I’m a WINNER!

Guess which idiot blogger with a penchant for (unnecessary) parentheses and the Caps Lock key just won his age group at a local 5k this weekend? (((THIS GUY!!)))

That’s right folks, I am the proud new owner of a 1st Place medal in the Male 30 - 39 division. Moreover, Candis is the proud new owner of a 3rd Place medal in the Overall Female category. Yes, it was a small race, why do you ask?

Now that I’ve ruined the ending of this story, let me back up and start at the beginning. Late last week we discovered that Horizon High School was hosting the Hawk Hustle 5k to benefit their athletics department and we decided to support them and signed up at the last minute. One of the main selling points of this race was the fact that the high school is located no more than a quarter mile from our house and the race was being run on the paths that Candis and I run on regularly. With the race being so close we were able to sleep in until 8 o’clock on Saturday morning. I think that’s the latest I’ve ever been able to get up on a race morning. Candis went over to the school and brought back our bibs while I brewed us some coffee and took care of my other morning business.

As the Chik-fil-A cow fumbled with the starter’s pistol everyone seemed to shy away from being at the front of the starting crowd so I stepped up and toed the line. The cow finally figured out a way to fire the pistol without breaking character and we were off. I was feeling good and actually ran with the lead pack for about a half a mile, then I looked at my Garmin and noticed that we were at a 6:50 pace and I had to slow down. I ended up finishing 12th out of 103 people and of course, 1st in my age group. And before you ask, no I wasn’t the only person in my age group, there were 8 other guys racing in the 30 - 39 division. Candis finished about a minute and a half behind me as the 3rd overall woman and was 2nd in her age group.

My time was 26:03 which is a lot slower than I would have liked even taking into account that the course was actually 3.25 miles. Normally I’d be disappointed with a time like that since it seems to confirm that I’ve hit a plateau if not a downward trend, but I’m still beaming from finally winning an age group award. It was all that I hoped it would be! What can I say, sometimes the triumphs come when you least expect them.

Alright, fess up! Which one of you is this?

No question in my mind that this is one of my readers so which one of you wants to cop to it.



I have to give props to the people on either side of her for not even giving her a quizzical look. I don’t think a sharp backhand would have been out of order given the circumstances. I mean, I didn’t go to law school or anything but I did take one Intro to Business Law class in college and I’m pretty sure that you can’t be charged with assault if someone’s acting that stupid. They’re basically asking for it.

Also, a quick pointer for all three of those people in the video; you guys know that those things go faster than that, right? Mmmkay, just checking.

Oh, and sorry about that song playing in the background of the video. You should have muted your speakers if you didn’t want that stuck in your head all day, and I should have mentioned this in the paragraph above the video but if I have to suffer, you do too.

Product Review: Belkin Sports Armband for iPhone

I know what you’re thinking: “How does a guy who is only averaging six posts a month keep getting free stuff to review?” It’s quite simple really. I may not write a lot but I write good. It’s about quality over quantity. No? Not buying it? Yeah, me either but I really don’t have any other explanation as to why I continue to get free stuff. You don’t question the gravy train, you just keep riding it until you’re plump with so many free products and shoes and assorted schwag that you begin to sweat them from your very pores.

A number of weeks ago I was contacted by a wonderful individual named Natalie who was offering to send me the Belkin DualFit Sports Armband (for iPhone). I could immediately tell from the e-mail that Natalie was a wonderful person when she said that she wanted to give me a product to review. That’s pretty much all it takes for me to think that you’re a wonderful person, which explains why I think so little of so many of you dear readers. Anyway, Natalie sent me the Armband and I tested it out.

Here are my findings:
It works! It holds my iPhone securely on my arm, but not so securely as to be uncomfortable. The plastic screen allows me to use my iPhone without taking the phone out of the Armband, this is important for those times I want to skip a song in my playlist or catch up on some e-mail correspondence during my runs. It even has a hole in the bottom of the armband so that I can charge or sync the phone without taking it out of the armband. I have no idea why I’d want to do that, but it’s good to know that I can. The only downside to the Belkin DualFit Sports Armband that I could find was that it was such a tight fit that I had to take my iPhone out of its protective case to put it in the armband. What if I drop it in between the case and the armband? I would be doomed! Other than that though, the armband was great and I suppose it has to be a tight fit so that the iPhone doesn’t slip out easily while you’re running. In conclusion, (cheesy endorsement coming...) I suggest that you all head on over to MobileFun for all of your iPhone accessories and for whatever else they sell there, I’m sure it’s all good.

Be sure to click on the links in this post so that wonderful Natalie thinks that giving me a free Belkin Armband was worth it, because if she doesn’t then I won’t keep getting free stuff to review and then how will I make you all jealous of me if I don’t have free stuff to review? Answer: With my dashing good looks and devilish charm, that’s how... but I’d still like the free stuff to go along with it.

