Half-Fast is a blog dedicated to finding the funnier side of running. Here you will find a collection of stories, poems, ideas, news and advice about running. OK, so there have only been two poems but that’s because I’m not a poet and I try to keep that stuff to a minimum and the advice? Well the advice sucks and should be blatantly disregarded as I am in no way qualified to give advice. If you came here looking to be inspired you’re in the wrong place, my friend.
If you come across any news stories, videos or anything else that you think would make a good post here at Half-Fast then be sure to send it my way.
If you have found yourself offended by something you’ve read here at Half-Fast then I recommend you head straight down to Wal-Mart and buy yourself a sense of humor, and a more relaxed fitting pair of underwear. Nothing that you read here should be taken seriously. Ever.
Author/Editor
Half-Fast is written by a sculpturesque runner who at one time used to be known as Vanilla in the online community and who is now talking about himself in the 3rd person. My real name is Ian but you can call me O Captain my Captain if you’re feeling daring. As for why I used to use the name Vanilla? Much like that Ice Ice Baby cassingle I bought, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
In addition to writing here at Half-Fast, I write sporadically over at Daddy’s Little Tax Credits, which is a blog about my lack of parenting acumen. I also write even more sporadically for the Complete Running Network, you can see my articles for CRN by following that link you just glossed over.
I am happily married to my High School Sweetheart and we have 2 young boys, ages 4 & 6 that are free to a good home.
View my complete profile here.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Best of Half-Fast
On the one hand it seems a little arrogant to have a ‘Best of Half-Fast’ section listing my favorite posts. It’s as if I’m saying “Hey, read these posts, they’re really, really good,” and that is something that I’d never actually say. On the other hand these posts are really, really good and if you’re new to Half-Fast then I want you to be able to find them quickly and easily because let’s face it, there’s a pretty good chance that I phoned in the post that’s currently at the top of the home page. I do that a lot. However, I actually put some time and thought into these posts and I hope that you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.
- That Wasn't Me You Saw Running - If you ever see me on the trail, chances are you’re witnessing a vanity fartlek.
- 9 Types of Runs - Every one of your runs fits into one of these categories. Trust me.
- An Open Letter of Apology - I’m sorry, so sorry.
- A New Toy, Almost - I go shopping for a new Garmin, hilarity does not ensue.
- Excuses - A Parody of Shel Silverstein’s poem Sick.
- And to Think That I Saw It on My Long Run - I plagiarize Dr. Seuss.
- Shocking Video: Shark Attacks Jogger! - My childhood fears are realized.
- We Deal in Speed, Friend - For the Skirt Chaser race report, Candis and I write a joint post.
- The rose goes in the front big guy - I go shopping for running shorts, a good time is not had by all.
- Pick-Up Lines for Runners - I create and experiment with some new pick-up lines.
- Excuse me, I'm trying to pee here - The chronicles of a desperate man.
- How to Annoy Other Runners - I rant about the annoying things that you probably do.
- To the police officer who almost ran me over in the crosswalk - I fight the law, and the law almost wins.
- Negative Ghost Rider, the Pattern is Full - I get buzzed by a cyclist.
- How to Ice Bath - I teach you to take an Ice Bath the Half-Fast way. You’ll never go back.
- If I Did Run a Race as a Bandit Runner - A pseudo-confession.
- The Return of the Snow Heels - My Mizunos and I do not get along.
- CLIF Bar® Releases A New Recovery Drink - I discover a new recovery drink that has smooth tannins and a velvety lingering finish.
- Advice for a New Runner - A must read for all new runners.
- Emergency Procedures: Quicksand! - I educate runners on the dangers of Quicksand.
- Wanted: Evil Arch Nemesis - Half-Fast wants YOU!
- A Beautiful Day for a Run - I somehow still find myself on the treadmill.
Races & Times
Below you will find my upcoming races and a list of races that I have already run with links to the race reports for each of them. I usually put a lot more time and thought into my race reports so they are often quite long. Consider yourself warned.
Upcoming Races
There always upcoming races.
Past Races
Personal Records (PRs)
Upcoming Races
There always upcoming races.
