Weekend Splits

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.

Every week I find more great blogs and articles which I try to share with you in the Weekend Splits so that you have some better reading options than Half-Fast. Eventually I'll have shown you enough cool blogs that you won't have to come here and read lame stories about a thirty-something dad who pees on himself and occasionally gets mad at cops. The plan is to eventually phase myself out like the dodo bird.

Get your mind out of the gutter. It's a Banana Guard!

I try to keep the picture for the weekend splits somewhat interesting and I just couldn't pass up the phallic banana guard that was featured on Crunch 'Nanas, which by the way is one of the cool blogs that I was referring to above. Technically it wasn't featured this past week but I'll let it slide based on the sheer awesomeness of it.

Do you have fat friends? Cranky Fitness thinks you should get rid of them before the fatness rubs off on you. OK, that's not what she said but there was a very interesting post about obesity being socially contagious. Cranky Fitness is written by an author named Crabby McSlacker which is an awesome name but really sucks because now I can't use it.

Lost Runner would like to remind you to be sure and register for the race that you're training for.

Über-Fast runner Marcy sent me a link this past week to a running blog called The Lost Hawaiian and more specifically to a non-running related article that she posted about Thongs. Hooray Thongs! At this point I'd like to go on the record and state that I too have never worn a thong.

Thanks to Self Propelled and to Runners Lounge for the Shout Outs, while you're over at Runners Lounge go check out their Weird Running Stories and add your own. I'd add one of my own, but I don't really have any interesting running stories.

Enjoy the weekend everyone, and happy running!

My New Shoes SUCK

I’ve now had 2 runs in my new shoes. They're the Mizuno Wave Alchemy's and I have to tell you, I'm not impressed. They didn't make me any faster, they didn't make me any less tired, they didn't make me sweat less, and that nice new shoe smell? Gone. Just up and vanished like a fart in the wind.

I will say in their defense that I look good in them. I mean, I didn't think that it was possible for me to look any more handsome than I already do, but somehow Mizuno managed to accomplish it. Bravo Mizuno! They look so good that I wore them to work with my suit. I know, I know big fashion faux pas right? Wrong! I totally rock the running shoes with a suit look, as does Justin Timberlake (right).

In all fairness to Mizuno the shoes feel great. I suppose it's possible that the slowness and tiredness is due to operator error, or more likely due to the fact that the FIRST plan has me running high intensity intervals on Wednesday and a pretty fast tempo run on Thursday. Yeah, that's better, let's blame this on the FIRST plan not my ineptitude. Shouldn't I get a rest day or a cross training day in between?

Yesterday when I started my tempo run, my legs were stiffer than Richard Simmons in an NFL locker room, so I ended up just doing an easy run and forgoing the 'tempo' all together. It was so bad that even when I felt like I was really pushing the pace I was actually running at what should be considered a recovery pace. There's nothing more disheartening than feeling like you're going fast and discovering you're not, except maybe seeing that devastatingly handsome runner in the Mizuno Wave Alchemy's and then realizing that it's Vanilla so all you can do is look. Sorry ladies, that 165 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal is happily married.

France: Running is Undignified

The Washington Post recently published an article titled In France, Jogging is a Running Joke, which is ironic because in America, France is a running joke. The article, which you need to read to believe, states that the French people are outraged by new French president Nicolas Sarkozy running. "Sarkozy's running is an un-French, right-wing conspiracy" suggests Libération, a left wing Parisian newspaper. Charles Bremmer, a Paris correspondent for the Times of London has stated that "Sarkozy has fueled a French suspicion that running is for self-centered individualists like Americans."

French President Nicolas Sarkozy

[Begin French Accent]Mais Oui! But of course! ’Ow do you expect to smoke ze cigarette while you are running? And what of your consumption of le vin et le fromage. You would surely spill your wine! Oh Mon Dieu! [End Accent]

Alain Finkielkraut, a leading French intellectual [oxymoron alert], recently
demanded that Sarkozy give up his "undignified" exercise. Not only did he imply
that exposing the boss's naked knees [sacré bleu! naked knees?] is something
that never would have occurred in the time of Mitterrand, much less Louis XIV,
Finkielkraut [moron alert] claimed strolling is the proper activity of the
thinking person.

Oh sure. They are completely against running until Nazi Germany comes knocking and then you've never seen an army turn tail and run so fast. And since this Finkielkraut knucklehead brought up Louis XIV, do you know what else would have never occurred in the time of Louis XIV? (French Monarch from 1643 – 1715.) Democracy, women's rights, running water, surviving a bout with the common cold, and decent living conditions.

