You know what your long run needs?

You know what would make the miles just melt away on your long run this weekend? A hilarious running podcast to listen to, but in the event that you can’t find one you could always listen to the latest episode of Banned on the Run. It’s full of awkward silences that will make you think that your iPod battery has died and will also totally throw off your pace. You don’t have to thank us, we do it for the joy we get out of it.

From your comments on yesterday’s post I gather that no one wants to listen to me whine and complain about running in the heat, and if that’s the case then you’re not going to like what’s coming. I went out yesterday for a 6 miler in the devastating heat (read: 82 degrees with very little humidity) and I was sweating like a pig in a synagogue. It was almost hot enough to make me long for the snow and wind that I complained bitterly about during the winter months. Almost. I managed to stick to a route that is mostly in the shade but it was easily 70 degrees in the shade and that slight breeze in my face wasn’t helping my pace. I tell you guys, it’s hard running here in Colorado in the summer months; I could barely even see the mountains with the glare from the sun in my face! But I struggled through it because I know that some of you look to me for inspiration. So next time you think that you’ve got it rough or that the conditions won’t permit you to run I want you to think back to me running 6 (six!) miles on a shady path, with mountain views and little to no humidity. Perhaps you’ll be able to turn those feelings of envy and hatred into determination and go run in any conditions.

A Beautiful Day for a Run

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Denver. We had blue skies, warm temperatures, an extra hour of daylight and a general feeling of goodwill towards all mankind. (We’re good people here in Denver.) As I drove home from work I saw runners out on the trails, I saw cyclists, I even saw several couples walking their dogs. It was almost as if everything was working together in perfect harmony to make me go run. By the time I got home I was more excited than I’ve ever been to go out and run. In fact I think it’s safe to say that I was bubbling over with more anticipation than a pimple-faced 13 year old who has just stolen his first Playboy.

I arrived home to a family that was happy to see me. “I’m so glad you’re home,” said my wife as she briskly walked past me and out the door I’d just come in.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“I’m going running,” she said and then she threw one more comment over her shoulder as she headed out for her run. “The kids are in the backyard. Good luck!”

And then she was gone. I stood there all alone wondering what had just happened. My wife is a runner so it is no surprise that she went running, but something felt different. It quickly became clear that she was using running as an excuse to get away from the kids. It was evident that she just wanted to have them out of her hair for an hour or two. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed. Using running as an excuse to get away from your two crazy little boys is shameful and selfish, and quite frankly I called dibs on it. Seriously, that’s my racket. What’s next? Is she going to start peeing in the shower? Is she going to start monopolizing the remote? Is she going to start pretending that she doesn’t know how to load the dishwasher to get out of doing it? Is nothing sacred anymore?

Despite my world being turned upside down, I was still excited to run. I changed into my running clothes and couldn’t contain myself any longer, I needed to run. So, with my wife out running and my boys ricocheting around the backyard, I decided to go run a few warm up miles on the treadmill. After a couple of miles my 4 year old came down to the basement and I was certain that he was about to tell me that Mom was home.
“Dad, can we turn on the hose?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Same reason they don’t give guns to monkeys.”

Typically, I would have told him “because I said so,” but it’s not like he pays attention to me anyway so I occasionally throw out a confusing answer just for fun. He left and I continued my run on the treadmill, all the while wondering if the hose was being used. ‘A few warm up miles’ quickly turned into a few intervals and before I knew it I had completed my entire workout on the treadmill. Good thing it was such a beautiful day outside. When my wife returned home I went outside and ran a cool down mile, mostly because it seemed like a waste not to. For those of you who are wondering, the hose did not get used.

Hot Flashes

On Saturday, the temperature here in Denver was 71 degrees, it definitely felt like spring was springing. Actually, it really felt more like we had just skipped spring altogether and jumped right into summer. I woke up late on Saturday, lounged around, posted the Weekend Splits and then at high noon decided it was high time I got started on my long run. No, I was not high.