Past Races
| September 2009 | *This is when I stopped updating this page* | ||
| August 2009 | Granby Gut Buster 5K | 24:53 | Race Report |
| May 2009 | Bolder Boulder 10K | 53:50 | Race Report |
| January 2009 | P.F. Chang's Arizona Rock 'N' Roll Marathon | 4:31:06 | Race Report |
| December 2008 | ColderBolder 5K | 25:26 | Race Report |
| October 2008 | Denver Gorilla Run (3.75mi) | 36:22 | Race Report |
| October 2008 | Denver Half Marathon | 2:17:14 | Race Report |
| September 2008 | Skirt Chaser 5K | 24:28 | Race Report |
| August 2008 | Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half | 1:56:45 | Race Report |
| May 2008 | Bolder Boulder 10K | 52:07 | Race Report |
| December 2007 | 8 on the 8th | 1:13:11 | Race Report |
| December 2007 | Colder Bolder 5K | 25:56 | Race Report |
| October 2007 | Denver Half Marathon | 1:59:42 | Race Report |
| September 2007 | Chamber Challenge 5K | 27:10 | Race Report |
| May 2007 | Bolder Boulder 10K | 56:00 | Race Report |
| May 2006 | Bolder Boulder 10K | 58:53 | |
| May 2005 | Bolder Boulder 10K | 1:06:33 |
Personal Records (PRs)
| 5K | 24:28 (7:52 pace) | Skirt Chaser 5K |
| 10K | 52:07 (8:24 pace) | Bolder Boulder 10K |
| 13.1 | 1:56:45 (8:55 pace) | Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon |
| 26.2 | 4:31:06 (10:21 pace) | PF Chang's Rock N Roll Arizona Marathon |
Contact
So you want to get in touch with me? It’s easy! Just send an e-mail to halffastvanilla@gmail.com. Be sure to include your name and address so that I can bill you for wasting my valuable time, or if you prefer you can include a credit card number.
I am of course kidding (unless you were prepared to send me money in which case I’m not), I would love to hear from any and all of my readers. Chances are I am sitting in my office bored, so reading your e-mails will give me something to do.
Please note that all e-mail is subject to republication, and hate-mail is subject to public mocking so be sure to run the spell checker before you hit send.
I am of course kidding (unless you were prepared to send me money in which case I’m not), I would love to hear from any and all of my readers. Chances are I am sitting in my office bored, so reading your e-mails will give me something to do.
Please note that all e-mail is subject to republication, and hate-mail is subject to public mocking so be sure to run the spell checker before you hit send.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
A New Toy, Almost
After work on Tuesday night I went out with my family to purchase a Garmin Forerunner because quite frankly, I deserve one. I have been contemplating buying one for some time now and I received a gift card to Road Runner Sports for my birthday so I planned on using that to pay for the new toy.
There are very few things in this universe that I don’t understand, but among them are the following: Why Monday Night Football hates my eardrums (see commentators Tony Kornheiser, Joe Theismann, Dennis Miller, etc.) Why people are paying upwards of $2,000 for tickets to see Hannah Montana. Why anyone feels that it’s OK to converse with me while we stand exposed at the urinals. And finally, why my kids lose all perspective of what constitutes socially acceptable behavior the instant we enter any sporting goods store. It figures that the one store that I don’t mind going shopping in is the one store where my kids become devil-children, or los niños del Diablo for those of you south of the border.
Tuesday night was no different. The over-eager sales associate came over to offer us assistance and while I was explaining what I was looking for, my oldest son was tugging on my hand demanding I remove his coat. The sales associate, whose name was Tom, glanced nervously at my kids and then back at me as if to say ‘I really don’t like kids very much.’ I hate it when people act like this when I’m with my kids. ‘Hey Tom, guess what? I don’t like them very much either but at least I possess the decorum to not show it in front of them!’
Tom quickly shows me to the Garmins and then leaves just as quickly. In what would turn out to be a horrendous mistake I remove the 4-year-old’s jacket which leads to me also removing the 2-year-old’s jacket, and I turn my attention to the Garmins. Not thirty seconds later a fight breaks out in women’s apparel in which jackets are being used like nunchucks. My wife and I separate the pair and she ties their jackets around their waists after declining my more radical idea of tying them around their necks.