The Long Con

Yesterday I concluded a two part April Fools’ Day joke. After posting an April Fools’ day joke the previous two years I knew that some of you might suspect something and needed a way to throw you off the scent. I came up with the idea of the multi-day fool a couple of years ago when another blog I read (Cynical Dad) pulled it off to perfection with a 3 day story, concluding on April 1st. (You see how I both credited the original source AND took credit for the idea in that last sentence? There’s a fine line between Ian and genius and I just blurred it.) However, three days of foolery sounded like a lot of work so naturally I cut it down to two, that’s the way I roll here at Half-Fast. (It’s still cool to say “that’s how I roll,” right?)

As with any good lie, large portions of the story were true. In fact, everything I wrote in Act 1 was true, and a large part of Act 2 was true. I’ve gone back through yesterday’s post and changed the text color to red on any part that was NOT true, but if you’re too lazy to re-read it I’ll give a quick summation. The kid and most of his antics were real, although I may have over-emphasized how annoying he was. I never actually said anything to the kid but I did roll my eyes and sigh a lot to express my annoyance like the mature adult that I am. After ten minutes in the fitness center the kid left and never came back, and I never met his father and I’ve still never fallen off a treadmill and I NEVER WILL! Also, I have no idea how I will follow this up next year. Perhaps I’ll fool you all by confessing to some heinous thing that I did and telling you on April 1st, but the joke will be that it’s all true and no one will believe me. Gotcha! Or maybe I’ll make up a funny April Fools’ story, but post it on March 1st when no one’s expecting it. Oh, that’s a good one. ZING!!

A lot of people hate April Fools’ Day, not me, I love it. I’m suspicious of everything on April 1st. “Well I have a green light, but maybe this is an elaborate joke and we all have a green light? I should just sit here so I don’t look like a fool.” I cannot be had, do you hear me? OK, occasionally someone gets me and I love it even more when that happens. Well played, good sir.

Yesterday my favorite running related pranks were the Boston Marathon lowering their qualifying times and Gu adding some delicious new flavors recapped here by Steve. Liver ‘n’ Onions anyone? My least favorite one was Xenia’s since it was posted before mine and alerted some of you to what I was doing.

UPDATE: According to Mike at Running Is Funny the Boston Marathon pulled no such prank. Apparently it was a fake site that had everyone up in arms over the new lower qualifying times and the Boston Athletic Association is none to thrilled and looking to take legal action.

Get off my treadmill! Act 2

Where were we? Oh yes, we ended Act1 (read it here if you missed it) with me on the verge of making an ass of myself.

I was a couple of miles into my run when I heard the door to the fitness center open. I quickly grabbed the remote and switched off the Will and Grace re-run that I was watching in favor of ESPN. Grrrrrr sports! In walked my little friend and I could tell that he was ready for another workout because he was still wearing his workout jeans. He spotted me on the treadmill and was visibly disappointed. After standing there watching me for a few seconds he looked at the other exercise equipment in the room, presumably to determine which would be best for some high intensity screwing around.

The elliptical was the winner, or perhaps the loser if you’re looking at it from the elliptical’s point of view. He climbed on and started exercising, constantly leaning over to get a look at how fast I was going and attempting to match my pace. I was smack in the middle of an interval and had the speed set at 8mph (don’t laugh, that’s interval speed for me). I immediately decided that I would keep going at that speed until he stopped and fortunately for me he was tuckered out after about a minute. At this point he turned on the TV in front of the elliptical and cranked the volume up until it was loud enough to drown out my TV.

Next he stood with both of his feet on one of the eliptical’s paddles and began rowing himself up and down like a piston, a chubby piston. At this point I was getting a little agitated. He was no longer watching the TV but still had the volume cranked up so I asked him if he’d mind turning off the TV if he wasn’t watching it. He turned and walked away from me, completely ignoring me as if he was my own child. It was just as annoying when he did it as it is when they do it.

At this point he was just trying to irritate me. He took the dumbbells off the rack and started spinning them around at arm’s length as fast as he could, then left them lying on the floor. He stood behind my treadmill and imitated me running. I know this because as with most fitness centers, this one had a large mirror in front of the treadmill. And that’s when I lost it. I don’t know why that kind of thing gets my blood boiling so quickly but it’s happened before. I hopped off the treadmill, turned to face him and yelled at him. Yelled at him, at a kid. I’m not even going to tell you what I said because I’m pretty ashamed of myself for having said it. It was a stupid thing to do and I’m not proud of it, but the kid left quickly so it was at least effective.

