3 Races in 3 Weeks

This weekend is the beginning of the end for my racing season. I will be running the Colder Bolder 5K on Sunday, the Virtual 8 on the 8th next weekend, and the Rudolph’s Revenge 10K the following weekend. Now I know that you’re probably thinking “HOLY CRAP Vanilla, don’t do it! You’re Crazy!” but I am running races on 3 consecutive weekends and I will not be dissuaded.

I guess you could think of me kind of like Dean Karnazes when he ran 50 marathons in 50 days. An intimidating feat to be sure, but clearly no match for my 3 races in 3 weekends, I mean he only had to prepare himself for one distance (26.2 miles), I have to prepare for three. THREE!

It just occurred to me as I type this post that I have a 5K in two days and I haven’t even started to taper! I usually like to have a good 3 to 4 week taper before I run a 5K. I guess I’ll just have to suck it up and run it. To make up for it I will start my two day binge eating carb loading right away. I smell a PR in this one folks.

The question I’m really asking myself is will I be able to PR all of them. The 8 miler will be my first official 8 mile race so it is a PR by default, my current 5K and 10K PRs are 27:10 and 56:00 respectively and I certainly feel like I’m faster than that now. As I mentioned about a month ago, every race I’ve run this year has been a PR and I’d really like to continue that trend. I bet Dean didn’t PR every one of his 50 marathons in 50 days, but that's ok Dean. It is OK. Not everyone is cut out to be an elite athlete like myself, some might even say I’m Super-Elite.

The Weekend Splits will be up on Saturday, and I’ll have a race report for you all on Monday. As a warning though, don’t read the race report if you’re not prepared to listen to a grown man piss and moan about cold weather because that will likely be 80 percent of the post.

Niketown: A Model of Efficiency

For my wife’s birthday I recently bought her, among other things, a nice cold weather running shirt from Niketown. Unfortunately I bought it a size too small and ended up having to return it. Incidentally men, if you’re ever in doubt about which size to buy for the woman in your life, go with the smaller option. It’s much safer. “Really honey? You don’t wear a Petite? Well, you look petite to me.” This will earn you more brownie points than the actual purchase and will partially make up for saying that running on a treadmill is worse than giving birth. You know... if you were stupid enough to say something like that.

Allow me to state for the record that I love Nike. I’ve never bought a pair of their running shoes, but I probably own or have owned everything else they’ve ever made, including a lovely running skirt. So it gives me no joy to have to write a negative post about Niketown, which I sincerely wish was an actual town. It would be a town without fast food chains, the streets would be paved with that rubbery track compound and Gatorade would flow from your faucets.

Back to the story. I walked in to Niketown, the store not the imaginary place in my head, and I moseyed on over to the customer service desk. I explained my situation to the kindly old lady who looked eerily like my late Grandma, while she scanned the small shirt and checked my receipt. I was about to turn and walk off to grab the new shirt when Grandma informed me that someone else would get it and bring it to me. Perfect. That would save me from seeing something else on my way and exchanging my wife’s new shirt for that jacket I’ve been eyeing.

I stood to the side and waited. The women’s running shirts were located on the 2nd floor, which is a U-shaped floor that is open to the 1st floor below in what would be the middle of the U. This allowed me to actually see the rack where my wife’s shirt was residing. After waiting for a few minutes I turned to Grandma and told her that I remembered where the shirt was located, and would she like me to go and get it. No. Someone was already getting it. It occurred to me that perhaps someone was bringing one from the supply room instead of getting it off the rack. I figured that this would be a good thing as I often hear women say that they’d rather not wear things “off the rack.”

After some more waiting, Grandma asked me if anyone had brought the new shirt down yet. She asked me. I looked around at the empty counter and then sarcastically at my empty hands before answering in the negative. Grandma spoke into her walkie talkie and a new employee hurriedly came out of the Women’s Running department and down to the counter where I was patiently waiting. The employee looked at the shirt I had returned, frowned and then headed back upstairs where she began searching the racks for the shirt. After some flustered searching she found the shirt I had been awaiting, pulled it off the rack - sorry honey, the shirt is “off the rack” : ( - and then did something very curious. She walked past the stairs, over to the other side of the store and put the shirt into a giant glass tube that was apparently some kind of “merchandise elevator.” Seconds later the shirt disappeared into the ground and showed up in the giant glass tube that was 30 feet from the counter that I was waiting at. Nifty huh? Except that Grandma was now helping other customers and didn’t notice that the new shirt had been beamed down.

