Family Night at the Track

Yesterday was one of those days when my training schedule clashed with Candis’ training schedule in that we were both scheduled to run. Since we can’t leave our young children alone I naturally assumed that Candis would run on the treadmill so that I could go run outside when I got home from work, but was disappointed to discover that this wasn’t the case at all. Apparently I’m supposed to be willing to make compromises or something but I don’t remember that being part of our agreement. If I hadn’t taped over our wedding ceremony I’d go back and see what we each vowed to do because I’m pretty sure that Candis’ vows had something in there about bowing to my every whim, but Candis doesn’t remember it that way. Selective memory, I guess.

Since we were both planning on doing some intervals we decided to go to the local track and take the kids with us where they could annoy and get in the way of other runners. We packed some snacks for the boys, gave them a stern lecture about staying out of other people’s way and headed to the track. For the most part the boys were content to sit and watch from the bleachers while Dad ran circles around Mom. They ran a few laps with us when we were running cool down laps and David (my 5 year old) even ran a complete lap with me at a 9:45 pace. The rest of their time was spent shouting “go Mom!” or “go Dad!” or “Mom, can I have this Krispie Treat?” They also practiced their long jump, which is good because they totally suck at it.

Good form, poor distance.
All in all it was a fun evening. The boys ran several laps and got a ton of exercise and Candis didn’t have to run on the treadmill. I really wish we’d thought of this earlier in the summer because it would have been a great way for us to spend time together as a family while Candis and I both got some training in, of course now it’s starting to get dark early and it will be harder and harder to squeeze it in. Perhaps next time we’ll bring a happy meal and our portable DVD player with us so the boys don’t get too much exercise and can fit in better with society. I wouldn’t want them to be outcasts.

When we got home for the evening the major downfall of this plan became immediately evident, which is to say, where the hell is my dinner? You see, usually when I run in the evening my dinner is ready and waiting when I get home, but this was not the case on Tuesday. Moreover, Candis had to put the kids to bed and iron my clothes for work the following day and didn’t even get started on making me dinner until after that. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as famished as I did last night, sitting there on the couch playing Mario Kart Wii.

Personal Running Log - September 2008

Has anyone tried the new Gatorade G2 drink? I had it once and it wasn’t bad, but I’ve been seeing a ton of commercials for it lately. I suppose that Gatorade’s marketing department felt like they needed to clear things up because I suspect I wasn’t the only one who first heard of G2 and thought it was some kind of minor summit meeting. If you haven’t heard of it, it has nothing to do with international gatherings but is a light sports drink intended for athletes when they are off the field, because apparently it’s always important to hydrate.

The commercials tout G2 as a ‘low calorie hydrator’ but you might be surprised to learn that there is another low calorie hydrator already out there; water! I know, I didn’t believe it at first either, but I asked my doctor and he confirmed that water is indeed a low calorie hydrator. This was good news for me because when I’m at work (i.e. “off the field”) and looking to hydrate I sneak into the break room where my boss keeps a water cooler and when nobody is looking I steal some of the water from it, and take it back to my desk in an oversized Nalgene bottle. BAM! Free low calorie hydration for Vanilla! My fight against The Man continues. Also, while we’re on the subject, if anyone needs any free pencils or post-it notes then just let me know because I’ve totally got the hook-up.

As far as low calorie hydrators go, I’m more of a Propel Fitness Water kind of guy. I’ve purchased their powder packets that you add to water and they are delicious, especially after a long run. I think that someone from Propel once contacted me and offered me a free 16 oz bottle in exchange for a review, but I turned them down because I have principles I already knew I liked Propel and also because that offer was worth, like, a buck and a half. Note to marketers: If you’re going to offer me free stuff to review, then please don’t waste my time by being cheap, offer me a whole case of fitness water, or a car with a Propel logo on the side. If I’m going to be a sell-out, then I’m going to be the biggest sell-out that I can be, let’s talk high dollar items here.