I go back to looking at Garmins, debating if I want the one with the heart rate monitor or the cheaper one without the heart rate monitor. Cheaper wins out and I try it on to see how it feels. Somewhere on the other side of the store a jacket takes flight. I'm guessing by the size of it that it wasn't the sales associate’s jacket and I can tell from the trajectory that it was launched from somewhere around 2 feet above ground level.
My wife and I decide to divide and conquer. I take the youngest boy to one side of the store and she takes the oldest to the other side. This is a great strategy if you can put up with the downside: Going out with your wife and not ever seeing her because you’re afraid of the consequences of uniting the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster. This is also why I won’t be having any more children. We currently have two, which means that we can still play man to man defense against them. When the third child arrives you have to switch to zone defense and it’s just not as effective.
Having settled things down, and after re-hanging countless shirts, shorts and socks back on the rack I headed to the cash register with my new Garmin. Well worth the hassle we’d endured. Unfortunately the gift card didn’t work, and Tom would have to... blah, blah, blah, -long list of excuses that don’t make any sense to me-... and long story short, I’ll have to order it online. This means that our pilgrimage to the running store was completely futile other than to raise my blood pressure a few degrees and cause me to sound like my father. “Don’t touch that!” “Put that back!” “Stop playing with that!” “No yelling!” “No running!”
There are very few things in this universe that I don’t understand, but among them are the following: Why Monday Night Football hates my eardrums (see commentators Tony Kornheiser, Joe Theismann, Dennis Miller, etc.) Why people are paying upwards of $2,000 for tickets to see Hannah Montana. Why anyone feels that it’s OK to converse with me while we stand exposed at the urinals. And finally, why my kids lose all perspective of what constitutes socially acceptable behavior the instant we enter any sporting goods store. It figures that the one store that I don’t mind going shopping in is the one store where my kids become devil-children, or los niños del Diablo for those of you south of the border.
Tuesday night was no different. The over-eager sales associate came over to offer us assistance and while I was explaining what I was looking for, my oldest son was tugging on my hand demanding I remove his coat. The sales associate, whose name was Tom, glanced nervously at my kids and then back at me as if to say ‘I really don’t like kids very much.’ I hate it when people act like this when I’m with my kids. ‘Hey Tom, guess what? I don’t like them very much either but at least I possess the decorum to not show it in front of them!’
Tom quickly shows me to the Garmins and then leaves just as quickly. In what would turn out to be a horrendous mistake I remove the 4-year-old’s jacket which leads to me also removing the 2-year-old’s jacket, and I turn my attention to the Garmins. Not thirty seconds later a fight breaks out in women’s apparel in which jackets are being used like nunchucks. My wife and I separate the pair and she ties their jackets around their waists after declining my more radical idea of tying them around their necks.
I go back to looking at Garmins, debating if I want the one with the heart rate monitor or the cheaper one without the heart rate monitor. Cheaper wins out and I try it on to see how it feels. Somewhere on the other side of the store a jacket takes flight. I'm guessing by the size of it that it wasn't the sales associate’s jacket and I can tell from the trajectory that it was launched from somewhere around 2 feet above ground level.
My wife and I decide to divide and conquer. I take the youngest boy to one side of the store and she takes the oldest to the other side. This is a great strategy if you can put up with the downside: Going out with your wife and not ever seeing her because you’re afraid of the consequences of uniting the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster. This is also why I won’t be having any more children. We currently have two, which means that we can still play man to man defense against them. When the third child arrives you have to switch to zone defense and it’s just not as effective.
Having settled things down, and after re-hanging countless shirts, shorts and socks back on the rack I headed to the cash register with my new Garmin. Well worth the hassle we’d endured. Unfortunately the gift card didn’t work, and Tom would have to... blah, blah, blah, -long list of excuses that don’t make any sense to me-... and long story short, I’ll have to order it online. This means that our pilgrimage to the running store was completely futile other than to raise my blood pressure a few degrees and cause me to sound like my father. “Don’t touch that!” “Put that back!” “Stop playing with that!” “No yelling!” “No running!”
