posting schedule, I have always had big plans for this blog. There has always been a specific, written strategy for this blog that I’ve admittedly tinkered with and changed over the last 2 years but for the most part I’ve stuck to it and I’m excited to tell you about the next phase.

I am pleased to announce a couple of changes today that will make the site a lot better, one of them will make it better for you and the other will make it better for me. Actually in a roundabout way they'll both make it better for me but I thought that you guys would feel special if I indicated that one of the changes was for you. What are those changes? I’m glad you asked.

First of all, Nitmos from Feet Meet Street has agreed to come on board and help with posting duties here at Half-Fast. In fact, one of the reasons that you haven’t seen him over at FMS recently is because he and I have been working out the details of his new role here and how we’ll work together to make Half-Fast as gooder as possible (his words not mine). This means that the number of posts here at Half-Fast is probably going to increase significantly and the productivity coming out of your office is probably going to suffer. Nitmos will still post occasionally at FMS but the bulk of his posts going forward will be found here.

Secondly, (and this is the part that will primarily benefit me and Nitmos) in the very near future we will begin posting some premium content, meaning content that will require a nominal monthly fee in order to view. Think of it like ESPN’s INsider content, except that this will be totally worth paying for. We haven’t decided on what the premium content subscription fee will be, but rest assured it will be less than the coffee you bought this morning on your way in to work. We also haven’t decided how many posts will initially be considered premium content, but as time progresses it will likely get closer and closer to 100 percent. We’ll try to make this as painless as possible for you since we don’t want to lose any readers and we may even give away some free lifetime subscriptions when we make the switch to premium content. Stay tuned for more details about this process.

I’ve always aspired to draw some type of income from Half-Fast (look around you at all the ads) and while I’ve never had any delusions that I would be able to quit my day job I think that this is a step in the right direction. Speaking of the ads, once you become a premium subscriber you will no longer be subjected to them any more so that’s just one more reason that you should sign up to become a premium subscriber.

Join me in welcoming Nitmos into the fold and help me give myself a big pat on the back for blogging for 2 years.