Without further ado, here’s my Personal Running Log, brought to you this month by Propel Fitness Water. Don’t just hydrate. Nourish.*

Date	Route	Type	Distance	Time	Pace
9/30/2008	Treadmill	Intervals (3 x 1600)	5.2 Mi	43:39	8:24
9/27/2008	Grand Lake (Alt. 8500 ft)	Easy (w/Candis)	5 Mi	1:01:48	12:22
9/24/2008	11 Mile Loop	Long	11 Mi	1:46:56	9:44
9/23/2008	5 Miles Out & Back	Intervals (6 x 400)	5 Mi	44:22	8:53
9/20/2008	11 Mile Loop	Long	11 Mi	1:45:13	9:34
9/18/2008	6 Mile Loop Long Hill	Tempo	6 Mi	53:32	8:56
9/15/2008	5 Miles Out & Back	Intervals (6 x 400)	5 Mi	44:43	8:57
9/13/2008	10 Mile Lake	Long	10 Mi	1:42:26	10:15
9/11/2008	4 Miles Out & Back	Easy	4 Mi	36:53	9:14
9/6/2008	Skirt Chaser 5K	Race	3.1 Mi	24:28	7:53
9/4/2008	6 Mile Loop Long Hill	Easy	6 Mi	52:58	8:50
Totals: Distance: 71.3 miles Total Time: 11:16:58

* No, I didn’t really sell the naming rights to my Personal Running Log to Propel, they totally didn’t offer enough swag.

Weekend Splits

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits, e-mail me.

El Overcompensato?
Huge truck? Check. Huge fake balls hanging down from trailer hitch? Check. Personalized plates with overly masculine phrase? Check and check. Yup, either this guy is packin’ light or he’s hiding something. I’d guess that he’s two, maybe three therapy sessions from finding a new calling as an interior designer. This is the kind of thing that you see in really bad movies when the writers want to portray someone as a tough guy but are too stupid to show it through the plot and dialog or think that the viewers won’t pick up on subtle hints. As I drove past I looked at him half expecting to see a caricature of Steven Seagal, instead I saw a regular guy staring back at me through tinted glass that was probably paid for with stolen lunch money. “I’m sorry about your small penis,” I mouthed to him before he could gun the engine and overcompensate some more.

Sorry for the tangent there, I know it has nothing to do with running but you know what does? The links:

• I weighed in on Kid’s Treadmills at CRN on Tuesday, although it feels like that was 2 weeks ago - it’s been a long week.
• I was interviewed by Runner’s Lounge. (Don’t worry, the rest of the links are not me-centric.)
• Mike is going to start a Running Carnival over at runningisfunny.com. Head on over there and check it out.
• This one’s from a week or two ago, but it was too good to pass up. It’s called Endurance Poop 101 and I think that you can see now why it was too hard to pass up. Or maybe just too hard to pass. Yay poop jokes! Thanks to J~Mom for e-mailing it to me.
• Tiggs went looking for groceries and found some soup mix from a company that should probably fire their entire marketing department. You have to go check this out, even just to look at the picture.

Random Non-Running Related Video of the Week
This video follows the seen-while-driving theme of the picture above and it has been around for a little while so you might have seen it, but try to guess if I care.

All of a sudden I feel a lot safer about having taken the top picture on my camera phone and writing this post on my Blackberry, while driving.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Vanilla Exposed!

This is going to have to be short, because the overlords here at work are actually making me work. I’m convinced that they tried to kill me yesterday by making me sit through 8 hours of compliance training, death by boredom. Fortunately, I figured out how to get my Google Reader on my Blackberry. That really saved my life yesterday because I desperately needed something to take my mind off the stiff with the 4 inch comb-over bombinating at the front of the room. They tried to get us excited for the training by providing a free box-lunch (read: dry sandwich and a fruit cup) and free coffee in the morning. I’m always down with free coffee, but providing 4 oz paper cups to drink it out of was just plain cruel. The man is trying to keep me down, but I managed to get in a good 6 mile run this morning before work so I’m a little less cranky today.

I’ll try to get a Weekend Splits post up on Saturday, but in the meantime, head on over to the Runner’s Lounge to see who the handsome devil is that got interviewed for Open Mic Friday. (Hint: It’s me!) Not only can you read my witty responses and discover what type of blog I almost started writing instead of Half-Fast, but you can also see all-new, never-before-seen pictures of me and my family. It’s a big Vanilla exposé, but fortunately with out any of that kind of exposing - get your minds out of the gutter! While you’re over there, if you haven’t already, be sure to sign up to be a member of the Runner’s Lounge and we can be totally awesome online friends. Runner’s Lounge; it’s where all the cool kids are hanging out these days.