More waiting and then Grandma excused herself from the customer she was working with and spoke into her walkie talkie again. I could only make out her side of the conversation. “Are you bringing that shirt down?” - “Oh… but I’ve got A TON of other customers I’m helping, I was hoping that you could bring it to the register.” (Apparently, in Niketown the store, 2 customers equals A TON.)

The second employee emerged again from the Women’s Running department with a less than pleasant look on her face. She hurried down the stairs, went to the merchandise elevator, pulled out the shirt – the shirt that she had put in there only moments ago – and brought it to the counter. Before I could even thank her she dropped the shirt on the counter and then WENT BACK UPSTAIRS. At this point it had taken 20+ minutes for the new shirt to arrive at the counter. It would have taken me less than 30 seconds to go upstairs and grab it myself, but Niketown in their efforts to put the customer first decided to save me the hassle. Thanks Niketown. I actually think they just like using those cool merchandise elevators, I know I would if I were a Niketown employee, but alas I’m entirely too efficient to work there.

When I got the shirt back home and gave it to my wife, she removed it from the bag and out fell a 20% off coupon attached to the new receipt. Do you know when the 20% off coupon expired? Two hours from the time of issuance. Bravo Niketown, Bravo.

8 Miles on the Treadmill is Fun

You see what I did there? I used a headline that clearly isn’t true. That’s called sarcasm. Sarcasm is the crutch of the shoddy writer and is the lowest, basest form of humor, which is why you’ll find plenty of it here at Half-Fast.

Anyway, like the headline says I ran 8 miles on the treadmill this past weekend and they were anything but fun. Looking back on it I’m not exactly sure why I decided to run on the treadmill but it was almost as bad a decision as when my wife and I decided that we wanted a second child.

You ever notice how painful memories seem to get less painful as they fall further into the past? It’s like natures way of making sure you don’t learn from your mistakes. When Candis was pregnant the first time, she hated the final few months and the whole birthing process. Things got pretty bad, but a few months later there we were talking about having another kid, just standing on the tracks completely oblivious to the train hurtling towards us.

That’s what running on the treadmill is like for me, I always forget how bad it is and how much I hate it. No, I did not just compare childbirth to running on a treadmill. Running on a treadmill is much worse than giving birth as far as I can tell. At least after you give birth someone brings you your meals in bed. When I get done on the treadmill I have to go get a meal on my own, ironically I’ll probably be doing a lot of that over the next few days after my wife reads this.

How to Ice Bath

So you just finished up your long run, your legs are tired and you’re considering an ice bath but you’re not sure if you want to put up with the torture of sitting in ice cold water. As you often do when confronted with an unpleasant running situation you find yourself wondering “What Would Vanilla Do?” The answer to that question always runs through the path of least resistance, which you will no doubt see by reading on.

Far too often people go overboard with the ice, this is a MISTAKE! I recommend that you begin with 2 cups of ice. Now I know you’re thinking that 2 cups of ice doesn’t sound like anywhere close to enough, but hear me out on this.

Place the 2 cups of ice into a medium sized pitcher. Bathe the ice by adding the following:

• 12 oz silver tequila. I am partial to the Milagro Silver Tequila, but you can use whatever tickles your fancy.
• 8 oz Cointreau.
• 8 oz freshly squeezed lime juice. Some people substitute frozen limeade concentrate here but it really tastes better with fresh lime juice.

Take the leftover lime skins and use them to wet the rim of your glass, then dip the glass into a plate of coarse salt - your body loses salt when you sweat you know.

Mix the contents of the pitcher well and then pour over ice into your already salted glass. Finally add a small umbrella or better yet a palm tree with a monkey on it. Some people may call this ‘girly’ or may disparage your manhood, but I never really liked those people anyway. If they’re laughing it’s just because they’re jealous and you don’t need them. Everyone knows a margarita tastes better when garnished with a monkey in a palm tree and it really adds to the ambiance.

Finally take your margarita out to the HOT TUB, being careful not to step on a pop-top or blow out your flip-flops, and climb in. Relax your aching muscles. During these cold winter months you will want to remember to bring the pitcher out with you so that you don’t get too cold running back in to refill your glass. Also, Half-Fast advises against ‘running’ to and from a hot tub after you’ve had a couple of margaritas. Remember, safety first.