With all this cold weather we’ve been having lately, I’d forgotten just how much the heat can affect your time, or how easy it is to blame it for a bad run. I’m all about making excuses. When I returned from my run I actually told my wife that I was sick of the warm weather and much preferred running in the cold to running in the heat. She told me that I was an idiot for running during the hottest part of the day and she’s probably right. Frankly, there are only two words that can be used to describe someone who waits until the hottest part of the afternoon to run: mor on.

I woke up Sunday morning, not 18 hours after my long sweaty run, to the sounds of neighbors shoveling the snow from their walks and my two boys yelling “Daddy, it snowed!” I for one will not be complaining about the weather ever again (this is an outright lie), and I refused to shovel the driveway one day after getting sunburned as a matter of principle. For what it’s worth it doesn’t take much to sunburn my handsome fair complexion. I once had to be hospitalized for second degree sunburn after I stood at our front window waiting for the mailman to deliver my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. True story.

Saturday gave me a brief glimpse of what the spring and summer have in store for me and it was a nice reminder that I’ll need to get up earlier and not be so lazy about getting my runs in. Now if I could just get one more glimpse of summer today I can remain obstinate about not shoveling the ice rink that is my driveway.

Boston Marathon is Today, Demanding

So this wouldn’t be much of a running blog if I didn’t mention that today is the 111th running of the Boston Marathon. As if the Boston Marathon wasn’t difficult enough weather reports from Boston today indicate that the runners began the race in the pouring rain and wind gusts of up to 50mph. Despite this the current leaders are averaging 5 minute miles. I once went 26.2 miles at a 5 minute/mile pace, but I was in my car at the tail end of rush hour.

Here at Half-Fast I’d like to give a big shout out (or mad props, or whatever makes me sound hip and cool) to all the runners who will finish the race today. Congratulations, you are far more dedicated and in far better shape than I am. I have a great deal of respect for all the runners. When they get done today, they will rush home, physically exhausted and wear themselves out intellectually trying to finish their taxes before tonight’s deadline (tomorrow for MA residents) and then they will probably hibernate for the rest of the summer.

For more on today's Boston Marathon including results and pictures please visit www.bostonmarathon.org or boston.com

Weather Update

I got home from work today and am happy to report that the weather has changed since my last post, the snow has stopped, the ground is dry, and therefore it is with great regret that I must type the following:

Dear Treadmill,
This is the hardest letter that I’ve ever had to write. It just seems like we’ve grown apart, you used to be so much fun. What happened to you? You changed. Don’t take that the wrong way… it’s not you it’s me. I’m just not ready for a commitment.

Before I can be OK with US, I’ve got to be OK with ME. I just want to be friends, besides you deserve better than me. The thing is, there’s someone else. You remember the road, you met her when I brought you home from the store. She’s fun, she get’s me, she’s spontaneous. I’ll always treasure the good times we had.

All that just to say that I didn’t have to run on the treadmill tonight afterall.

Treadmills are for Hamsters

It’s snowing here in Denver today, and that really sucks because it means that I’m going to have to go down to the depths of my unfinished basement and run on the treadmill. If it was just cold outside I’d simply put on my hey-that-guy-looks-like-he’s-about-to-break-into-my-house hoodie and ski-mask and run outside, shrinkage be damned. Alas, I cannot risk slipping on the ice and snow and getting injured.

Fortunately I only have 4 miles scheduled for today, because if it was anything longer I might die of boredom. I meet a lot of runners who love to run on the treadmill, but I don’t know how you do it. I stare at the dull concrete wall, running towards it at a lightning fast pace (it’s my blog - I decide what constitutes a lightning fast pace) not going anywhere, not feeling the breeze in my hair, not smelling the freshly cut grass and the BBQs, not waving at fellow runners on the trail, not enjoying the views and I wonder to myself “how do hamster’s do it?” … I mean, how do hamsters run in a wheel, not literally how do they DO IT… well sometimes I wonder that too, because I’m just THAT bored.

You’re probably thinking, “Hey, it didn’t start snowing until this afternoon, why didn’t he just get up early and run before work?” Yeah, right. That just smacks of dedication and motivation, and if I possessed those two qualities I wouldn’t be posting to my blog in the middle of the work day now would I?

Anyway, thanks for listening to me rant and reading to the end. Your reward? Enjoy this little video that sums up my views on treadmills.