Guest Blogger: My Running Shoes

Every now and then I have a guest blogger write a post here at Half-Fast just so that I don’t have to write one, and so that you get to read something from someone other than me. It’s really a win-win situation. Today I’d like to introduce a new guest blogger who hasn’t posted here before. Please give a warm welcome to: My Running Shoes.

Right Shoe: Hello to all of Ian’s readers and welcome...
Left Shoe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don’t think he wants you using his real name. I think you’re supposed to call him Vanilla.
RS: Vanilla? Really? That’s so lame!
LS: I’m just saying.
RS: Sorry. Hello to all of Vanilla’s (*snicker*) readers. We are sorry to have to tell you that we believe that Vanilla (*snicker*) has given up on running. We haven’t seen him since that lady jabbed and poked us trying to cut the timing chip off at the end of the Denver half marathon.
LS: I thought she was quite nice.
RS: Well that’s because you NEVER carry the timing chip. Anyway if any of you readers happen to see Vanilla (*snicker*) around then please tell him that it’s been 9 days since he last ran. 9 Days! Do you know what that makes you?
LS: Don’t say it!
RS: It makes you a ‘JOGGER!’
LS: Oh no you didn’t!
RS: That’s right. I said it. You’re a JOGGER! You like to think that you’re hardcore, you like to think that you’re a dedicated runner but you aint nothin’!
LS: You are going to get us replaced for a newer pair of shoes.
RS: You know what I wish? I wish that we’d fit well on that guy that came into the store and tried us on before we ever saw Vanilla (*snicker*). That guy was fast! If he’d have bought us we’d have won some races with that guy. None of this middle of the pack, taking 9 days off, slowly jogging, crap. You’re not half-fast, you’re all-slow! And you’re probably getting slower from not running! And while I’m at it, haven’t you ever heard of nail clippers? Hello? I’m sick of getting stabbed every time we go out.
LS: You’re going to get us replaced.
RS: Well maybe that’s for the best. If it means that I never get peed on again then I’ll gladly retire.

Official Race Pictures

My apologies for not posting anything yesterday. I spent the better part of my day trying to purchase World Series tickets from the Rockies website, only to discover that ticket sales had been suspended due to the sheer volume of requests. At this point the Rockies may as well just hang up a sign saying Red Sox fans and Scalpers Welcome.

The official race pictures from the Denver Marathon have been posted on brightroom. This picture to the right is me running down the final stretch. I remember being extremely happy about being close to the finish, but this picture doesn't really capture much happiness at all. I look like I'm in pain. On a positive note you won’t see any of the marathon finishers in that picture with me because I finished ahead of them. Come to think of it Haile Gebrselassie recently set the marathon world record at 2:04:26 which means that even he wouldn’t have finished ahead of me. It also means that while he can almost run a marathon in the time it takes me to do half of one he is NOT twice as fast as me. He’s maybe only 1.98 times as fast as me. Strangely enough I take a lot of pride in that.

Many of you have asked what race I’m going to sign up for and to be honest I’m really not sure. I’m leaning towards the Rudolph’s Revenge 10K. Viper pointed out a while ago that the 10K is becoming an endangered distance and I have also noticed that there seem to be very few 10Ks to run. A 5K is too short to motivate me to train hard, I just finished training for a half marathon so I don’t want to do that again just yet, and as for Ali’s suggestion that I run a marathon... I'm laughing so hard right now that I can barely type. You crack me up Ali!

Weekend Splits

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.

Hmmm. That’s a good point that I hadn’t thought of. Perhaps I should add this rule as an addendum to my Treadmill Manifesto.

Speaking of treadmills do you ever feel like the guy on the treadmill next to you is trying to out-do you? He is, at least according to Lance: the Blog! I know that I’m guilty of trying to run faster for longer than the guy next to me.

Are you having trouble accomplishing your goals? Just Your Average Joggler thinks that you should just quit. Ok, Ok that’s not what he said, but he did cite a recent study published in the September issue of Psychological Science that said quitters are mentally and physically healthier. Those guys over at Psychological Science are just inspirational I tell ya’. I guess they haven’t heard that no one likes a quitter.

