Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The 9 Types of Runs

It has been my experience that there are essentially 9 types of runs.

The Daydreamer You head out for your run and before you know it you're back home. You were so involved in the run that you often finish and realize that there are long stretches of the route that you don't even remember. The Daydreamer will cause you to question whether or not you really ran the route you thought you did.

The Hollywood Marriage Run This run never lasts very long and no one really thought that it would anyway. By the time it's over you're already looking forward to the next one.

The Volkswagen Jetta Run Like the VW that I once owned everything that could possibly go wrong, does. You get a rock in your shoe. Your iPod dies. Mistaking it for water, you squirt Gatorade on your head. Your shoes come untied and when you pause your watch to tie them you forget to restart it. The sweat gets in your eyes, the wind is in your face going out and coming back. You trip over your own calf muscle and everyone sees it. By the time you're done with this run you're seriously considering giving up running.

The Broken Watch So named because you felt great the entire run and you're pretty sure that this is going to be one of your fastest times ever. Alas your stupid watch must be broken because it thinks that this was one of your slowest times ever. I never liked that watch very much anyway.

Even The Russian Judge Likes It Run The perfect run. You feel good, you feel fast, nothing can stop you. A slight breeze keeps you cool, even while the sun smiles down on you. As you approach the bottom of that tough hill, cartoon bluebirds appear from nowhere and whisk you up to the top in no time at all. The squirrels along side your path stand and give you the Arsenio Hall salute as you pass them at dangerously fast speeds. This run may not happen all that often, but it's the one that keeps you coming back for more.

The This Is Why More People Don't Run Run This is the run that pushes you to your limits, that forces you to dig deep and use all your willpower to get through it. Your legs hurt, your side aches, and who the hell thinned out the air today? This is the run that makes you realize why running is beneficial, and why more people don't do it.

The Academy Awards Speech Run You start this one intending that it will just be a short run, but you're feeling so good about yourself that you end up running longer. And thanking everyone you meet.

The Quitter You get some kind of cramp or injury that you can't run through or know that you shouldn't run through. This inevitably happens at the furthest point from the finish and of course all the people you passed now witness you walking home like some kind of can't-hack-it-pantywaist. You try to let them know that you're walking because of an injury by stopping to stretch frequently or limping slightly, but no one's buying it because everyone's pulled that old trick.

The Blog Buster Much like an episode of The Bill Engvall Show this run goes off without anything interesting or funny happening. Your time is as you expected it would be and there is nothing worth noting about this run. That's all great but now you don't have anything to blog about. I guess you'll just have to write about fast food or maybe you can get away with making up a list of the different types of runs.

Let me know in the comments if you think I forgot any.

23 comments:

  1. Your blog is one of my favorite running blogs. Today's post is a great example of why. Very, very funny man. That Volkswagon Jetta Run almost killed me. I'm laughing out loud at Starbucks.

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  2. I think it was the Hollywood Marriage that made the water that I was drinking come up through my noise. Funny Stuff.

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  3. I'm with you on the VW. Also liked the Russian judge. :0)

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  4. What a catch you are :) funny stuff. lol

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  5. I think the VW run is the one that I can't seem to shake these days...really needing a russian judge one though ;)

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  6. "Cartoon Bluebirds"? No way...LOL... I'm wondering if there is a Lindsay Lohan Run where I want to be out running around, but I really should be in rehab run...

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  7. Tom, I almost included the Lindsay Lohan Run... where you are in so much pain you have to pop a couple dozen pills to get through it.

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  8. These are great! I'm trying to think of a wise-ass comment but nothing is forthcoming (I'm having a VW jetta comment moment) so I'll just say great post!

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  9. I definitely have a lot of VW days. Freekin running!!!! I love you, yet you hate me!!

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  10. Great post! I think I've felt all of them, especially the VW and the calf trip!

    I'm stealing material from this post and blantly using it on my blog

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  11. Hilarious! I usually spot a few “can't-hack-it-pantywaist” at races.
    I had a VW Jetta Run today – the Garmin I borrowed starting blinking “Battery Low.” Had to guess my mileage.
    ; )
    Great site – you’ve been blogrolled.

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  12. I'm cracking up, you've completely outdone yourself. You deserve every Arsenio Hall salute that those squirrels give to you.

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  13. Fantastic post! I've done each and every one of these runs. Lately I've been stuck in "The broken watch" and "This is why more people don't run" world...

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  14. Great post. I have been guilty of blogging about fast food on more than one occasion.

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  15. this is hilarious and so true!!! it's nice to finally have a name for the runs i have. i just couldn't place them or name them any better. great post.

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  16. witty, clever, thought provoking. but most of all...hella funny. here's to all of us experiencing all of these in the next year, b/c it means we're RUNNING!

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  17. You are definitely amusing and I'm very glad to have found this!

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  18. I have a VW Jetta - and can attest to the crappiness that it is. And I have definitely had a VW Jetta run or twenty...

    Great post!!

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  19. i thought for sure there was going to be some sort of poop reference in one of these runs...

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  20. I hate VW run days and my when my VM takes $1200 to get it running again!

    Funny stuff. Thanks for making me laugh at work, even though it just proves to my collegues that I'm not really working.

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  21. Excellent list, and thanks for starting my day with a smile! I'll definitely be back to read more!

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  22. I love this post. Well said! I think I could relate to every one of those kinds of runs some time or another!

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  23. I'd like to suggest the "Confession" run: This one usually happens to me on the long run day when I have neglected to fuel properly prior to running. Slightly more than 14 miles into my out-and-back-26 + mile runs I am overwhelmed with all the "bad" things I have done: too much peanut butter this week, I was mean to my pug, I slacked off more than I should have at work, I gossiped about my best friend behind her back....all of it wells up inside me and I am forced to sit down, sobbing, apologizing to God and everyone else who I have wronged in my mind. It exhausts me and it's all I can do to finish the damned run once the sobbing/apologizing fit has subsided. Usually once I get home and have a decent meal and a nice hot shower I feel muuuuch better.

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