Off Season Regimen

It’s the offseason. Not just for running but apparently for posting too. This is the time of year when my running usually takes a backseat to indulging my offseason hobbies of cookie eating and eggnog spiking. Last year I was unable to fully enjoy those hobbies because I was in the middle of training for a marathon but this year my plan to get back on the cookie wagon is in full swing.

In order to impede my poor eating habits I’ve also been doing a lot of cross training this winter in the form of P90X. You’ve probably seen the ads for it all over the place and now that I’ve mentioned it in a post it will probably show up in the ads here too. I’ve never been good at cross training because I’ve never really enjoyed it all that much, and therefore I’ve never stuck to it for more than a few weeks. To be honest I’d rather just go run than spend my time lifting weights or doing yoga or whatever else it is that you do for cross training, but P90X has been different. I actually enjoy doing it.

One of the reasons for doing P90X is so that I can start to look more like the cover models on Runner’s World magazine. I’ve often made mention on this blog of my chiseled Pecs and my rippling abs and it would be kind of cool if one of those things were actually true. Maybe then I could get on the cover of RW, I’d even be willing to wax my chest to help make it happen. Ironically, my quest to look more like a RW runner has led to me running less frequently (as little as twice a week) and doing more cross training, but it’s the offseason so I’m OK with that.

Site Note
Sorry about the lack of posting lately. I’ve been struggling to find the motivation to write something on a regular basis, but I’d like to get back to it because it’s a cathartic exercise for me. I’ll have a year in review post coming up next week that you don’t want to miss. If you’ve been following my race results this year then you know that there are going to be a lot of excuses. A. LOT.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukah or whatever it is that you celebrate in the winter season that allows you to eat stupid amounts of fatty foods. The winter solstice has passed and that means that Spring (and racing season) is practically here!

Re-Naming The Half Marathon

I have long thought that calling a 13.1 mile race a ‘half’ was a great disservice to the distance. This is mostly because I enjoy running half marathons and intend to run many more of them. The same cannot be said for the full marathon. I did not enjoy it, and I do not intend to run many more of them... that’s what I meant when I said that the same cannot be said for the full marathon. Why are you making me explain this twice?

This naming problem has been brought up by countless other bloggers. Nitmos complained about it in this post back when he wasn’t lazy and used to post regularly (“Hello Kettle, you’re black!”), but as you would expect from Nitmos he didn’t really provide any workable solutions. Typical. Kristina touched on the issue yesterday in her Op-Ed Wed piece which I highly recommend as it is a great read almost every Wednesday (the one time when it was not a great read was when Kristina took apart Reebok* for their EasyTone ads because it made me feel ashamed that I had posted the ads even though I ranted against them lightly disapproved. - Not cool Kristina! Not cool.) Kristina also did not offer any naming solutions, although to be fair her beef was with some idiot whose resolution was to rename the half marathon the ‘13.1 Marathon.’ That simply won’t do. If you did this you’d have to start calling 26.2 miles the Double Marathon and an Ultra Marathon would become a Double Ultra Marathon (which would appropriately be abbreviated as DUM).

I think we can all agree that you can’t call 13.1 miles a marathon, but I don’t like calling it a half marathon either. With that in mind I’d like to offer the following suggestions for races so that the 13.1 mile distance can finally get some much needed respect.

• The 21k - This is my second favorite option.
• The Double 10k - Theory: We overcompensate for having to use the word ‘half’ by sticking the word ‘double’ into the name of the race. Problem: Not an accurate representation of the actual distance, which leads me to my favorite option...
• The Triple 7k - This is my favorite option, stop making me explain everything twice. There is some serious overcompensation going on here which is what I’m all about. (In fact, the reason that I drive a beat up, crappy vehicle is to overcompensate for my huge, enormous... you know... ego... in a manner of speaking.) Plus, everyone knows that triple 7s are lucky. You might run a bad ‘half marathon’ but you’d never have a bad day running a ‘Triple 7k.’
• The Thirteeny - Yeah, that ‘teeny’ on the end isn’t helping.
• The 69,168 footer
• The 6,864 Acre Race - This sounds much more massive than ‘half marathon’ doesn’t it? If my calculations are correct (and they’re probably not) you would encompass an area of 6,864.4 acres if you ran a 13.1 mile square (i.e. 3.275 miles on each side of the square). Awesome!