Perhaps the French should focus their outrage on something more needy of their attention, like the apparent lack of women's razors or their penchant for poor hygiene, or even putting an end to doping on the Tour De France. Apparently cycling is still considered a dignified activity even if your blood is teeming with more narcotics than Lindsay Lohan's. Viva La France!

Excuse me, I'm trying to pee here

Uh oh, I think I have to pee. Let's see, I've got about 6 miles left on this run, so I'm not going to make it back home. Are there any port-a-potties on my route? Yes, yes I think there is one at that park a half mile from here. I can make it. Don't think about it just keep running until you get to the park.

Finally, here's the park and right over there is... Wait... Where did the port-a-pot go? I swear that there was one here. Crap! Just keep running I guess. Perhaps I can find a tree or a bush or something. Ooh, there are some good bushes and trees by the stream in a mile and a half. Stream. Running water. Uh oh. I need to find somewhere to take a leak and I mean STAT people! This is not a drill!

Over there! Those bushes aren't really big enough but if I squat down like I'm stretching I think I could make it work. I'm going for it. Wait! There are kids over there playing soccer. Maybe they won't notice? Nope. Too risky, not to mention too hard explain what I was doing with my pants around my ankles in the bushes near the kiddies playing soccer. Good catch. Definitely not worth the risk. Keep going.

Awww man! That would be a great place to relieve myself if those cyclists weren't stopped there. Why are they stopped? Get moving! I could totally pee behind that tree if they weren't there and it's going to be a while before I find another secluded place to go.

OK, I'm in trouble. No one in the history of the world has ever needed to take a piss more than I do right now. I'm going to explode. Seriously, I think this could be dangerous to my health. Just go man, just let it go. No, you can make it.

At last, here come's a big tree up ahead. I can... no! An old couple running towards me from the other direction. It's OK. I'll just take it slowly and after they pass me I'll run down into the ditch and hydrate the tree. Smile and wave. Hello. OK... now... the coast is clear. There you go, just a quick glance to make sure the old couple isn't stopping. Oh no! They're turning around! Abort! Abort! This is their freaking turnaround point?!? I can't catch a break! Quick run back up to the path. And now they're following me, probably wondering what I was doing running down to the ditch. Quick, do it again so they think it's part of your training regimen. There we go. OK, one more time down to the ditch and back up so it just looks like some kind of weird intervals or mini hill sprints or something.

Alright, I think I've lost the old couple. I'm pretty fast so they must be a ways back by now and there's a couple of trees around this bend that will provide adequate shelter for my bathroom break. Here we go. Aaaaaaannnddd go. Commence evacuation. Seriously. Let's go already, you've had to pee for 5 miles and now you're going to get stage fright? PEE ALREADY!

AHHHHHHHHHH. Relief. Well that's just great, how did I manage to splash it on my shoes? And my ankle? Gross! Oh no! I hear the old couple coming. Hurry up. HURRY UP! There we go. Quickly now, back on the trail before they see me. Down into the ditch and back up. Down into the ditch and back up. Nothing to see here folks, just doing my mini hill sprints.

Huh, what do you know. I guess the old saying is true; "You can shake it, you can squeeze it, you can bang it on a wall, but not until it's in your pants does the last drop fall!"

Runner’s Creed

Old Shoes, New Shoes. Dull Shoes, Bright Shoes.

These are my shoes.
There are many like them, but these ones are mine.
My shoes are my best friend. They are my life. I must master them as I must master my life.
My shoes, without me, are useless. Without my shoes, I am useless.*

As you can probably guess from the picture above I bought new shoes over the weekend. My old shoes have served me well, but they now have over 430 miles on them and a little bit of pee. Yes, you read that right, but I'll have more about the pee thing in tomorrow's post. I bet you can't wait can you?

I went to a running store and had them fit me for a new pair of shoes. It was the first time that I've done this and I got to wear several different running shoes on a treadmill that they filmed and then analyzed. The analysis was a little difficult due to my 4 year old figuring out where the camera was and continually poking his smiling mug into the shot and waving, but we found out that I'm pretty average. Imagine that, the guy whose moniker is Vanilla is plain and average. Shocking. Essentially we found several pairs of shoes that would work for my gait including the same pair of Asics that I was retiring but I wanted something that looked a little different.