The Denver Gorilla Run

Ever since my wife signed me up for the Denver Gorilla Run I’ve been getting e-mails about the plight of gorillas and the things that I can do to help. Isn’t it enough that I dropped 150 bones to run in a gorilla costume and that I’m drawing attention to it by blogging about it? I sure hope so because that’s pretty much all the kind-heartedness that a self-absorbed humanitarian like me can muster. Why can’t it be enough for me to just draw attention to the problems and then hope that others will step up and deal with them? Consider yourselves officially ‘put on notice’ that there are only 723 Mountain Gorillas alive today, now go do something about it. You can start by visiting my donation page and making a donation to save the gorillas. Not only is it tax deductible, but you’d also be helping me out because the person who raises the most money wins a prize, and me winning a prize is the real cause to rally around here.

In these trying times when the value of your home is plummeting and the price of gas is so high it has the munchies, just try to remember that there are gorillas who are less fortunate than you. Sure they don’t have gas to buy, or a mortgage to pay but they’re more endangered than your 401K, although if we’re honest that’s getting closer to being a toss-up. But just think, if every one of my readers gave a dollar then we’d be able to see how many readers I have and find out just how accurate SiteMeter is, and if you don’t want to support the gorillas or help me win the highest fundraiser prize then do it so that we can figure out how accurate SiteMeter is.

Finally, if you can’t afford to donate or just don’t feel like it (you cold, heartless git) then you can help me win the prize for most creative gorilla costume by leaving your suggestions in the comments. Right now, the leader in the clubhouse is “Gorilla Ice” meaning that I would dress up like Vanilla Ice and then do a lot of 90s dance moves, which could be detrimental to my marathon training and possibly devastating to my street cred. It’s your chance to suggest ways for me to further humiliate myself, I expect full participation in the comments.

I Need This Shirt

I couldn’t have been prouder of Candis for finishing her first Triathlon. On our way home from the Tri we had the following conversation:

Me: You did awesome today!
Candis: Thanks.
Me: Seriously, I think it’s really cool that you’re a triathlete now.
Candis: Really, why?
Me: Because I’ve never slept with a triathlete before.

Then Candis found this shirt on CaféPress and I must have it.

Speaking of shirts, I’ve been toying around with some sites similar to CaféPress and have been thinking about designing some Half-Fast running shirts with slogans on the back like “Behind every good runner... there’s you!” I’ll have more on that in the future, but feel free to suggest race shirt slogans that you’d like to see.

That’s all I have for now, but be sure to check out my post today over at Complete Running, Kristina said it was “best thing you’ve written that I’ve read”... of course, Kristina also does this, so I’m not sure that she’s all there.

It’s a Wonder I Don’t Fall Down More

As I was putting on my free Pearl Izumi running shoes the other day, I noticed that there were signs of wear and tear around the ankle of my left shoe. I was more than a little perplexed by this which is not an emotion that I’m used to dealing with, unless I’m getting something out of the fridge but who among us hasn’t been perplexed by the little light in there that just somehow knows when to turn off and on? How does it know? I checked the other shoe, I guess that would be the right one, to see if it was encountering the same pattern of wear. It was not.

I sat in my closet with one shoe on and one shoe off trying to figure this out before giving up after a couple of hours and embarking on my run. I mulled it over as I ran and began to notice that I was kicking my left ankle with my right foot 5 or 6 times every mile. I’ve never noticed this before, but it’s obviously been happening for a while given the tattered state of my left shoe. Perhaps this is what’s been making me slower all these years, because I’ve always felt like I’m really an elite athlete trapped in this slow (albeit devastatingly handsome) body.

The more I thought about it, the more I kicked myself in the ankle. I tried to run with a wider stance but I’m pretty sure that just made it look like I was ready to have my diaper changed, and while that may be good practice for my golden years it’s not an image I want to conjure up right now. Perhaps I could take up horseback riding, I hear that really widens your stance although I’m not sure I can pull off the requisite cowboy boots and Skoal rings.