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Nike is Scary
I love Nike. I love their apparel, I love their logo, I love the little Indonesian kids that they pay 5¢ a day to make my shoes, and I love their commercials and print ads. I don't think I've ever seen a Nike ad that I didn't like or that didn't inspire me. Nike must have the best marketing department this side of beer companies, and yet I will probably never own a pair of their running shoes. The video below was apparently banned from TV in the US because it was too scary, but that just makes it the perfect video for a Halloween post.
Too scary? The Nike spot isn’t even as scary as some of the promos for upcoming TV shows that I’ve seen aired on Sunday afternoons during football games that I’m watching with my kids. It’s not even as scary as that preceding run-on sentence. You want scary? Turn on the E! channel when they reveal what the Hollywood Celebs are wearing to their Halloween parties. Paris Hilton as a slutty cop/nurse/bunny/princess: Scary. Britney Spears as a Mom: Terrifying. Either one as any kind of role model: Traumatizing.
Have a safe Halloween everyone. I hope that you get plenty of Vanilla Tootsie Rolls and an awesome monster name like mine.
If you were wondering, a lycanthrope is a werewolf. Yes, I had to look it up. Sue me.
Too scary? The Nike spot isn’t even as scary as some of the promos for upcoming TV shows that I’ve seen aired on Sunday afternoons during football games that I’m watching with my kids. It’s not even as scary as that preceding run-on sentence. You want scary? Turn on the E! channel when they reveal what the Hollywood Celebs are wearing to their Halloween parties. Paris Hilton as a slutty cop/nurse/bunny/princess: Scary. Britney Spears as a Mom: Terrifying. Either one as any kind of role model: Traumatizing.
Have a safe Halloween everyone. I hope that you get plenty of Vanilla Tootsie Rolls and an awesome monster name like mine.
If you were wondering, a lycanthrope is a werewolf. Yes, I had to look it up. Sue me.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Every Race a PR
I started running 2½ years ago and in that time every race that I have run has been a new PR. It’s really not as impressive as it sounds, but that doesn’t stop me from boasting about it to everyone who’ll listen without adding any kind of disclaimer whatsoever. Why is this accomplishment unimpressive? In the first 2 years of my running career I only ran 3 races, the 2005, 2006 and 2007 Bolder Boulder 10K. It really shouldn’t be a surprise that I was able to get faster each time after having a full year to train for it. Since the last Bolder Boulder I have run 2 other races, both at new distances (a 5K and a Half Marathon) so both of those were PRs by default.
Nevertheless, I will continue to boast about running a PR in every race I’ve ever run ever ever in my whole entire life ever. At some point in time this streak will end. Perhaps it will end in 6 weeks when I run the Rudolph’s Revenge 10K, especially if there is snow on the ground, or perhaps it will end in next year’s Bolder Boulder. As I begin to run more races I will have to find new ways to claim a PR. For example if I fail to PR in the Rudolph’s Revenge 10K I can call it my Winter 10K PR. This article suggests that we should have different PRs for many different situations. A winter PR, a summer PR, a road race PR, a trail race PR, PRs for each different course you run, PRs for each different type of weather you run in, PRs for each different type of sports drink that was served during the race, PRs for a course that is a loop, PRs for courses that are point-to-point. I may have a 10K PR in a race that served Gatorade that is different from my 10K PR in the race that served Accelerade.
Come December 15th I’ll be running the Rudolph’s Revenge 10K in which I’ll hope to set a new 10K PR for myself in a winter race where the temperature is between 40 and 50 degrees, where Gatorade is served, on a course that is an out-and-back loop, consisting mostly of hills, that starts at 10:00am, at an altitude of 5446 feet. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I think it’s a virtual lock that I PR. High Five!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Weekend Splits
Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.
It’s not delivery...
Picture credit to And I’m Not Lying – For Real (via With Leather and KSK). These pictures have been all over the Internet for the past few days so you may have seen them before, but it was too good to pass up. I like to think the artist named that 4th picture “Things That Will Kill You.” The Dr. Pepper is a nice touch as it ironically brings the phrase “just what the doctor ordered” to mind.