I really think that if we all adopt one of these names for the 13.1 mile distance that we can get some race director somewhere to adopt our nomenclature and then I can totally take credit for it. Come on race directors, if your race was called the ‘P.F. Chang’s Rock ‘N’ Roll Marathon and Triple 7k’ it would make it sound like you were hosting two completely different races, and hey, guess what? They ARE two completely different races. Sure, the Triple 7k may often be run on a portion of the marathon course but it’s a different strategy and requires different training than the marathon. I’m not going to get into that here though because Kristina does a great job breaking down all the reasons why it’s a different animal in her post and I wasn’t smart enough to understand all of them.

Let me hear your suggestions in the comments.

*Actually, the Reebok post was fantastic, but I still don’t think people should make me feel ashamed of my chauvinistic tendencies.

More Podcast Goodness

The latest issue of Banned on the Run is ready for your ears to consume, unfortunately your ears are probably not ready for the latest installment of Banned on the Run.

In this episode we discuss a lot of things that are not even remotely related to running, so basically it’s just like every other episode. However, the short amount of time that we do spend talking about running is actually very beneficial as we discuss the variables of VO2 max, the ramifications of over pronation versus supination, and how to apply the Pythagorean Theorem to running. And if you believe all that then I’ve got some ocean front property here in Colorado that I’d like to sell you.

You can always find a link to the latest episode in the sidebar to your right. *Makes flight attendant motion to right.* We know that there are many different podcasts out there that you can choose from and we thank you for selecting Banned on the Run for your listening enjoyment. Your Captain today is Raz (blame him for any editing mistakes) and he is joined by me and Amy. Nitmos was unable to be with us on this podcast and his peculiar brand of humor was greatly missed. Don’t let that stop you from downloading the podcast though because we made up for it by repeatedly taking cheap shots at him and I was lying about his humor being missed. It was kind of like that whole idea of addition by subtraction which, I think, is what the Pythagorean Theorem is all about.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Vanilla Has Left the Building

When I first started this blog I was bound and determined to remain anonymous, and I debated long and hard trying to find a nickname that would conjure up the idea that I was just an average, ordinary guy (of course, the truth is that I’m an extraordinary individual and well above average in every way but I didn’t want to seem too imposing to my average readers). I considered Average Joe, but it was too mundane, and somehow I ended up going back and forth between calling myself Plain Vanilla and Joe Vanilla which I realize now were both awful. Finally I decided to keep it simple and just go with Vanilla. Surely everyone would recognize that I was shooting for a plain, boring, average descriptor and not a washed up, over-exposed rapper, right? Right?

Anyway, about a month and a half and a couple of subscribers into writing the blog I posted a picture of my race bib and a link to the race website and that was pretty much the end of my anonymity. Not that people were rushing to discover who the genius was behind this rocking new Half-Fast running blog, but I knew from that point on that I wasn’t really anonymous any more. A couple of weeks later I even posted race pictures and kicked anonymity to the curb, but still went by the name Vanilla.

The reasons for using my real name have been mounting for quite some time. My wife, Candis, posts here and she uses her real name and refers to me by mine. Try as I might I can’t get her to call me Vanilla around the house. I used my real name when I was posting for Complete Running, I’m involved with a podcast (new episode coming soon) and it would seem absurd to go by Vanilla on the podcast. Finally, I suspect that many of you have acted on your stalker tendencies and looked up my real name. It feeds my ego to think that I’m cool enough for you to waste your time trying to learn more about me.

Despite all the mounting reasons to discard the name, I continued to go by Vanilla because there seemed to be some humor in it. I even managed to get a whole post out of it (and now I’ve gotten two out of it), then there was the whole Gorilla Ice thing which wouldn’t have worked as well if I wasn’t known as Vanilla.

It all ends today. Hello, my name is Ian Hunter, it’s a pleasure to meet you. If you want to know more about me then be sure to check out my Wiki page.