Tazz over at Running... the pursuit of living found a humorous top 10 list from the Honolulu Marathon. Go check out the Top 10 Reasons To Run Honolulu.

I loved the way that Just One Marathon describes reading race reports: “It’s like experiencing the whole glorious event minus the pain.” I also loved that she described me as the “funniest running blogger” but I hope that she’s referring to my writing and not the race pictures that I recently posted.

Random Non-Running Related Video of the Week
Thanks to Ian over at A Tale Told by an Idiot for this Japanese game show Human Tetris clip.

Should the Random Non-Running Related Video of the Week become a regular part of the Weekend Splits? Let me know in the comments if you would like this feature to be continued, and then be sure to e-mail me whenever you find videos that qualify.

Have a great weekend everyone (except for you Viper - I hope that your team takes two losses and you have a miserable weekend). Go Sox!

Something’s Wrong with Me

I was sitting on my couch the day after the Denver Half Marathon yelling at the Red Sox through my TV and rewarding myself for my previous day’s effort by eating and drinking whatever I pleased. For the most part I was pretty inanimate because I had developed some new muscles just so they could ache. I guess my body got tired of punishing me with soreness in my existing muscles.

My attention wandered to my laptop during the commercial breaks, where I was busy looking up companies that would install an elevator in my home because I’ve come to the conclusion that stairs suck. (Sorry, that’s a ‘lift’ for you blokes in England, or l'ascenseur if you’re French.) I've seen the commercials a thousand times already and I was getting pretty sick of Dane Cook telling me that there was only one October. Thanks for clearing that up Dane, if you could add the Cleveland Rocks song to the end of that commercial you'll have achieved the pinnacle of annoying.

Before I even knew what had happened I found myself on the Runner’s World race finder website. Despite the pain and soreness I was already looking for the next race to run. Having a race to aim my training at makes the running that much more meaningful for me. And so it was that I found myself looking up races, ashamedly hiding the screen from my wife so that she wouldn’t see what I was doing. I need to race. It’s a sickness, and I don’t want to get help. I’ve said it before, but Monday night just confirmed it. I’m addicted.

Denver Half Marathon – The Aftermath

Note: This is essentially part 2 of my race report. If you missed part 1 which was actually about the running part of the race you can read it here.


Do I look cold? I am.

The thrill of my accomplishment was quickly stifled by the cold. Not 10 paces past the finish line I stopped while some kind volunteer cut the timing chip off my shoe. I was terrified that she was going to ask me to lift my leg up because rigor mortis had already set in. I was looking around somewhat dazedly at the crowd wondering how long it was going to take her to cut the stupid thing off when I realized she had already moved on to the next finisher.

Hey. Where’s my freakin’ medal? I crossed the finish line a good 20 seconds ago. I followed the other runners to a table where they were handing out bottled water. Not interested. Who’s handing out the medals? Finally I see a guy handing them out and I make my way over to him. Each step is painful but well worth the shiny goodness now within my grasp. He hands me the medal still in its plastic bag and my frozen, wet fingers can’t get the stupid thing open. I thought a beautiful woman was supposed to hang the medal around my neck for me upon completing the race. I’m disappointed.

After the medal ceremony handout, I followed the other medaled runners down some steps (ow ow ow ow) and found myself in line for something. I was a little confused from the cold and the pain and it didn’t even occur to me to find out what the line was for until someone came up behind me and asked “what’s this the line for?” I looked up to the front of the line and saw that it went into a tent.
“It’s the line to get in there,” I answered pointing at the tent.
“What’s in there?” he was clearly not satisfied with my original answer.
“No rain,” I said, as if it should have been obvious. At this point the guy in front of me turned and told us that they were giving out free pairs of dry socks in there. I frowned. What am I going to do with dry socks? My shoes are soaked and it’s still raining.

Next stop was the bag check to reclaim my sweatshirt and pants. Cheer Team Vanilla met up with me there and it’s a good thing too, because I was so sore that I needed help getting into my sweatpants. I grabbed another couple of goodie bags, my free beer and we began the walk back to the car. I was walking so slowly that my wife walked on ahead to start the car despite the fact that she was pushing 2 kids in a stroller.