Speedo’s are prohibited, swimming trunks are optional.

Best ice bath ever? Best ice bath ever.

Editorial Note: I am aware that I have some Mormon readers and perhaps there are some other teetotalers out there. Feel free to replace the margarita with a delightful Arnold Palmer (one part lemonade, one part iced-tea) and enjoy a sober soak in the hot tub. For the record, a sober soak in a hot tub still beats an inebriated soak in an ice bath.

UPDATE: The Editor is an idiot. Mormon commenter Topher informed me that Mormons do not partake of the tea either. Really? Even if it’s decaf? I thought it was just a caffeine thing. Anyway, I’m changing my suggestion to Freckled Lemonade. Enjoy.

Weekend Splits

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.



Sorry for the risqué picture at the top of this post, in the future I’ll try to warn you beforehand when a post is going to contain sexy tanlines.

Instead of working today I’m taking the day off to recover from my turkey induced stupor. It feels like a Saturday and I don’t feel like posting anything so you’re getting the Weekend Splits one day early. It’s a lazy 4 day weekend at the Half-Fast house so just be glad that you’re getting anything.

Topher, whose blog always makes me crave Dunkin’ Donuts, provides his race report from the first annual Trypto Trot 4 Miler. He was the winner, race director, official timer, and sole participant.

J-Money ran a more official race and then rewarded herself with breakfast at IHOP. At least I assume it was an official race as she had a picture of herself with a trophy, but it wouldn’t be totally out of character to discover that she did that on her own.

Thanks to Mary from Sheesh for sending me a link to the second best study ever. You may remember a couple of weeks ago in the Weekend Splits I linked to a post at Cranky Fitness that “proved” that beer is the post race beverage of choice, and I commented that someone needed to prove that bacon was good for you. Ask and ye shall receive. Half-Fast - endorsing post race beer and bacon since 2007.

Frayed Laces, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite blogs to read, is taking the Art of “Chicking” to new levels. Beer? Duct tape? Frayed Laces, you had me at Football.

Pieces Of Me recently took the time to write a letter to running. I think it was like one of those things that your therapist makes you do just to help you think through your feelings. I don’t like feelings or therapists but the letter is pretty entertaining.

Random Non-Running Related Video of the Week
As is often the case with videos that I post here credit for this one goes to With Leather. Also as is often the case this one has been around the internets quite a bit so you may have already seen it. At any rate this video displays the multi-tasking abilities of our Japanese friends who can workout at the same time as learning English. The phrases they learn just get more and more bizarre as the video continues. “Spare me my life?” Where are they vacationing? Baltimore? Compton?


Have a great weekend everyone. I hope that you all had as good a Thanksgiving as I did. See ya’ on Monday slackers.

Happy Thanksgiving!

For those of you who might be reading this from outside the United States allow me to take this time to remind you that tomorrow (Thursday, November 22nd) is Thanksgiving Day. There will be no post here at Half-Fast tomorrow. I will be busy celebrating my favorite holiday.

It’s that time of year when we get together with family, over-eat and give thanks for the many blessings in our lives. During this time of year you will no doubt read or hear lists of things that people are thankful for. They will usually contain things like family and friends, or perhaps homes and jobs, but these are things that everyone is thankful for and I like to be original. So here at Half-Fast I’m going to give you a list of some of the smaller, often forgotten things that I’m thankful for.

I’m thankful for:

• OPB - Other People’s Blogs. I have some 80 - 90 blogs in my Google reader that keep me entertained at work on slow days. If you’ve ever commented at Half-Fast, chances are you’re one of them. “You down with OPB (Yeah you know me).”
• TiVo - No explanation necessary.
• My office switching to 2-Ply.
• Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.
• Heated Seats.
• Sarcasm - without it Half-Fast would cease to exist.
• YouTube.
• Champion’s C9 Base Layer Gear - Many thanks to Viper for that one.
• Beer.
• The Red Robin Banzai Burger.
• Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.
• Bacon.
• Bacon Bits.
• My company not ever checking how long I spend on the Internet.
• Brown paper packages tied up with strings.
• Football.
• Tryptophan.
• The Adam Sandler Thanksgiving Song, because Thanksgiving isn’t Thanksgiving until you’ve heard this song 5 or 6 times.