Update from thrīv: Someone from thrīv left a comment on my last post and they were pretty cool about the fact that I was mocking their name. Leaving me a smartass comment gets you another mention and another link. According to the comment they left, they’re giving away more shirts on their website, check it out:

Thanks for taking the shirt out for a run, and providing great feedback on the brand name and look of the shirt. Have you seen the other styles in the fall line? They look more "tech" than the basic shirt we sent you.

Thank you also to the others that left comments--rest assured, we are listening. For those that are jealous of Half-Fast's free shirt, we are giving away more shirts, details are on our website.

Best of luck in your training endeavors.

And yes, we referenced Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" while writting this comment. K?

Go check out their site for a free shirt and be sure to let them know that there’s only one t in writing. Maybe Strunk & White didn’t cover spelling.

Thrīv

Six weeks ago I received an e-mail from a gentleman who was working for thrīv Natural Performance Wear and he of course loved my blog and wanted to give me a free thrīv workout shirt that I could write about. Not one to turn down free things I graciously accepted. After all, the motto that I live by is ‘if it’s free, it’s for me!’

According to their promotional materials, thrīv performance clothing “is made from eco-friendly bamboo and cotton, so it’s far more natural and lightweight than synthetic polyesters. This unique fabric blend wicks sweat better than Under Armour, and it also has a higher SPF. It doesn’t hold in odors, and it’s extraordinarily soft.” Making things out of bamboo is the in thing to do. We own bamboo sheets and my wife has a bamboo case for her iPhone which just proves how in touch we are.

As promised, the shirt was ridiculously soft and very lightweight. In fact, it was so soft that I didn’t even put Band-Aids on my nipples because I actually wanted them to rub up against the material as my chiseled man-pecs flopped around. I took the shirt out for a quick 3 mile test run and was pleasantly surprised to find that not only were both nipples intact when I arrived back home but they were also a little aroused which leads me to wonder when thrīv is going to start making bamboo performance underwear. Oh come on, you were thinking it too.

The major downside to the thrīv workout shirt is that it looks exactly like a T-shirt so I was forced to tell everyone that I ran past that it was a bamboo performance shirt lest they think I was some rookie runner out running in a plain cotton T-shirt. Other than that slight downfall, the shirt works great. I did notice that by the end of my run the shirt was sticking to the gorge between my sweaty man-pecs, so I’ll be keeping an eye out for that on future runs.

The only other negative thing that I can think to say about the shirt is that I’m getting a little tired of companies misspelling words, or spelling them phonetically. “Hey, let’s drop the e and put a macron over the i so that it’s still pronounced like thrive.” You know what this kind of irresponsible behavior leads to? It leads to people sending me texts that use ‘ur’ in place of ‘your’ or ‘prolly’ in place of ‘probably’ and it annoys the crap out of me. Guess wut? Ur prolly failing English 101. (Blegh, I feel dirty just typing that.) Yeah, I’m the guy who sends texts that use correct punctuation and uppercase letters to start sentences because dag nab it, proper punctuation is worth the extra 3 seconds that it costs me to type it! And quite frankly, I don’t want to be the kind of person who uses those cutesy shortcut words because once you start doing that you’re only one step away from being the guy that forwards e-mails chock-full of hamsters giving each other flowers with the subject line ‘jus 2 make u smile’. You make me sick!

Anyway, huge thanks go out to thrīv (which I’m pronouncing like shiv because it makes me want to drive one into my temple) for sending me the shirt. After this post it’s destined to be the last thing that they’re ever going to send me unless we count bad vibes or the cease and desist letter that their lawyer just started hastily typing upon reading this. The shirt rocks, even if it does look like a T-shirt.

Reebok Talking Breasts Ad FTW!

You’ve no doubt already seen the first Reebok ad for EasyTone shoes where the cameraman can’t help but focus on the sexy model’s legs and butt which she so obviously got from wearing Reebok EasyTone shoes and nothing else. I saw that ad last weekend and I was ready to give Reebok my full endorsement, but then just when I thought that Reebok couldn’t get any awesomer they went and came out with the following ad featuring talking breasts. It’s like they’re in my head. Seriously, I’m always thinking breasts are talking to me.