All in all it was a good race and a really nice course past many of the Denver landmarks. The organizers did a wonderful job and if they keep pulling off world class events like this I bet they’ll even be able to get some celebrities to come run this thing.

Congratulations to Lei who was the closest to guessing what my time would be for the race. Lei if you want to e-mail me your address I will send your prize to you just as soon as I figure out what it is going to be.

Cheer Team Vanilla went up to my office to briefly get out of the rain and snapped this picture of the start.

I'm such a goofball.

This is the shirt I got... and my medal.

This is the vanilla shot that I didn't use... and my medal.

Awww, wook at da' cute widdle 8oz beer... and my medal. Yeah, this beer shot was not going to be enough to make me forget about the pain.

Did I mention I got this medal?

Slippery When Wet

Denver Half Marathon Race Report

Editors Note: This is going to be a long post, so grab a cup of coffee, sit back and relax with your feet up. Tell your secretary to hold all calls and ask your boss to come back at a better time.

I was the only runner not smart enough to wear long sleeves.

I stood with the huddled masses, shivering at the start as the rain drizzled down around us. It was 41 degrees and I was leaning close to the other runners, soaking up as much of their heat as I could. As we breathed into our hands and bounced to keep warm it struck me as ironic that only a week ago runners in Chicago were faced with overwhelming heat and not enough water. In Denver there was so much water it was falling from the sky.

I was stuck at the back of the pack on account of my bladder deciding that it was too full just minutes before we were called to the start. I can see the 9 minute pace corral way up ahead of me but I can’t get to it. It’s OK because my race strategy is to run at a slower pace for the first 4 miles and put myself 2 minutes behind the required pace for a sub 2 hour half marathon. After mile 4 I intended to pick up the pace and make up those 2 minutes over the next 9.1 miles.

The gun goes off and a minute later I’m shuffling towards the start I put my headphones in and select my Denver Half Marathon playlist. I eventually cross the start and immediately find myself leaping over discarded sweatshirts, pants, rain jackets, ponchos, trash bags with arm holes, and even a pair of underwear. I guess they were chafing someone. It only takes a mile for me to become completely soaked which is a relief. I enjoy running in the rain, it’s just the initial getting wet part that sucks. Now that I’ve got that out of the way I can focus on my race.

At 3 miles I check my watch and find that I’m already 2 minutes behind the pace for a sub 2 hour marathon so I begin to increase my tempo. At this point I’m quite happy about the slow start as I have NEVER been able to start a race slowly and then speed up, I’m apparently more of a start-quickly-and-fade guy.

Just past Mile 4 Cheer Team Vanilla is waving, yelling, taking pictures and ringing those annoying cowbells. Who got those things for them? Not only did they stand out in the rain and meet me at the finish they were also willing to carb load with me the night before. Way to take one for the team. Shortly after this point my bladder (which I’m thinking about having removed) decided that it needs to be emptied again, but it will have to wait.

Having already run through the first two water stops without taking any liquids I decide that I had better grab some at mile 5 despite my bladder’s continued pleas to be emptied. By mile 6 I’m running through city park, where I am no longer sheltered by the high rise buildings. The wind is biting through my wet clothes and I pretty sure that my nipples could cut glass at this point. I check my watch and I’m only 1 minute behind a sub 2 hour pace, which means that I’m making up time nicely. I reach out to take a Clif Shot and the girl hands me three. I glance at the flavor to see what I’ve been handed and it’s Vanilla. It may sound stupid, but cold and wet and 6 miles deep into a half marathon I felt like it was a sign. It was like the sun was bursting through the clouds and angels were singing “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!” Only there was no sun, only rain. I downed one of the shot gels, put one in my pocket for later and tossed the third one back towards the girl who’d handed it to me.

By mile 7 I wasn’t paying attention to my MP3 player, I wasn’t thinking about how cold or tired I was. I was simply weighing the pros and cons of peeing my pants. The fact that running can put you in a situation that allows you to even consider this as a viable option is probably grounds for quitting. My shoes were already soaked, and if my shorts would have been wet enough to hide it I would have probably just peed myself.