In another post relating to guns, Zero to Boston answers the question of what it feels like to run the final miles of a marathon. It doesn’t make me want to run one.
Just One Marathon implores you to Run Sexy, which probably doesn’t include eating pizza with McDonalds as a topping. I can’t help but run sexy, I sweat sexy from my pores, the rest of you will have probably have to work at it.
The Boozehounds Inc. Running Team has a solution to the age old dilemma: Go home and run or go out for drinks with co-workers.
You might want to sit down for this one because it’s going to floor you. WebMD revealed this week that after people get married they have a tendency to gain weight! Are you telling me that people stop trying after they get married? Next thing you know wives will start becoming less interested in sex, and husbands will stop paying attention and once that happens you then you can just forget about the romance. In related news the sky is blue, grass is green and Britney is a bad parent.
Quick Hits
Pieces Of Me has a funny breakdown of the people at her gym.
Jason’s Running Diary shares 30 things he’s learned from training for a marathon.
Best of luck to the Joggler today as he attempts to set a new World Record by Joggling an Ultra Marathon faster than anyone ever has. UPDATE: He did it! Congrats to the Joggler on the new WORLD RECORD!
Best of luck to Ali as she runs the Grand Rapids marathon.
Have a great weekend everyone. Happy running!
Friday, October 26, 2007
A Review of the FIRST Half Marathon Training Plan
Before I review the FIRST plan let me briefly explain what it is. The focus of the FIRST plan is quality not quantity which loosely translates to more intense runs but less of them, this is also supposed to decrease your risk of injury. Under the FIRST plan you run only 3 times a week - when I heard this I was all over this plan like hair on soap. There are no easy runs, you run one speedwork session, one tempo run and one long run. Where are the easy runs? They’re relaxing on the beach somewhere with a Corona, changing their latitude.The schedule calls for Tuesday and Wednesday to be your speedwork and tempo runs consecutively... on back-to-back days, and then your long run is either Sat or Sun. I should note that after being too physically exhausted to complete my tempo run the day after my speedwork, I amended my schedule to be Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, instead of Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday. On the 4 other days of the week the plan calls for 2 to 3 cross training days to maintain fitness.
Results/Review: You've probably all read my Denver Half Marathon race report, so you already know that I achieved my goal using the FIRST plan. I am faster now than I was before I began training and I have run longer than ever before. I also did not get injured during this time, but who can say whether or not that is attributable to the FIRST plan or whether that was just dumb luck. Knowing me, the latter sounds more likely.
Given these results you would think that I would be willing to endorse the program and sing its praises, and you’d be correct. However, I will add that you'd better be mentally tough if you plan on doing the FIRST training. There is some real speed involved in the workouts and I consistently failed to complete all the miles in a workout at the required pace, often having to slow down towards the end. During a couple of the runs I even outright quit and walked home. Hey, I’m not proud of it, but it happened. This frequently created nagging feelings of failure and doubt which are even evident in my goal setting post when I predicted a time of 2:06 for myself.
Prior to running the Denver Half Marathon I was actually prepared to write a bad review of the FIRST plan due to the fact that I felt the runs were too demanding and too unrealistic. However having had some time to reflect on my half marathon and comparing my running in June with my running today, it is painfully obvious that I am faster now than I was then. I am a better runner today, and you simply can’t argue with a plan that helps you accomplish that.
For more, see the FIRST Half Marathon Training Plan at Runner’s World.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Can’t You See I’m Running
Thank you to those of you who reminded me in yesterday’s comments that 9 days is an eternity for a runner to not be running. I did finally go out and run last night. Sometimes it’s just good to give your body a rest and take some extended time off. Oh, who am I kidding sometimes it’s just good to be a lazy bum and do nothing. I loved it!
Last night as I was out running I noticed an old lady walking way up ahead of me on the trail. She was wearing a purple shirt and a purple hat and was yapping at everyone that passed within earshot of her. I could see it coming. For those of you who are not into sports the Colorado Rockies (purple) are currently playing the Boston Red Sox in the World Series. Last night was Game 1 which saw the Red Sox beat the Rockies like a red-headed step-child, but this didn’t occur until after my run.
