The 9 Types of Runs

It has been my experience that there are essentially 9 types of runs.

The Daydreamer You head out for your run and before you know it you're back home. You were so involved in the run that you often finish and realize that there are long stretches of the route that you don't even remember. The Daydreamer will cause you to question whether or not you really ran the route you thought you did.

The Hollywood Marriage Run This run never lasts very long and no one really thought that it would anyway. By the time it's over you're already looking forward to the next one.

The Volkswagen Jetta Run Like the VW that I once owned everything that could possibly go wrong, does. You get a rock in your shoe. Your iPod dies. Mistaking it for water, you squirt Gatorade on your head. Your shoes come untied and when you pause your watch to tie them you forget to restart it. The sweat gets in your eyes, the wind is in your face going out and coming back. You trip over your own calf muscle and everyone sees it. By the time you're done with this run you're seriously considering giving up running.

The Broken Watch So named because you felt great the entire run and you're pretty sure that this is going to be one of your fastest times ever. Alas your stupid watch must be broken because it thinks that this was one of your slowest times ever. I never liked that watch very much anyway.

Even The Russian Judge Likes It Run The perfect run. You feel good, you feel fast, nothing can stop you. A slight breeze keeps you cool, even while the sun smiles down on you. As you approach the bottom of that tough hill, cartoon bluebirds appear from nowhere and whisk you up to the top in no time at all. The squirrels along side your path stand and give you the Arsenio Hall salute as you pass them at dangerously fast speeds. This run may not happen all that often, but it's the one that keeps you coming back for more.

The This Is Why More People Don't Run Run This is the run that pushes you to your limits, that forces you to dig deep and use all your willpower to get through it. Your legs hurt, your side aches, and who the hell thinned out the air today? This is the run that makes you realize why running is beneficial, and why more people don't do it.

The Academy Awards Speech Run You start this one intending that it will just be a short run, but you're feeling so good about yourself that you end up running longer. And thanking everyone you meet.

The Quitter You get some kind of cramp or injury that you can't run through or know that you shouldn't run through. This inevitably happens at the furthest point from the finish and of course all the people you passed now witness you walking home like some kind of can't-hack-it-pantywaist. You try to let them know that you're walking because of an injury by stopping to stretch frequently or limping slightly, but no one's buying it because everyone's pulled that old trick.

The Blog Buster Much like an episode of The Bill Engvall Show this run goes off without anything interesting or funny happening. Your time is as you expected it would be and there is nothing worth noting about this run. That's all great but now you don't have anything to blog about. I guess you'll just have to write about fast food or maybe you can get away with making up a list of the different types of runs.

Let me know in the comments if you think I forgot any.