Moments later I was running on the treadmill again when the kid walked back in followed by his father. His big, angry father. You might have deduced this from my race pictures but I’m not exactly a big guy. I’m all of 5’5” soaking wet (and bone dry since being soaking wet doesn’t make you any taller). I was terrified that this guy was going to crush me and in my haste to get off the treadmill and face him I got crossed up and ended up falling like a sack of potatoes onto the moving surface where I was promptly ejected off the back. My right forearm was throbbing like it was broken and I don’t even know what I hit it on (it’s not broken by the way, I’m just a wuss). The kid’s dad moved towards me quickly and with my adrenaline rushing I was sure that he meant to harm me. With my left arm caught awkwardly underneath me and my right arm in pain I did the first thing that I could think of to protect myself; I lifted my foot up to fend off Gigantor, who was now looming over me. He immediately grabbed a hold of my ankle with his enormous paw and started pulling... pulling on my leg... just like I’m pulling yours! April Fool’s suckers! I can’t believe you didn’t see that coming. Or maybe you did, bully for you. Let this be a lesson to you not to believe anything you read today.

Get off my treadmill! Act 1

This is a two part story because it got kind of long when I was writing it and I was incapable of editing it down, a sure sign of a good writer.

As you know from my previous post I was in South Dakota last week for a little R & R but I packed some workout clothes so that I could squeeze in some running. The hotel website promised a fitness center, which if you travel a lot you know can be hit or miss. In this case the fitness center was a standard hotel room which had been filled with as much exercise equipment as they could squeeze in there along with a few TVs. It consisted of a treadmill, an elliptical, a recumbent bike (who uses those things?) a small sit up bench, a rack of dumbbells and a rack of towels. Frankly, I was happy with the set up as I never know what to expect when I’m at a hotel. My only concern with just one treadmill was that someone else would be using it when I was ready to run, it was a concern that proved to be valid.

On Friday morning we were on our way back from breakfast when I decided to stop by the “fitness center” to see if anyone was using the treadmill. If not, I planned to rush back to the room, change into workout clothes and then go claim the treadmill for a few quick miles. (Yes, “quick” should have probably been in quotes too.) As I entered the room I could hear the familiar thud of footsteps on a treadmill. Crap. Sure enough someone was using it, however that someone was a slightly chubby kid who I was sure was just screwing around and not actually working out. My assumption was not based on his weight but on the fact that he was running on the treadmill barefoot and in jeans. Jeans! As I left the fitness center I couldn’t help but notice that the sign on the door said “Under 18 must be accompanied by an adult” and I’m guessing this kid was roughly 8 years shy.

As I was changing back in our room I contemplated what to do if the kid was still on my treadmill when I got back down there. I figured my options were: 1. Anonymous tip to hotel security that a minor was using the fitness center unsupervised. 2. Go and use the elliptical while rolling my eyes and making disapproving faces at the kid until he felt uncomfortable enough to leave. 3. Be mature and say something along the lines of “Hey if you’re not really using the treadmill do you mind if I get in a few miles?” Mature and I don’t often get put in the same sentence like that though so I wasn’t going with option 3 and option 1 was too much of a prick thing to do, even for me so I settled on option number 2.

I walked back down to the fitness center practicing my disapproving stares and disgusted sighs only to find that the kid had already left. I have to admit I was a little disappointed that I was not going to get to use my new battery of expressions, but resolved to use some of my best ones on my family during the remainder of the trip. (I’m such a joy to be around!) My disappointment was short-lived however as the kid soon returned - without adult supervision!!!

I’ll post Act 2 in a little while, wherein the kid returns and makes an ass of himself, I respond by making an ass of myself and in general everyone’s an ass. It was not my finest moment.

I’m Back

What do you mean you didn’t notice that I was gone? You mean to tell me that you don’t hang on my every word? You don’t sit there helplessly staring at the computer screen waiting for a Half-Fast post, completely unable to do anything productive until you’ve heard what I have to say? I am deeply offended.

As you may have guessed from the picture above, my family and I spent most of last week in South Dakota admiring mountain carvings and buying up as much of South Dakota’s supply of polished rocks as my children’s little hands could carry. I tried to talk them out of the polished rocks but they had their own money to spend and when you’re six years old bagfuls of polished rocks sound like a wise investment. I would have told you all that I was going to be gone but I really thought that I was going to find time to post while I was away. Honestly I did have the time to post but just didn’t feel like it, plus I’ve got a really good story to tell you that deserves my full attention and a half-fast post from a hotel room just wouldn’t do it justice. I’ll get to the story tomorrow but for now just know that we had a good trip. We visited Mount Rushmore (very impressive) and Crazy Horse (less impressive, at least for now) and did you know that they carve those mountains with dynamite? I cannot begin to tell you how disappointed I was to learn that those are not natural rock formations! We also spent a lot of time at our hotel pool, which the kids loved because it had a waterslide. I totally owned that waterslide. I was like the German luge team at the Olympics. I would get to the top and grab the handle bar above the slide entrance, then I would rock back and forth counting out “eins, zwei, drei” and then I would fling my body down the tube without a thought for my own personal safety. That’s how you have to do it if you want to be the best in the world. The key to riding a waterslide is reducing your friction on the slide so you have to arch up and ride down on your shoulder blades and heels. None of the other kids were achieving the dangerous kind of speeds that I was or creating even one tenth of splash at the bottom that I was. They just could not match my derring-do. Candis and I were both so happy that the hotel had a water slide, you know, for the kids.