I reached mile 8 and had almost dropped back to 2 minutes off the pace again. I was extremely disheartened and began to doubt my ability to finish in under 2 hours. Mile 9 had a couple of tough uphill sections and I felt sure that my pace had fallen again. The rain and cold got to me and I decided to stop and pee in Cheesman Park. Hoping to take no more than 15 seconds I found a nice bushy tree, I ducked under the branches and... Holy Shrinkage Batman! 45 seconds later I was back on the course and feeling much better.

‘Come on Vanilla’ I told myself, and yes I actually said Vanilla instead of Ian, because I was trying to remind myself that I’d have to blog about how I failed. I don’t know if it was the fact that I was carrying 7 less pounds of urine or if the 45 second break recharged me, but I was running strong. There was a hill at mile 10 but I didn’t even feel it, I was passing people like they were volcanic lava. I passed mile 11 without looking at my watch, it didn’t matter, I was just running. I grabbed a Gatorade and splashed it up my nose and down my front, it didn’t matter. I was running, I was Forrest Gump.

At mile 12 I did look at my watch: 1:50:06. All I needed was a 9 minute pace. I felt like I was on the verge of achieving my goal. I was willing myself to the finish. With less than a half mile to go I was only conscious of my legs as those weights beneath my hips. I crossed the finish line and stopped my watch at 1:59:42. Initial feelings of disbelief turned momentarily to elation and pride before giving way to uncontrollable shivering and icy pain.

Tomorrow I’ll have some more pictures and more on the post race thaw. Update: Here

Today is Blog Action Day

Today is Blog Action Day and all around the internet blogs just like this one, except not quite as cool, are participating in this event nay, extravaganza!

Since I committed to Blog Action Day, (which per my previous post will be referred to as BAD) I’ve been trying to figure out what to write about. There are plenty of ways to relate running and the environment, but nothing was inspiring me, until I went running past the High School down the street from where we live. Normally I don’t like to complain about what teenagers are doing because that just makes you sound old and grumpy. “I just don’t understand those darn whippersnappers with their hi-tech cell phones and their new fangled walkmans, in my day… [insert long, boring and usually untrue story].” I ran past a group of kids that I can only assume were trying to keep up the ‘stoners’ stereotype. As I ran past, one of them dropped his cigarette butt on the ground and then stepped on it to extinguish it. I noticed that all along the path there were cigarette butts that had evidently suffered the same treatment.

It made me begin to wonder why we just accept that smokers do this? It’s littering plain and simple. How often have you seen a smoker throw a cigarette butt on the ground and walk away? As if it was OK to discard because it’s so small. If I started unwrapping my drinking straws and throwing the paper wrapper on the ground and then stepping on it I don’t think people would be OK with that, and rightly so. My paper drinking straw wrapper can be rolled up smaller than a cigarette butt and is more biodegradable (may or may not be true) but people wouldn’t accept this kind of behavior and I think it’s time we started calling out smokers on their littering habits. Next time you’re walking around in a public place take a few seconds to notice how many cigarette butts are lying on the ground. I think you’ll be surprised, I hope you’ll be outraged.

I propose that we invest more money in Big Tobacco and try to help them find out if there is any way that we can make cigarettes even more potent so that they kill idiots people quicker. We are talking about people who not only pollute the air but who also litter, I think most people would be OK with this solution. After all, no one’s forcing anyone to light up.

I realize that I’m probably preaching to the choir here because I doubt that any of my readers are smokers. I mean I assume that the majority of my readers are runners and tri-athletes, maybe a few cyclists and swimmers, a good number of heads of state and most of the Hollywood A-list (Hi Jessica, Bonjour Monsieur Sarkozy).

I’m sorry if you came here wanting a race report from yesterdays Denver Half Marathon. I’ll have a full report on it tomorrow and it will probably be quite long because I’m awesome. I rock. I finished in 1:59:42.

Weekend Splits

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.