Come now, when someone is speaking to you it’s rude not to look at them. But perhaps you find yourself thinking ‘the original commercial was pretty good but those shorts covered way too much of the model’s butt for me to determine how well those Reebok EasyTone shoes are working.’ Well fear not tushie aficionados, they also have the ad below which is just what you’ve been looking for, although it does get a little repetitive after the first thirty times through it.



By running ads that focus on the legs, breasts and the derriere Reebok has pretty much achieved the illusive Triple Crown of chauvinism in the objectification of women sweepstakes. Well played Reebok. So who are these ads designed to reach? While the frat boys in the Reebok marketing department are probably high fiving themselves over these ads, the shoes are clearly designed for women but what possible effect could those ads have on women other than to create a feeling of inadequacy? Is that really the route Reebok wants to go? Whoa. Sorry, I’m getting a little too deep and thoughtful for a Friday video post. (It’s just the medicine talking.) Heck, I’m getting a little too deep and thoughtful for a Half-Fast post period. Perhaps I’ll just go back to quiet admiration. Yes, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

[Via Warming Glow]

Blegh!

Last week my 6 year old brought home something special from school, I believe the technical term for it is H1N1. Not officially confirmed (though there have been confirmed H1N1 cases at his school) but at the very least we all have some flu-ey type of virus thing. It sucks.

Combine that with the week (OK, fine two weeks) that I took off from running after the Denver Half Marathon and it’s been almost three weeks since I’ve run. On the bright side I can’t wait to get back to it. That’s about all I feel like typing today so enjoy this video of NYC Marathon winner Meb Keflezighi reading the Top 10 on Letterman. I stole it from Mike at Running Is Funny. (Shhhhh. Don’t tell.)

I think my favorites are #4 and #5.

Last Minute Halloween Costumes for Runners

Tomorrow is Halloween and if you’re like me you’ve waited until the last minute to think about what kind of costume you’re going to wear and now it’s too late to make that awesome Geico pile of money costume. Of course if you were really like me then you’d have some wicked good dancing skills and a Gorilla Ice costume to fall back on, but since you have two left feet and a dearth of gorilla suits lying around I’m going to help you out with a last minute Halloween costume suggestion for runners. Was that not clear from the title?

Are you ready for this? Go dressed as... a runner. I can already hear you saying “But I am a runner, so why is that a good costume?” It’s a good costume because many of the people at your Halloween party probably don’t know that you are a runner or may have never seen you running. It’s like when I go dressed as a banker, talk about a funny costume! I get all the laughs, especially when I do my dancing banker bit. Plus, this is a last minute idea so while dressing as a giant iPhone may sound like a good idea you probably don’t have a spare flatscreen lying around that you can use, but if you do then send it my way.

Here’s what you’ll need: running shoes, short shorts, a singlet with an old race bib pinned to it, Band-Aids for your nipples (or red food dye on the singlet), a watch and a headband. The headband is necessary for selling your costume as an obsessed runner, but what is really going to sell this is not what you wear but how you act. You should be in a hurry wherever you go. Grab people’s drinks out of their hand like they were a race volunteer and chug them as you run off, better yet splash them all over your face and toss the cup to the side. People won’t ever get tired of your drink-stealing antics and hey, free drinks for you all night!

If you don’t think you can get away with stealing drinks wear your fuel belt and fill up your 6oz flasks with your beverage of choice. Not only do you have a rockin’ costume but you can also have your hands free all night and you won’t forget where you left your drink. (Note: If you do forget where you left your drink, it’s on your hip and you are way too drunk. Go home now before you make a fool of yourself.)

You’re also going to want to stretch a lot. Don’t be afraid to bend over and touch your toes right in front of people or to just cop a squat wherever you are to do some stretches. Wear a watch with a stopwatch so that you can annoyingly time everything that anyone does.
Friend: “I’ll be right back, I’m going to the bathroom.”
You: “OK, I’ll time you. Ready... Set... GO!”
*When they return*
You: “3 minutes and 22 point 47 seconds! That’s a new personal worst! What on earth were you doing in there?”