Back to the Track, Jack

(Note: I have no idea who Jack is, but I was feeling the whole rhyming post title and it sounded good in my head.)

On Tuesday night Candis and I took advantage of our extra hour of daylight and ventured out to the track for some intervals. You know what I love about the track? - Leaving. That’s right, I love it when the workout is over and I get to go home. Does running intervals at the track make me a better runner? Absolutely. Does it push me to my limits and leave me with a feeling of accomplishment? No question. Do I enjoy running intervals? No. No I do not. There is no better way to make yourself feel like a wheezing, lumbering fatty than to challenge yourself with some intervals.

I was a little slower than I would have liked and Candis was a little faster than I would have liked. I ran 5 x 800s (7:32 pace) and she had the nerve to stick with me for the first three 800s. Wha?!? Yup, she stayed about a step behind me for the first three intervals, probably so that she could admire my legs and butt. What am I a piece of meat? I managed to drop her on the last two intervals but I found little comfort in beating her because she cut them down to 400s so that I wouldn’t have the thrill of standing around at the finish line and waiting for her while repeatedly checking my watch.

There’s no motivation in the world like your wife starting to catch up to you. She’s getting faster and a cursory check of the last time I wrote about hating intervals reveals that I am not (see my pacing at the bottom of that post). I think she’s even starting to get ideas in her head about competing with me in races, which is just preposterous. How am I supposed to keep her in her proper place if she starts beating me in races? By the way, that’s just a rhetorical question because it’s NEVER GONNA’ HAPPEN. You hear me?

Runner Jumps off Cliff

In last Wednesday’s post I discussed all the ways that I envisioned myself escaping from any would be attackers who might be tempted to get up in my business while I was running. (I hope that phrase means what I think it means.) One escape tactic that I had never thought about was to jump off a cliff, but that’s exactly what one runner was forced to do recently in Malibu. From the AP:

MALIBU, Calif. — Authorities say a man tried to sexually assault a Southern California jogger who escaped by jumping off a cliff and sliding about 100 feet down a steep hillside.

Los Angeles County sheriff's Sgt. Derek Sabatini says the woman was taken to a hospital Friday with cuts and bruises from the fall in Malibu.

She told deputies she had finished a run at about noon at Point Dume State Beach and was standing at the edge of a cliff when she was grabbed from behind. She says she and the man struggled for several minutes before she was able to break away. That’s when the woman ran and jumped off the cliff.

Deputies say the suspect then escaped in the woman’s Toyota Land Cruiser. [Source]

I’m glad that the woman escaped and I hope that they find the prick that did this but sliding down the cliffs at Malibu is so not helping the coastal erosion problem that they’re facing there. Plus, what’s up with the AP referring to her as a jogger? She sounds more like a runner to me; jumping off a cliff is pretty hardcore.

Be safe out there, it’s not like this woman was out running in Compton. She was in Malibu for crying out loud. At noon!

Thanks to my sister/editor for the tip.

Half-Fast Friday: Virtual Race Report

Shouldn’t a virtual race be one that I get to run virtually? You know like on Wii Fit or something? I feel like I was conned when I signed up for this thing. Nevertheless, last night I went out and ran an actual 6.66 miles as part of Razz’s GW,MA!6.66MR. My FIRST training schedule called for a 7 mile run last night (1 easy, 2 tempo, 1 easy, 2 tempo, 1 easy) and I certainly contemplated just running 6.66 miles as fast as I could but ended up sticking to the suggested pacing. Far be it from me to question the authority of FIRST.

Yes, that means that my virtual race had 2.66 miles of easy running sprinkled throughout it but I think that was necessary for the following three reasons: 1. You can’t boast about being faster than me because I was taking it easy. 2. I’m lazy. 3. It was important to show a certain amount of disdain for Razz’s virtual race and what better way to do that than by throwing in a few apathetic miles.

The Results: 6.66 miles in 59:12, that’s an 8:54 pace. Meh.

Because no race report is ever complete without some excuses I feel like I should also mention that I’m still getting over a cold so I didn’t have a lot of energy for this race and it was really windy and it was hilly and it was at altitude. Basically what I’m trying to say is that my race was tougher than your race, but good job on beating me if you did. Bully for you. Try to not let the fact that I was throwing in easy miles tarnish your victory.

Enjoy the weekend, everyone!