As a runner, you’ve probably always heard that you shouldn’t wear high heels because it’s bad for your back, your knees or your ankles and while I never wear heels I have always been a big fan of them. The ladies in the following video [from My Boston Marathon 2010 via With Leather] take it to a whole new level, they are racing in heels.


Gesundheit! Also see basketball in heels.

If you haven’t already read Amy’s most recent marathon training incident over at Lawson’s Do Dallas then I encourage you to do so. Not only is her story-telling funny as always, but this particular entry is also illustrated by the author.

Jes (Self Motivation) has a unique way of applauding those who finished Chicago, while Jess (21 Days) has a link to an ebay auction where you can buy a medal in case you didn’t get to finish. Thanks Jes(s)!

Speaking of Chicago, Mark the Running Blogfather posted a great article over at Complete Running calling out the organizers and the Chicago press for their spin after the race.

This last link isn’t really running related but it really made me laugh and I found it at a runner’s blog so I’m including it here. Thanks to Taryn for the Poison Control post.

Have a great weekend everyone! I’ll be back early on Monday morning with a Blog Action Day post and I’ll have a full race report from the Denver Half Marathon sometime after.

Sampling the Denver Marathon Expo

I went and picked up my race packet at the Denver Marathon Expo this afternoon. When I first walked in the doors to the hotel ballroom where it was being held I was struck by how many older folks I saw milling around. ‘Wow, this is fantastic,’ I thought. ‘I had no idea that there’d be this many old people (we’re talking 65 years old and up) running the marathon and half marathon.’ And I had no idea that AARP was sponsoring this marathon... oh... crap... I’m in the wrong ballroom aren’t I? Yup. I’m the only person in the room that doesn’t have a good first hand story about what I was doing when JFK was shot.

When I eventually found the right ballroom I grabbed my race packet and made several trips around the booths, sampling everything I could as many times as possible. Of course being a marathon expo all of the samples were things like energy drinks and energy bars and shot bloks and shot gels and why am I typing this post so fast? I feel like I am flying weeeeeeeeeeeee look at how fast I am typing this post!

The expo was pretty good, but I was beginning to think to myself ‘you know what this expo needs? -- More cowbell!’ That’s when I came across the table pictured to the right. All the cowbell that you could possibly want. I grabbed 2 cowbells and shoved them into my goodie bag, one for my 2 year old and one for my 4 year old. If that isn’t a recipe for noise then I don’t know what is.

Check back tomorrow for the Weekend Splits, but in the meantime “I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription ... is more cowbell!”

Sabotaged!

My race preparation has been sabotaged. Who would do such a thing you might ask? An angry reader out for revenge? A fellow competitor looking to gain an edge? No, it was my wife! I got home last night and this was the scene that I walked in to:


Not just a bag of Halloween candy, but an ALREADY OPENED bag of Halloween candy. I’m days away from my half marathon, I’ve been tapering my running and I’m trying to equally taper my eating so as not to gain weight, but alas temptation has been thrust in my face.

“Just don’t eat any until after Sunday,” was my wife’s suggestion, and under normal circumstances that would be the solution. Believe it or not I do have a modicum of will power and self-restraint, but the bag contains some of the best candy ever invented: The Vanilla Tootsie Roll. If you’ve never had a Vanilla Tootsie Roll then you haven’t lived. I’m no fortune teller, but I suspect that when I finally kick the bucket and my ticket gets punched it will be the first time the coroner has ever written OD: Vanilla Tootsie Rolls in the cause of death entry blank. And while the mortician will eventually be able to wipe the gooey-Vanilla-Tootsie-Roll-drool from my face he will not be able to get rid of the goofy smile. No, I’ll still be smiling six months after I’m dead.

In fact, the reason that my blog is called Half-Fast and not just ‘Fast’ is because of Vanilla Tootsie Rolls. Well, that and because ‘Fast’ would be a pretty lame name for a blog, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Vanilla Tootsie Rolls are the reason that I will never win a race, I’m convinced of it.

I leave you with this:


Vanilla Tootsie Rolls - they make me want to dance and shake my money maker too.