I ended up buying a pair of the Mizuno Alchemy's. Alchemy, as you probably know is the medieval science of turning baser metals into gold, which is ironic because that's how I intend to pay for the shoes. I have some lead that I can use but just need to get my hands on that formula. If you have access to the formula for this please post it in the comments section.

*Adaptation of the Rifleman's Creed (AKA My Rifle, AKA The Creed of The United States Marine)

Weekend Splits

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.

Oscar Pistorius has a first name...

Nike's "I am not a runner..." video has been making the rounds on several of the blogs that I visit, but I first saw it on Learning to Run so he gets the nod here. If you haven't seen it you should go check it out. For all the attention Pearl Izumi and Reebok have generated with their ad campaigns I am always a big fan of Nike's ads.

Mike Antonucci thinks that Murphy was probably a runner, and I think I'd have to agree.

Rumors and Rants is rooting for Oscar Pistorius, but not for the reasons that you might think. Incidentally does anyone else think of Australopithecus when they hear this guy's name? No? Just me then? OK. For a more scientific view and to learn whether Oscar's blades are an unfair advantage, visit The Science of Sport.

A runner was recently arrested and despite my recent reporting of police officers unnecessarily harassing runners this guy probably deserved to be harassed as he was running buck naked. With Leather has more on it.

Shout Outs
This is becoming a regular part of the weekend splits because anytime I run across someone who has mentioned Half-Fast I like to return the favor.

The Lawson's do Dallas! There are very few blogs that I HAVE to read everyday but this is one of them. Most of the blogs I read are about running or sports, The Lawson's do Dallas is never about sports, only occasionally about running, but ALWAYS HILARIOUS and that makes it worth your time. I've missed important meetings at work because I didn't know when else I was going to have a chance to read Amy's blog. A big thank you to my cyber friend Amy for her kind shout out and endorsement of my blog.

I Signed Up For This?!? also name checked me this week while asking for assistance in finding our missing blogger. No further update on that by the way. I'm beginning to fear the worst. : (

Finally, thank you to Runners Lounge who didn't directly mention me by name but they did link back to my training plan. I also loved the following quote in the article:

We can craft masterful training plans that look cool and sound cool, but without
a little bit of "I will" or "I think I can", they might as well be written on
counterfeit one hundred dollar bills because they won't buy you the race you
want.

Enjoy the weekend! Happy running!

Words I Refuse To Use

There are certain words that you will not see on this blog. Ever. With the exception of this post, because how else would I tell you about them. Oh, and another exception would be the comments section because I know that some of my fine commenters use these words on occasion. No other exceptions… until further notice.

I hereby pronounce the following words banned at Half-Fast:

Half Mary: This is often used in running communities as an abbreviation of half marathon. A half marathon is 13.1 long miles. On October 14th this year the Denver Half Marathon will soundly kick my rump and I'd prefer not to have my rump kicker named after a girl thank you very much. I know that there are many runners who've run longer distances in shorter times, but this will be challenging for me and there will be no sissying it up by referring to it as a half mary. Not on this blog. It was bad enough that during my first attempt at skiing, I was humbled by a bunny slope named the Schoolmarm (more like the Widowmaker), I refuse to now also be humbled by something called the half mary. Perhaps I'll coin a new term; the Half Martin. I think that could catch on quite nicely, although I'm not entirely sure how much tougher Martin is than Mary, with apologies to any Martin's out there reading this... what are you going to do? Beat me up? I doubt it!

Fartlek: If there's anyone reading this who's not familiar with this term you can find an excellent definition of it here. I don't mind when other people use this word but to be blatantly honest with you I think I'm a little too immature to use it. I just don't trust myself to write it without resorting to childish, grade school jokes and none of us wants to see that here on Half-Fast. I'll stick to calling it speedwork or interval training and leave the fartleks to the more serious bloggers who can handle the responsibility of using the word appropriately.

Jog: This also includes any variation of the word, jogging, jogger etc. I'm a runner. I run. Even when I'm doing a recovery run I still consider it running. Everyone has their own opinion on this but that's mine. I know that I used the word in my running vs jogging debate, but there was really no way around it.

Onomatopoeia: Because why would I ever need to use this word on my blog?

That's it for now. Just those four words. I'm sure that I'll have more to add in the future.

I'm a Positive Thinker

What are your favorite mantras? What helps you get through that tough interval or climb the hill ahead of you? Most runners have mantras that they tell themselves while they're running and I'd like to hear yours in the comments. A fellow runner just told me that his is "screw it, run through it!"