When I got back to the house I went into my closet and checked the other pair of shoes that are currently in the rotation (yes, I am two-timing my shoes because one pair is not enough for me). There were absolutely no signs of wear on my Asics GT-2130s. (By the way, thanks for discontinuing those, Asics. Jerks!) I went and checked several pairs of retired shoes; my Mizunos, my Asics 2110s, even an old pair of Pumas and NONE of them had the same wear pattern that the Pearl Izumis have. I guess I only kick myself in the ankle when I’m wearing my Pearl Izumis. When they say that “run easy is an oxymoron” they’re not kidding, because it’s not easy to run while you’re kicking yourself in the ankle. In fact it’s downright amazing that I don’t trip myself up more than your average runner. Once or twice a mile is average right? Right?

A Mid Week Long Run? Say It Ain’t So!

This weekend is going to be busy, and I’m not sure that I’ll have time for my regularly scheduled suck-fest otherwise known as my long run. Because I’m so dedicated, I am going to run 12 miles this evening after work and call that my long run for the week. I’ve been working to increase my mileage the past couple of weeks in anticipation of the beginning of the end, otherwise known as my official marathon training plan.

As mentioned previously, I am using the FIRST plan and have decided to blend their two marathon plans together to formulate my very own personalized marathon training plan because I wanted a happy medium between one 20 miler versus five of them. The first timer’s training plan was 18 weeks long and the old timer’s plan was 16 weeks, naturally when I blended them together I opted for a 16 week plan. What this means is that training for the PF Chang’s RNR Arizona Marathon officially begins next Monday, but since I am planning my runs on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday I guess it actually begins next Tuesday... unless of course something else comes up and/or I sleep in Tuesday morning and then the training plan begins next Wednesday, but Wednesday’s are no good for me so at that point I’ll just push it back to the following week. This whole rigid training plan is a pretty fluid concept, but I tentatively anticipate that I’ll probably start training sometime next week. Maybe.

What I am sure of is that I’m running 12 miles tonight after work and that it will be a horrifically unpleasant event. I’m so excited I can hardly wait. I hate mid week long runs like Amy Winehouse hates being sober, I hate them like Nitmos hates children. Long runs are much better suited to the weekend. When you do your long run on a weeknight it takes up your whole night, at least it does if you’re as slow as I am. Even more depressing is that I’m totally going to miss the premiere of Lipstick Jungle wait, no, not Lipstick Jungle, I meant to say Knight Rider. Fast cars and violent, action-packed chase scenes, GRRRRRR!

So I Married a Triathlete

This past weekend Candis and 6 friends all completed the Tri Babes Sprint Triathlon. A feat that required them to swim 750 meters, bike 12 miles and then run a 5K. I completed the much more impressive feat of toting two kids around a triathlon course, taking pictures of their mother and cheering loudly. Why is my feat more impressive? Well... it’s not, but I did mine without a lick of training and set a new Personal Record for the number of times I lost track of where my children were. Ta da! Unfortunately they always found their way back to me thanks to the friends and relatives who were in attendance cheering for Candis and the other ladies.

Enough about me. Candis. Rocked! The night before the tri Candis indicated that a good time to shoot for would be 25 minutes on the swim, 45 minutes on the bike and 35 minutes for the run for a total time somewhere around the 1 hour 45 minute mark. I countered with 20 - 45 - 30 because Candis always underestimates her abilities when creating race goals, and a 35 minute 5K for Candis would be downright shameful. I’m not sure what we decided on but here’s the way it worked out!

Swim (750m): 15:39 (A full 4 minutes faster than her best training times!)
T1: 1:52
Bike (12 mi): 46:36
T2: 1:06
Run (5K): 32:11
Total Time: 1:37:22

Most impressive was clearly the swim and T1 time. I was so excited for Candis when she came up out of the water in 15 minutes and headed into T1, she was doing great! T2 was an entirely different story, and not because it was slow. Candis came in on the bike, hung it on the rack and headed out as quickly as she could. She’d been gone a few minutes when I saw her bib still lying in her transition area. (For the sensible readers among you who don’t do triathlons; you have to put the bib on for the run.)

In an ironic twist of fate you’ll notice that in Candis’ last post before the tri, the only item in her Race Plan that suffered from excessive exclamation points was “BIB ON !!!” Perhaps it needed more exclamation points or a larger font. Springing into action, I illegally leapt into the transition zone and snatched up the bib. I could either head to the finish and try to hand her the bib a couple tenths of a mile prior to the finish line or I could try to chase her down. I knew that she would be upset about leaving the bib if she realized what she’d done and I was worried she’d come back to get it, so dressed in jeans and a cotton t-shirt I took off for a little 5K jaunt. Not long into my impromptu run I rounded a corner and saw Candis running back towards me, tears welling up in her eyes. I handed her the bib and she turned around and headed back in the right direction. I paced with her for another quarter mile until she was able to settle down and get into her groove, at which point I went back to the finish area and thanked Candis’ aunt and uncle for watching the kids.