Finally, I’m thankful for all my readers. Best of luck to everyone with the Turkey Trots. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

Dr. Scholl is an Outrageous Liar

Almost 2 months ago I mentioned that I was experiencing a lot of pain in the balls of my feet when I ran for any length of time. Some of you mentioned that you had gone through the same kind of thing when increasing your mileage and that it eventually went away, so I decided to wait it out. Last week I decided that I was done waiting it out and that the problem was with my Mizuno shoes. A quick check of my training log revealed that they had soaked up little more than 200 miles and I really didn’t want to replace them yet, which is what led me to try Dr. Scholl’s Gel Sport Insoles.

What attracted me to these insoles was their claim to provide “Outrageous comfort for active feet.” I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a level of comfort for my feet that I’d describe as outrageous. I’d estimate that I’ve only ever experienced a ‘preposterous’ level of comfort, which as you probably know falls above ‘ludicrous’ comfort but below ‘outrageous’ comfort on the ‘ridiculously-overstated-comfort-scale.’ Needless to say I was ‘outrageously’ excited for my feet to feel a new level of comfy, one that I haven’t felt since my wife got rid of my sheepskin slippers.

I put the new Dr. Scholl’s inserts into my Mizunos on Friday night and went to sleep anticipating my long run on Saturday morning. I dreamt of comfortable things; goose down comforters and overstuffed chairs, while pillow-top mattresses danced in my head. When I awoke on Saturday I downed two cups of coffee so that the ‘outrageous comfort’ wouldn’t induce me back to sleep. I was beyond excited. I sat on the edge of the bed to put my shoes on. I loosened the laces, closed my eyes, held my breath, and braced myself for the comfortslaught that was about to wash over me. I slipped my feet into my newly insoled shoes and I waited. And waited. I cautiously opened one eye and glanced at the mirror to make sure I was in fact wearing the shoes. Something was amiss, my feet were not ‘outrageously comfortable.’

Convinced that I was doing something wrong I took the shoes off and double checked that I had installed the insoles correctly. Then it dawned on me. These were Sport Gels, so perhaps they weren’t going to exude comfort until I started running. I ran 10 miles on Saturday morning and while I am happy to report that I did not experience the level of pain that I have had in the past, I most certainly did not experience anything that I would describe as ‘outrageous comfort.’

While I am thankful to Dr. Scholl for providing me with a solution that should be able to see me through the end of my racing season (Dec. 15) I am disappointed that he felt the need to overzealously market his insoles. I will be writing a letter to Dr. Scholl and suggesting that they consider downgrading their description of this product to ‘admirable comfort’ for active feet.

Weekend Splits

Weekend Splits is my recap of things that I found interesting or humorous over the past week. If you have a submission for the weekend splits e-mail me.



Thanks to Adeel, who writes for the Complete Running Network, for the link to this post (bare runner cheeks warning) which contained the picture above as well as many other running ads that were a part of an old Adidas running campaign.

Lance provided some links and a video in this post that is well worth your time. The video is 6 seconds long if you only watch it once. I watched it more than that because I like to learn from laugh hysterically at the misfortune and stupidity of others.

In cold weather news Viper provided the Winter Rule Book (be sure to adhere to Rule #7), and Frayed Laces has some fashion tips for the ladies. Haven’t you always wanted a running skirt that’s hot enough to keep you warm at the same time as being cool enough to go clubbing in? If you haven’t read Frayed Laces’ blog then I encourage you to do so. From what I can tell she’s a fairly new runner who just ran her first half marathon in 1:43:03 1:42:49 ~time updated at the request of Her Royal Highness~ (a 7:51min/mile pace).

Don’t you just hate when new runners take up the sport and are already faster than you? This brings up a good point. Some of you asked what it meant to get “chicked,” a phrase I mentioned here. Getting “chicked” is being beaten by a girl in a race, more specifically I think of it as being passed by a girl. It’s an ego-deflator to be sure. If I were to race against Frayed Laces I would most certainly get “chicked.”

Speaking of chicks who are faster than me, Amy Lawson has an illustrated story of Marathon Training Incident #5. I don’t want to ruin the surprise if you haven’t read it yet, but it involves farting.

Random Non-Running Related Video of the Week
This weeks Random Non-Running Related Video of the Week comes from The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy, which is written by the talented J-Money who, come to think of it, is yet another chick who is faster than I am. This is getting depressing. I need to get faster, faster. Anyway, here’s the video, I think it’s some kind of 80’s fitness video that’s supposed to reduce wrinkles??