As she heard me approaching from behind she yelled over her shoulder “what a beautiful evening!” Now I don’t mind saying “hi” to a fellow runner and I’ll even offer a “good evening” to someone who greets me, but I’m trying to run here. I’m usually far too out of breath or too tired to chit-chat, so I try to halt this burgeoning conversation with a short answer.
“Yup.” It doesn’t work.
“Beautiful night for our Rockies to win their first World Series” she says as I’m now right beside her. Now I’m a little annoyed. First of all the game was at Fenway in Boston so it really doesn’t matter that we were having beautiful weather in Colorado. Second of all it’s a best-of-seven format so neither team will be winning the World Series tonight and finally, they’re not OUR Rockies because I’m a lifelong Red Sox fan. I realize that she could have meant that it was a beautiful night to be watching the Rockies on TV and she could have meant ‘win their first World Series game,’ but like I said I was already annoyed that she was trying to strike up a conversation with me while I was running. Despite all this I restrained myself from yelling “go Sox” because I know that Boston fans have a reputation for being obnoxious, know-it-alls, who think they’re better than everyone else and I certainly don’t want to feed into that stereotype. I gave the lady a thumbs-up and hoped that she’d take my non-verbal hint that I was done with this conversation. No such luck.
“I think they’re going to win! Don’t you think they’ll win?” she asked, as I was now well ahead of her.
I turned around, jogging backwards I said to her “I just hope that Beckett pitches well tonight!” she smiled, nodded her head and gave me a clueless thumbs-up. Again for those of you who don’t follow baseball Josh Beckett was the Game 1 starting pitcher for the Red Sox.
The rest of the run was pretty uneventful. I was running without my MP3 player, I didn’t have a specific time goal in mind and it was kind of liberating. I was just running. It feels good to be back.
Editor’s Note: I promise not to turn this into a sports blog during the World Series, but this was too good a story to pass up.
Last night as I was out running I noticed an old lady walking way up ahead of me on the trail. She was wearing a purple shirt and a purple hat and was yapping at everyone that passed within earshot of her. I could see it coming. For those of you who are not into sports the Colorado Rockies (purple) are currently playing the Boston Red Sox in the World Series. Last night was Game 1 which saw the Red Sox beat the Rockies like a red-headed step-child, but this didn’t occur until after my run.
As she heard me approaching from behind she yelled over her shoulder “what a beautiful evening!” Now I don’t mind saying “hi” to a fellow runner and I’ll even offer a “good evening” to someone who greets me, but I’m trying to run here. I’m usually far too out of breath or too tired to chit-chat, so I try to halt this burgeoning conversation with a short answer.
“Yup.” It doesn’t work.
“Beautiful night for our Rockies to win their first World Series” she says as I’m now right beside her. Now I’m a little annoyed. First of all the game was at Fenway in Boston so it really doesn’t matter that we were having beautiful weather in Colorado. Second of all it’s a best-of-seven format so neither team will be winning the World Series tonight and finally, they’re not OUR Rockies because I’m a lifelong Red Sox fan. I realize that she could have meant that it was a beautiful night to be watching the Rockies on TV and she could have meant ‘win their first World Series game,’ but like I said I was already annoyed that she was trying to strike up a conversation with me while I was running. Despite all this I restrained myself from yelling “go Sox” because I know that Boston fans have a reputation for being obnoxious, know-it-alls, who think they’re better than everyone else and I certainly don’t want to feed into that stereotype. I gave the lady a thumbs-up and hoped that she’d take my non-verbal hint that I was done with this conversation. No such luck.
“I think they’re going to win! Don’t you think they’ll win?” she asked, as I was now well ahead of her.
I turned around, jogging backwards I said to her “I just hope that Beckett pitches well tonight!” she smiled, nodded her head and gave me a clueless thumbs-up. Again for those of you who don’t follow baseball Josh Beckett was the Game 1 starting pitcher for the Red Sox.
The rest of the run was pretty uneventful. I was running without my MP3 player, I didn’t have a specific time goal in mind and it was kind of liberating. I was just running. It feels good to be back.
Editor’s Note: I promise not to turn this into a sports blog during the World Series, but this was too good a story to pass up.
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