Hey look, no bib!
The run course as measured by a friend’s Garmin actually turned out to be 2.7 miles (a 4.4K instead of a 5K), but by coming back to get her bib Candis managed to run an extra half mile, making her run a fraction longer than a 5K. I suppose you could say that Candis was the only one to finish the course because everyone else stopped shy of running a 5K, in fact if I was her I’d be telling everyone that I was the only one who was able to run a 5K after the grueling swim and bike. That’s the way I roll, dishonest and boastful are two of my more attractive qualities. Sorry ladies, I’m taken.

I can’t even tell you how proud I am of Candis so please try to suppress your praise and adulation of me and tell Candis in the comments that she did great, just for today. Tomorrow you can go back to telling me how awesome I am because let’s not forget that I’m the one who’s running a marathon.


Don’t let her catch you!
Candis takes my 3 year old’s advice and shows her Battle Face!
Also of note I ran into Ross Hadley from agegroupers.com and he took a whole bunch of pictures of the event, you can see them here. All of the girls from our group are wearing the same pink hibiscus shirt that Candis is and there’s even a group shot of the husbands and kids that were there supporting Team Hibiscus. Many thanks for the pictures Ross.

Congrats on a great time C. “It’s a shame I’m going to have to destroy you.”

Shocking Video: Shark Attacks Jogger!

When I was a young boy my parents let me stay up late one night to watch Jaws with them. It was a bad idea. For weeks afterwards I would lay awake in my bed at night, soaked from the cold sweats just waiting for a shark to pounce from my closet and make off with my torso, leaving the rest of me to bleed to death all over my urine soaked sheets. Sure, in the history of mankind there had never been a recorded shark attack on dry land and by the light of day I was pretty sure that a shark couldn’t get that far inland without dying. But I guess when the lights went out my rationality and bravery dissipated with them. All of a sudden it would occur to me that if a shark did make it that far inland he’d probably be pretty hungry, not to mention more than a little put out, and a young boy lying paralyzed with fear in his bed would obviously look like a tasty fisherman bobbing along on a raft. I was certain that the following morning Mom and Dad would find my bloody remains and feel remorse over making me go to bed so early instead of letting me stay up later, you know, when sharks were less likely to attack. That would show them. The thought of my parents being reprimanded by the local news anchors for playing a role in my untimely and tragic demise by making me go to bed so early would momentarily bring relief from the gripping fear, but then it was back to that super-heightened state of awareness that is necessary for detecting sharks in your bedroom.

Every noise I heard sounded like a crafty shark slithering across the carpet, bringing me ever closer to my impending doom. I knew he was crafty because when I’d hold my breath to hear him better he’d pause and wait for my heavy breathing to resume. The point I’m getting at here is that I was irrationally afraid of sharks for a long time, and also that the wet spot on my bed was from the cold sweats and nothing else.

I eventually conquered my irrational fear by rationally coming to the conclusion that despite the SNL skit to the contrary, (which I fortunately didn’t see until many years later) sharks can’t attack people on the land. I’ve held firmly to that belief for many, many years. The new evidence presented in the video below is going to cause me to reevaluate everything.

The stunning footage that you’re about to see shows a shark attempting to attack a human as he jogs along the beach. Let me tell you, it’s a good thing that a young Vanilla never saw this video because it probably would have scarred me for life. Can you imagine if, as an adult, I was still afraid of sharks attacking on dry land? That would be embarrassing, especially if I moved to a landlocked state smack in the middle of the country just so I could be as far away from sharks as possible. It’s a good thing I don’t have any irrational fears anymore. *Casually glances over shoulder to make sure a land shark isn’t standing behind him and rests his hand on the harpoon gun under his desk.*


[Tip o’ the hat to TheDailyRunner.com]

Marathon Update: RazZDoodle has announced that he is running the PF Chang’s Arizona marathon. Head on over and congratulate him on his idiocy.