Don’t you go looking for a bathroom though, just go pee by the side of the road as you would in a race. Blow snot rockets and wipe the debris on the bottom of your shirt. Wear an old race medal because when are you ever going to have another chance to wear it and not feel like an attention seeking showoff. Wearing your medal also gives people who may not know that you are a runner the opportunity to ask you where you got it, which gives you an opening to be an attention seeking showoff and tell them all about the marathon you ran while allowing you to stay in character as an obsessive runner.

If you don’t like my suggestion then you could always go as balloon boy or Kate Gosselin, but you know that everyone is going to be doing that. Be original. Be a runner.

Anthony Edwards is Running

Check out the hilarious new video from Funny or Die via the always humorous Mark Remy from RW Daily.

Anthony Edwards has finally found a way to get back into television: The ING New York City Marathon. Listen and learn as he tells you about his preparation and planning for this spectacular live television event.

Anthony Edwards returns to TV in the NYC Marathon from Anthony Edwards

I’m so brushing my teeth with Accelerade on race mornings from now on.

Yeah, that’s all I got today.

How to Avoid Halloween Candy

It’s that time of year again when you find yourself with so many opportunities to teach your kids about sharing as you sample the Halloween candy that they’ve collected and take that last fun size Snickers for yourself. Like many of you, I try not to overdo it with the Halloween candy. I mean I rationalize it away by saying that I’m a runner and I need the energy or carbs and that I’ll just run an extra mile or two tomorrow to make up for that fistful of Candy Corn, but the truth is I rarely run an extra anything. So, in order to maintain my finely tuned runner’s body (finely tuned like a kazoo) I find the best policy is to try to avoid the Halloween candy. Here are some of the best candy avoidance techniques that I’ve come up with:

Aversion Therapy
Every time you eat a piece of candy have your spouse tell you you’re fat. Eventually you will learn to associate eating candy with being fat and your spouse’s disapproval. If this doesn’t work then have your spouse tell you you’re fat while smacking you upside your head.

Exposure Therapy
Go out right now and buy as much candy as you can. Consume it all at once. Repeat until you become nauseated by the candy and the undulating waves of sugar highs and crashes. If you’re not getting sick, you’re not eating enough candy. I suppose it would be more accurately termed Over-Exposure Therapy.

Fat Disgusting Picture Therapy
Just look at this fat disgusting picture. If you still feel like eating anything then there’s no helping you.

Bacon Therapy
Eat bacon instead of candy. Bacon tastes good, but it’s kind of salty and it doesn’t go well with candy. Also, you probably don’t want to ruin that delicious bacon taste that you have in your mouth now by eating candy. I’m not sure that this is really a healthier option than candy but this isn’t a healthy eating list, it’s a candy avoidance list and the bacon thing will work. Trust me.

Beer Therapy
Beer does not taste good with candy. I cannot enjoy a beer and simultaneously be eating candy. ‘But Ian,’ you say ‘what about when I’m done with the beer? Won’t I be tempted to eat candy when I stop drinking beer?’ Solution: Don’t stop drinking beer.

Sex Therapy
Make sweet, sweet love to your spouse. I don’t know why this would help you not eat any candy, but mmmm boy, it sure does sound like fun doesn’t it? Plus now that it’s officially part of this candy avoidance list you have one more tool at your disposal to help you plead your case. Not that you need any help since you are probably already using my handy pick-up lines.*

Germaphobe Therapy
Pretend the candy is covered in swine flu, which it probably is since it has been sitting in that bowl and all those kids have been reaching their grubby little hands in there, snot nosed little Petri dishes that they are. Candy corn is a breeding ground for viruses and bacteria.

Punishment Therapy
Think of ways to punish yourself for eating any Halloween candy, because I understand that this kind of obsessive, self-destructive behavior is a healthy way to think about food. If you can get to a point where you start hating yourself for eating candy you’re well on your way to a candy-free Halloween and probably an eating disorder too. Hey, it’s not so bad. At least you’ll be skinny and happy OK, so maybe just skinny.

That’s it, that’s all the suggestions I have. Best of luck giving yourself a candyectomy this Halloween season and remember, if you must eat Halloween candy, eat it while you run. Who needs sport beans and gels when you can chow down on candy corn and pop rocks.

*If you are using those pick-up lines you really do need help, but not the kind that you'll find here, professional help.