Many thanks to dietcokegrrl who e-mailed me the Star Wars Trumpet video. I was going to use it in this spot but chances are you’ve already seen it as it went viral in the past few days. If you haven’t seen it click the link and then watch in amazement and ask why dietcokegrrl hates you so much that she wanted to subject you to that.

I hope I haven’t offended any of the broads that I referred to as “chicks” in this post. I’m really not sure what the preferred terminology is, but you dames can let me know in the comments. Is it girls, ladies, women, gals, dolls, babes, birds, skirts, hussies, spinsters, old maids, damsels, senoritas, gold-diggers, floozies? Who knows, certainly not I.

Have a great weekend all!

Winter Gear

The end of daylight savings time is depressing. The days feel shorter, it’s colder outside, it’s harder to see when I’m out running, if I didn’t know any better I’d think that I was dying. Of course I’m not dying, at least not any more than the rest of you are. In these cold and dark times I need some advice. What do you wear when you go running in the cold darkness of winter?

Viper has a couple of posts about good reflective wear and how to stay warm. I’m really liking the Reflecto-Vest idea but I need some more ideas on warm gear to run in before I end up freezing. No one wants to see Vanilla, ice. Wow, look at that - the jokes really do write themselves (not very well, but by themselves nonetheless).

I currently own one warm running shirt that wicks away sweat and keeps me warm, the one you see in the picture above. I wear the ski mask thing over my nose so that it doesn’t freeze and so I cannot smell my one and only winter running shirt, which often goes running multiple times between washes. If you’re running the 8 on the 8th, you should be glad it’s a virtual race because you won't have to smell my running shirt unless you live in Colorado or maybe Nebraska or Kansas if it’s windy.

When that shirt is in the wash I usually go with an Under Armor heat gear compression shirt and a hooded sweatshirt. This works OK and has the added benefit of making me feel like Rocky Balboa or LL Cool J “I’m gonna knock you out, Mama said knock you out!”

So let’s hear it. What do you wear when it’s cold out? Oh, and before any of you year-round-warm-climate folks chime in with chippy remarks about how you don’t have to worry about this kind of thing, allow me to invite you to help yourselves to a bucketful of SHUT UP JUICE! Yeah, you know who you are.

8 on the 8th

If you haven’t yet heard of 8 on the 8th then you probably suck at the internets. Nancy is organizing a virtual 8 mile race that will take place on the 8th of December and everyone is invited. I was originally scheduled to run 10 miles on the 8th so I will just run a couple of cool down miles after I’m done (yeah right) or I’ll add a couple of miles to one of my other runs that week (not likely), at the very least I will add a 2 mile run to my schedule to make up the miles (not happening).

In order to encourage you all to participate I’ve put together the following list of reasons why you should sign up for 8 on the 8th:

• Pick your own course. I’m going to drive up into the foothills and run all 8 miles on the steepest downhill stretch of road that I can find. Sure I could end up tripping and falling for a half mile, but that’s just less distance that I have to run. Here’s a peek at my 1600 foot elevation drop 8 miler.
• Race start time works out perfectly with your schedule. If you’re late, they won’t start the race until you get there. I am sooooo sleeping in.
• Entry fee fits in perfectly with your budget. Have you ever heard of a race that’s free to enter?
• No annoying online registration forms to fill out. Simply let Nancy know that you’re participating over at her blog or join the 8 on the 8th group over at the Runners Lounge.
• You won’t get chicked. (I guess you could get virtually chicked, but you won’t see it happening).
• No annoying lines for the porta-potties before the start. Better yet, no porta-potties period.
• No race pictures of you walking and looking exhausted.
• No backlog at the starting line.
• No rules disallowing headphones, dogs or jogging strollers.
• No timing chip to attach or to fall off.
• No waiting for your official time to post.
• No one will cut you off or yell “on your left” as they pass you.
• Post race beer is your favorite beer and is not served in wimpy 8oz cans. (The downside is that it’s not free, but if you’re like me you’re taking the $30 - $40 you saved by not paying a race fee and using that to procure some post race refreshments.)
• You get to run a race against Vanilla. Despite the fact that I’ll be running a downhill course many of you will still beat me and will have bragging rights for the foreseeable future. I welcome any trash talk in the comments which will be promptly met with responses of “I know you are but what am I” or “Your Momma!”