I find that the mantras I like to use are mostly positive things. Things like "I am a freakin' machine" and "I don't feel no hill!" My wife is a negative thinker. She tells herself things like "get your lazy butt moving" and "hurry up slow poke" and "sure, I guess I'll settle and just marry this guy." Negative thoughts.

My conclusion from this is that men, with our over-inflated egos tend to use positive mantras, "I'm an animal" while women, who are conditioned by society to think they're not skinny enough or not pretty enough tend to use negative mantras. Granted, my scientific research on this matter consists of surveying only 2 people (me and my wife) but so far it's 100% accurate. I'm going to attempt to post a poll below so that you can vote and we can have a bigger sample size. I figure if all my readers vote we could get upwards of 10 votes! Normally I'm not a big advocate of women voting but in the interest of science I'll let it slide today, so you gals don't worry your pretty little heads about it and vote.

After you vote let me know in the comments if you think that I'm right. If you think that I'm wrong, keep it to yourself. No one likes a negative Nancy.

That's all I got for today, I'm off to go get my run on. Oh, and I'm just kidding ladies.

To the police officer who almost ran me over in the crosswalk

With apologies to my readers because I usually do try to keep this blog pretty clean, but I cannot think of a better way to express how upset I was with the fat-jelly-donut-eating-traffic-cop who almost ran me down the other day.

I'm running on one of the trails near my house and as per usual I come to a crosswalk which is located in a school zone as it always has been. I look to my left and notice that the oncoming traffic has seen me and has agreed to yield, as per my usual agreement with oncoming traffic at crosswalks. The driver of the first car motions for me to go ahead and as I begin to step out onto the road I smile and wave at him 'thank you!' It is at this point that I turn my head to the right just to make sure that per our usual agreement the westbound lane has also stopped to allow me to traverse the crosswalk upon which I am now embarking.

To my surprise the cop car that is barreling down on me in the far lane actually speeds up to beat me to the crosswalk and effectively cuts me off! This is not per my usual agreement with traffic at crosswalks. Perhaps he was in a hurry to ticket another runner running in a bike lane or perhaps traffic cops are above the law.

As if this wasn't enough, the cop gives me a dirty look and shakes his head (and all four chins) disapprovingly as he speeds through the crosswalk. The CROSSWALK in a SCHOOL ZONE! I froze and took a few steps backwards to avoid getting Rodney King'd on the front of his car and then shook my fist and yelled "you'll be sorry when I write about this in my online journal!" OK, that's not what I yelled, I'm really not that much of a geek but I can't actually print what I yelled and hope to keep my cool PG rating. You might think that yelling at a cop is a bad idea, but let me assure you that there's no way that tubby was going to get out of his car and be faster than me (unless we were having a hot-dog eating contest). I was on the tail end of a 5 mile tempo run and he was still sweating more than I was, probably from struggling to reach the box of Krispy Kreme's that had fallen off the passenger seat. Maybe that's why he was so cantankerous, sometimes they mislabel the jelly donuts and you get cream filled instead. I know that always makes me feel like going out and plowing down some pedestrians!

Picture credit to Lieutenant Winslow

Missing Blogger Alert!

On the left side of the Complete Running Network homepage there is a link to a random running blog and I have often suspected that someone actually goes through and picks the 'random' blog to link to. I was recently proved wrong when they linked to a blog ironically named Race to the Finish.

The URL is willifinish.blogspot.com and the author goes only by the name 'Will I Make It?' the answer to both questions would appear to be - NO.

The blog consists of one post that was left back in November of '06 claiming that the author was going to run a marathon and wondering if she could do it. In the single, lonely entry the author asks for YOUR stories, YOUR workouts and YOUR inspirational moments which means that YOU, the running blog readers have failed this poor woman. If in fact she did not achieve her goal then it is YOUR fault dear reader. YOU should be ashamed of yourself!

I wonder whatever happened to this poor young runner? It's like a crossword puzzle that I can't quite figure out, only this time I can't flip to the back and nonchalantly read the upside down answers. I MUST know what happened! If you have any knowledge as to the whereabouts of 'Will I Make it' please post it in the comments. Did she run the marathon? Did she die trying? Did she get up the next day and decide to abandon the blog and the marathon training? Did she enter the witness protection program? Is there something out there that is abducting unsuspecting bloggers? Should I be worried? Will you come back to Half-Fast someday only to find it... abandoned? *shudder*

I would hereby like to officially support Race to the Finish and encourage all my readers to go and leave an encouraging comment on the blog, or even spam the comments with an advertisement as that appears to be OK too.